Holiday Hotel Bar
[Eric, Fez, Hyde, Kelso]
Eric: Ah the annual nurse’s convention. You know, according to my bathroom reading, all nurses are actually horny for high school boys.
Hyde: Why do you think those hospital gowns have no backs ? So the nurses can check out your ass.
Kelso: Look at this sexy stampede. It’s like Wild Kingdom.
Fez: I will stalk their sexy herd like a lion. I cannot run as fast, but let’s see a lion put on this much cologne.
[Red and Kitty enter]
Kitty: Oh look Red. All of my colleagues gathered together to talk about health and medicine.
Red: And to drink until their livers turn into cocktail onions.
Kitty: Red, it is not that bad.
Red: Yeah ? What about last year when you and your buddies took the bellboy’s pants?
Kitty: Well they were all wet.
Red: Because you threw him in the pool.
[Roy enters]
Fez: Oh hey Roy.
Roy: Hey guys. Oh, stay away from this batch of egg rolls. They were on the floor.
Eric: Oh, you dropped ‘em ?
Roy: No, I was lyin’ down.
Fez: You know, if I were God, this is what heaven would be like; Pretty girls in white and free egg rolls.
Eric: Fez, I thought you said heaven would be French maids with licorice hair and gum drop nipples.
Fez: Oh no, that’s my thirtieth birthday.
[Hot Nurse walks up to Hyde with Roy nearby]
Hot Nurse: Hi there. So do you work here?
Hyde: Yeah, I’m stuck here all night.
Hot Nurse: That’s good, ‘cause I’ll probably be doin’ some things I’ll regret later. If you’re interested.
Hyde: Thanks for the offer, but … I have a girlfriend.
Hot Nurse: What a coincidence. I have a room.
[Hyde walks away as Roy butts in]
Roy: You know, I don’t have a girlfriend, but I have written several love letters to Barbara Walters so uhh …
[Hot Nurse walks away, Kelso and Fez walk up]
Kelso: Roy, you’re goin’ after the wrong ones man. You gotta think like a lion and pick off the weakest member of the herd. Well, like that one with the braces and the desperate eyes.
Fez: Oh, she’s not makin’ it past sundown. Rowr !
[Fez head off in pursuit]
The Forman Basement
[Fez napping as Eric and Kelso enter]
Eric: Aww, look at him. All tuckered out from a day of chasin’ nurses.
Kelso: Yeah, it’s like a gigantic horny baby.
Eric: I bet he’s havin’ sweet dreams.
[Fez dreams he’s in a hospital]
Hot Nurse: Welcome to the clinic for sexy foreigners. Tell me where it hurts baby.
Fez: Oh, I have a bad case of horniness for nurses.
Hot Nurse: What you need is a sexy sponge bath.
Fez: I like the way you … operate.
Hot Nurse: How’s that?
Fez: It’s not bad.
Hot Nurse: But I sure am.
Fez: Yes you are, naughty nurse. Maybe you need a little spanking.
[Kelso replaces nurse in Fez’s dream]
Kelso: Maybe I do. Now why don’t you turn your head and cough ?
Fez: Ahhhh!
Kelso: Oh, what’s the problem buddy ?
Fez: Ahhhh !
[Fez wakes up]
Kelso: What’s the problem buddy ?
Fez: Ahhhh !
[Fez runs out]
The Pinciotti Living Room
[Bob, Joanne, Eric and Donna]
Bob: So anyways Eric, me and Joanne feel real bad since Red fired you, so we decided to get you a job; On account we’re pretty sure you’re not gonna be successful on your own.
Donna: Isn’t that great? See, now you can save up for school and we can get married.
Eric: Wow, I … had heard crazy rumors that sometimes parents helped children but, I just always thought it was just some beautiful fairy tale.
Joanne: A position opened up at my company and it’s yours if you want it.
Eric: Oh my God! I’ll take it! This is great!
Bob: Yup, she’s as generous in real life as she is in the sack.
Donna: Gaaa!
Eric: Wow that’s … wildly inappropriate. So … Joanne, about my new job, I don’t even know where you work.
Joanne: The dog food factory.
Eric: The … the dog food factory! I didn’t see that comin’.
The Forman Basement
[Hyde as Jackie comes in and kisses him]
Jackie: Hey !
Hyde: Hey.
Jackie: How was your day ?
