POINT PLACE HIGH SCHOOL
Donna: Will this day ever end?
Eric: Yesterday did, but today is Friday, so no. Oh god, it's Destroy and Give back!
Donna: Yeah, why do they call them that?
Eric: Oh, you're about to find out.
Destroy: Hey Foreplay, ohh…
He breaks Eric 's pencil.
Give back: I believe this is yours.
He hands it back broken.
Give back: You broke his pencil, that was good!
Destroy: And you gave it back!
Teacher comes in.
Teacher: Pipe down, I said pipe down! Now, I've got an announcement before Study Hall. Whoever burned their initials in the football field. I hope you're happy with yourself, punk!
Donna passes Eric a note: Let's ditch study hall!
Eric passes the note back : No way!
Teacher: There'll be no football practice today until we reseed. And I've watched that team, I'm not impressed boy let me tell you. They need all the practice they can get!
Donna passes it back: You're a wimp!
Eric passes it back: What?
Donna passes it back: You heard me!
Teacher: On a happier note…
Eric starts scribbling the word: Bitch.
Teacher: Eric, Donna, do u need something to do?
Eric: Actually, we need to be excused. Donna and I are taking pictures for the Yearbook.
Donna: Yeah.
Teacher: If you say so Eric. You wouldn't lie.
Eric: Well, I might.
The entire classroom starts laughing. Eric and Donna get out.
VISTA CRUISER
Donna: This is great. Eric Forman skips class!
Eric: Yeah, well, danger is my middle name.
Hyde and Kelso emerge from the backseat.
Hyde: Why are we moving?
Eric: What are you guys doing in here?
Hyde: What are you guys doing in here?
Eric: I cut class.
Hyde: Yeah, right, so was there like a fire drill or something?
Eric: No, look, I do bad things…
The other three laugh.
Eric: I've ditched class before!
Kelso: Oh, is Oppie getting angry?
Eric: What did I tell you about calling me Oppie?
Donna: Oppie look out for that keg in the middle of the road!
The car skids but finally stops.
Donna: Wow!
Eric: It is a keg.
Kelso: Of beer!
Hyde: It must be a sign.
Kelso: Of beer!
Eric: Oh, that's it, I'm cutting class everyday!
OPENING CREDITS
THE BASEMENT
Kelso and Hyde are carrying it in.
Fez: How did you find it?
Hyde: We were driving down the road man and there she was!
Fez: Oh, it was a beer in the headlights! That is my first American joke.
Eric: Wow, how often do you find a mysterious keg of free beer!
Kelso: Only once in a while.
Hyde: You're right Forman man, you are absolutely right! When God gives you a keg, you gotta…
Fez: Kill a virgin!
Eric: No! Throw a party!
Donna: Go for it Eric!
Eric: Yeah, we'll throw a party. Charge two bucks a head.
Kelso: Two bucks a head, a keg is seven cases, that's a hundred and sixty eight beers. If we each take three beers a piece…
Hyde: No way, sophomore's gonna drink one, maybe.
Kelso: Two.
Hyde: Yeah, and the freshman's gonna take a half.
Kelso: So that averages out to one point five beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people and that's 224 bucks…
Hyde: Cash.
Kelso and Hyde: Which is decent!
Eric: Okay, grab some ice out of the deep freeze, I'll grab the tub.
Fez: Oh, that is one sweet momma!
Kitty comes down the stairs.
Kitty: Hey gang! Oh, don't mind me, just came down to do an emergency presoak on my nurse's uniform. You remember Mr. Wilber, the fireman? Well, he came in today with this sebaceous cyst, which is a pocket of fluid that's kinda like a pussy bath oil bean under the skin, and you think it's solid, but if you take an instrument and pierce the core, and then you, you, you apply pressure on it with your thumb.
Eric comes back and she sees him.
Kitty: Well, hi Snickelfritz, what are you doing with the tub?
Eric: Oh, the tub…, we were just working on a class project.
Hyde: We're making a volcano. Snickelfritz.
Kitty: Out of ice? Well, I think it might melt!
Eric: Well, you heard her, let's move it gang!
Kitty: Okay, well, have fun!
Kitty goes back up the stairs.
Eric: Guys, we gotta get the keg out of here.
Donna: Well, where are we having the party?
