(Donna and Eric are in Eric's bedroom, putting clothes back on. They cast
nervous glances at each other, not exactly sure what to say.)
Eric: So. This is what it's like to not be a virgin!
Donna: Yeah. So…how are you?
Eric: Good. How are you?
Donna: Good!
Eric: Good.
Donna: Good.
Eric: It was good! (There's a pause.) Right?
Donna: I can honestly say, the best I've ever had. Was I good?
Eric: Were you good? Donna, you know how my mom's all over my back to write
thank you notes and I never do, well, trust me, you're getting a thank you note.
Donna: Ok. (She stands up.) We better get back downstairs before people start
wondering where we are.
Eric: Right. Oh! And we're gonna need a cover story, so…yeah, let's just tell
'em all we had sex.
Donna: No!
Eric: Yeah, I know, I'm kidding, uh…we'll say we went out for ice, because…we
needed to cool down from having sex!
Donna: Maybe I should do the talking.
Eric: Yeah, well, you know, try to work it in somewhere that we had sex, in
conversation, if it comes up. Gra-uh-gracefully!
(Donna shoves him out the door.)
(That 70's Show theme song plays.)
** ** **
(Fez and Hyde are milling around after the wedding. Hyde is holding a glass and
pouring half full drinks into it.)
Hyde: See Fez, you take all the partially consumed drinks, and mix 'em together
to combine one giant über drink! (Holds up the glass) In this case, Torn
Wallbanger Bloody Sunrise on the Beach!
(He takes a drink. Fez smiles.)
(Cut to Kelso and Laurie talking.)
Laurie: Kelso, have you been avoiding me?
Kelso: You kidding me? I'm right here, aren't I?
Laurie: It's just that ever since I threatened to tell Jackie about the two of
us, you've seemed distant.
Kelso: Laurie, that's just crazy, all right? You blackmailing me has just
brought us closer together.
(Cut to Donna and Eric walking back into the room where the wedding happened.
Bob is getting a drink, and they walk up to him.)
Bob: Hey, there kids, where've you two been?
Donna: God, Dad can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of
accusations? I mean, god, it was just a minute!
Eric: To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.
(Bob looks at Eric suspiciously. Jackie walks up and taps Donna.)
Jackie: Donna, one of your drunken uncles is touching me. (Her face changes as
she looks at Donna.) Oh my god.
(The camera cuts to Donna's face, which has "I HAD SEX" written on it in big
black letters.)
Jackie: Oh my god! We need to talk. Right now!
(She pulls Donna out of the room. Bob turns to Eric and glowers at him.)
Eric: What?
(The camera cuts to Eric's face, which has "GUILTY" written on it in big black
letters. Bob just stares and glares at him.)
** ** **
(The Forman's kitchen. Kitty is still in her bridesmaid dress. Red is holding
the mail in his hand.)
Red: Yay, my first paycheck from Price Mart! The dark times are over, Kitty!
Kitty: Oh, honey, those weren't dark times, it was…an economic segue!
Red: Well, it's over. We should celebrate! Come on, Kitty, let's get you
pregnant!
(She hits him.)
Kitty: Red!
Red: I'm kidding! You know I can barely stand the kids we have! You know what we
should do? Treat ourselves to something nice.
Kitty: (She bangs on the table.) I know! We can turn on the heat!
** ** **
(Donna and Jackie are sitting on the front steps talking.)
Jackie: All right. Tell me everything.
Donna: No.
Jackie: Come on, Donna, we're supposed to be friends. Aren't we friends?
Donna: Well, yeah.
Jackie: Ok, then. So. What'd it look like?
(Donna rolls her eyes)
Donna: Jackie!
Jackie: Ok, we'll come back to that one. So how was it?
Donna: Jackie, I don't really wanna talk about it.
Jackie: Oh. That bad, huh?
Donna: No, no, no. It was great. It just wasn't what I expected. I don't think
we did it right.
Jackie: So Eric's not good?
Donna: It was more like…like neither of us was good.
Jackie: Donna. It's not up to the woman to be good.
Donna: I dunno, Jackie. I mean, I love Eric, but when the moment came, it was
just like, awkward. And weird. And….I dunno, I just felt so far away, you know.
Jackie: No. But go on!
Donna: I mean, during it I just remember thinking, you know, this it it? This is
what everyone…
Jackie: Everyone what?
