(The gang is in the basement. Song: “Don’t Fear the Reaper”, Blue Öyster Cult)
Kelso: (Reading off a small box) A UNICEF contribution of thirteen cents will feed a child for a month. Man, living in Africa must be great! Everything’s so cheap.
Hyde: If you ask me, man, UNICEF’s a scam.
Donna: If we ask you, everything’s a scam.
Hyde: Everything is a scam.
Eric: Oh, lighten up. Remember how much fun Halloween used to be? Making costumes, Trick-or-Treating…
Fez: What is Trick-or-Treating?
Jackie: Well, you put on a costume, you go door to door and say, trick-or-treat! And people give you candy.
Fez: Oh, you got to be kidding me! They just give you candy?
Eric: The best part of Halloween is getting the crap scared out of you. One year, I saw “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”; I couldn’t sleep for, like, a month!
(Everyone just stares at him.)
Fez: They give you candy? Just like that, no strings?
Donna: Yes, Fez, get over it!
Jackie: Hey, you guys, you know what? My church is doing a haunted house.
Donna: I really don’t think anyone’s gonna be scared by a bunch of Episcopalians.
Kelso: Unless they have chainsaws! Let’s go see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre!
Jackie: Michael, I told you! I don’t like Texans!
Eric: I know! Uh, we can go to Old Maine.
Donna: Our old grammar school?
Eric: Yeah, sure, you know, a dark, burnt out, boarded up school, very creepy? We could, you know, we could tell ghost stories.
Fez: Free candy? Even if you’re not from this country?
Kelso: Yes!
Donna: Hey, why’d they burn down the school, anyway?
Jackie: Oh, they said it was arson.
(Everyone in the room looks in Hyde’s direction.)
Hyde: What? I was out of town that week.
Jackie: Hm. How convenient.
Fez: So you’re telling me…that if I showed up at someone’s house and say trick-or-treat, they’ll give me a free piece of candy?
Everyone: YES!
Fez: Oh, I don’t believe you.
(Cut to the inside view of a door. It opens, and Fez is standing there in a Batman costume holding an open bag. The rest of the gang is behind him in normal clothing, waiting for him to be finished.)
Fez: Trick-or-treat!
(The person dumps an apple into Fez’s bag.)
Fez: An apple? Where’s my candy, you son of a bitch?
(They slam the door in his face.)
(“That 70’s Show” Theme song plays.)
** ** **
(The movie theater. The camera is on Eric and Donna. You can hear a chainsaw revving and a scream.)
Eric: Oh, she’s very good.
Donna: I like her. I hope she lives.
(We hear a revving chain saw and another high-pitched scream.)
Donna: Huh. Oh well.
(The camera moves to Jackie and Kelso. Kelso is half covering his eyes.
Jackie: Why doesn’t anyone just shoot him? I mean it’s Texas; everyone has a gun.
(More chainsaws and screaming.)
Kelso: Yeah, yeah. This movie’s so lame.
(The camera moves over to Hyde and Fez. Fez is still dressed up as Batman.)
Hyde: Man, she deserved it. She had sex. And like all movie sluts before her, she must die.
(Revving chainsaws, another scream.)
Fez: No! She was about to take her shirt off!
** ** **
(The Formans’ house. The doorbell rings and Kitty goes to answer it. She sees all the children and smiles at them)
Kids: Trick-or-treat!
Kitty: (Laughing) Ok, here you go. Mmm! Raisins!
Kids: Eeew!
(They walk off.)
Kitty: No, raisins are good for you! Raisins are nature’s candy!
(She shuts the door and it gets hit by eggs.)
Red: And eggs are nature’s hand grenade. Kitty, don’t give ‘em raisins! It just pisses ‘em off! Jeez. I hate Halloween!
(He goes into the living room.)
Kitty: Well, you used to love Halloween! Remember that party we had when we first moved in here?
(She goes into the living room as well. As she opens the door, the screen goes from color to black and white, indicating a flashback to Halloween, 1957. Kitty enters the room dressed up as a cat and carrying bowls of food.)
Kitty: Oh. Mother Forman. I see that you let yourself in again!
Bernice: Boy! That’s an awful lot of food! I can’t imagine that you have that many friends, Kitty.
Kitty: Oh. Well, speaking of friends, how are your four cats?
(She laughs at her joke. Red walks in with his friend, Frank, carrying beer.)
Red: Hey, Frank, uh, pull my finger!
Frank: No way. You were killing me in the car, man!
Kitty: Oh, good, you’re home!
(She runs up to Red and gives him a hug and a kiss.)
Frank: Hey, Kitty! I like your outfit. You’re a kitty!
Kitty: Yes, I am, Frank. And what are you?
Frank: Bum. I’m a bum!
Kitty: And I knew that! (Turning to Red) Red, honey, um…I-I could, I could use some help here.
(She indicates Bernice.)
Red: Uh, gee, Kitty, I’d really like to help you out, but, uh, we gotta take these out to the garage and get plowed!
(He and Frank walk out.)
Bernice: He is such a good boy!
(The phone rings. Kitty answers it.)
Kitty: Hello?…Oh, hi, Dr. Ferrell…Hm. Really?…(She turns away from Bernice and smiles.)…Oh my god! Oh! Thank you! Thank you, doctor!…Yeah, thank you! (She hangs up. She looks worried as she turns back to Bernice.) Wrong number.
Bernice: Oh, god. No! You’re pregnant!