Kelso: Beats me. If you guys need me, I'll be with Jackie over to our secret make-out place.
Donna: Secret make-out place.
Kelso: It's this vacant house over on Sherman, I means this place is great! It's totally private! You can get away with about anything there. So if you guys find a place for that keg, let me know.
He goes out. Donna looks at her watch, wait a couple of seconds and then signals. As if on cue, Kelso comes back.
Kelso: I got an idea!
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
BOB: That's a Silvanya, isn't it RED? You didn't buy that at my store, did you?
Red: No Bob, I got a good deal on it.
BOB: You got me. You, you got me Red.
Red: Well, I am just so excited. 'Rich Man, Poor Man'. I missed the first episode.
Midge: Here's the irony of the show, Kitty. The rich safe guy is boring! It's the poor rugged one, played by the talented Nick Nolte, who's so exciting!
Kitty: Well super! Now who would like a drink?
Bob: Ohh! Let's do daiquiris !
Kitty: Oh! Uh! I don't know if we have enough ice, Eric took a whole tubful.
Red: He took a tub of ice?
Kitty: Oh, the kids are making a volcano!
Midge: Right, that's why Donna left with all the plastic cups.
Red: Plastic cups?
Midge: Sure, plastic volcano cups.
Bob: If I didn't know better, I'd say they were having a kegger!
He looks at Red.
Bob: Oh Jeez!
Red: Let's go Bob.
They both get up and leave.
Midge: Oh, 'Rich Man Poor Man'! I love it! I just hope I don't get too emotional.
Kitty: Oh, so do I.
IN THE TOYOTA
Bob: Those kids can be anywhere. Few needles in a hay sack.
Red: Look, they left the house in a wood-paneled Ocean Liner. We should be able to find them.
Bob: Yep, it's a real asphalt jungle out here. The sun goes down, the rats come out. I lost my mailbox last year. Oh yeah. You know what it is: the evil spilling over from Saboidan.
Ah, how many stores do you suppose there are in this naked burg?
Red: Eight Bob. There are eight.
EMPTY POOL
Jackie: Michael, this is our secret make-out place! I did not swipe the key from my mother's real estate office so you can have a party!
Kelso: No, it's like a bonus! I'm doing it for you baby!
Jackie: Oh… Well, okay.
The guys cheer.
Donna: Empty pool, empty house, full keg. You sure know how to show a girl a good time.
Eric: Yeah well, I don't color outside the line often but when I do, jump back Lou Reed!
Hyde: I don't care when you ate Fez! Get in the pool now!
Fez: If I get a cramp, it'll be on your head!
Jackie: Okay, hurry up and drink your keg.
Hyde: Hurry up and drink a keg?
Kelso: Jackie, will you just meddle out? I, I mean this rules! We got a Keg and soon everybody's gonna be here.
Jackie: Everybody?
Eric: Everybody who matters. And for the first time Jackie, that includes you.
The gang gives her a group hug.
Jackie: Get away from me!
She pushes them away.
Hyde: You heard her, let's drink beer!
Kelso: Me first!
Donna: No way I spotted it!
Kelso: Nah, I saw it too, I just didn't say anything!
Hyde: You saw a keg and you didn't say anything? Back of the line!
Eric: Alright, how do you get the beer out?
Hyde: Through the tap.
Eric: What tap?
There isn't a tap on the keg.
Hyde: No!!!
He falls on the keg, hugging it. He gets up.
Hyde: Okay, we really need a tap here!
Kelso: I got my swiss-army knife!
Hyde: Oh great, we can wiggle the beer out.
Donna: Alright look, they sell taps at the liquor store.
Hyde: And who's got the money to buy it?
They all look at Jackie.
Jackie: Why would I bring money to our secret make-out place Michael?
Eric: Okay, I've got my gas money.
Donna: No Eric, we're not gonna take your gas money.
Eric: Hey, it doesn't matter. By the end of the night we'll have made over two hundred dollars.
Kelso: Yeah!
Jackie: Michael, Michael, how are we gonna make 200 dollars?
Kelso: I don't know.
Eric: Hey, who's buying the tap?
Kelso: You buy fly!
He gives Kelso the money.
Jackie: No Michael, you are… Michael come back here! Michael I am talking to you! Michael!
People come down into the pool.
