POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN
SATURDAY AFTERNOON
ERIC FORMAN'S BASEMENT
12:07 P.M .
ERIC is on the couch watching ‘American Band Stand'. They Present the Spotlight dance with Lou Rawls. ERIC gets up and starts dancing. HE doesn't notice JACKIE coming in. HE spins and finally sees HER.
ERIC: “Jackie! Door! Knock!”
JACKIE: “Sorry, I didn't know you'd be doing anything so embarrassing. Um, is Donna here?”
ERIC: “No.”
HE switches the T.V. off.
JACKIE: “Look, I need to talk to someone. I can really use a friend right now.”
ERIC: “Okay then well, good luck with that.”
HE starts going up the stairs.
JACKIE: “Eric!”
HE stops.
JACKIE: “Can I talk to you? Look, I've always been able to trust you and god, you are such a nice guy!”
ERIC starts coming back down the stairs.
ERIC: “No, I'm not.”
JACKIE: “Yes you are.”
HE sits next to her on the couch.
ERIC: “Okay, okay. Um, what happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?”
JACKIE: “I'm pregnant.”
ERIC, in shock : “u… ar…”
THE DRIVEWAY
DONNA is playing basketball and ERIC is just standing there. SHE scores and throws the ball at ERIC, hitting him on the back of his head. The ball bounces back. ERIC turns around.
DONNA: “Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?”
ERIC: “Okay Donna, I have to tell you something, but you have to promise you're not gonna tell anybody else.”
DONNA: “Dirt! I swear, now tell me.”
ERIC: “Not here.”
THEY get into the cruiser. ERIC tells DONNA something and she stares with wide eyes ahead of her, in shock.
OPENING CREDITS
THE HUB
THE GUYS and JACKIE are sitting at a table.
FEZ: “And then, in the dream, two of the three Stooges fed me grapes while I played them a beautiful song on my accordion… in the nude.”
HYDE: “Somehow, the accordion part bothers me more than the nude part.”
KELSO reaches for one of JACKIE'S fries. SHE slaps his hand away.
JACKIE: “Michael, stop it!”
KELSO: “What did I do?”
JACKIE: “Look, I just need all the food I can get right now.”
ERIC starts laughing. DONNA comes in.
DONNA: “Hi. Uh, I have to go to the bathroom, Jackie?”
JACKIE gets up.
JACKIE: “Oh my God, Donna, you have never asked me to go to the bathroom with you before!”
DONNA: “Yeah, it's a big day.”
THEY go.
KELSO: “Man, she has been acting so weird lately! I'm telling you guys! I think it's time I break up with her.”
ERIC: “Oh, that's real nice! Why don't you grow up?”
THE HUB'S BATHROOM
DONNA: “So, is it true?”
JACKIE: “Yes Donna, it is true. I am carrying Michael Kelso's child.”
DONNA: “Jackie, you're a sophomore. How can you be so stupid?”
JACKIE: “I'm a sophomore.”
DONNA: “Well, why didn't you like, you know, use something?”
JACKIE: “Look, I would have but my cousin Carla told me that I could not get pregnant for eight days after my period.”
DONNA: “Okay, eight days after your first day or your last day?”
JACKIE: “I don't know. Carla never called me back! Oh my God Donna, having this child is gonna ruin my whole life!”
DONNA: “Well yeah!”
JACKIE: “God, I'll have to wear flats, I'll get overweight, I'll be too fat to cheer!”
DONNA: “Not to mention the fact you'll have a baby to take care of.”
JACKIE: “Donna, what am I gonna do? I'm in such trouble.”
THEY hug.
DONNA: “Jackie, it's alright, we'll get through this. What does Kelso say about this?”
JACKIE: “No, no, no, no. I cannot tell Michael. It's way too embarrassing.”
DONNA: “Jackie, you had sex with him!”
JACKIE: “I know I did, but we didn't talk!”
DONNA: “You have to tell Kelso! If you don't, I will.”
JACKIE: “Thank you Donna, thank you! Oh! Thank you!”
SHE hugs her. SHE runs to the door.
DONNA: “Jackie, I don't wanna tell him!”
A noise is heard from outside.
THE HUB
THE GIRLS get out of the bathroom. KELSO is on the ground, unconscious and FEZ is slapping him.
JACKIE: “I think he knows.”
FORMAN KITCHEN
LAURIE is eating her dinner while KITTY and RED are looking at her.
LAURIE: “What?”
KITTY: “Nothing, nothing. We're just, we're, we're a little surprised that you're home that's all.”
LAURIE: “It's no big deal, you know. I just didn't feel like going away for spring break.”
KITTY: “Honey, is there a warn up for you in Fort Lauderdale?”
RED: “Now Kitty, I'm sure she's just home to spend time with us and Eric… Why are you home?”