Hyde: Oh, it was brutal. How can nurses wolf down mini-pizzas right after watching a film strip on butt rashes ?
Jackie: Yeah, no I know. Michael and I were hanging out at The Hub and he told me it’s been tough.
Hyde: What ? No no no. You don’t need to be hangin’ out with Kelso alone.
Jackie: Why not ?
Hyde: Because I don’t trust him.
Jackie: Yeah, but don’t you trust me ?
Hyde: No ! Haven’t you been paying attention? I don’t trust anything. I don’t trust the government. I don’t trust the newspapers. I not even sure that what time we think it is right now is really what time it is. But most of all, I don’t trust you and Kelso alone together.
Jackie: Alright. You know I guess I deserve that. So I promise I won’t be alone with Michael anymore. However, I do think you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
Hyde: That’s what you said after you yelled get off my boyfriend when you saw Kelso kissing Annette.
Jackie: Okay, whattoo I have to do to get you to stop bringin’ that up ?
[Hyde raises eyebrows suggestively]
Jackie: I’m not doing that.
Hyde: I’m gonna keep bringing it up.
The Forman Driveway
[Fez, Eric and Donna as Kelso arrives and slaps Fez on the butt]
Kelso: Alright. Let’s play some ball.
Fez: Why would you slap me on the butt ? Is there something about me that would make you think that I, a boy, would like you, another boy, to put his hand on my butt ?
Kelso: Ahh … no ?
Fez: Then keep your hands to yourself butt slapper.
Eric: Okay, let’s … just play some ball.
Donna: Yeah.
Kelso: Alright, ah, me and Fez are shirts. You and Donna be skins ?
Donna: Once again Kelso, you’re not gonna fool me into bein’ skins.
Kelso: Loosen up Big D. Fine, we’ll be skins !
[Kelso removes his shirt and Fez stares at him uncomfortably]
Fez: Oh, look at Mr. Handsome taking his shirt off. As if that were something I would dream about.
Kelso: Okay, what is your problem man ?
Fez: It’s just … Okay … Umm … Has anyone ever had a dream where you were with a girl ?
Eric: Oh hell yeah, Miss October.
Donna: Hey !
Eric: And you know what I said to her ? I said … get the hell out of my dream Miss October; I’m Donna’s man.
Fez: Now, has any of you ever had a dream where you were with the opposite of a girl ?
Kelso: Right, two girls ? Sure.
Fez: Well see, I had a dream. And it was erotic. And … it was about Kelso.
[Kelso covers himself and moves away from Fez]
Donna: What !
Eric: Wow! Wow !
Donna: That is awesome! Fez, you gotta tell us about this dream.
Kelso: Wha ? No you don’t gotta ! Look at him ! He’s undressin’ me with his eyes right now !
Fez: You undressed yourself you son of a bitch !
Eric: Fez, tell us what happened. And, and don’t be afraid to use colorful words like sweaty … or fondle or forbidden. Go on.
Fez: Well … Kelso was a nurse. And there was … sponging.
Kelso: Ohhh !
Fez: Hey, maybe, maybe the dream continued and we went to find some girls ?
Kelso: Well did it continue ?
Fez: No ! What could this mean ?
Kelso: Well isn’t it obvious ? It means that I’m gay !
The Forman Kitchen
[Kitty and Schotzie as Red walks up]
Red: Why is the dog on the counter ?
Kitty: He likes to be tall.
[Eric comes in from the living room]
Kitty: Where you off to honey ?
Eric: Oh I’m off to a little thing I like to call my new job. That’s right, despite both your best efforts to keep me and Donna from getting married, I can now afford to because I got a new job … at the dog food factory.
Red: Dog food ?! Well you finally made it son.
Eric: Hey, I’ll have you know, I am the coupon liaison.
Red: Do you even know what you’re getting yourself into? When I pass that factory on my way home from fishing, I hold the dead fish up to my face so I don’t have to smell it.
Kitty: Seriously, honey, dog food ?
[Kitty covers Shotzie’s ears]
Kitty: That is the worst part of the cow.
Red: You won’t last the day.
Eric: I will last the day. And you know what ? Donna and I are getting married. And I’m sorry, but just because of your attitude, no one here will be getting the employee family discount on Pupper Supper. Thank you very much.
[Eric exits]
The Pinciotti Living Room
[Jackie as Kelso rushes in]
Kelso: Jacki ! I need to talk to you !
