(The Forman's basement. Eric, Fez, Hyde, and Kelso are hanging out. Eric is on the phone.)
Eric: Yep, that's right, one hundred bags of manure... yeah, the wife and I are redoing the front lawn....And tell you what... if I'm not there, just dump it all on the front porch! Bye Bye.
(He hangs up.)
Hyde: Yeah, man, Coach Jefferson is gonna freak!
Eric : Yeah, well, he just shouldn't've gave me that D.
Fez: Oh no, Dick Tracy is trapped in a giant clam! Farewell sweet Dick!
Hyde: A man being eaten by a giant clam. Now, I'm not Sigmund Freud but...
Kelso: Eric, The Omen's playing in the drive-in! You know what this means for us?... It's make-out city!
Eric: I really like you as a friend, Kelso... Can I bring a girl?
Kelso: Yeah! Man, it's gonna be great! Horror movies turn on chicks faster than porno!
Hyde: Really? Faster than that?
Kelso: Yeah, if only somebody would make a porno horror movie!
Eric: Oh, yeah, oh, then they'd be no stopping you!
(Red comes down the stairs.)
Red: Eric, is that kid from ... not America down here?
Eric: Dad, it's Fez!
Red: Yeah, whatever, the Erdmans called and they - they want him to...go home! Kelso, stop saying porno!
Kelso: I didn't say it, Mr. Forman, Fez did!
Fez: You are a bitch!
(That 70's Show theme song plays.)
** ** **
(The Forman's kitchen. Red is at the table. Kitty walks in holding a magazine.)
Kitty: Okay, you know what this is Red ?
Red: Some lady magazine.
Kitty: It's Cosmo!
Red: Oh my...
Kitty: I'm gonna tell you something, Red. I just took the "How spontaneous is your relationship" quiz. And you know what?
Red: What?
Kitty: We got three out of ten! And I cheated!
Red: Gee, I can't help but notice that you're pouting.
Kitty: Oh, no, no, I'm not pouting. That would upset our routine. God knows I wouldn't wanna move in a new direction and accidentally slip in a puddle of fun or anything!
Red: Okay, here's a thought: how about you and I treat ourselves to a night out. Just the two of us.
Kitty: Well, that'd be great, Red!
Red: We'll go to Phillies.
Kitty: Phillies, huh! So you'll have the Salisbury steak and I'll have the baked chicken again!
Red: Well, maybe I won't have the Salisbury steak... I enjoy their ham!
Kitty: Oh, ham! Well, okay, then I can change one answer on the quiz! So, okay, we have four out of ten. We have moved up from ' Predictable as the tides' to 'Hum-drum'! I'll just go change!
(She leaves. Red picks up the magazine.)
Red: Damn Cosmo! Hoo!
** ** **
(The Erdman's living room. Fez is on the couch. Mr. and Mrs. Erdman are talking to him.)
Mr. Erdman: Son, when we took you in as an exchange student, you became our responsibility! And we're concerned about this gang of ruffians you hang out with.
Fez: They are my friends!
Mr. Erdman: That's exactly what they want you to think! Now we're not inflexible, we looked the other way when you started wearing cologne! But now, you've brought the devil's music into our home!
(He holds up a KISS album.)
Fez: Oh, no, that is not the devil's music, it is Eric's!
Mr. Erdman: Rebecca, show the boy. Now listen to what happens when she plays it backwards.
(She puts the record on a turntable and forces it backwards. Nothing but indistinct noises result.)
Fez: That cannot be good for the record!
Mr. Erdman: There it is! Devil loved me, Devil lives! It's clear as day!
(Fez laughs.)
Mr. Erdman: What's funny?
Fez: In my language, the record just said: 'I want to sex your monkey!'(There is a pause as Fez realizes this isn't what his host parents wanted to hear.) Which I have never done!
** ** **
(The Forman's kitchen. Eric and Donna are talking.)
Eric: So, Donna, I was thinking ... we should go see a movie tonight.
Donna: Oh, Cool, I'd love to see 'All the President's Men.’
Eric: Oh! Well, I actually hear that isn't very good.
Donna: Oh.
Eric: Yeah. Hey, I was thinking- maybe The Omen.
Donna: Isn't that at the drive-in?
Eric: Is that at the...? Yeah, no, I guess it is. So, do you wanna go?