LAURIE: “Daddy, it was just a very, very tough quarter.”
RED: “Well, I'm sure you'll come through with flying colors!”
KITTY: “Yeah.”
LAURIE: “Yeah. You know, the whole concept of grades is so subjective, it's really the experience of college that's important!”
RED: “No, it's not.”
ERIC comes in with a dazed KELSO.
ERIC: “Mail's here!”
LAURIE gets up and goes through the mail. SHE looks happy.
LAURIE: “Uh, nothing!”
SHE hands the mail to RED.
ERIC: “Sorry I'm late. We were at the Hub, and I had to drive everyone home and then Kelso says….”
RED: “Bla, bla, bla, you're late! Be responsible for your own actions!”
KELSO snaps out of it.
KELSO: “That's real easy for you to say pal!”
KELSO leaves running.
RED: “That kid's on dope!”
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
BOB looks at his watch.
BOB: “Wow, don't wanna miss ‘Sanford and Son'.”
HE gets up and goes to the living room.
DONNA: “Mom, can I talk to you for a second?”
MIDGE: “Sure.”
DONNA: “Okay. A friend of mine, it's not me, is pregnant.”
MIDGE: “Oh, is it you?”
DONNA: “No mom, not me.”
MIDGE: “Oh, thank God, I just had the most horrible flashback to when I was sixteen and… You were saying honey?”
DONNA: “The whole pregnancy thing is just so scary and overwhelming. Jackie, I mean my friend…”
MIDGE: “It is you, isn't it?”
DONNA: “No. She had one night of fun and now her whole life is outta control!”
MIDGE: “Are you worried about you and Eric?”
DONNA: “No. Maybe. Yes!”
MIDGE: “Honey, let me just tell you what I think. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, things happen, and the backseat of a car is no place to be worrying about birth control.”
DONNA: “Thanks mom.”
BOB pokes his head in the kitchen.
BOB: “Sanford think he's having a heart attack. It looks like the big one, come watch!”
THE PATIO
THE GUYS are sitting and they look gloomy.
KELSO: “So, I've been thinking about it. And I'm gonna do the right thing. I'm gonna be responsible, I mean I have to, I'm gonna be a father.”
HYDE: “Yeah, and on the plus side, you walk into a liquor store carrying a baby man, they'll sell you beer!”
KELSO: “Yeah, yeah, and I like kids. I, I still have some of my legoes, it's gonna be great!”
FEZ: “And Jackie's mockatons will get huge!”
HYDE: “Fez, for those of us who only speak English, what exactly is a mockaton?”
FEZ: “Feet. They will get long, swelled up and white. Very gratifying.”
HYDE: “You foreign freak!”
KELSO: “I mean, this is scary man, I might have to get married.”
HYDE: “Not just married, married to Jackie. That's freaking terrifying.”
KELSO: “Okay, I'm never having sex again!”
ERIC: “Yeah, good one.”
KELSO: “No, no, I'm serious man. It's just not worth it. Just wait Eric, this could so easily happen to you!”
ERIC: “I don't think so, I'd probably have to have sex first.”
KELSO: “It's just not fair.”
ERIC: “You're telling me, I wanna have sex!”
THE DRUG STORE
ERIC and LAURIE are waiting for their turn.
ERIC: “Gee, Laurie, I sure have noticed you hanging around the mailbox a lot.”
LAURIE: “I don't know what you're talking about.”
ERIC: “What could be so important you'd give up a week of whoring around Fort Lauderdale? Well, I know, it's your grades right? You're flunking out! Bingo! Forman scores, right?”
LAURIE: “Okay Eric, you know what? Dad likes me and he doesn't like you!”
ERIC acts as if it hurt his heart. He turns to the counter.
PHARMACIST: “Can I help you?”
ERIC: “Uh, sure, pictures for Forman.”
PHARMACIST: “I'll be right back.”
ERIC smells a bottle of cologne, he looks around and sees that nobody is watching, he puts some on his wrists and inhales too strongly. He starts coughing. BOB walks in the store and runs to him.
BOB: “Hey, there Eric, you, you okay?”
ERIC: “I was just… How are you?”
PHARMACIST comes back with the pictures.
PHARMACIST: “Here you go. Can I help you?”
BOB: “Yup. Prescription for Pinciotti.”
BOB reaches over and take the cologne bottle ERIC was smelling.
BOB: “Oh, trying on cologne for Donna, huh? That is so darn cute!”
ERIC: “Thank you sir.”
PHARMACIST comes back with a small white bag.
PHARMACIST: “Here you go. That'll be twenty one fifty.”
BOB: “It's a little pricey for cough medicine.”
PHARMACIST opens the bag and takes out a small white box.
PHARMACIST: “Pinciotti, Donna, Orthonovum.”
