Scene starts out at the Hub. Fez is drinking soda, and Eric is doing his
homework. Fez is trying to get Eric’s attention by drinking really loudly to
show Eric he’s done with his soda.)
Fez: That is the saddest sound in the world. (He goes back to slurping.) No more
soda for Fez. And no more money for-
Eric: Fez, do you need me to buy you another soda?
Fez: Oh Eric, you do not buy soda. You only rent it. (Eric just stares at him,
with a glare that says, “I know you did not just say what you just said.”) You
know what I mean. (Eric continues to stare at him.) I mean you pee it out…
Eric: I got it. Go.
(He points his pencil in the direction of the bathroom. Fez gets up and goes. He
unzips his pants and puts his hand up against the wall and looks at all the
phone numbers on the wall.)
Fez: Well, I’ll have to remember THAT phone number.
(Caroline appears from inside the stall.)
Caroline: Hey Fez!
Fez: (embarrassed…he zips up his pants and steps away from the toilet.)
Caroline! What are you doing?
Caroline: I knew you’d be in here. I saw you had the large root beer.
Fez: Caroline, you have to leave me alone.
Caroline: But I want to be with you!
Fez: But I told you…I won’t go through because I’m with Donna yes? Remember
Donna?
Caroline: Well you better be. Because if you’re not, that means you still love
me, and if you still love me, and you’re not with me, I’ll make you pay.
Fez: Well, that would only be scary if I was lying about Donna and me. (He
laughs nervously.)
Caroline: Well if you are lying then I’ll know. Because I’ll be watching you.
Fez: Fine, go ahead. I’m not afraid.
(He leaves the bathroom. Caroline stands there with her arms crossed angrily.
Fez goes back to the booth where he and Eric are sitting.)
Fez: Oh Eric, I am afraid.
Eric: What’s wrong?
Fez: When I broke up with Crazy Caroline, I told her I was dating Donna. But I’m
not dating Donna, you are dating Donna. (Thinks for a second.) Hey, could I
borrow Donna?
Eric: Sure!
(“That 70’s Show” Theme song plays.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s basement. Eric, Fez, and Hyde are watching Kelso and Jackie. Kelso
and Jackie are sitting on the couch staring at each other.)
Kelso: I don’t want to blink because I’m afraid of missing a second of your
cuteness.
Jackie: I know. It’s torture for me too!
Hyde: I could tear your eyelids off.
(Jackie gives him a look.)
Jackie: Come on Michael. Let’s go to a place where our love is understood.
Eric: Oh hey, while you’re there…check out the new monkey house.
Fez: Oh, it never ends with those two. “I love you. I love you. I love you. Ah,
pft!”
Hyde: It won’t last. Trust me. An unnatural state must return to its natural
state. Thus, Kelso and Jackie will have a fight any day.
Fez: (Hopefully) Really?
Hyde: It’s simple physics.
Eric: Hey guys, we should get a pool going. (He sits down on the couch and grabs
a pen an paper.) We’ll draw a bet for five days. And if they fight on your day
you win the pot.
Fez: That pot? If that’s a prize, then I am in.
(Donna walks in and sits down next to Eric.)
Donna: Hey guys.
Eric: Hey! (They kiss.)
Fez: I can’t thank you enough for agreeing to help me with Caroline.
Donna: Hey, anything for a friend. But if she tries to hurt me, I’m using you as
a shield.
Fez: Likewise.
Hyde: So while you’re with Fez, it looks like Forman will be living the single
life.
Eric: Oh hey, that’s right.
Donna: Oh, now you won’t get to take me to see the Turning Point.
Eric: The ballerina movie? (He puts on a sad face but speaks with dripping
sarcasm.) Oh, no.
** ** **
(The Forman’s driveway. Bob is there measuring and Red comes up behind him.)
Red: Need something Bob?
Bob: Well, it’s a funny thing. The wife and I were taking out a second mortgage
on the house, well that’s not the funny part since we’re pretty much destined
to.
Red: It’s a little bit funny Bob.
Bob: Anyways, I was looking at the property deed, and it seems that I own a few
feet of your drive and way and little bit of your garage.
Red: How’d you’d like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
Bob: Well I wouldn’t to be quite honest.
Red: It’s free!
** ** **
(The Hub. Donna and Fez are on their date.)
Fez: So, our first date. I guess we’re officially a couple now. A couple of
knuckle heads huh? Oh, make me laugh. (He laughs.)
(Caroline comes in.)