Donna: Tonight? Um. Yeah, sure!
** ** **
(The Forman's porch. Donna and Jackie are talking.)
Jackie: The Omen? That's at the drive-in!
Donna: I know, I don't know what to do! I mean, I really like Eric and I'd like to have a physical relationship, but...
Jackie: It's called make-out, Donna! Say it!
Donna: Alright, Make-out! But I don't want it to be public! I don't want it to be tacky! I don't want there to be pressure. And now it's become this tacky public pressure make-out thing!
Jackie: I understand. Everybody wants their first make-out to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World!
Donna: Disney World?
Jackie: Right, sorry. So let's focus. He asked you to the drive in...
(The screen splits in two. Donna and Jackie are on the top half. Now, on the bottom half, we see Eric and Kelso talking in the basement. We hear their conversations at the same time.)
Kelso: Donna said yes?
Jackie: And you said yes.
Eric and Donna: Yes.
Kelso: Yes! Oh, this is great! Me and Jackie will come with you!
Eric: No!
Donna: Will you come with us?
Jackie: Why?
Kelso: Why not?
Eric: You'd be like, competition!
Donna: You'd be like, a loophole!
Kelso: Competition?
Jackie: (At the same time as Kelso:) Loophole?
Eric: Yeah, I'd have to keep up with you and Jackie and that would make me nervous...
Donna: I can always talk to you if I get nervous, 'cause you've gotta be bored with sex by now!
Jackie and Kelso: What do you mean?
Eric: You and Jackie have done it, like, a million times!
Donna: (At the same time as Eric:) You and Kelso have done it, like, a million times!
Kelso: True!
Jackie: We have never done it!
Kelso: Yeah, slid into home on the second date!
Jackie: We got to third base once, and that was an accident!
Eric and Donna: Whatever.
Jackie: Don't worry, we'll be there!
Kelso: Fine, we won't come!
Donna: Thanks!
Eric: (At the same time as Donna:) Perfect!
** ** **
(The Forman's living room. Red is watching TV. Kitty comes downstairs wearing a nice dress. Red turns off the TV.)
Kitty: Okay, now, see, this dress says, look at me, notice me, stare at me! It’s all wrong!
Red: No! You look terrific, especially for dinner at the Lion’s Head!
Kitty: No! It’s no good, I – What? The Lion’s Head, I thought we were going to Phillies!
Red: Well, I changed my mind!
Kitty: Well, you never do that! The Lion’s Head! It is so fancy! They make the butter look like little flowers!
Red: Yeah, yeah, and it’s different! I mean, hey, we haven’t been there in years! It’ll be fun, huh?
Kitty: Oh! Oh! This is so exciting! Oh! Oh! (she kisses him on the head.) Okay now, if we are going to go to somewhere that fancy, I have to shave your neck! I’ll get the clippers, you hop in the car.
** ** **
(The Forman's basement. High time. Eric, Hyde, Kelso and Fez are sitting in a circle, and the camera swings around to each person.)
Fez: I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record!
Hyde: It’s not the devil, man! It’s congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock'n'roll because they know it makes us horny, man!
Eric: Doesn’t pretty much everything make us horny?
(He stuffs an entire Twinkie in his mouth.)
Kelso: Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!
Fez: When you play the record backwards, you can hear the devil speak. I am starting to hear him everywhere! (He jumps as if he has just heard the devil.) Ai!
(Hyde speaks in a deep voice, as if he were satan.)
Hyde: Satan is your master, Fez! Worship satan!
Fez: Ai!
Hyde: But before you worship satan, get him a cherry pop! Get satan a cherry pop! Get satan a cherry pop!(In his normal voice:) Pop man, get me a pop! Fez man! Get me a pop!
Fez: Oh, I’m sorry, I misunderstood!
Hyde: Satan's second choice is root beer!
Fez: Ai!
** ** **
(Red and Kitty are in a restaurant that used to be the Lion's Head. We can tell it is obviously not anymore, because it isn't fancy at all.)
Host: (Speaking over the PA:) Warner, party of two. Warner, party of two.
Kitty: Red, what is this place?
Red: Excuse me, what happened to the Lion's Head?
Host: Burned down! Five dead! Real sad! Welcome to Blannigans. May I take your name?
Red: I’ll get back to you. (He turns to Kitty, who is clearly a little disappointed.) Well, what do you think?
