THE BASEMENT
Jackie is listening to a song and lightly swaying. The song ends.
Jackie: Ooh, ooh, I just wanna hear the guitar solo one more time
Hyde: Not again. Use the headphones.
Jackie makes a face and plugs in the headphones.
Hyde: Good, now wrap the cord around your neck
Eric: Hey, would you guys respect me if I worked in the town dump?
Donna: The town dump? No. Now the state dump...Why are you looking for a job?
Eric: Everything costs money. Gas, clothes...fun.
Kelso: Dates. Dates cost money.
Fez: No Kelso, that is prostitution.
Hyde: Dating is prostitution, man, only you don't always get what you paid for.
Donna: Said the man who's never had a girlfriend.
Hyde: What, you guys don't remember Esther, the biker chick?
Eric: Hey, whatever happened to her?
Hyde: She dating my uncle.
Donna: Well, I'm going home for dinner. Oh, by the way, Mom and Dad are going to the Playboy Club at Lake Geneva this weekend. Do you guys want souvenirs?
Hyde: Ouh, ashtrays.
Fez: A woman.
Jackie: Your parents are gonna be out of town....Really?
Jackie looks at Eric, who's reading the paper.
Donna: Yeah. I mean I'll be babysitting my sister Tina all weekend. Just me, alone, watching TV. I might order a pizza.
Donna leans towards Eric, who's still reading the paper.
Kelso: I got an idea! We'll have a party at Donna's. A toga party!
Jackie: Michael, Michael! Maybe Donna doesn't wanna throw a party. Maybe she wants to be alone.
Donna: Yeah, just me, alone. If someone happens to stop by, that'd be pretty cool.
Kelso: So we're on! I'll bring the beer.
Fez: Donna, I've never been to an American party. May I come?
Donna: Uh, Yeah I don't care. So, um, Eric, are you gonna be there?
Eric looks up from his paper
Eric: Yeah, yeah. That sounds fun.
Donna: Cool. Catch you guys later.
Donna leaves.
Kelso: Woo hoo, party at Donna's!
Jackie hits Eric and Kelso on the back of their heads.
Jackie: You are both so stupid!
Eric: Why?
Jackie sighs and goes out.
Hyde: Well, this is a first. I actually agree with Jackie.
Eric: What? You're saying that I'm stupid?
Hyde: Donna just put on the full court press, man, and you dropped the ball.
Eric: What are you talking about? All she said was she'd be alone on Saturday night with a pizza… Oh God, I'm so stupid.
OPENING CREDITS
THE FORMAN KITCHEN
The Formans are eating.
Eric: So, Dad, the guys and I are thinking about getting jobs.
Kitty: No, no, no. You have a job. It's your job to get good grades, go to college, graduate and…leave me.
Red: Kitty, when I was his age I worked in a slaughter house. It was a good experience. I learned how to use a hammer.
Kitty looks disgusted and stops eating.
Eric: Uh, the new Fatso Burger is hiring people. Jackie's dad owns it. I guess I could get a job there.
Kitty: There is plenty of time later to get a job to grind the joy out of your life.
Red: It's never too early. But let me tell you something, work is not about fun. It's about work. It's about seeing how much crap you can take from the boss man and then taking some more. Hey, look at me, only quitters quit.
Eric: So, can I work?
Red: Well, we're sure as hell gonna find out now, aren't we?
THE BASEMENT
Hyde and Donna are talking.
Hyde: So, big party Saturday night.
Donna: "Whoopee.
Hyde: I can't believe Forman missed all those signals.
Donna: "What signals?
Hyde, in a feminine voice: "Oh no, poor me, all alone in my big house, just me and my nightie. If only there was some scrawny little neighbor boy here.
Donna: He's not scrawny. You know, why am I even talking to you?
Hyde: I'm all you got.
Donna collapses in the couch like at a shrink's office.
Donna: Oh my God, so everyone knows!
Hyde picks up a pencil like a shrink would.
Hyde: I'm afraid so.
Donna: I just wanted to spend some tme with him alone and now I can't.
Hyde: How does that make you feel?
Donna: Frustrated! It's frustrating as hell! I mean I really put myself out there.
Hyde: I see. And do you have trouble sleeping at night?
Donna: Sometimes, yeah I do.
Hyde: Do you think you'd sleep better if you had a scrawny little neighbor boy up next to you?
Donna sits up and glares at Hyde.
THE FORMAN KITCHEN
Red: Ok, let's hear it.