Fez: Welcome to the pool, I am your host, Fez. Two dollars please.
Jackie: What is going on?
Eric: I didn't wanna tell you before Jackie, but we've taken it upon ourselves to help your mom show off the house at two bucks ahead.
Hyde: He's lying to Jackie man. I lie to Jackie! You know, it seems to me that the scrawny little neighbor boy is willing to engage in criminal actions for that saucy red-head next door.
Donna: Shut up! How do you know he's not doing it to impress his friends. You know, peer pressure.
Hyde: Because his friends aren't saucy!
Donna: Kelso's saucy.
Hyde: Kelso! Please, I'm saucier than Kelso.
THE TOYOTA
Bob is singing.
Red: Would you turn that damned thing off!
Bob turns it off.
Red: Keep your eyes peeled for the vista cruiser!
Bob: Ookey-dookey.
Starts humming the song again. He looks at Red. He stops.
Bob: Sorry.
LIQUOR STORE
Kelso: Hey, see you got some new steins here! Hi, I'm twenty-five! I know I look young, but my dad asked me to come down here to pick up a tap for his keg. And he's forty-three, so we're both legal. No problem there. Uh, I'm not gonna be drinking the beer anyway, 'cause I don't believe in it but no offense to you, I think selling Liquor's a great thing.
The guy reaches behind his counter and gets a tap.
Guy: Here you go.
Kelso: Yeah! 'Cause I'm twenty-five, right?
Guy: 'Cause you got money.
Kelso: Yeah, but I am twenty-five.
Guy: Don't need to be kid. Direct a tap.
Kelso: I can prove it to you! I got my IDs out in the wallet!
Guy: Yeah, it happens all the time. Take care.
Kelso: Yeah, but I…
Guy: Leave, now.
He takes the money.
Kelso: Yeah.
Kelso leaves.
DARK ALLEY
Destroy and Give back are hitting a phone booth. Kelso comes running by them but they stop him.
Destroy: Oh! Kelshmo, what you've got there?
Kelso: That, that was really funny what you did with my name, Kelshmo. I gotta go.
He tries to leave, but they stop him. Destroy takes the tap and breaks it in two. Give back gives it back.
Give back: I believe this is yours…You broke his, his thing!
Destroy: And you gave it back!
Give back: That was great!
They leave.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Midge: So you see what I'm saying about the poor man?
Kitty: Yes, you have made your point… many times!
Midge: He's a bad boy, he had some rough breaks, but he isn't bad in his soul!
She starts crying.
Kitty: Okay, okay, enough daiquiris for you!
Midge: Kitty, Kitty, what do you look for in a man?
Kitty: Oh, well, I'm married. I'm kinda through looking.
Midge: Kitty, you can always look, it helps you to fantasize. Like some nights, I'm doing the news with Walter Kronkiyed.
Kitty: Okay, I'm just, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna finish your daiquiri!
THE POOL
Donna: It's broken!
Kelso: I got duck tape.
Hyde: Duck tape? Do you know how much pressure runs through that tap?
Kelso: I got a whole roll of duck tape.
Hyde: I can't work like this. Forman, you need to get your dad's tap now.
Eric: My dad doesn't have a tap…
Hyde: Red's got bicentennial frizzle sticks, he's got fake lemons with real lemon juice, he's got toothpicks shaped like swords! Red Forman is a cocktail dad! And cocktail dads have beer taps!
Kelso: Yeah, come on Eric, we never ask you for anything.
Eric: Wait, you guys ask me for everything
Kelso: So what's one more thing ?
Eric: No, forget it, I've done enough today already, so count me out.
Destroy and Give back join them.
Destroy: Hey, Kelshmo, what, your tap is broken? Why did you do something stupid like buy a stupid, broken tap? What are you? Stupid?
Kelso: It wasn't broken until you broke it!
Destroy: Oh, man!
Give back: Don't beat yourself up, you had no way of knowing. Anyways, we gave it back.
Eric: Yeah, broken.
Give back: Hey, lay off him alright, he feels bad enough already!
Eric: Oh, he should 'cause he's a moron!
Give back: What did you say?
Eric: I said that you're both morons! What are you gonna do? You gonna beat me up? You weigh four hundred pounds together? It doesn't matter, the fact is that the tap is broken and it's your fault! Morons!
Destroy: You are so rude.
