Point Place, Wisconsin
Thursday Afternoon
4:17 p.m.
THE FORMAN’S BASEMENT :
The gang is hanging out in the basement. Fez has his hands over Kelso's hands. Kelso is teaching him a game.
Kelso: Are you ready?
Fez: Yes.
Kelso slaps the tops of Fez's hands.
Kelso: Too slow.
Fez: Oh, I see how this game is done. Now my turn. (Kelso puts his hands over Fez's.) Ready?
Kelso: Yeah.
Fez slaps Kelso's face.
Fez: Too slow.
Kelso: No Fez, that's not how the game works. You're supposed to hit my hands.
(Fez hits his hands.
Fez: Too slow.
Kitty comes down the stairs with a plate of cookies
Kitty: Who wants cookies? (Everyone takes one) They're carob, nature's chocolate. (They all put them back) Oh, oh, come on, you wouldn't have known if I hadn't told you. Oh Eric, I picked out a really snazzy outfit for you to wear on career day.
Eric: Oh, that's, um, goodie.
Kitty: Well fine, Mr. Grumpy, but I can't wait to show to show off my little man at work!
Eric: You know what, me neither. (To the gang he mouths the words: “Help me!”, Kitty goes back upstairs)
Hyde: Why career day, man? It's so lame.
Kelso: That's just 'cause your mom's the lunch lady.
Jackie: Your mom is Gross Edna? Ewww! I mean...cool.
Fez: You bet it's cool. That's why I'm spending the day with Hyde and his mom. Right?
Red comes in
Red: Eric I need you in the garage.
Eric: Look, I'll be right back.
Red: You can explain exactly what you did to this car.
Eric: Ok, look, I'll see you tomorrow.
THE FORMAN’S GARAGE :
Eric is holding a flashlight while Red checks the car
Red: Hold the light steady. Higher. Higher. Not in my eyes. Do I look like the carburetor?
Eric: Not, um, not in this light.
Red: That's one. Geez Eric, you're in high school. You'd think they'd take five minutes out of teaching macramé and show you how to hold a damn flashlight.
Eric: Dad, isn't that what college is for?
Red: That's two. You wanna go for three? Gimme that. (Takes the light) Oh, see the damn thing is shot. I need a rebuild kit. We'll work on this tomorrow.
Eric: Uh, Dad, tomorrow's career day.
Red: Yeah, well I'm working half days. I'll be home by noon.
Eric: Um, I think I'm gonna go to the hospital with Mom.
Red: Yeah, what for?
Eric: Well it's career day, not career half day. (Red gets ready to say something.) Ok, look, that's not three, that's what my teacher said.
Red: Fine Eric. I'll uh, fix the car, and you go with your mom and see if you wanna be a nurse.
THE HOSPITAL :
Eric and Kitty enter the ward.
Kitty: Ok, so now this is my ward. Um, I have to check with the night nurse, you say "hi" to the girls.
She heads off in another direction
Eric: Hi girls.
Nurse Thomas: Oh hi, you must be Eric. I recognize you from all the pictures. Your face has cleared up real nice.
Eric: Thanks for noticing that.
Nurse Thomas: You know your mom does the work of five nurses. This place would fall apart without her.
Nurse Phillips: And she's so funny!
Eric: Oh, yeah, she is. Um, wait, no she's not.
Nurse Thomas: Oh, yeah, and she draws these funny cartoons. (She starts to unfold a piece of paper) See, now I warn you, it's a little racy!
Kitty runs in and snatches the paper away.
Kitty: Oh, honey, you don't need to see that. It's just um, a certain body part has been shoved up another body part for comic effect. So, um, have you met everybody?
The Doctor walks in.
Dr. Ashley: Nurse Forman, I just talked to the lab. Why didn't you bring down that blood sample?
Kitty: Because you didn't give it to me.
Dr. Ashley: I most certainly did. (Kitty pulls the sample out of his coat pocket.) Well, the next time I have something to give you, you tell me.
Kitty: Will do.
He leaves
Nurse Phillips: What's his problem?
Kitty: Well you all know my theory...
They look at the cartoon but when Eric tries to see it, Kitty crumples it up.
CAFETERIA KITCHEN :
Hyde and Fez enter. Hyde's mom is stirring a pot of food
Hyde: Edna.
Edna: Steven.
Hyde: Fez, this is uh, this is my mom.
Fez: Nice to meet you Mrs. Gross Edna.