Donna: That's as far as I got.
Jackie: Oh. See, that's the problem.
Donna: That's not the problem.
Jackie: Oh, trust me, that's a problem.
Donna: Ok, you know what Jackie? Everything's fine. Just don't tell anyone about
this, ok?
Jackie: (unconvincingly) Ok.
Donna: Ok?
Jackie: Ok!
** ** **
(Cut to Jackie and Kelso talking on the steps.)
Kelso: Eric and Donna had sex?
Jackie: Yeah, yeah. And Eric wasn't good at it.
Kelso: Wow. Really. That's great!
** ** **
(Eric's basement. Hyde, Eric, and Fez are watching TV. Hyde is sitting in his
chair, and Eric and Fez are sitting on the couch. Eric has a great big grin on
his face.)
TV: And I would've gotten away with it, too. If it wasn't for those darn kids.
Fez: Oh, I love the Scooby Doo.
Hyde: Forman, what the hell are you grinning about?
Eric: What? A guy can't grin?
Hyde: I think that maybe Forman and Donna finally made the beast with two backs.
Fez: The Backasaurus?
(They just stare at Fez.)
Hyde: So?
Eric: Well, Hyde, I'm not saying yes, and I'm not saying no, but...I'm
especially not saying no.
Hyde: Thank god, man, I'm telling you, I couldn't deal with one more week of
that will they, won't they crap.
(Kelso bursts through the door.)
Kelso: Hey.
Hyde: Hey.
Kelso: What's going on?
Hyde: Donna made Forman a man.
Eric: Oh, yeah, she did.
Kelso: Really? So. How was it?
Eric: Well…boys…I tell ya. It was as if, in that one magic moment, the two
people, Donna and Eric, ceased to exist. And were replaced instead by one
perfect being. Donnaric Formsciotti.
Kelso: So. Eric, you're saying it was good?
Eric: Kelso, was Michaelangelo's creation of Adam good?
(Kelso just stares at him, not understanding.)
Eric: Yes, Kelso, it was good.
Kelso: So, well, my first time, Jackie called me the Apollo rocket of live. What
kind of rocket were you?
Eric: Where're you going with this, Kelso?
Kelso: Nowhere. (Pause) 'CEPT JACKIE SAID YOU WERE TOTALLY LAME IN THE SACK!!!
Eric: (Disbelief) Jackie said?!?
Kelso: Yeah. Donna told Jackie and Jackie told me. Oh! But you can't tell Jackie
I told you 'cause she'd get pissed.
Fez: It's okay, Eric. Maybe sex isn't your thing.
(Eric drops his face in his hands, completely mortified.)
** ** **
(Red and Kitty are walking outside. Red is covering Kitty's eyes and leading her
toward a big surprise.)
Red: All right. Almost there!
Kitty: Oh, I can't wait to see what we got!
Red: Oh, you're gonna love it! Are you ready?
Kitty: Uh-huh!
Red: Ta-da! (He takes his hand off her eyes. The big surprise is a big red
motorcycle.)
Kitty: A motorcycle?
Red: Don't you love it?
Kitty: (sarcastically) Of course I do, Red. What woman wouldn't?
Red: Oh, you hate it.
Kitty: (Brutally honest) Of course I do, Red! What woman wouldn't? Red, I
thought, I thought we would get something we both would enjoy, like a, a
necklace!
Red: But this is much better than a necklace!
Kitty: How?
Red: Well, it's…not a stupid necklace! (Kitty is frustrated and walks back in
the house.) But it's shiny!
** ** **
(Eric's basement. Eric is sitting on the couch reading a comic. Donna walks in.)
Donna: Hey!
Eric: Hey.
(Donna sits down next to him. He doesn't look up from his comic.)
Donna: So…what's new?
Eric: Well, turns out I'm really lame in the sack, what's new with you? (He
tosses the comic aside and stands up.)
Donna: W-what?
Eric: Oh, it's all the news. Jackie told Kelso and, Kelso told all of us, so,
sorry I'm "lame in the sack."
Donna: (Stands up to face Eric.) I never said that. I said it felt awkward and
weird.
Eric: Oh. (He places his hand over his heart, and waves his hands as if to say,
"That washes it all away, so never mind.") What a relief. You could've told me!
Donna: How am I supposed to tell you something like that?