Donna: Oh, here she comes.
Fez: Show time.
(He puts a dime in the jukebox. They start dancing. Caroline just stands there
angrily. The scenes montage with them doing different things on their date.
Eating fries together, arm wrestling, dancing, drinking a soda with crazy
straws, and kissing. Then they go back to them dancing. Caroline gets angry and
pulls the plug on the jukebox and leaves. Fez and Donna slap hands in victory.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s basement. Eric has a pizza and junk food. He’s wearing only his
boxers and a white t-shirt. He stretches.)
Eric: Yep, yep, yep. So, should I watch a ballerina movie or Get Smart? (He
snaps.) Get Smart it is. (He gets up and changes the channel on the TV set.)
That’s right, I said Get Smart. (On his way back to the couch he grabs another
piece pizza and pretends to talk to Donna.) Oh, I’m sorry Donna. Did you want
the last piece? Well it’s too late! That’s right, I said it was too late. (A
beat.) Yeah! That’s right. That was me! That was me!
(Hyde comes in.)
Eric: Hey, Hyde! Welcome to the bachelor life! You know, with out Donna, I
realized I can revert to my natural state. I’m dirty, I’m lazy, and I don’t wear
pants. I’m just like you!
Hyde: No, no, see I’m an original, a war hog. You’re just a print.
Eric: Well, those are some pretty strong words coming from a guy wearing pants.
Oh wait, this is my favorite part. (He starts laughing hysterically at the TV.
Hyde gives him a look that says, “Was that YOU?”) Oh yeah, that was me. That
right, that was me!
** ** **
(The Forman’s garage. Bob is dumping Red’s stuff into the middle of it.)
Red: Bob! That’s my stuff! You put the hell back my stuff!
Bob: Sorry Red, it was in my part of the garage.
Kitty: What are you talking about? (She looks at Red.) What is he talking about?
Red: Kitty, let me talk to him. Bob, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY GARAGE!
Bob: Fine. (He steps to one side.) There ya go.
** ** **
(The Forman’s basement. Kelso and Jackie are making out on the couch. Eric is
sitting in a chair counting money for the pool, and Fez is looking at records.
Hyde walks in.)
Hyde: Hey, how goes the pool?
Eric: Great, we pulled fifteen spots. I got today, you got tomorrow.
Hyde: What? That bites. They’re never going to last until then!
Kelso: What won’t last until when?
Hyde: Huh?
Kelso: What?
Hyde: Oh, oh, I uh smashed a couple of toes. I’m waiting to see how long before
the nails fall off.
Kelso: I wanna play.
Jackie: Um, Michael, you’re a little busy right now.
Kelso: But Jackie! Those toenails could fall off at any minute.
Jackie: Hey! Me!
Kelso: Oh, I’m sorry puddin’. (He kisses her for a few seconds.) Okay, now I
want pudding!
Jackie: Me too! Let’s go.
(They run upstairs.)
Eric: (grabbing the money from Hyde.) I believe this is mine. Thank you all for
playing.
Hyde: What? That wasn’t a fight!
Eric: Let’s let Fez decide. Fez, fight or no?
Fez: I’m sorry Eric, but I’m going to have to say no. The pool goes on.
Eric: But Fez-
Fez: It goes on!
Hyde: Ah, what the hell. Now I want pudding.
Fez: I’m with you brother, let’s roll.
(They go upstairs. Eric gets up and stands in the middle of the room.)
Eric: God, I thought they’d never leave. (He starts to take off his pants. He
hears the door open and Donna comes in. He starts putting on his pants quickly.)
Donna: No, no! Don’t get all gusied up for me. I just came by to see how you
were. To make you sure you weren’t too lonely with out me.
Eric: Are you kidding? I’m having a great time! (He sits down on the couch, with
his pants on.) I think I’ve learned a lot about…Eric.
Donna: (sitting on the opposite end of the couch.) Well, I’m glad you’re having
fun.
Eric: But how about you? I mean, pretending to be Fez’s girlfriend has to be
kinda of a drag huh?
Donna: No! Fez is great! Last night he took me out for Putt Putt, and tomorrow,
he’s taking me on a hayride. Fez is so charming! You know, I can see why
Caroline is stalking him.
Eric: You know, I would’ve taken you on a hayride.
Donna: Eric, Eric, the point is that you’re having a great time, and I’m having
a great time. So have a great time.
Eric: No, you have a great time.
Donna: Oh I will!
