EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY/INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - AFTERNOON (DAY 1)
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Red, Kitty, Bob)
[The gang, Minus Kelso, hangs out in the driveaway, watching as Kitty and Bob listen to red yell in the kitchen.]
HYDE : Forman, why’d you tell your dad you got engaged? Look at him, yelling, waving - Oh, a little spit just landed on Bob. And Bob’s so scared he’s not wiping it off.
JACKIE : Red’s face is totally red. Good color for shoes, not your dad.
ERIC : Man, this time he’s really going to kill me. My only hope is he sticks his foot so far up my ass that he can’t pull it out, and I get to take him to hell with me.
DONNA : Why’d you tell him? We had it all planned, we were going to give them wine, get em all loose and juiced. But not you spilled the beans.
FEZ : Good, because wine and beans is not a good combo. Toot Toot, if you know what I mean.
[Kelso runs in winded.]
KELSO : Sorry I’m late, I was cutting through backyards and the Henderson’s have a new jungle gym and, uh, well, they’re not kissing when they tell you the weight limit’s sixty-five pounds. (THEN) Whoa, they’re still yelling.
ERIC : Yeah, I’m trying to red Red’s lips, but all I can make out so far is that he keeps calling me a stupid duck. (REALIZING) Ohhh.
KELSO : Hey, I’ll go spy on them. I just gotta run home real quick and change into my ninja outfit.
ERIC : I don’t think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso. KELSO (mad) That doesn’t mean it’s not fun to wear, Eric.
[Kelso crosses towards the kitchen.]
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS (DAY 1)
(Kelso, Red, Kitty, Bob)
[The parents talk.]
RED : They are just too young to get married. How are they gonna live on their own? Eric jumps a foot every time the furnace kicks on.
KITTY : Exactly, he’s not mature enough to get married. I’m still cutting the crust off his sandwiches. But that’s really more for me, he’s my baby.
[Kelso enters and crosses towards the fridge, gets a soda.]
KELSO : Don’t mind me, feel free to keep on talking, just getting a soda, I’m not spying.
BOB : Hey, I don’t like this engagement either, but it’s not like they can break it off.
RED : Why the hell not?
BOB : Well, it wouldn’t be very romantic for one.
RED : Forget it, I’ll take care of this myself.
KITTY : Red, if you go out there and yell you’re just going to drive him away.
RED : Sorry Kitty, yelling’s the only part of being a father I enjoy.
[Red starts for the driveaway but Kitty stops him.]
KITTY : No, Red, I’m putting my foot down. I forbid it.
BOB : I don’t think that’s going to work, Kitty.
RED (THINKS, THEN) : Alright, fine.
BOB : Wow. Red, I forbid you to -
RED : Shut up, Bob.
KELSO : BURN!
RED: Get out!
[Kelso Exits.]
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS (Day 1)
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez)
[Kelso comes back outside.]
DONNA : Well, what were they saying?
KELSO : I don’t know. I was so busy acting like I wasn’t listening I forgot to listen.
ERIC : I bet he’s trying to come up with a punishment. He’s already taken away the Vista Cruiser and fined me. What’s left, he’s going to cut off my pinkie?
FEZ : Ay ! What’s the point of getting married if Red’s going to cut that off?
HYDE : No, Fez, not the pants pinkie. (INDICATING) The finger pinkie.
FEZ : Oh. That still sucks. CUT TO: Opening credits FADE OUT.
INT. DMV - AFTERNOON (Day 1)
(Fez, Nina, Atmo.)
MUSIC CUE: “JUST WHAT I NEEDED” BY THE CARS
[Fez reaches for the stapler at the same time as Nina. They touch hands.]
FEZ : You have such beautiful fingers, Nina. So long and elegant, like spider legs. THEY ARE ABOUT TO KISS, BUT NINA PULLS BACK. NINA We can’t do this here.
FEZ: We could go to the backseat of the student driver car. But I warn you, I have a hard time keeping my hands at ten and two. NINA
FEZ :, this tension between is causing problems. And here at the DMV, I’ve learned it’s easier to solve problems when they’re posed in multiple-choice format. So, “A”, we can further explore out relationship and hope that relieves the tension, or “B”, I can fire you.