BOB: “Ortho what?”
PHARMACIST: “Orthonovum, birth control pills!”
ERIC grabs the counter and turns around to find BOB glaring at him and LAURIE laughing. ERIC bolts. BOB puts his hands to his face in a ‘Home Alone' way.
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
BOB comes in. HE looks at the bag.
BOB: “Midge! Midge!”
THE SCENE BECOMES A BLACK AND WHITE MOVIE: ‘Open For Business' . The HOST talks for all the characters.
HOST: “Meet Bob. He's a typical American who works hard, loves his family and has never cheated on his tax return. Life is good, but lately, he's noticed some slight changes in his daughter Donna.”
DONNA is dressed in a black dinner gown with matching black gloves. It shows plenty of leg and of cleavage.
BOB: “Hi honey, how was school today?”
DONNA: “Great Dad, I got an A on a test and tonight, I'm having cocktails with the principal.”
THE GUYS come in dressed up in tuxes. HYDE pushes BOB away and they lift DONNA and put her on the kitchen counter.
DONNA: “Will you excuse us Dad? We have to study!”
SHE takes off a glove and puts it around KELSO's neck .
HOST: “Bob realizes his daughter is growing up. Now that Donna's on the pill, she's what medical professionals call Open For Business. Come on Bob, I want to show you something.”
THEY MOVE TO THE HUB
DONNA is behind the counter and a line of guys are waiting for their turn.
HOST: “You see Bob, the pill means that Donna can have lots of sex with many different partners, not just Eric.”
ERIC: “Hi Mr. Pinciotti, boy, is your daughter something!”
HOST: “So, do you get it Bob? She's Open for Business!”
THE sign that says now serving turns to number 24.
HOST: “Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm next!”
THE movie fades.
FORMAN DINING ROOM
ERIC looks like hell.
KITTY: “Eric, you're not eating, are you sick?”
LAURIE: “Yeah Eric, you seem upset. Did something happen at the pharmacy?”
RED: “What happened at the pharmacy?”
ERIC: “Nothing.”, to LAURIE : “Shut up!”
RED: “Eric, be nice to your sister. Kitty, what happened to the mail?”
LAURIE: “I checked the mail Dad, nothing, no mail.”
KITTY: “You know the mail keeps disappearing. I think we have a little mail thief.”
ERIC: “Speaking of, Laurie I could've sworn I saw a University of Wisconsin envelope sticking out of your bra. What's that all about?”
RED: “What?”
LAURIE: “Donna's on the pill!”
KITTY chokes on some ice tea.
ERIC looks guilty.
RED: “What did you do?”
ERIC: “Nothing! Nothing.”
RED: “Dinner's over. You kitchen, now!”
FORMAN KITCHEN
ERIC is sitting on a chair and RED and KITTY are standing in front of it.
KITTY: “I know you're seventeen and we can't stop you from doing what you wanna do…”
RED: “Yes we can.”
KITTY: “Red. All I'm saying is have respect for her.”
RED: “You respect her by keeping your hands off her.”
LAURIE comes in, carrying a plate.
LAURIE: “You are a dirty, dirty boy Eric.”
KITTY: “Okay, okay, now, um, let's talk about birth control.”
RED: “Birth control! Don't do it, that's your birth control!”
LAURIE: “I'm gonna pray for you Eric.”
ERIC: “You're the devil! And, did you know that Laurie's flunking out of college?”
RED: “Don't change the subject! You've got strange thoughts in your little head mister and that Donna's a nice girl!”
KITTY: “Red, you're giving him the wrong idea about sex. It's not dirty.”
RED: “But it's not clean either.”
KITTY: “Okay, cleanliness, now, that reminds me, always make sure your nails are trimmed and clean. Oh, foreplay is very important.”
RED: “No, no it's not.”
KITTY: “Yes, it is.”
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
MIDGE: “Personally I'm very proud to have a daughter who acted so mature and responsible.”
NON: “I'm her father. You should've told me Midge!”
BOB is sitting down with his back to the door. DONNA comes in.
BOB: “Can you imagine how I felt standing there with Eric when the pharmacist handed me birth control pills?”
DONNA: “Eric knows? Thanks a lot Dad!”
SHE pushes the door, then comes back, takes the pills and leaves .
BOB: “You know, she and Eric are dating!”
MIDGE: “All the more reasons!”
BOB: “Oh, jeez!”
MIDGE: “You'd rather she got pregnant?”
BOB: “That is not gonna happen to Donna!”
MIDGE: “It happened to us!”
BOB: “Oh, sure, throw that in my face again!”
FORMAN KITCHEN
LAURIE is using the steam from the kettle that's on the burner to open a letter. DONNA comes in from the patio door.
DONNA: “Hey Laurie, is Eric around?”