Eric: Well I will too! (She leaves. He stands up, takes his pants off and throws
them to the ground and puts his hands on his hips, in a stance of triumph.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s basement. Eric is lying down on the couch with just a t-shirt and
boxers on. Fez is sitting in a chair talking to Eric.)
Fez: Eric, I cannot thank you enough for lending me your girlfriend. It feels so
good to be in a normal, healthy relationship.
Eric: Fez, it’s a fake, pretend relationship.
Fez: You say “tomato”; I say “tomato”. (Both of these pronounced to-may-to.)
Eric: Fez, “tomahto”.
Fez: What?
Eric: You say “tomahto”.
Fez: Why would I say “tomahto”? That’s not even a word, dummy.
Eric: Yeah, I’m sorry.
Fez: That’s okay Eric. Different strokes, for different strokes.
Eric: (not even bothering to correct that one.) Riiiggghhht.
Fez: All I know is, if I was married to a woman like Donna, it would be heaven.
Oh, the hi-jinx we would get into!
(Scene shifts to Fez’s dream of he and Donna. It is modeled after “I Love
Lucy”.)
Fez: (comes in through the front door of the Forman’s house, he’s dressed as
Ricky.) Lucy! I’m home!
Donna: (calling from the kitchen.) Ricky is that you? (She comes out with her
arms spread out and black stuff all over her dress.)
Fez: (Laughing like Ricky:) Lucy! What happened to you?
Donna: Oh Ricky, I was making molasses cookies for your band! And I had an
accident! (She cries like Lucy. It’s pretty annoying.)
Fez: Oh Lucy! (He hugs her and they find they are stuck together.) Uh oh.
Donna: Ricky! We’re stuck!
(The doorbell rings.)
Fez: I’ll get it. (He tries to run to the bell but can’t get rid of Lucy/Donna.
They start hopping to the door. He talks in Spanish the whole way there.
Ricky/Fez opens the door and Kitty and Red are there. They’re Ethel and Fred.)
Red: Hey ya Rick.
Kitty: Lucy, I brought over some flour for your cookies.
Donna: Oh Ethel! You’re a pal!
(Lucy/Donna and Ricky/Fez are still stuck together.)
Kitty: Gee Fred, would it hurt you to hug me like that?
Red: Probably not, but why take the chance?
(Kitty makes a face.) Fez: Hey, Fred, we got a sticky situation here. You wanna
help us out?
Red: Sure Rick.
(He tries to pull them apart.)
Donna: Ah, watch it Fred!
Red: Boy, you kids really are stuck!
(He manages to get them apart but Lucy loses her balance and her face first
falls into Kitty’s flour. She starts to cry.)
Donna: WAAA! WAAA! WAAA!
(they all laugh. The scene shifts back to the basement.)
Fez: Oh Lucy.
(Eric just stares into space.) Fez: (getting up.) Well, I’m off to romance our
lady.
Eric: Hey Fez, Donna hasn’t been, I mean, you know, like mentioning me or
anything?
Fez: No.
Eric: Well, that’s ok. That’s good, because I haven’t been talking about her
either.
(Fez shuts the door. Eric continues to talk about himself.)
Eric: Of course, I’ve been alone, so I just talk to myself. And that’s not
normal. (He starts to laugh.) I’d have to be pretty crazy to talk to myself
wouldn’t I? Yes, yes I would. (He pauses for a few seconds.) Okay, I gotta get
some pants.
** ** **
(The Forman’s basement. Hyde is behind the couch on a stool waiting for Jackie
and Kelso to fight. They are sitting on the couch watching TV. Eric is on the
chair next to them looking at the pool chart and counting money. Hyde keeps
checking his watch. Eric starts waving the money in his direction.)
Hyde: Damn. (He gets up, starts pacing, and looks at his watch, then goes to sit
down next to Kelso and Jackie.) Oh hey, Kelso, Pam Macy called. She said she had
a really good time making out with you last night.
Jackie: Michael!
Kelso: No! No, we did not!
Hyde: Fight! Fight!
Eric: (hits him.) No fair man!
Hyde: Shut up! My day is almost over! Now hurry up and fight! (He knocks over
Kelso’s drink on to Jackie.)
Jackie: You klutz! Will you watch it!
Hyde: Isn’t Kelso a klutz? I think you should hit him!
Jackie: Steven, why are you trying to make us fight?
Hyde: Because I got today in the pool! So come on Jackie! Hit him!