FEZ : Is this some kind of trick? NINA It’s not a trick.
FEZ : So it is a trick. I choose “B”. NINA No, you choose “A”. (NINA LEANS OVER AND KISSES FEZ.)
FEZ : Okay I’ll take “A” but I think you should throw a little “T” in there too. (THEY KISS AGAIN)
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY/INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - EVENING (Day 1)
(Eric, Hyde, Red, Kitty)
[Eric shoots hoops. Kitty enters from the kitchen.]
KITTY : Dinner’s ready Eric.
ERIC : You know what ? Dad’s in there, so I’ll just, you know, forage for berries.
KITTY : Look, I’m not happy about this situation either, but I’m in there making the best of it, not out here diddling a basketball.
ERIC : Mom, if I was out here diddling a basketball, this would be a very different conversation.
KITTY : Just get in there.
[Eric hurries into the kitchen, followed by Kitty.]
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - EVENING (Day 1)
(Eric, Hyde, Red, Kitty)
[Hyde and Red sit at the table. Eric and Kitty join them.]
KITTY : Look who I found. Our son. Who we love very much.
ERIC : Hi, Dad
RED: Pass the peas Steven
[Hyde passes the peas.]
KITTY : Red, your son spoke to you
RED : I heard him, but you told me not to yell at him, and I agree. I’m just taking your idea and refining it.
ERIC : So you’re giving me the silent treatment?
RED : So, Steven, how was school?
HYDE : Well, in health class we learned that an early engagement is often a sign of heavy drug use.
ERIC : Hyde!
HYDE : What, I’m changing the subject.
KITTY : Red you’re being a big baby.
ERIC : It’s okay, Mom, this is a pleasant surprise. Let’s see how serious he is about it, though. Hey, Dad, you know who’s got the right idea ? Russia.
[Red just glares at him. Kitty looks nervous. Even Hyde looks startled. They all look around the table a beat. ]
HYDE : I haven’t felt this kind of tension in years. Reminds me of him, except there aren’t three guys I don’t know shooting dice by the radiator. (He joked by saying “Except everyone weren’t wearing shirts)
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - EVENING (DAY 1)
(Kelso, Hyde, Jackie)
MUSIC CUE: “HONKY CAT” BY ELTON JOHN
[Hyde and Jackie hanf out in the basement. Kelso enters, holding a gift wrapped box.]
KELSO (sings) : Happy Birthday !
JACKIE : Aw, for me?
HYDE : Jackie, it’s your birthday?
KELSO : Oh, I figured you knew. Well, a good boyfriend would’ve. But whatever.
HYDE : You should’ve told me, I would’ve got you something.
JACKIE : I didn’t want to make a big deal about it because I’m trying no to care so much about gifts and material things…
[Jackie opens the box and takes out a pink angora sweater.]
JACKIE : … but it’s not working because this is beautiful! I’m going to try it on. Thank you.
[Jackie hugs Kelso and exits.]
HYDE : Kelso, what are you doing? Are you trying to make me look bad?
KELSO : I’m not doing anything.
HYDE : Well, whatever you’re doing, you shouldn’t go up against me because you’re not going to win
KELSO : I’m not doing anything! And I AM going to win.
HYDE : No, you’re gonna lose
KELSO : How could I lose if I’m not doing anything ?
HYDE : How could you WIN if you’re not doing anything ?
KELSO : Oh, if I win I’ll admit I’m doing something.
EXT. NINA’S FRONT PORCH - EVENING (DAY 1)
(Fez, Nina)
[Fez walks Nina to her door.]
FEZ : Nina, I think people at work are starting to notice there is something between us. NINA It didn’t help when you stood up in the staff meeting and said, “I want to do it with Nina”
FEZ : Well, they asked if there was any unfinished business. NINA I think I figured out a way to get rid of all this tension. You need to spend the night with me.
