OUTSIDE HIGHSCHOOL
Hyde, Eric and Donna are standing outside in the car park
DONNA: Hey, check it out, I’ve got an F on my rapport card.
ERIC: An F? What did you fail?
DONNA: English!
ERIC: Isn’t that...what we speak?
HYDE: Hey, I got a B in Spanish! When did I start taking Spanish?
Donna lights up a cigarette
ERIC: Wow Donna! That’s a cigarette!
HYDE: Even worse, it’s a menthol! You’re gonna get suspended little lady!
ERIC: When did you start smoking?
DONNA: Well you just saw me light it!
ERIC: It’s haha, come on Donna, you know smoking causes cancer.
DONNA: I know, but it makes me look cool, so it’s an even trade. Hold this (she hands Eric the cigarette, he holds it at an arms lenght)
HYDE: Jeez Forman! Hold it like a man would ya?!
ERIC: Shut up! (he holds the cigarette like he’s smoking it and leans against the car) Wow Donna, first you fail English, now you’re smoking. Can I ask you, what are you doing?!
DONNA: Smoking...failing.
TEACHER: Hey Forman! Smoking on school property?
DONNA: No that’s not his, that’s mine!
ERIC: No, it’s ehh...it’s mine (he takes a drag from the cigarette and leaves it in his mouth) Yeah! Mmm! Menthol!
DONNA: Eric! Quit it!
TEACHER: Yeah okay! Let’s go Forman (he drags Eric back into the school)
HYDES (pickes up the cigarette): Dios mio, no es bueno!
OPENING CREDITS
THE HUB
Donna, Kelso, Eric and Hyde are sitting at a table
HYDE: Eric Formans first suspension! I’m so proud!
KELSO: No wait, back up, why did you get suspended?
DONNA: Cause he’s stupid!
KELSO: They can do that?!
DONNA: No, he told them it was his cigarette, and that’s stupid!
ERIC: Please Donna, stop, don’t fall all over yourself thanking me.
DONNA: I didn’t need your help!
HYDE: Yeah Forman, I think she wants to get in trouble. It’s Donna’s little cry for help. “Help me, help me” ! We hear you Donna, and we love you.
DONNA: Get bend, you guys are jerks! (she leaves)
KELSO: Why am I a jerk, I don’t even know what’s going on!
ERIC: This is great. Why did I even take the fall? I mean Donna doesn’t care and Red’s gonna kill me.
HYDE: Relax Forman, he’s not gonna... O wait did you say kill you? Hahahaha, yeah you’re right!
ERIC: Hyde this isn’t funny, Red isn’t on screw ups. Getting suspended from school is right up there with...backing up over my mom.
KELSO: Hey man, having a chick is about sacrifice. Like Jackie, she wants do decorate my van with some of her girly stuff right. So I tell her she can have one stuffed animal. In the glovebox! See, sacrifice!
HYDE: Kelso, remember how you used to put your whole fist in your mouth?
KELSO: Yeah!
HYDE: Do it now!
KELSO: Damn why is everybody so crabby today?!
Fez and Jackie come in, carrying a suitcase
KELSO: What’s in the suitcase?
JACKIE: Stuffed animals for in the van remember? Look Michael, I know we agreed on just one. But then I got to think, and well, I want them all!
KELSO: But...!
JACKIE: But WHAT Michael?!
KELSO: But...!....Okay....
HYDE: Ooooh ease up on her Kelso...
ERIC: Sacrifice is hard
Kelso and Jackie leave, Fez takes a seat
FEZ: So, my hostparents send me up on a blind date and she has a friend for you Hyde.
HYDE: Finally, somebody to love!
FEZ: And it gets better! They’re not even blind! (Eric and Hyde don’t laugh) Get it? Blind? (still no response) Screw you, that’s funny!
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
BOB: Oh hi honey, you’re mom and I are going out tonight. It’s happy hour are Swingels.
DONNA: What’s Swingels?
BOB: It’s a singles bar.
MIDGE: No, it’s a swingers bar!
BOB: It’s both.
DONNA: And you’re neither!
BOB: Don’t get involved Donna, this is grown-up stuff.
DONNA: Well, before you go, there’s my rapport card
MIDGE: OH!
BOB: An F? Donna, we’re very disappointed, and we’re gonna have a long talk about this!
MIDGE: Yes we are! Right after happy hour.
BOB: Provided we don’t meet anyone.
DONNA: Alright, I’ve learned my lesson, and I’ll be sure to try harder.
BOB: There’s our girl!
MIDGE (as they leave): Oh, wish us luck!