Eric, taking his hand: Hello, my name is Eric Forman
Red: No, no, no. Not with a loose hand. Firm! Not like a fish! Again.
Eric: Hello, my name is-
Red: No, step into it. Stand up straight.
Eric: Straight up and hold the fish.
Red: Don't be a smartmouth.
Eric: Right. No, no smart mouth. Hello, my name is Eric Forman.
Red: And?
Eric: And...
Kitty: Ooh, ooh, um, tell them about your junior achievement experience.
Red: Oh, they could give a rat's ass about that.
Kitty: Ok, um, show them your honorable mention from the science fair.
Red: Again...
Kitty: Right, rat's ass.
Red:Don't slouch.
Eric: Wouldn't that fall under the, uh, stand up straight category?
Red: See, now that's a smart mouth. You're fired Mr. Smartmouth! See, that's how that works.
FATSO BURGER
Ricky: First of all, people who work at Fatso Burger are special. Now I know you're looking at me and wondering, "How do I get where Ricky is?" Well, if you work hard, pay attention, and use the proper finger release technique on the slant cup dispenser, you could be me. Now lets get started. Why do you want a career at Fatso Burger?
Eric: I just think it will be a wonderful experience.
Kelso: My girlfriend's dad owns it.
Fez: I love the uniforms.
Hyde: To unionize the workers, man.
Ricky: Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?
Eric: Well, I'm a real people person.
Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.
Fez: I speak Dutch.
Kelso: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt too.
Ricky: Name something about yourself that you consider to be a weakness.
Eric: I allow people to boss me around.
Fez: I love chocolate.
Hyde: I'm brutally honest...pinhead.
Kelso: Um...
Kelso leans back on his chair and falls.
Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Eric: Fatso Burger.
Fez: I'm wearing gold chains.
Kelso: Rock star. Uh, no, movie star. No, yeah, rock star.
Hyde: Prison.
Ricky: Well, I'd like to thank you all very much for coming in.
Kelso puts his hand out. Ricky looks at him and shakes Eric's hand.
Ricky: Eric, welcome to the Fatso Burger family.
THE BURKHARDT'S LIVING ROOM
Jackie: Oh Daddy, I'm so sad.
Mr. B.: Why, Kitten?
Jackie: Because Fatso Burger hired Eric instead of Michael.
Mr. B.: I know dear.
Jackie: Why would they do that Daddy?
Mr B.: Let me tell you a story about Doofus and Diligent...
The scene transforms into an old back and white film strip "The Story of Doofus and Diligent" with MR B. narrating, Eric as Diligent and Kelso as Doofus.
MR. B.: Doofus is friendly, but he doesn't follow directions well. Now, Diligent always does his job by the book. This is how to the book says to do it...
Diligent, wiping the counter: Wipe left to right.
Doofus takes the cloth and blows his nose into it.
Narrator: Uh oh Looks like a big order just came in...
Diligent: Let me help guys.
Narrator: ...says Diligent.
Diligent: But wait a second. Where's Doofus?
Doofus is in the toilet reading a comic while Diligent is using the urinals.
Narrator: What do you know about that! Let's see what happens here!
Diligent: Uh oh, I was in such a hurry to get back to work, I almost forgot.
Diligent washes his hands while Doofus puts his pants back on and heads for the door.
Diligent: Hey Doofus, you're supposed to wash your hands after using the facility.
Doofus: Hah, no way Diligent. That's for squares.
Doofus draws a square with his fingers and the film ends.
Jackie: So…Michael's a Doofus?
Mr. B.: And how.
THE PINCIOTTI'S YARD
Midge and Bob are lecturing Donna before they leave.
Midge: We expect you to be responsible when we're out of town.
Bob: No parties.
Midge: And I want you to be nice to your sister. Don't make Tina eat dirt, I mean it.
Bob: And no boys. They only want one thing and it's a dirty, dirty thing they want. Enough said.
Eric enters, dressed in slacks, a shirt and a tie.
Bob: Hey looking sharp Eric. You gonna be around this weekend?
Eric: Yes Sir.
Bob: Good. Make sure no guys are hanging around Donna. Capisci?
Midge and BOB head inside.
Eric: So, I got a job.
Donna: Yeah?
Eric: It seems I'm Fatso Burger material...and I really wish I hadn't just said that.
Donna: No, it sounded really cool.
Donna looks away and her look means that she regretted what she just said.
Donna: So, um, are you still coming to the party on Saturday?
Eric: Well I work late on Saturday night, but maybe if I get out early I could like, you know, swing by.