Eric: I don't know, how 'bout, hey Eric, you're awkward and weird!
Donna: You know what? That's the problem. We did this really huge thing and now
I feel like I can't even talk to you about it!
Eric: Well, god knows you can talk to Jackie.
Donna: I knew this was gonna happen.
Eric: What?
Donna: I knew that once we did this, everything would change, and damned if it
didn't.
Eric: Well, if that's the way you feel about it, maybe we should never do it
again. (He sits back down on the couch.)
Donna: (Leaving.) Great.
Eric: Oh….Great! (Donna walks out the door.) Oh great.
** ** **
(The Forman's driveway. Red is sitting on the motorcycle and Kitty is watching
him.)
Red: Look, Kitty. Look how good I look on it. Hey! We could get matching
jackets. You know how you love things that match!
Kitty: Red, what were you thinking?
Red: Oh, come on, Kitty! You know the last thing I bought for myself? A hose.
Kitty: Well, I'm sorry, but we can't afford it.
Red: What do you mean? I'm working again.
Kitty: But we still have to get outta debt. (She starts pacing) And we have to
pay for Eric's college and we got, we got Laurie's wedding and, and you know
whoever she ends up with is not gonna be any Rockefeller!
Red: Ah, I suppose you're right. Well at least let's take one ride on it before
we bring it back?
Kitty: (Reluctantly) Ok, fine. (She gets on the motorcycle behind Red and he
revs it up.) Oh, that feels nice. (He revs it again.) Oh! That feels very nice!
(They drive off.)
** ** **
(Jackie and Kelso are sitting in Kelso's van. Jackie shuts the door.)
Jackie: Michael, how could you?
Kelso: What'd I do?
Jackie: Michael, I didn't tell you about Eric's…sad dilemma so you could make
fun of him. I told you so you could help him.
Kelso: Well Jackie, I can't help him and burn him at the same time.
(Jackie glares at him.)
Kelso: Uh, I mean come on, Jackie, it's funny! And he must have been really bad.
Jackie: Yeah well, so were you.
Kelso: Uh! All right Jackie, I don't think you know what you're saying. Ok,
'cause you called me your Apollo rocket of love.
Jackie: Right. But I said it like, (total sarcasm) Oh, Michael, you're a regular
Apollo rocket of love.
Kelso: Ok, I don't hear a difference.
(Jackie, frustrated, gets out of the van and, as she's leaving, runs into Eric.)
Jackie: Eric, if it makes you feel any better, Michael was really bad his first
time, too.
Kelso: (From van) Uh!
Eric: Oh, that's supposed to make me feel better?
Jackie: Doesn't it?
Eric: Yeah, a little. Thanks Jackie!
** ** **
(Eric's basement. Eric, Fez, Hyde, and Kelso are all getting high.)
Hyde: Forman, I've been thinking about your problem with Donna. And after hours
of serious consideration…it still makes me laugh.
Kelso: Hey. Ya leave Eric alone. All right? He's our friend. And he needs our
help, in this his most desperate hour. I'm with yo, buddy, Semper Fi!
Eric: Gee, Kelso, why the sudden change of heart? Oh, Maybe it's because the
"Apollo rocket of love" blew up all over the launch pad?
Fez: Whoa ho ho, a mystery! One suitable for Scooby Doo and his gang of cartoon
teenagers! You know guys, sometimes I wish we were cartoon teenagers.
(The camera swings around to Hyde, and he is a cartoon. Scooby Doo-esque music
is playing in the background.)
Cartoon Hyde: Zoinks. That'd be super, Fez. Look, man. If god had meant for
virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged
hookers, man!
Cartoon Fez: Amen, brother! Because if there's one thing men like us know, it's
how to have sex. Oh, I cannot live with this lie. Everyone prepare to be
shocked! I, Fez, am still a virgin.
Cartoon Eric: Gosh, my world no longer makes sense. Fine Hyde, but, now that the
middle-aged hooker ship has sailed, what am I supposed to do?
Cartoon Kelso: Well, I know I got a lot better when I started making it with
your sister. I got it! You should make it with my sister!
Cartoon Hyde: Kelso, I've seen your sister. She's a virgin, and she's gonna be.
For a long time.
Cartoon Kelso: All right, what are you saying?
Cartoon Eric: Well I think he's saying, moooo.