FORMAN KITCHEN
Laurie is reading a magazine, Eric walks in
LAURIE: Welcome home smoker!
ERIC: Oh no...
LAURIE: The school just called. You’re lucky I answered the phone and not dad.
ERIC: You didn’t tell?
LAURIE: Eric! Ofcourse I didn’t tell!
Red walks in
RED: Well, if it isn’t Mister Smoker!
LAURIE: Oh wait...yes I did...
THE HUB
Fez and Hyde are sitting at a table, waiting for their dates
FEZ: I’m nervous!
HYDE: Don’t be nervous, you’ll get sweaty.
FEZ: Oh no, too late! I can’t help it, this is my first official American date!
HYDE: That’s why I’m here Fez, to help you out man. Unless they’re uggo’s, and then I’m gone.
FEZ: There they are! And they’re not even uggo’s!
HYDE: Oh they’re hot! The blond is blond...and hot!
FEZ: Yes, and since I set us up on this date, she’s mine, right?
HYDE: Well I can see why you’d think that, but actually, since I came along to help you out, American custom dictates that I get the blond.
FEZ: Once again, the local custom bones the foreign guy.
HYDE: America man! Love it or leave it.
KELSO’s VAN
JACKIE: This, this is Camomile the camel, he can sit in the backseat. But Lama Cass here, she has to sit up in the front with us!
KELSO: Jackie, it’s just... I thought all you wanted was to put in one little animal.
JACKIE: Well I know Michael, but this way, there will be even more things to remind you of me. Don’t you like thinking about me?
KELSO: No ofcourse I do, the thing is, how can I say this without hurting your feelings... Oh okay, I don’t want you stupid things in my cool van!
JACKIE: OH! (she leaves the van)
KELSO (goes after her): NO! I didn’t say you were stupid, just everything you like!
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red, Laurie, Kitty and Eric are having dinner
RED: Congratulations Eric, you got suspended. Are you getting dumber?
ERIC: Gee I don’t think so. Look dad, I don’t smoke.
LAURIE: Daddy, if Eric’s a smoker, and he lies about smoking, doesn’t that make him a smoking liar?
KITTY: Okay you know that’s enough. Eric have some more pot roast, here is some mashed potatoes and here is a photo of a cancerous lung...
ERIC: WOW! Mom, gross! Look, I don’t smoke!
KITTY: Okay, well either way, that is what’s gonna happen to your lungs if you keep on smoking.
RED: Well the way he is screwing up his life, death will be a sweet release.
ERIC: So I’ve got that to look forward to...
RED: You got suspended pal! How do you think your college interviews are gonna go?
Eric imagines himself at a college interview
MAN (with Red’s voice): Well...looks like we have a model student here! Excellent grades, secretary treasure of the AV-club...Uhoh, what’s this?! You were suspended?!
ERIC (with Kitty’s voice): Yes, sir, for smoking UCHE-UCH
MAN (with Red’s voice): Well, we can’t have a loser like you at our school! I’m sorry to say you’re not Princeton material dumb-ass!
ERIC (with Kitty’s voice): Oh if only UCHE-UCH I’d listened UCHE UCHE to my mother UCHE-UUUCHH (coughs up some phlegm) Sorry...
Back in the kitchen
ERIC: What a lesson I have learned...can I go?
RED: Sure...Right after you smoke this entire pack of cigarettes!
LAURIE: Yay Daddy! Oeh, tear off the filters!
ERIC: Dad, you can’t be serious...
RED: Have I ever NOT been serious?
ERIC: Dad, I’m telling you the truth, okay you have to take my word for it, I don’t smoke!
RED: Your word huh...
ERIC: It’s all a man has.
KITTY: Oh now that’s nice!
RED: What a load of crap! Light up! (throws Eric the packet)
FORMAN’s DRIVEWAY
Eric is sweeping, Red is sitting on the porch, Bob walks by
BOB: Hey, I heard Eric got suspended?!
RED: Yeah and we’re all real proud!
BOB: I’ll tell you what Red, I think Donna’s been having trouble because Eric’s a bad influence!
RED: Could be...but did you ever think the way you and Midge act like idiots that might be screwing her up?
BOB: Nope, I’m pretty sure it’s Eric.
RED: Well, that’s kinda stupid Bob.
BOB: Well I guess the truth hurts.
RED: So does a swift kick in the ass!
BOB: Alright I’m going! But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything Forman!
RED: I gotta disagree Bob! (Bob leaves)
ERIC: Gee Dad, thanks...
RED: KEEP SWEEPING smoker!