Jackie: No. No, no, you have to go. I cannot hang out with you any more. I promised.
Kelso: No. Jackie, I need to talk to you. Somethin’ happened that could tear apart the group.
Jackie: I don’t care. Okay, you have to go right now.
Kelso: Jackie, Fez had a sex dream about me.
Jackie: You poor baby.
[They sit together on the couch]
Kelso: What if he’s in love with me ? I don’t know that I can return those feelings.
Jackie: No, of course you can’t.
Kelso: Sure he’s super cool. And, he’s good looking. And we have a ton in common. But I can’t …
Jackie: I know. I know baby, I know.
Kelso: I just wonder what I did to make this happen. I mean, should I have tried to be less desirable ?
Jackie: Michael, the beautiful cannot be held responsible for the havoc our looks create.
Kelso: That’s true.
[Jackie lets Kelso put his head on her shoulder to comfort him]
Kelso: No one understands me like you do Jackie.
[Hyde stands in doorway and sees Jackie with Kelso without them knowing, then leaves]
Holiday Hotel Kitchen
[Hyde with Roy]
Hyde: I told Jackie I don’t want her hangin’ out with Kelso! I walk in, they’re playin’ couch Twister! And I don’t know if somethin’ just happened or somethin’ was about to happen, but you know what? I don’t care anymore!
Roy: Have you talked to her ?
Hyde: No ! C’mon man, I’m done talkin’ ! I’m just glad I saw them. Now I can be the bigger person and bail before she does.
Roy: Yeah, that’s what I shoulda done with Lauren. And Susan. And Janice. Ahh, who am I kiddin’ ? I’m just makin’ these names up.
[Kelso enters]
Kelso: Hey Roy. I just need to grab my check.
Hyde: Hey Kelso ! What the hell were you doin’ with my girlfriend on Donna’s couch ?
Kelso: Oh that wasn’t me.
Hyde: I saw you !
Kelso: Oh. Ah ... Ah … Well … Okay, it wasn’t what you think. Umm … it was totally different. See … Fez had this … sex dream about me. And … I was like a nurse in it … And I was totally freakin’ out and Jackie was just comforting me. I mean ‘cause, you know, Fez had a sex dream about me !
Hyde: So your story is that you were with Jackie because Fez had a boy on boy dream about you ?
Kelso: It’s crazy, huh ?
Hyde: Kelso, that is the worst lie you’ve told since you claimed to be the Prince of South Carolina.
Kelso: No, I’m not lyin’ about Fez’s dream! Wha … I was sponging him ! It’s the truth !
Roy: Hey, I believe people have dreams about you man. I mean, put a blonde wig on you, you’re Goldie Hawn.
[Kelso is confused]
Kelso: I know that.
The Forman Kitchen
[Fez as Red enters]
Fez: Oh, Mr. Red. I need some advice. I had an erotic dream about Kelso.
[Red walks out without a word]
The Dog Food Factory
[Joanne, Donna and Eric]
Eric: Well Joanne. Thank you for the factory tour. So where is the coupon liaison office ?
Joanne: You’re standing in it.
Donna: Well it’s … big. And … look, you have a window. Maybe someday you can climb up there and look out.
Eric: Joanne, what exactly is the coupon liaison
[Scene of Eric mindlessly dropping coupons into bags of dog food]
Holiday Hotel Bar
[Kitty with her nurse colleagues as Fez and Kelso come up]
Kitty: Oh ! Oh look girls, there’s the boys ! Hands off though, they’re minors.
Fez: Mrs. Kitty … we need your medical expertise.
Kitty: Honey if you’ve got VD, I’m not looking at it.
Kelso: No. Fez had a dream, and … I was doin’ stuff to him in it. And I don’t wanna do it again! I’m scared to let him go to sleep !
Fez: See, Kelso was a nurse … And I had no shirt … And he had a sponge … A soft one.
Kitty: Okay, boys … Dreams are, are just compilations of what you experience during the day. What’d you do yesterday ?
Fez: Kelso and I looked at nurses. Umm, oh, and I ate thirty-nine spicy egg rolls that were on the floor.
Kitty: Well, spicy foods; there you go. You know one time, I ate stuffed peppers before I went to bed and I dreamt that I ended a war by giving the prime minister a belly dance.
Fez: So my dream didn’t mean anything !
Kelso: Oh thank God! I mean I love you Fez, just not in that way.