Give back: Give us our four bucks back!
Eric: Okay Fez.
Fez comes. Eric takes four bucks out of the bucket and tears them, then gives them back to the two morons.
Eric: Familiar?
They leave.
Donna: Wow Eric. You just tore their money! You gave it back! That was great, that was great!
Eric: But enough of this levity wench.
He runs to the stairs. And leaps and holds on.
Eric: We came here to have a party and as God as my witness, there will be a party!
LIQUOR STORE
Guy: Nope, I haven't sold a keg all day, but a young guy did come in for a tap.
Red: Young guy, huh?
Bob: Oh look, they have pina-colada in a can.
Red: Bob, we're doing something here
Bob: Oh Right.
Kid: You know, I might've heard something about a party. Can't recall, maybe a Andrew Jackson could remind me
Bob gets out a bunch of money.
Bob: Andrew Jackson, huh? He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. Would they have any knowledge of the festivities?
Bob is about to hand the kid the money, but Red swipes it.
Red: So, a real wisenheimmer. Well, let's see how smart you are when I snap off your head!
Kid: Okay, Okay man, they said something about a vacant house on Sherman.
Bob: I know that place, it's the vacant house on Sherman!
Red:Good work Starsky! Let's roll!"
THE POOL
The party's hopping! People are dancing. Suddenly, the house lights switch on. Jackie comes running.
Jackie: Everybody in the deep end! My mother's showing the house!
Donna: Now?
Jackie: People work.
Donna:Alright, quiet down everybody!
Jackie’s mom: The deck is new, and this lovely tile walkway lead directly to the pool which is filled with some of the local kids. Heavily Caucasian. It's a nice neighborhood!
FORMAN KITCHEN
Midge: Sometimes, Bob pretends he's poor. I call him Buster. He knocks on the door and I answer in my teddy. And he says 'Does the rich Lady need any help around the house?' and I say: 'I know something that needs tending to in the bedroom!'! I'll spare you the details, but it ends in Whoppee!
Kitty: You know, this is as much fun to make as it is to eat.
Kitty puts down the popcorn she's making.
Kitty: You know, speaking of which, how do you get Bob to play those games?
Midge: I have a rewards system.
Kitty:Huh. You know, sometimes, Red would wear a sailor's uniform.
Midge: Really?
Kitty: Yeah, but he was in the navy!
Midge spits in the air the drink she was sipping and gets Kitty's face wet.
Midge: Oh, Kitty!
They start laughing.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Eric emerges from behind the bar with the tap and goes to the kitchen door but Midge and Kitty come out from the Kitchen. Eric hides behind the door and exits.
Midge: Does Red still have the sailor's uniform?
Kitty: Oh, no, just has the hat.
They fall on each other on the couch, giggling.
THE POOL
Eric comes into view, without looking at the pool, he swings the garden hose down and gets down with it.
Eric: I stole my dad's tap!
He finally looks to the people in the pool which are Red, Bob, two cops and the guys.
Eric: Back from those thieves.
LATER
Bob: We were worried sick!
Red: You had us driving all over town!
Bob: We missed 'Rich man, Poor man'!
Hyde and Kelso comes by.
Hyde: Excuse us Red.
Red: What are you doing?
Kelso: We're just gonna grab this keg…
Red: Get out of here!
They leave.
Red: We're not finished with this!
Bob: Neither are we.
Red: You take her home, you wait for me! That's an order!
Bob: Ditto!
They start leaving
Bob: Come here!
Donna and Eric come back.
Bob: I can't stay mad at you with that cute face!
Bob hugs her. Eric looks at Red and opens his arms.
Red: Get your ugly butt home!
Eric and Donna leave.
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
Eric and Donna are sitting on the hood of the vista cruiser.
Eric: My dad's gonna kill me!
Donna: You're always saying that.
Eric: Yeah, but this time, he's gonna kill me! I mean, I cut class, I trespassed, I have stolen beer, and then I swung into a pool full of cops on a garden hose carrying my dad's tap.
Donna: Yeah, that was so cool!
Eric: Really
Donna: Really!
They kiss
Donna: You looked dangerous.
Eric: Did I mention I that I killed a guy in algebra?
Donna: Good night, killer!
She gets off the car and goes home.
Eric: Bring it on Red!
THE END