ON A ROAD SOMEWHERE
Kelso is behind the wheel of his van, driving alongside a pissed off Jackie
KELSO: Jackie! Get in the van!
JACKIE: No!
KELSO: Jackie! Get in the van!
JACKIE: No!
KELSO (soft): Get in the van...
JACKIE: No!
KELSO (soft): Jackie...
JACKIE: No!
KELSO (shouting): Jackie! Get in the van!
JACKIE: ....
Kelso starts hitting the dashboard with a stuffed animal: OH!!
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
Donna sitting at the table, Eric comes in
ERIC: Hey.
DONNA: Hi.
ERIC: So, what do you wanna do, you wanna watch some TV or eat some ice cream or.. I don’t know, apologize to me?
DONNA: I’m sorry!
ERIC: Well you should be! Okay, I’m sorry, I was expecting more of a fight.
DONNA: Did you get in a lot of trouble for of the cigarette?
ERIC: Surprisingly, yes. Turns out Red has a temper, so yeah...who knew...
DONNA: Really?
ERIC: And..uh... your dad doesn’t like me anymore.
DONNA: That’s okay. Cause I do! (they kiss)
Bob walks in
BOB: What is HE doing here?
DONNA (on Eric’s lap): Who?
ERIC: Maybe you should get off me so I could like...run away?
BOB: You better get outta here!
DONNA: Okay, FINE, I’ll get outta here! (gets up)
ERIC: Actually I think he was talking to me...
DONNA: Come on!
ERIC (gets up): Uh okay boy this is awkward, with Donna and the yelling and uh...(Bob looks at him, angry, Eric leaves)
THE HUB
Hyde and Fez are talking with their dates
MARY: So then my pastor said it’s okay to get a B once in a while, nobody’s perfect! Except (she points upwards) you know who!
HYDE: You know, it’s so refreshing to meet someone who’s believes are the complete opposite of mine...
MARY: Well I’m episcopalian and my best friend’s presbyterian, but we’re still best friends! It’s hard work, but..it’s worth it!
HYDE: I bet you make really good punch huh...
MARY: Oh my gosh the best!
PATTY: I mean, the teachers say they deserve our respect, but they don’t! I mean who are they to teach us about history and maths?
FEZ: Hm. I do feel rebellious sexual tensions
PATTY: I mean, it’s like Malcolm X said, by any means necessary!
HYDE: You like Malcolm X?
FEZ: Hey, who doesn’t like Malcolm X?
PATTY: You heard of Malcolm X in Panama?
FEZ: Oh no, I’m not from Panama, I’m from...
HYDE: Hey Fez, come here (Fez gets up) American custom be damned, I want you to have the blond!
FEZ: Oh my God! Blondes are notorious whores! Thank you Hyde!
HYDE: Not a problem (they switch chairs and thus, girls)
FEZ (to Mary): Hi! (to Patty): Bye!
ON A ROAD SOMEWHERE
Kelso is still behind the wheel of his van, still driving alongside a pissed off Jackie
KELSO: Come on Jackie. Just get in the van...
JACKIE: No!
KELSO: Jackie. Just get in the van...
JACKIE: No!
KELSO: Jackie...
JACKIE: No!
KELSO: Get in the...
JACKIE: No!
KELSO: Jackie...
JACKIE: No!
KELSO: Jackie-get-in-the-van!
JACKIE: No!
KELSO: Alright. I’m just gonna leave now...
JACKIE: Bye...
KELSO: Ah dammit Jackie GET IN THE VAN!
JACKIE: Nope.
THE HUB
The guys are still on their date
MARY: Well I heard G-11, so naturally I yelled out: BINGO! Boy was the pastor cheesed at me...
FEZ: Great story...So you are a blond?
MARY: Yeah, natural!
HYDE: I can’t believe you like all the same bands that I like!
PATTY: Yeah, I just like music that’s passionate and rebellious and really pisses off my dad!
MARY: Oh Patty don’t say ‘piss’! OH!
HYDE: Hey, you know what’ll really piss off you dad? You and me grab a twelvepack and stay out all night!
PATTY: I can’t. I have a big test tomorrow.
HYDE: That’s funny. Let’s go.
PATTY: No really, I’ve gotta go study.
HYDE: Study? You don’t study, you’ve got a tattoo!
PATTY: Hyde, rebellion is cool and all, but I want to get into a good college so I can fight the system from the inside. It was nice meeting you though! Mary?
MARY: Oh no, go ahead without me... So Fez, uhm, my parents aren’t home, wanna come back to my house? I have a hot-tub!