Kitty: Well, umm, it certainly is different!
Red: May not be so bad.
Waiter: On your left, sparky!
Kitty: The staff is certainly enthusiastic!
Red: I’m sure I can get us a nice quiet table.
Various staff members: Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! To you!
Red: I’ll put our name in the list. (He turns to the host.) Forman, party of two!
Host: Okey-dokey, that’ll be about two hours.
Red: Here’s twenty bucks.
Host: All right, we’ll have something in about fifteen minutes.
Red: You don’t want this place to burn down twice, do ya?
Host: All right, we have something right now!
Red: That’s what I thought! (To Kitty:) Well, sweetheart, this is our lucky night! Oh, (he turns back to the host, holding out his hat.) Would you check this?
Host: Sure. (He looks the hat over.) Looks real good!
** ** **
(The Forman's driveway. Eric and Donna are ready to go.)
Eric: Alright, let’s go!
Donna: (Stalling:) Maybe I should go back to my house and pop some popcorn ‘cause, they always overcharge… (Jackie and Kelso walk up.) Jackie and Kelso, what are you guys doing here?
Jackie: Nothing, what are you guys doing here?
Eric: Donna and I are going to the drive-in…(To Kelso:) remember?
Jackie: Thank you Eric, we’d love to go! Michael, get in the car.
Kelso: But I don’t…
Jackie: Get in the car!
Eric: Look, this isn’t what we talked about at all!
Kelso: I’m sorry, man! I’ll take it slow, try to keep up! Wahoo! Going to the drive-in!
** ** **
(Blannigans. Red and Kitty are sitting at their table.)
Guy: Hello, I’m Guy and I’ll be your waiter. Would either of you like to help yourself to our Blannigantastic salad bar?
Kitty: What’s a salad bar?
Guy: Oh, it’s right over there! All the salad fixings, and you make you own Blannigantastic salad!
Red: You mean my wife has to make her own salad?
Guy: It’ll be worth the trip!
Red: You’re kidding, right?
Kitty: Red!
Red: No, no, no, Kitty, it’s okay. Now, Guy, my wife didn’t get all dressed up for a special night out so that she could make her own salad. See, she could do that at home. For free!
Guy: But she wouldn’t have eight Blannigantastic dressings to choose from at home! Would she?
Red: Are you being a wiseacker?
Kitty: Red, honey, honey, your neck vein! It’s poking out!
Guy: Sir, I can’t bring you your salad or I’ll get in trouble!
Red: What the hell kinda restaurant is this? You got eight people singing happy birthday, and nobody can bring my wife a damn salad?
Kitty: Red, honey, neck vein, neck vein!
Red: Come on, Kitty! Let's get outta here! (They pass a group of waiters singing happy birthday.) Oh, screw your freaking birthday!
** ** **
(The drive-in, in the Vista Cruiser. Donna and Eric are sitting uncomfortably in the front seat, while Jackie and Kelso make out in the back.)
Donna: God! This movie even sounds gross!
Eric: That’s not the movie.
Jackie: (Sticking her head up from the backseat:) So, you guys okay up here?
Donna: No! I want - popcorn, and I want Eric and Kelso to go get it!
Kelso: Oh, Eric can go get it!
Jackie: No! Michael, go! Get out!
(The guys leave to go get popcorn.)
Donna: I didn’t bring you here to suck Kelso’s face off!
Jackie: I know. I’m sorry.
Donna: This is so awkward!
Jackie: You’re right, and I wasn’t being a very good friend. No more making-out, I promise.
(The guys come back.)
Kelso: All right, about the popcorn, I need money!
Donna: What? I don’t want popcorn! Get back in the car!
Kelso: She doesn’t know what she wants!
(He tries to make out with Jackie again, but she stops him.)
Jackie: No, Michael, Michael, no, we are gonna watch the movie with Eric and Donna!
Kelso: But I missed the beginning!
Eric: Okay, the little kid’s the devil, they have to kill him. Watch the movie!
The movie: Look at this, Damien, it’s all for you! (A scream.)
(The girls scream and fall aside. Donna falls on Eric. Kelso gives Eric a thumbs up. Jackie grabs Michael’s face and pulls him down with her.)
Eric: Donna, it’s just a movie. (They sit akwardly for a few more moments while Jackie and Kelso make out.) Do you wanna sit somewhere else?