FEZ : I’m all yours, boss lady! But you should tell me where to stop now, because I’ve been burned in the past. NINA I don’t want you to stop anywhere
FEZ : Oh (THEN, SUPER EXCITED) OHHHH!!!
[Nina Kisses Fez and then exits into ger place. Fez is so excited he dors a little dance.]
FEZ (SINGING) : I’M GOING TO DO IT/I’M GOING TO DO IT-
[Nina sticks her head out.]
NINA : Fez!
FEZ : Sorry, I wrote that song three years ago, and I finally get to use it !
[They exit into nina's place.]
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - AFTERNOON (Day 2)
[Donna, Jackie and Kelso - Hang in the Basement.]
KELSO : You know, that sweater wasn’t on sale or anything. I paid full price for it. Pretty sweet, huh?
JACKIE : Yes, but it gets less sweet the more you TALK about it
KELSO : Sorry, I’m done. Twenty-seven dollars. I’m done. (QUICKLY) Paid extra for the gift wrap.
[Eric enters, wearing his pricemart smock.]
DONNA : Hey, how was work with Red?
ERIC : Terrible. I thought him not talking to me would be cool, but today instead of telling me to sweep the back room, he just threw a broom at me. When my back was turned.
DONNA : What if I talk to Red? I mean, we’re always gotten along. Maybe I can get through to him.
ERIC : Donna, you don’t have to fight my battles for me. I’m not gonna ask the woman I love to do what I should do, but Red’ll be home at five-thirty so try to catch him before dinner.
[Hyde enters with a Beaming Fez.]
HYDE : Attention everyone. Out friend Fez has some wonderful news.
FEZ : Knock knock.
KELSO : Who’s there?
FEZ : I DID IT !!! (EVERYONE REACTS EXCEPT KELSO.)
ERIC / DONNA / JACKIE : All right! / Way to go! / Oh my God!
KELSO : Wait, I want to hear this. I did it who?
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - AFTERNOON (Day 2)
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez)
MUSIC CUE: LET’S DO IT AGAIN BY THE STAPLE SINGERS
[The gang congratulates Fez.]
JACKIE : Fez I can’t believe you finally lost your virginity.
ERIC : Wait, this isn’t like the time you got a hamster, named it Virginity and then lost it, is it ?
FEZ : No, this is the real thing.
KELSO : I had a hamster once. Tied him to a helium balloon with a note. He made it all the way to Minnesota.
ERIC : Alive ?
KELSO : No, I’m gonna send a dead hamster up in a balloon.
HYDE (TO FEZ) : Well, little buddy, I always knew you could do it. I just figured you’d be forty and it would be out of pity.
ERIC : So, tell us about it.
FEZ : It was incredible. Nina and I started kissing in the living room, and then we moved into the bedroom, where we undressed. And then, well… (LESS EXCITED) We did it.
KELSO : Details, FEZ, We need details.
FEZ : Well, our faces didn’t line up right, so I kept bumping my chin on her nose. And there were sounds.
HYDE : What kind of sounds?
FEZ : I will say this, it was not applause. And there was no romantic music, like in the movies, so I had to hum. And then Nina told me to stop humming, but then I started again without realizing it, and then she got mad, and then I think she got sad.
JACKIE : Don’t worry Fez. She probably just felt bad because she was doing it with a foreigner.
FEZ : And afterwards, I went in the bathroom and cried a little, and then I snuck out the back door.
[Donna comforts Fez.]
DONNA : Poor Fez. At least it couldn’t have been any worse.
FEZ : I left my underwear in her bathroom.
DONNA : Poor Fez.
[Donna hugs Fez.]
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON (Day 2)
(Donna, Red, Kitty)
[Red and Kitty sit with Donna.]
DONNA : Mister Forman, you remember how it felt when you fell in love with Mrs. Forman, don’t you?
RED : Nope. One day I just woke up and my life was over. Next question.
KITTY : I think what Mister Forman is TRYING to say is we worry you’re too young to get married. Do you even know how to bake a casserole? I don’t think you do.