Edna: No, no, no, honey. It's Miss Gross Edna. You see, Mr. Gross Edna ran off with Ms. Perfect Ass.
Hyde: But she can laugh about it now!
Edna: Yes she can. Shut up.
Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?
Edna: (Stops stirring and looks up at Hyde) Is he kidding?
Hyde: We can never tell.
Edna: Well, knock yourself out. But if you cut off a finger, you're outta here. Steven, you can start by slicing pizza.
Hyde: Oh no, no, no. I am here as an observer, a fly on the wall, one of many.
Edna: Gee, what a surprise. Lazy, just like your father.
Hyde: No, actually, I'm lazy in a way that's entirely my own.
Fez: You two are hilarious!
Edna: Here, put these on. (She hands them gloves)
Hyde: I'm not wearing these.
Edna: Well sorry, don't blame me. It's the stupid- (She continually coughs over the food she's stirring.) It's those heath codes.
Fez: (Wearing the gloves and a hair net) May I keep these?
Edna: Sure, baby.
JOHN KELSO’S OFFICE :
Kelso: This is so cool. My dad's office. Dad's desk. Dad's phone, (picks up receiver) ding ding! My dad. (He hugs him)
John: Oh, oh.
Kelso: Yeah, I love this.
John: Yeah Michael, this is where all the magic happens.
Kelso: Ok, let's get started. Question number one, what's your job?
John: I'm a senior executive statistical analysis technician.
Kelso: You're a senior executive what?
John: Well, in plain English, I concatenate the verse statistical information to maximize the potential utilization of data.
Kelso: So, you give data.
John: A lot of people think that. No. My job's not about output, it's about throughput.
Kelso: So you throughput data.
John: Well, now you've lost me, son. Oh, listen Michael, you know the eight tracks you love so much?
Kelso: You guys make them!
John: No, but because of us, other people who make them are able to make them better.
Kelso: So you fix stuff.
John: You could say that... (Kelso starts to write) But I wouldn't. (He erases it in frustration)
BARGAIN BOB’S :
Bob is decorating with balloons
Bob: You picked a good day to do this, Donna. We're starting a three-day promotional sale. You'll finally get to see why they call me Bargain Bob!
Donna: Yeah, Dad, 'cause that's been a real stumper.
Bob: Oooh, you're such a cutie! Well, you keep your eyes peeled and your pencils sharp 'cause you're gonna learn how a serious business man operates. Oh good, the clowns are here! (Clowns walk in)
THE FORMAN’S GARAGE :
Red is working on the car. Jackie walks in
Jackie: Oh, hello, Mr. Forman, what are you doing home? That's right, you're only working part-time. If it makes you feel any better, my dad feels really, really sorry for you.
Red: Aren't you supposed to be at career day?
Jackie: No, I'm a Sophomore. I'm surprised you didn't know that about me.
Red: Right, my mistake. Listen, while you're here, why don't you shine this flashlight on that um, carburetor there.
Jackie: Like this?
The whole hood of the car is filled with light, and Red looks at Jackie. Her hair is blowing in the wind
Red: My God! One of you's not useless!
THE HOSPITAL :
Kitty is on her rounds. She checks on one patient
Kitty: (To patient) Good morning. This is my son, he's making my rounds with me. (To Eric) Now, you let me know if this gets to be too much for you.
Eric: Ok, Mom, I think I can handle it. (Kitty lifts the blanket) Oh, good God! What is that?!
They move on to a patient in a full body cast
Kitty: (To Eric) Remember this next time you wanna skateboard.
(They see another patient with Dr. Ashley.) Dr. Ashley: I have some bad news. (Kitty looks nervously at the doctor. She flips the page on his clipboard and shows him.) Oh, I have some good news!
Kitty is delivering a baby. Eric is holding the woman's hand
Kitty: Ok, now push!
Eric: Oww, ma'am you're hurting me!
Patient: You don't know what real pain is!
Eric: Ok. (Eric looks down to see the baby being delivered, screams along with the mother and then faints.)
JOHN KELSO’S OFFICE :
Kelso is still trying to find out what his dad does. John is showing him a chart
John: All right, this is the performance index before my involvement. And this is after... (He pulls a sheet of acetate over that shows the difference. It's very slight. Kelso measures the difference with his fingers.)
Kelso: Ok, ok, so you're responsible for this. (Holding up his fingers to show the change in the charts.) John: You can't credit me with that. That's probably a statistical anomaly.