Fez: And my appreciation for you beauty is purely aesthetic.
Kelso: You know what Fez? Maybe right now is not a great time for you to be complimentin’ my ass.
The Forman Living Room
[Red and Shotzie as Eric and Donna enter]
Red: Well, if it isn’t the conquering hero home from a big day of dog food.
Eric: Hey. I had a great day, okay. And by the way, I’m nowhere near the actual food. I’m off with like … the executives.
Red: Really ? Well, Shotzie sure does love the smell of executives.
Donna: Okay look. Okay, maybe Eric is working with dog food. But he’s not complaining. And he’s not quitting, and we’re gonna get married no matter what your think; or how he smells.
Eric: Oh, thanks honey.
Donna: Don’t touch me.
Red: Look at you. You got that great dog food job now. And plenty of dog food money comin’ in. I mean … you two are happy, right ?
Donna: Very happy.
Eric: Yes.
Red: Of course you are. And that’s why I’ve changed my mind. This promising new career in dog food has convinced me … that you two are mature enough to get married.
Eric: Wha … Are, are you serious ?
Red: Absolutely ! Hey ! Let’s get you happy kids hitched as soon as possible! Like next week !
Donna: Next week ? Wow that’s, that’s really soon.
Eric: Yeah, well sooner than we thought. We were thinkin’ like … someday.
Donna: Yeah, yeah someday. That’s good.
Eric: Yeah.
Red: Well, what’s the matter ? I mean, uh, getting’ engaged is a silly fun thing to do, but now that we’re talkin’ about an actual wedding you’re turnin’ into a couple of dumbass kids who aren’t ready ? ‘Cause I mean if you’re not ready, I mean heck I got myself all excited for nothin’.
Eric: No, no. We’re ready! We are more than ready !
Donna: We’re ready ?
Eric: Yeah, I mean … well, I am if you are.
Donna: Huh, yeah, sure, completely ready.
Red: Well that’s great. You know it’s all settled. I’ll just, I’ll go call the cake shop right now.
[Red exits]
Eric: So … it’s a … a wedding.
Donna: Next week.
Eric: Huh. Oh, I have some homework …
Donna: Yeah, I gotta clean my room …
[Eric and Donna exit in opposite directions]
Holiday Hotel Kitchen
[Roy as Jackie comes in]
Jackie: Hey Roy, where’s Steven ? You know I haven’t seen him all day.
Roy: You got a lot a nerve showin’ your face around here. Hyde saw you and Kelso snuggled up on the couch. Tramp.
Jackie: Wait, what ?
Roy: Yeah, I said tramp.
Jackie: My God. I have to find Steven.
[Jackie runs out]
Roy: Don’t tell him I called you a tramp.
Holiday Hotel Bar
[Kitty and Steven]
Hyde: I bet Jackie’s been foolin’ around with Kelso this whole time. I feel like an idiot.
Kitty: Oh my poor little broody brood! You know, when I first met you, you were such a cute little guy. And now you’re, you’re a great big guy, with great big hair and, and great big problems, my little broody brood.
[Hyde gets up to leave]
Kitty: Oh wait, wait, wait.
[Kitty puts a little paper umbrella in Hyde’s hair]
Kitty: There. Hahahaha. You may leave me now.
[Hyde walks away and runs into the Hot Nurse]
Hot Nurse: Hey there. Still have that girlfriend ?
Hyde: You know what ? I don’t know.
Hot Nurse: Hmm. Let’s go talk about it.
[The Hot Nurse leads Hyde out as Jackie rushes up to Kitty at the bar]
Jackie: Oh hey, Mrs. Forman, have you seen Steven ?
Kitty: Oh honey, I’ve had a couple of sips of wine and I don’t remember. Oh, but you know what you need ? You need more umbrellas in your hair. Oh bartender, we’re gonna need more umbrellas !
A Hospital Room
[Kelso and Hot Nurse]
Hot Nurse: Welcome to the clinic for sexy Kelsos. What can I do for you ?
Kelso: Well, I’m here for my super sexy sponge bath. But I have money, so if you do other stuff too …
[Kelso replaces the Hot Nurse]
Kelso: Oh I’ll do anything you want. You’re one good lookin’ stud.
Kelso: Right back at ya handsome.
[Kelso starts sponging Kelso]
[Kelso is actually asleep on the couch in Eric Forman’s basement]
End Episode.