FEZ: That would be super! (They leave, leaving Hyde behind)
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
ERIC: Donna is it me, or does your dad hating me make me even more sexy?
DONNA: Sure.
ERIC: Yeah, I think he senses my bad-boyness...
DONNA: Yeah Eric, you’re a parents worst nightmare
ERIC: Yes. Yes I am!
Kitty sneaks backwards out of the kitchen door and lights up a cigarette
ERIC: Mom what are you doing?!
KITTY (tries to hide cigarette): Nothing! And you (points to Eric with cigarette) you just you do as I say and not as I do!
Laurie walks by
LAURIE: Ahh hey mom, cool, give me a drag (she takes the cigarette)
KITTY: Okay, now see, Laurie is doing as I do, that is wrong!
RED: What is going on out here?
Laurie drops the cigarette, Eric puts it out with his foot
RED: Eric!! Are you smoking again?!
LAURIE: I think he is daddy!
KITTY: No he is not!
ERIC: I DON’T SMOKE!
KITTY: I think this might be my fault, I think he is just imitating me so he can look cool.
DONNA: Mr. and Mrs. Forman, Eric got caught holding my cigarette at school. I’m the one who was smoking.
KITTY (looking at Red): Ooooww...
RED: Well Donna, thank you for your honesty.
ERIC: WHAT?! How come you believe HER?! I told you I don’t smoke!
DONNA: Okay, I’m gonna go home now, so...goodnight! (she leaves)
LAURIE (upset): Eric’s not in trouble now?! FINE! (she leaves)
KITTY: Well now...I think you have something to say to Eric.
RED: Oh yeah...(pats Eric on the back) Nice job on the driveway...
KITTY: Red!
RED: Okay, just...(he gestures that she has to leave. To Eric): Okay, I’m gonna say I’m sorry but you know...you do lie a lot!
ERIC: What have I lied about?!
RED: You lied about the beer keg, the dent in the VistaCruiser, you lied when you said you weren’t taking the car out of town!
ERIC: What, you knew about that?!
RED: I do now!
ERIC: OH!
RED: Ha! We’re even!
ERIC: Oh dad, you’ve got to be kidding me.
RED: Okay. I’m sorry I made you smoke all those cigarettes.
ERIC: Okay, yeah. That’s okay. Actually I kinda liked them...
RED: Watch it!
ERIC: Nah, I think they’ll go great with beer! (he goes inside)
RED: So does a swift kick in the ass!
ON A ROAD SOMEWHERE
Kelso is still behind the wheel of his van, still driving alongside a pissed off Jackie
KELSO: Jackie, get in the van!
JACKIE: No!
Kelso hits the brakes
KELSO: Okay FINE! I GIVE UP, I GIVE UP! You can keep your stuffed animals in the van.
JACKIE: Do you really mean it?
KELSO: Yeah, just one.
JACKIE: Five.
KELSO: Two.
JACKIE: Four.
KELSO: Three.
JACKIE: Four.
KELSO: Deal! (They shake hands and they kiss)
JACKIE: Five!
KELSO: Ah alright..Five!
JACKIE: Six!
KELSO: FIVE! (Jackie runs to get into the van)
MARY’s BACKYARD
Fez and Mary are sitting in the hot-tub
FEZ: So, you have me in your tub. If you tried to send a sexy message, then message recieved!
MARY: Well Fez, I know we made out in my parents bedroom and I know we frenched in the poolhouse and I know that may seem romantic to some people...
FEZ: Tell me something I don’t know!
MARY: I have a boyfriend.
FEZ: See, that I did not know!
MARY: Fez I really like you, but he’s in college and we’re still faithful.
FEZ: I see. You know, there are many ways to remain faithful yet still have fun!
MARY: Really?
FEZ: Oh yes! (he takes off his swimming pants) Ahhh, that’s much better!
FORMAN’s BASEMENT
Donna walks in
DONNA: Hey.
ERIC: Hey.
DONNA: So I told Bob and Midge that it was my cigarette.
ERIC: And how did that go?
DONNA: Really good, they grounded me.
ERIC: Cool. So what are you doing over here?
DONNA: Snuck out. Being grounded makes it so much naughtier! (they kiss)
ERIC: You know Donna, I’m not gonna tell you what to do, but failing classes is not the only way to get attention from your parents, I mean, for instance, a lot of girls when they’re having a bad time at home just...go slutty!
DONNA: You know what Eric? You’re right! Let’s have sex RIGHT NOW!
ERIC: Really?
DONNA: No.
ERIC: Stop doing that!
THE END