DONNA : Look, I believe there’s one person out there for everyone. You guys are that person for each other and Eric is that person for me. If you could just open your hearts, you’d see that we should be together forever, because we’re in love and we can make each other happy.
KITTY : Oh, Donna, that is so romantic. I still think you’re too young, but if it had to be someone, I’m glad it’s you. I always wanted a daughter.
RED : You already have a daughter.
KITTY : A better daughter.
RED (TO DONNA) : You know what ? You’re right. You and Eric are perfect for each other.
DONNA : Really ?
RED : Yes. Because you’re as big a dumbass as he is.
[Red exits.]
KITTY (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY, THEN) : Welcome to the family.
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - AFTERNOON (DAY 2)
(Eric, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez)
[The guys hang out.]
FEZ : I’m so nervous about working with Nina today. It’s like now that we did it, I never want to see her face again.
HYDE : Yep, you did it alright.
[Jackie enters, wearing the pink sweater.]
KELSO : Hey, look who’s wearing a twenty-seven dollar sweater!
HYDE : Jackie, you can’t keep that sweater.
JACKIE : Why not?
HYDE : Because it’s from Kelso!
JACKIE : But it’s so pink and fuzzy it makes up for that.
ERIC : Kelso, she’s somebody else’s girlfriend, what are you doing?
KELSO : I’m not doing anything. And it’s working.
HYDE (TO JACKIE) : Take it off.
KELSO : No, leave it on.
FEZ : Take it off, let’s see some skin.
ERIC : Yeah, take it off.
KELSO : Why is everyone against me?
FEZ : Because you’re telling a girl to keep her top on.
KELSO : That’s true. Take it off.
INT. DMV - AFTERNOON (DAY 2)
(Fez, Nina, Atmo.)
[Fez and Nina bump into each other at the pencil sharpener it is awkwerd and uncomfortable.]
NINA / FEZ : Hello / Hi. (THEN, RE: PENCIL SHARPENER) Go Ahead / After you
[They both reached for the sharpener at the same time.]
FEZ : Here, let me. NINA I know how it goes.
FEZ : I’m just trying to help NINA Well, not it’s stick
FEZ : You just have to give it a yan.
[They both struggle with the pencil.]
NINA : This is just like last night !
[Nina runs off]
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - AFTERNOON (DAY 2)
(Eric, Donna, Kitty, Bob)
[Kitty and Eric are there as Bob and Donna enters.]
BOB : Okay, where’s Red? I just found out he called my daughter a dumbass.
ERIC : What?
DONNA : I really thought I was getting through to him, but then he snuck a “dumbass” in. That is a hurtful word.
BOB : You’ve got to do something about your husband, Kitty. You guys’d be lucky to get Donna. If anything, she’s gonna pretty your family up.
KITTY : Excuse me?
BOB : I’m just saying, we’re a voluptuous bunch.
ERIC : Mom, you need to talk to Dad.
KITTY : I don’t know why you’re surprised he’s upset. Why did you have to get engaged now? And why did you have to tell your father? He’s not stable, Eric.
ERIC : Fine, I’ll talk to him myself.
[Eric grabs his smock.]
DONNA : Be careful. I looked deep into Red’s eyes, and I saw… well, I just saw me upside down and tiny, but he looked mad.
ERIC : I don’t care, I’m going down to Pricemart. Donna, if I don’t come back, please move on with your life and find someone else who, of course, will never love you the way I did.
[Eric exits.]
BOB (To Kitty) : Okay, so what do you guys got to offer in a way of a dowry?
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - AFTERNOON (DAY 2)
(Kelso, Hyde, Jackie and FEZ)
[Hyde, Jackie and Kelso hang out as Fez enters.]
FEZ : Working with someone you have had sex with is the worst thing ever. I don’t know how Donny and Marie do it. Sex ruins everything.
KELSO : I disagree, Fez. Sure, the first time can be awkward - well, it wasn’t for me and Jackie. Hey, maybe I should tell the story. (TAUNTING) Great story, Hyde.
HYDE : You know what, Kelso, this is getting real old. And the story I remember from your first time is that you didn’t call her for a week after.