Kelso: But you made the chart, right?
John: Oh, I wish!
Kelso: So do I.
CAFETERIA KITCHEN :
Fez: Question number three, was the food service industry you first career choice?
Edna: Heck no, Fez. I always wanted to go into show business. In fact, I was in the Sammy Bartlett water show at the Wisconsin Dells.
Fez: Women water skiing in bikinis, very erotic!
Edna: Anyway, I was the top girl in the pyramid, but they fired me for getting knocked up.
Hyde: Oh, let me finish this one for you, Edna. Fez, this is the story where I ruin my mother's fabulous water skiing career.
Edna: Yeah, well, you did. They said a pregnant girl on water skis would make the audience nervous.
Fez: Not to mention you were probably hideously fat.
Edna: Oh no, no, no. I looked great. I kept my weight down by smoking.
Hyde: See, that's that maternal instinct kicking in.
Edna: Yeah, you're damn right I'm maternal. I raised you alone.
Hyde: Alone? Hardly. There was "Uncle" Chet and "Uncle" Larry, oh, and "Uncle" Hot Tub Johnny.
Edna: I suppose I shoulda just become a nun when your father walked out on me?
Hyde: Hell, he must've been crazy to leave all this!
Edna: Always a smartass, Steven, just like your father!
Hyde: You know, one thing he did do right , he left! (He walks out)
Edna: All right, that's right Steven, just walk, just like everyone else!
Fez: (Who's been writing the whole time) Ok, question number four, would you say you are a people person?
THE FORMAN’S GARAGE :
Jackie is trying to loosen the lug nut on a tire
Red: Harder, come on! Give it all you got! (She loosens it) Yeah!
Jackie: Oh my God, I did it! (She hugs Red) I did it! I'm changing a tire! Oh, I feel like Nancy Drew!
Red: Well, well a girl needs to know what to do in an emergency. You know, I'm surprised that your father hasn't taught you this already.
Jackie: Yeah, well, Daddy works really hard, so he doesn't spend a lot of time with me. But he did promise me a Mustang for my birthday, so I love him.
Red: You know Jackie, I've been a father for a long time, so trust me when I tell you this. The Mustang’s front end is problematic, get yourself a Firebird.
THE HOSPITAL :
Dr. Ashley: Ok, let's start Mr. Harris on a full course of penicillin.
Kitty: Oh, Doctor you might wanna consider erythromycin.
Dr. Ashley: And why would I want to do that, Nurse? Kitty: Well, it's just that uh, Mr. Harris is allergic to penicillin and I thought that erythromycin might make him a touch less dead.
Eric: I know that when I go to the hospital, I like to not die!
JOHN KELSO’S OFFICE :
Kelso is holding his head in his hands
Kelso: Ok...Do you have customers?
John: No, they're more like clients.
Kelso: But you have clients.
John: Sort of.
Kelso: And you provide them with a product.
John: It's more like a service.
Kelso: A service.
John: Well, not-
Kelso: To maximize the potential utilization of the data.
John: If we did that, we'd go out of business.
Kelso pounds his head into the desk
THE FORMAN’S GARAGE :
Red is cleaning car parts. Hyde comes in
Hyde: Hey Red, is Forman around?
Red: No, he's with his mom for career day, which is where you're supposed to be. What's the deal?
Hyde: Man, Edna's riding me again about being just like my dad, so I just took off.
Red: Didn't your dad take off?
Hyde: Irony, far out.
Red: Look, you and your mom have a bad history and neither of you can nurture the other's self esteem because of past criticism and shame.
Hyde: Are you ok?
Red: Well, I'm working half days, I do watch a lot of Donahue.
Jackie rolls out from under the car
Jackie: Ok, I'm not sure, but I think I found the new joint.
Red: God bless you, Jackie.
Jackie: Ok, I'm going back in. (She rolls back under.)
THE HOSPITAL :
Kitty pokes her head out from a patient's room.
Kitty: Could someone please help me get Mr. Anderson on the gurney, please?
Eric: Oh, I'll give you a hand Mom.
Kitty: Ok.
They both go in. Eric grabs the man by the feet.
Eric: So, what's wrong with him?
Kitty: He's dead.
Eric: (Lets go) Oh my God! He's what? Didn't we just see this guy a half an hour ago?
Kitty: Oh, um, honey he was dead then. I just, I didn't have the heart to tell you. I'm so sorry you didn't get a chance to meet him.