LAURIE: “No, he's at the Hub. Hey watch the door!”
DONNA moves to the door.
DONNA: “What are you doing?”
LAURIE: “My grades! I gotta make some Fs into Bs before Red sees them!”
DONNA pokes her head in the living room.
DONNA: “You're fine, Red and Kitty are watching Bonanza. I gotta go."
LAURIE: “Hey, smart move going on the pill. That was the best thing I ever did. Just wait ‘til you get to college!”
DONNA recoils.
DONNA: “Bye.”
SHE leaves.
THE DRIVEWAY
JACKIE comes running.
JACKIE: “Donna, Donna! Guess what?”
DONNA: “You're having twins?”
JACKIE: “No, I'm not pregnant!”
DONNA hugs JACKIE.
DONNA: “Oh my God, oh my God Jackie, thank God!”
JACKIE: “Oh my God, I can forget about this whole ugly thing, but it behind me and never ever think it ever…”
DONNA shakes her.
DONNA: “Jackie, I am not gonna let you forget about this! Alright? You got really, really lucky and as your friend, I'm not gonna let you be stupid about this.”
JACKIE: “We're friends?”
DONNA: “Shut up. Jackie, I went on the pill.”
JACKIE: “Oh my God, you are gonna be so popular!”
DONNA: “Jackie, I didn't do it to be popular. I did it because I am not gonna get stuck in this stinky little town!”
JACKIE: “Okay, well, you know they're building a Kmart on Franklin.”
DONNA: “Jackie, when this E.R.A passes, I'm gonna be able to do whatever I want. And so will you if you don't screw it up now!”
JACKIE: “Um, so Donna, tell me more about this pill. Does it do anything weird to your hair?”
DONNA: “Only above your lip.”
THE HUB
THE GUYS are sitting at a booth and KELSO has his head on the table.
FEZ: “I still don't understand why Donna has to take these pills. Is she sick?”
HYDE: “No Fez, she takes the pills so that she can have all the sex she wants and not get pregnant.”
HE grabs KELSO by the hair and lifts him up.
FEZ: “Umm. With such a useful product available, what the hell were you thinking you idiot?”
He drops him.
HYDE: “Forman, you know what you should do man? You should probably break up with Donna because the pressure of that much worry-free sex, that could kill you.”
ERIC: “Yeah, that would be plan B Hyde.”
KELSO: “I wish Jackie would have thought about going on the pill. You know, if I had a chance, I'd do it all different.”
HYDE: “No you wouldn't!”
KELSO: “Yeah, you're right, I wouldn't. I should've broken up with her when I had a chance!”
DONNA and JACKIE come in.
DONNA: “Hey so, Eric, can I talk to you? Alone?”
ERIC: “Sure.”
DONNA: “Cool.”
THEY leave.
JACKIE: “Michael, I'm not pregnant.”
KELSO gets up from his seat, his eyes closed and stands with his arms doing a V .
KELSO: “Yes. Yes! YES!!!”
JACKIE: “So you feel tons better right?”
KELSO: “OH YEAH!!!!”
JACKIE: “Oh God, that's so great ‘cause you know what? I'm breaking up with you!”
KELSO drops his hands to his sides and looks at her.
KELSO, FEZ and HYDE: “What?”
JACKIE: “Look, Michael, this whole experience has opened my eyes. And nothing will set in the way of my dream of becoming a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader!”
SHE leaves. KELSO sits down.
KELSO: “Did she just break up with me?”
HYDE: “Yup!”
FEZ: “I am so sad for you. May I please have her phone number?”
THE DRIVEWAY
ERIC and DONNA are sitting on the hood of the car.
DONNA: “Oh my God Eric, so your parents know I'm on the pill too?”
ERIC: “Yeah. I had a nice conversation with Red and Kitty about foreplay.”
DONNA: “Sorry.”
ERIC: “Yeah, me too.”
DONNA: “Eric, I don't want you to think this changes anything between us.”
ERIC: “I don't. But it could. Right?”
DONNA: “I suppose. I mean who knows, it might even be you!”
HE stares at her.
ERIC: “Might?”
DONNA: “All I'm saying is we have to wait for the right time.”
ERIC: “Okay. How about now?”
DONNA: “Um, no.”
ERIC: “Okay. How about now?”
DONNA: “No.”
ERIC: “Okay. Now?”
DONNA: “Yes.”
ERIC: “Really?”
DONNA: “No.”
ERIC: “Okay. Now, right?”
SHE shoves him a little and leaves.
ERIC: “I'll be waiting.”
DONNA: “Shut up.”
ERIC: “I've got a birthday coming up, so…”
RED comes over holding a water hose and sprays ERIC. ERIC falls off the car and looks at RED.
RED: “It's for your own good son.”
RED blows at the hose and leaves.
THE END