KELSO : I was going to skip that part.
JACKIE : That’s right, you didn’t call me.
HYDE : Because he was thinking about breaking up with you.
JACKIE : What?
KELSO : I already told you, I didn’t call because we were having our phones cleaned.
HYDE : And then to get back on your good side he bought you that stupid stuffed unicorn.
JACKIE : Fluffy-Cakes? Fluffy-Cakes is tainted?!?!
HYDE : Yeah, he wanted something from you, so he bought you a present. Sound familiar?
JACKIE : Michael, why did you buy me this sweater? (She accidentally said Steven)
KELSO : Alright, time to come clean here. I stole the sweater.
JACKIE (TO KELSO) : Well, you know what, I don’t want it. So here, just take it.
[Jackie takes off the sweater and throws it at Kelso. She's wearing a camisole underneath. Fez applauds.]
FEZ : Now we’re talking! Okay, give us a dance !
[Jackie grabs her coat and exits.]
HYDE : I told you it wouldn’t work.
KELSO : I wasn’t doing anything! And you won.
FEZ : Let’s not fight. We all saw a little Jackie side-boob, I think we all won.
EXT. NINA’S FRONT PORCH - EARLY EVENING (DAY 2)
(FEZ, NINA)
MUSIC CUE: “FEELINGS” BY MORRIS ALBERT
[Fez buzzes, Nina opens the door.]
Nina : Hi, Fez. Okay, look...
FEZ : Nina, I know what you are going to say. The other night was awful and you want to be friends. NINA No, I was gonna say the other night was awful and we should practice and get better at it.
FEZ : I have to say, I don’t have the sound of that. (THEN) So, uh… should I make an appointment or…? NINA Just get in the house
FEZ : Okay, on second
[He turns his back to the doorway.]
FEZ (TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD, DANCING) : I’M GOING TO DO IT AGAIN / I’M GOING TO DO IT -
[She yanks him inside, as we]
INT. RED’S PRICEMART OFFICE - EARLY EVENING (DAY 2)
(Eric, Red)
[Red is working as Eric enters wearing his smock.]
ERIC : Okay, Dad, you can ignore me and you cal call my girlfriend names, but here’s the thing: Donna and I are getting married whether you like it or not.
RED : But you’re too young and you’re throwing your life away.
ERIC : You said I was throwing my life away when I quit T-Ball.
RED : And I was right about that, too. You’re not marrying her and that’s final.
ERIC : Well, you can’t stop me. ‘Cause I’m graduating soon, and I’ll be on my own and I have a job and I mean I make enough money to pay for the wedding myself.
RED : Well, that’s great, but you don’t have a job. You’re fired.
ERIC : What?!
RED : I said you’re fired. Let’s see you pay for a wedding now. Punch out and empty your locker.
ERIC : Fine ! But I’m keeping the smock.
RED : Give me the smock
[Eric takes off the smock and gives it to Red.]
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - AFTERNOON (DAY 3)
(Hyde, Jackie)
[Jackie sits on the couch as Hyde enters from his room and gives her a wrapped box.]
HYDE : Jackie, Happy Birthday.
JACKIE : Oh Steven, you shouldn’t have.
[She opens the box to find a T-shirt.]
JACKIE : It’s a Led Zepplin T-shirt and it’s used.
HYDE : It’s my favorite one. Look, you’re with me now so I want you to have it.
JACKIE : Oh Steven ! I love it ! Do I have to wear it ?
HYDE : No
JACKIE : I love it!
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - EVENING (DAY 3)
(Eric, Donna, Red, Kitty, Bob)
[Eric, Red and Kitty sit, grimly eating.]
KITTY : Well, this has been a nice twenty minutes of silence. Who wants a little kick in their coffee? I know I do.
[Donna enters, crosses and stands in front of Red.]
DONNA (TO RED) : You’re the dumbass!
[A beat. They all stare at ger. Donna runs away. As she exits, we see Bob hovering just outside the sliding doo.]
BOB : Did you say it?
DONNA : Run!
[They're gone.]
End Episode.