Cartoon Fez: Ok, maybe you did not hear me. Fez, the man you all revere, has
still not had sex. (The cartoon Fez eats a chicken leg.)
Cartoon Hyde: Yeah, heard you the first time. Forman, you've gotta figure out
what you're doing wrong, man. And fast. You know what women call guys who are
lame in the sack? Just friends.
Cartoon Kelso: Yeah, but you can't let the pressure get to you. I mean, don't
think about how embarrassing it'd be if you tried and you couldn't. And she'd
stare at you with those cruel black eyes, as if to say…you're not really a man,
Michael! You're not a man at all!!!
Cartoon Eric: Oh…kay, well, this has been, really helpful guys.
Cartoon Fez: All right, you called my bluff. I am not really a virgin, heh heh.
Yes I am. (His cartoon eats a club sandwich.)
** ** **
(Red and Kitty pull up in the motorcycle. Kitty is laughing.)
Red: All right, fun's fun. Time to take it back.
Kitty: No.
Red: No?
Kitty: No, I like it, I wanna keep it.
Red: But you said yourself, we gotta save money for the kids!
Kitty: Oh, screw the damn kids. Oh, Red, I have worked double shifts all year, I
deserve this. I want my hog. (She laughs again.)
Red: You know, Laurie might not even get married.
Kitty: Maybe Eric'll get a scholarship to college.
Red: Oh, hell, he might be too stupid to even get in college!
Kitty: Well, Red, we can only hope!
** ** **
(Donna is sitting on the couch. The camera is focused on her.)
Donna: Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?
(Cut to Midge)
Midge: Oh, my first time was with a guy named…your father.
(Cut to Laurie)
Laurie: My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special! Oh
no, wait. It wasn't Darren, it was…Robert? I think, Robert!
(Cut to Kitty)
Kitty: Well, um, Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five
seconds after we were married. We said, to heck with the receiving line and hit
the nearest closet!
(Cut to Midge)
Midge: Oh, I remember running my hands through his long blonde hair and
listening to his beautiful British accent. (She has a faraway look in her eyes,
then suddenly snaps out of it.) You see, because, back then your father was
blonde and British!
(Cut to Laurie)
Laurie: No, no no no, not Robert. There was this guy…what was his name? Or was
it his brother? It'll come to me.
(Cut to Kitty)
Kitty: Good god, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red
got it off in no time! You wouldn't know it to look at him but Red's got very
nimble fingers. Nimble!
(Cut to Midge)
Midge: I just remember it was very disappointing. And I never saw that guy
again. I mean, your father. I mean, you father was the first. Don't tell your
father, ok?
(Cut to Laurie)
Laurie: I wanna say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he
wasn't very good.
(Cut to Kitty)
Kitty: And it was just wonderful. Eventually.
** ** **
(Donna is sitting down in her living room to read a book, when Eric walks in.)
Eric: Ok, Donna. Here's the deal. Do you have any Rolaids?
(Donna stares at him, confused.)
Eric: Ok, uh, I've been thinking, about what we said, about us not doing it
again, and uh, I've decided that's just crazy talk.
Donna: But Eric, we did it and now everything's a mess.
(Eric sits on the couch next to her.)
Eric: See, Donna, everything you and I do is a mess. At first. I mean, face it,
we're just a couple of goons here. (They laugh) The first time we kissed, the
first time we went out...
Donna: The first time I let you get to second.
Eric: Exactly. (Considers what he's just heard) Wait, what'd I do wrong then?
Donna: (laughing) God, it was like you were tuning a radio.
Eric: Ok. Ok, but, do I still do that?
Donna: No.
Eric: And the kissing? Has that gotten better?
Donna: Yeah, like a zillion times better.
Eric: And, Donna, you know why those things got better? Because...we...kinda
care about each other and we talk and, we make things work.
Donna: Yeah, but what if it doesn't work? And then not only does it not work,
but we don't have what we used to have?
Eric: Donna, we will. We love each other, right? So, trust me. It can only get
better.
(Donna lets this sink in and smiles.)
Donna: Ok, so, I guess what you're saying is, we need practice.
Eric: And lots of it! Yes!
** ** **
(Donna and Eric sitting on Eric's bed. They're putting clothes back on.)
Eric: So?
Donna: Yeah, it was a little better.
Eric: A little better? I am the king!
(They kiss.)
The End