Donna: So bad!
** ** **
(Phillies. Red and Kitty are sitting at the counter.)
Kitty: So. Here we are. Back at Phillies.
Red: Yep, good old Phillies, good food at a fair price!
Kitty: You’re ordering the Salsberry steak, aren’t you?
Red: Nope, I’m going for the ham!
Kitty: Red, don’t put your hat on the counter, it’s all greasy!
(He puts his hat back on, and raises his hand for a waiter.)
Red: Hey, pal, can I get some half and half?
Kitty: Well, isn’t this familiar…
(The scene freezes into a version of the famous diner painting with Marylin Monroe and James Dean, only the characters remain the same.)
** ** **
(The Forman's basement. Hyde is holding a couple of records.)
Hyde: Okay, now this is how we sneak the devil music past Ozzie and Harriet. Observe! Alice Cooper, meet Pat Boone. (He puts the Alice Cooper record into the Pat Boone cover.) Don’t resist me, Pat Boone! No, you’re hurting me! Come on take it! Oh it hurts! Come on! No! Ahh!
Fez: But what if my host parents hear it?
Hyde: Then satan commands us to kill them, Fez!
Fez: Nooo.
Hyde: I’ll tell you what, we’ll use the headphones!
Fez: Yes!
** ** **
(Red's car. Red and Kitty are sitting and talking.)
Red: Kitty, I’m sorry about tonight.
Kitty: Oh, it’s not your fault, Red! You know how emotional I get when I read Cosmo!
Red: Boy, do I!
Kitty: You know – Okay, at least we gave it a try! I guess we have slowed down, flattened out, oh, at our age, it’s inevitable!
Red: Okay, that’s it!
(Red gives Kitty a huge kiss.)
Kitty: Red, oh my lord! You’re flashing back to Water Canal, aren’t you?
Red: Hold on, Kitty! The night’s not over!
** ** **
(The drive-in. Donna and Eric are laying on the hood or the car.)
Eric: You know, the stars are really…just forget it.
Donna: What?
Eric: Nothing.
(The car starts rocking. We are left to infer why.)
Eric: Well, Jackie and Kelso have certainly made themselves comfortable!
Donna: Yeah, it’s a roomy car!
Eric: Yeah it is, you know the bench seat of the VistaCruiser…
(Eric stops and they jump on each other. They kiss passionately.)
Eric: It’s what it says in the full-body catalogue.
Donna: Wow, that’s interesting!
(They jump on each other again. They fall off the car. People honk car horns and laugh.)
Random person: Smooth move, Forman!
(Eric leaps on Donna and they fall, kissing on the ground…)
** ** **
(Red's car. The windows are steamed up. A hand slaps the back window, ala Titanic. A police officer approaches and taps the window with his flashlight.)
Cop: Okay kids, break it up! Let’s go! (he shines the flashlight on them and Red looks up.) Wow, hey, you’re adults!
Red: Damn right, we’re adults.
Cop: I’m sorry, sir. My mistake.
Red: That’s quite alright, we all make mistakes. Now, why don’t you go bust some pot-smoking teenagers before I give you a good adult-size kick in the ass?
Cop: Yes sir, thank you, sir! Enjoy your evening!
Kitty: Oh Red, that was so sweet, you let him off with a warning!
Red: Yeah, but you’re not getting off that easy!
Kitty: Oh Red!
** ** **
(The Erdman's living room. Fez and Hyde have their headphones on.)
Fez: In a godda da vida, baby!
(Mrs. Erdman walks through.)
Hyde: Raindrops keep falling on my head….
(Mrs. Erdman smiles and leaves the room.)
Fez: In a godda da vida, honey! (To Hyde:) This loud music will not damage my hearing?
Hyde: No, it’s good for ya!
** ** **
(The Forman's living room. Red is sitting in the dark smoking. Eric walks in.)
Eric: Hey, dad.
Red: Hey, son. How was the movie?
Eric: Pretty gory.
Red: Yeah, how did it end?
Eric: I don’t remember.
Red: 'Atta boy.
Eric: So, how was your night?
Red: It was fantastic.
Eric: Well, that’s great! Goodnight dad!
Red: ’Night son! Oh, and be quiet going upstairs. Your mother is very tired.
END