Donna: Sounds good.
Eric: Yeah, but I mean it might be really late, so everyone else might be gone.
Donna: Well, um, you know if I'm still up I can leave the light on if you want me to.
Eric: Yeah.
Donna: Oh.
Eric: I mean yeah. That would be great 'cause that way with the light on I couldn't…fall.
Donna: Yeah.
Eric: Ok.
Donna: Sounds good. Yeah.
Donna and Eric head in different directions. Eric stops.
Eric: Hey Donna. Um, that light?
Donna: Yeah.
Eric: Cool.
Donna: Ok.
THE FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY
Donna is shooting some hoops and Eric is getting out of his house.
Eric: Bye Mom.
Donna: Oh Eric, I'm going to the reservoir. You wanna go?
Eric: Nope, I gotta work.
Donna and Eric turn around and Donna is now wearing different clothes: the next day
Donna: Hey Eric, I'm meeting everyone at the Hub. You wanna go?
Eric: Nope, I gotta work.
The same thing happens: the next day.
Donna: Hey Eric, I'm going to the movies. You wanna go?
Eric: Nope, I gotta work.
Again.
Donna: Hey Eric, I got this new bikini but I think it's too small. Can I model it for you?
Eric, his voice showing his hatred for work: "Nope, I gotta…. wo-work.
FATSO BURGER
Eric is mopping the floor.
Ricky: Hey, how's that mopping coming along?
Eric: Well, I'm just happy to be a part of the Fatso Burger family.
Ricky walks away.
Eric: You dumbass.
Jackie, Kelso, Fez and Hyde walk in.
Hyde: Here, here, my minimum wage friend, I demand service!
Eric: Welcome to Fatso Burger, how may I serve you?
Hyde: That is so sad burger boy.
Kelso: Jackie, I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why this guy didn't hire me.
Jackie: Michael, I am so tired of hearing that. You still have me.
Kelso: You know what I think it is?
Jackie: What?
Kelso: I'm great looking and he's jealous. I'm telling you Jackie, this body is a curse!
Jackie: Well besides, if you worked here you couldn't see me whenever I wanted you to...lover.
Kelso: Oh yeah.
Jackie and Kelso kiss.
Fez: Please stop touching each other. It gives me needs.
Jackie and Kelso stop.
THE PINCIOTTI'S YARD
Kelso comes running with Jackie.
Kelso: Toga! Toga! Toga!
Hyde: Hey man, nice dress.
Kelso shows him the three beers he has brought.
Hyde: You brought three beers Meathead?
Kelso: We'll share.
Donna and Hyde take a beer each.
Hyde: "Here's to our wasted youth, huh?
They open the beer in unison. Camera cuts to the Forman living room where Red sits up.
Red: Party.
Camera cuts back to the Pinciotti's yard. Fez arrives.
Donna: Hey Fez
Fez: Good evening Donna. Which of these ladies are easy?
A young girl comes out of the house. She is Donna’s sister, Tina.
Tina: Donna, some of your creepy friends are using Dad's stereo.
Donna: You guys, no one's allowed in the house!
Fez: Hello Pretty Lady.
Tina: Hi!
Donna: She's not a pretty lady. She's my sister and she's fourteen.
Fez: You know in my country…
Hyde: It's illegal here.
Fez: Oh, I see.
Jackie: Michael, you and I need to talk, inside.
Kelso: Ookay
Kelso smiles and they go inside.
Donna: I'm miserable, this party sucks.
Hyde: You know what'll make you feel better? Scrawny little neighbor boy. Why don't you take off, go see him and I'll watch the kids, huh?
Donna: Yeah? Thanks Hyde!
Hyde belches.
Hyde: You're welcome.
Donna goes.
FATSO BURGER
Kitty comes in.
Eric: Welcome to Fatso Burger, how may I serve you?
Kitty: Honey, it's me.
Eric: I know. I…have to say that.
Kitty: Oh, oh, ok. Well, I was on a break from the hospital, so I thought I'd bring you some nice hot soup. Oh, oyster crackers!
Eric: Oh, thank God, something to eat.
Kitty: So, how's it going?
Eric: It's great.
Kitty pauses.
Kitty: So, how's it going?
Eric: It's terrible. I'm exhausted. I'm behind on my homework and I think this polyester uniform is giving me a body rash.
Kitty: Oh oh, um, I swept the driveway for you.
Eric: Oh! Oh, Mom I'm sorry, I forgot.
Kitty: That's ok. You know what, here, I'll do this.