Jackie: Oh my god, I get it. The pool wasn’t about Steven’s toenails. These
idiots bet on when you and I would fight!
Hyde: Are you going to take that man!? She called your friends idiots. I think
you better kick some ass!
Kelso: No wait! The pool was about us? Damn! I wish I had a piece of that!
Jackie: Michael! You would wager against our love?
Kelso: Well, damn, Jackie! How often in a lifetime do you have a run at a sure
thing?!?
Jackie: Ugh! (She hits him and they sit back down.)
Hyde: GAME OVER!
(Red comes downstairs.)
Red: What’s all the racket about?
Hyde: Well, that’s just the sound of me winning seventy-five bucks!
Eric: Not so fast, cheater! It’s two minutes past midnight, which means it’s the
next day, which means you lose!
Jackie: Serves you right!
Kelso: Yeah!
Jackie: Oh shut up Michael!
Eric: Looks like the winner is “RF”. Who’s “RF”?
Red: (grabs the money out of Hyde’s hands.) I believe this is mine. Thank you
all very much.
** ** **
(The Pinciotti’s kitchen. Bob and Midge are having breakfast. Kitty and Red come
in.)
Kitty: All right, hand over my preserves. They were in our garage and now
they’re not.
Midge: Oh Kitty, that’s terrible. Why don’t you sit down with us and have some
toast and homemade jam?
Kitty: Jam?
Midge: Yes, we found it in our garage!
Red: IT’S OUR GARAGE!
Kitty: AND THAT’S MY JAM! (She takes the piece of toast Midge is about to eat
and wipes the jam back into her container.) Bon Appetit!
Bob: You two just don’t get it do you? That jam was on my property! I’ll show
you the deed. (He pulls the deed out of a drawer.) There’s my house, there’s
your house, and there’s the property line.
Red: (rolling his eyes. He takes the deed out of Bob’s hands and turns it
around.)
Bob: Oops!
Red: Looks like I own part of your property.
Bob: I uh, I will not stand for this trickery! You get out of my house!
Red: No problem. (He moves over to the door and just stands there.)
** ** **
(The movies. Fez and Donna are on their date. She’s coming back after trying to
call Eric.)
Donna: No one answered the phone at Eric’s house. What could he be doing? Where
could he go with no pants?
Fez: Donna, when we are in public you are with me. Eric is dead to you.
(They see Caroline come in.)
Caroline: (making her way across the row.) Excuse me…….sorry….MOVE IT!…..(She
sits right behind Fez and Donna.)
Fez: Oh boy, here comes trouble. Caroline! I was just offering my girlfriend,
Donna, a sip from my straw. We don’t care about germs, since she has had her
tongue in my mouth.
(He offers the drink to her. She rolls her eyes and takes a sip.)
Caroline: (Watching them very closely.) You know what? I think this is all an
act. I think you’re not really dating.
Fez: Well…. well, maybe this will convince you! (He starts necking Donna.) Come
on Donna, put some leg into it!
(She pushes him off.)
Caroline: Oh please, if you were really dating, you would’ve at least gone to
second base by now.
Fez: When you are right, you are right.
(He reaches for Donna’s chest but she smacks him away.)
Donna: All right! Enough! Caroline, Fez doesn’t like you anymore.
Caroline: Fez, is this true?
Fez: (Meekly:) Yes?
Caroline: Then I guess we really are over…(cheerfully:) All right! Enjoy your
movie. (She starts making her way back to the other side of the row and
accidentally kicks a man in the leg. She notices it was Eric. He is dressed in
all black.)
Eric: Ow.
Caroline: Oh, I’m sorry. Oh, it’s you, Eric! Looking good! Call me!
Donna: (noticing Eric.) Eric! What are you doing here?
Eric: Are you kidding me? It’s the Turning Point. I love ballet movies. They
really make you think. Like, how’d their feet get so pointy? That’s a mystery
I’m determined to solve!
(Donna just smiles and shakes her head.)
Eric: What?
Donna: You missed me.
Eric: (smiling.) Well, you missed me.
Donna: I really did.
(Eric jumps over the row and sits down next to Donna. They start to make out.)
Fez: Excuse me. Excuse me, but our date is not over. Now good day sir.
Eric: But Fez-
Fez: I said good day!
Eric: Fez, I’m not going anywhere.
Fez: Fine! (He grabs his coat and leaves.)
Donna: Fez!
Fez: I said good day!
(The two of them snuggle up to watch the rest of the movie. Aww!)
THE END