Eric: Wait, Mr. Anderson? Isn't this the guy you always talked about at dinner, the guy who's daughter just got married?
Kitty: Yeah, yeah, he just showed me the pictures. It was a beautiful wedding. I'm gonna miss him. So ok, you grab that end. Let's get moving, we have to serve dinner in twenty minutes.
JOHN KELSO’S OFFICE :
He's showing Kelso some papers
John: And then we look at the chi squared here, apply the standard deviation here, and correlate the results with the actualization medium here, and that's what I do. I can't make it any clearer than that.
Kelso: I'm just gonna say you're a farmer.
BARGAIN BOB’S :
Bob is dressed as a ring master
Donna: Ok, next question. What has this job taught you?
Bob: One thing I've learned, midgets make money. I don't know why, people see a midget, they wanna buy a blender. I guess it reminds them that life is short. (he laughs) Write, write, write.
Donna: (Thinking as she writes) Marketing is important. Know your customer.
Bob: (reading over her shoulder) Hey, that's not what I said. None of this is what I said.
Donna: Well sure it is, Dad. I mean, I just cleaned up the language a bit to make you sound more dignified.
Bob: Dignified? What are you saying, you're embarrassed by me? What have I ever done that's embarrassing?
Donna: Just look around.
Bob: All right, let me tell you what I see. You see clowns, I see your tuition at Harvard. You see your dad as a ring master, I see you going to grad school. You see a chimpanzee in a tutu, ok, that just makes me laugh.
Donna: The chimp is cute.
Bob: (Takes of his hat, his perm is squashed.) The point is, Donna, you're capable of great things, and if this is what I have to do so you can achieve 'em, then that's what I'll do.
Donna: Oh geez, Dad, I feel really bad.
Bob: Ay ay, no one feels really bad around Bargain Bob...unless you get bit by a monkey.
Kitty and Eric are going home in the Toyota. Kitty is singing along with the radio
Kitty: (Singing) Bad, Bad, Blood, Blood, Is taking you for a ride. The only good thing about bad blood's lettin' it die.
Eric: Mom, how do you do this every day? You're always running around and people are sick and dying.
Kitty: (Singing) Do run, do run, di di di do run run. Do run, do run, di di di do run run.
Eric: I mean, poor Mr. Anderson. Look, you knew this guy, Mom! How do you deal with all this?
Kitty: (Singing) Here we go now. Bad (Points to Eric)
Eric: Bad.
Kitty: Blood!
Eric: Blood!
Kitty/Eric: The picture's in the smile. The lie is on the lips, such an evil child!
CAFETERIA KITCHEN :
Edna and Fez are dancing to the same song Eric and Kitty were singing to while cleaning up. Fez is about to throw some food away
Edna: Whoa, what are you doing?!
Fez: Throwing out the disgusting used meat.
Edna: No, no, no sweetie, you gotta toss that in the chili bucket. ( Pointing to a garbage pail)
Fez: The chili bucket? I thought that was the garbage.
Edna: Oh no, have you thrown a lot in there?
Fez: Some.
Edna: Well, most things just break down in there, it'll be fine.
Hyde walks in
Hyde: Hi.
Edna: Steven, you came back. You don't know what that means to me.
Hyde: Oh yeah?
Edna: Yeah. Honey, could you clean up those pizza trays, I'm gonna skip out early.
Fez: (To Hyde) Mmm, guess what I did in the chili bucket? Go 'head, guess.
Edna: (About to leave.) Uh, Steven, I'm sorry. I'm not being a very good mom, am I?
Hyde: No.
Edna: All right, I got a better idea. Let's do something together. Come on, I'll buy ya a beer.
Hyde: (Skeptical) A beer? (getting over it) Well yeah, that actually sounds great.
Edna: Come on. You got your fake I.D.?
Hyde: You know it.
Edna: That's my boy.
THE FORMAN’S BASEMENT
The gang is finishing up their reports.
Kelso: Autumn is harvest time for the farmer. At dawn, my dad and I were out in the field picking carrots fresh off the trees.
Hyde: Kelso carrots don't- (considering) That's good, you should put that down.
Donna: So what do you guys wanna do when you graduate?
Eric: Oh, um, not touch dead people, ever.
Fez: I want to go back to my homeland with all the knowledge I've learned in Wisconsin, and rule with an iron fist!
Fairgirl