Kitty starts cleaning up.
Kitty: You sit down and you eat your soup. You know um, Eric if you want to quit, your father and I will completely understand.
Eric: Did Dad tell you that?
Kitty: Well you leave your father to me. You just, you worry about you.
Ricky enters.
Ricky: Hey Forman, who said you were on break?!
Kitty: I did.
Ricky: And who are you?!
Kitty: I'm his mother!
Ricky: Good enough then.
BOB AND MIDGE'S BEDROOM
Jackie and Kelso come in.
Jackie: Michael, sit. We need to talk.
Kelso sits down on what he sees to be a waterbed.
Kelso: Oh-ho...Ahoy Jackie, welcome aboard the U.S.S. Kelso.
Jackie: You know sometimes I'm beginning to think you're a real screw up. You see, one day, I want a house. And kids. And maybe a chandelier. And if you can't give me those things Michael, then this is all a big waste of time.
Jackie sits down near him
Jackie: You just, you gotta try harder...Wait, Michael, something feels wet.
Kelso, thinks : "Dear Penthouse..."
Jackie: No, no, you popped the waterbed!
Jackie jumps up.
Kelso: It must've been my roach clip. Jackie, maybe they won't notice.
Jackie: I am in love with a Doofus.
FATSO BURGER
Donna comes in.
Donna: Hey.
Eric: Donna. Oh, welcome to Fatso Burger…aw, screw it. What are you doing here?
Donna: Ah, I was bored.
Eric: Really? You left your own party to come see me?
Donna: It's not much of a party without you there.
A pause
Eric: You're so queer.
Donna: Shut up! Um, Eric the whole reason I told you my parents were going away is so we could hang, together, you know, alone.
Eric: I know. It's just, uh...
Donna: So, um...
Eric: Look Donna, I'm sorry. Ok, I would love to come over, but this is my job and uh, work isn't fun, you know. It's work. And only quitters quit.
Donna: Well as long as you know it's important. I'll see you around.
She leaves
PINCIOTTI'S YARD
Hyde finishes his beer, crushes it and throws it in the garbage can. Fez tries to do the same.
Fez: Ay!
Hyde: Well, what do you know Kelso, we're out of beer. You know what, Forman's old man's got a fridge in the garage and I know he's got beer in it.
Camera cuts in the FORMAN living room again. Red jumps up.
THE FORMAN'S GARAGE
The guys are sneaking in and Kelso makes a lot of noise. They all scream when Red switches on them a flashlight.
Kelso, pointing at Fez: It's his idea!
Fez: Remind me to kick your ass.
Hyde: Uh, hey Red, um, uh, is Forman around?
Red: Well he sure as hell's not in that fridge.
PINCIOTTI'S YARD
The light is on and Eric is about to knock when Bob opens the door.
Eric: Mr. Pinciotti! You're home...that's good.
Bob: Eh, came back early. Eh, missed the kids too much. What are you doing here?
Eric: Oh, uh, I was just coming home from work and I noticed that someone left your porch light on.
Bob: Can't even see that from your house. Good eye.
Eric: Thank you.
Bob: You know Eric, that's what I like about you. I ask you to look out for Donna and here you are, in the middle of the night, hanging around the back door, doing your job. You're a good guy Eric, I don't care what they say about you. Ha! Gotcha! Good night now.
Eric: Ok well I was just gonna…
Bob: Yeah, there you go.
Bob goes in and switches the light off.
Eric: Ok...Good night then.
He starts walking home.
Donna (O.S.): Good night Eric!
Eric turns, smiles and continues walking.
THE FORMANS LIVING ROOM
Eric: Dad.
Red: Eric.
Eric: Dad, I'm quitting my job.
Red: You're quitting?
Eric: Yeah, I'm quitting. I'm irresponsible, I'm a quitter and I couldn't kill a cow with a hammer. So what do you day to that?
Red: Well everyone quits their first job. It's no big deal.
Eric: What? That's it? I gotta say Dad, I'm a little disappointed here.
Red: But it wasn't a man's job anyway.
Kitty: Red.
Red: Well come on Kitty, it was a hair net, name tag, nothing kind of a job.
Eric: Now that's more like it.
Red: Just as well. It was cutting into your chores anyway. You did a half ass job sweeping the driveway.
Kitty, offended: I thought he did a wonderful job.
Red: Didn't look wonderful to me.
Kitty jumps up and throws down the magazine.
Kitty: Ok then. Sweep it yourself!
She exits.
THE END