Kitty: Yes, I am.
Bernice: Do you know who the father is?
Kitty: You know what I hear is nice? Florida!
(She walks out of the room.)
** ** **
(Back to color. The old school. The gang is lurking around with flashlights. Fez is still dressed up as Batman.)
Fez: Look at this dump! No wonder Hyde tried to burn it down!
Eric: You know, Fez, a man died in that fire. A gym teacher. Coach…Smith. Some say his specter still roams the halls to this day.
Hyde: (Holding the flashlight under his face, and making his voice quiver.) Take a laaaaap! Give me twenty, walk it oooooff!
Kelso: All right, guys, let’s just cut it out, ok? (Toughening up) You’re scaring the women! (Just then, a windowpane falls down. Kelso bolts, pushing Jackie into Fez.) OUT OF MY WAY!!
Hyde: Kelso, it was the window!
Kelso: (Poking his head into the room from the hallway.) Yeah! I know that.
Jackie: Out of my way?
Kelso: No, I didn’t say that!
Fez: Yes you did, right before you knocked her over.
Kelso: No! I, I was protecting you!
Jackie: Protecting me?
Kelso: Yeah! I was trying to draw the ghost away from you. Ghosts are attracted to movement, and that’s a scientific fact!
Jackie: You know what, I don’t care! You are an idiot and science is stupid! (She marches toward the door.) Donna, let’s go.
Donna: Gee, wonder what we’re gonna talk about.
(They walk out of the room.)
Hyde: (Shining the flashlight again and shaking his voice) You’re dooooomed!
(Cut to Jackie and Donna in a different room.)
Jackie: God, I can’t believe Michael pushed me out of the way like that!
Donna: Me neither! I figured he’d use you as a human shield!
Jackie: Donna, the most noble thing a man can do is lay down his life for the woman he loves. Ideally, while she’s still young and can remarry! Do you know who protected me there? Fez.
Donna: Well, he had to; he’s Batman.
** ** **
(The other room where the guys are. They’re seated around a table telling ghost stories. The camera swings from person to person in the familiar “getting high” style.)
Eric: And the man said, "Here's your daughter's sweater. She left it in mycar, last night." And the woman said, "Why, that's impossible. My daughter died ten years ago. Wearing that...very...sweater."
Hyde: So?
Eric: So, she was dead. And…he gave her a ride. And she was dead!
Fez: When I was six, the mayor of our town was hung from a tree. Your story was not scary.
Eric: Not scary? The ghost of a dead girl gave him her sweater!
Hyde: What does a ghost need with a sweater, man?
Kelso: Maybe it’s to keep her guts from falling out.
Fez: You can tell it was not scary because Michael-ina here did not run screaming for the door!
Kelso: Hey. Where’s it written that a guy has to protect his girl? Huh? And I’ll have you now that the feminine form of my name is Michelle.
Hyde: Look, Michelle. I don’t wanna come out in favor of saving Jackie, but that’s the price you pay for docking your love boat in Jackie-vyarta.
Eric: Ok. So, Icabod Crane lived in the village of Sleepy Hollow.
Fez: Wait, don’t tell me. He left his jacket somewhere!
Eric: Ok, that’s it. Halloween’s over. There’s just, there’s nothing that scares us anymore.
(Donna and Jackie walk in holding some yellow folders.)
Donna: Hey, guys. We found something scary.
Jackie: Yeah, it was in the principal’s office.
(Donna puts the folders on a table. Eric shines his flashlight on them.)
Eric: Oh my god, those look like…like…
Donna: They are. Our permanent records.
** ** **
(The gang is examining the folders.)
Kelso: Wow. Our permanent records! Oh, you know what? They probably left these here after the school burned down.
Hyde: Hey! Pinciotti, Donna. (He picks up a folder and looks in it.) Well! Looks like someone we know had a real hard time keeping her clothes on in kindergarten!
Donna: What? (She grabs the folder.) That was just a stupid phase.
Eric: Sure glad that’s over.
Kelso: Well, listen to this: (Reading from another folder) I fear that despite Steven’s high IQ, he’s a born trouble maker and is destined to be the smartest man! (Hyde smiles, but Kelso is not done reading.) In his cellblock!
Hyde: What? They couldn’t have known that in second grade. (He grabs the folder from Kelso and reads from it.) Steven willfully and maliciously destroyed Christine DelBueno’s shoebox diorama of the four food groups.
Donna: You’re a monster. A horrible, horrible monster.
Hyde: Yeah, real funny, but I didn’t do it.
Eric: You know what’s really funny, Hyde?
Hyde: What, Forman?
Eric: Heh heh. I broke the diorama.
(Hyde looks up from the folder)
Hyde: You?
(Lightning flashes in the window.)
Eric: Hers was better than mine. I had to smash it. I left out dairy.
Hyde: You know, that’s when everybody turned against me. They pegged me as a bad kid. And once that happens, you’re labeled forever. You ruined my life, Forman!
Jackie: No, he didn’t! Hyde, no offense, but with an alcoholic mom and an absent dad, you were bound to end up in jail sooner or later. (Hyde glares at her.) Hyde, I said no offense.
Hyde: Yeah, right, let’s see what that file says about you, Jackie.
(He picks up a folder and flips through it.)
Jackie: Go ahead, I have a perfect record.
Hyde: Would anybody like to know what Jackie’s middle name is?
(Jackie screams.)
Hyde: Jackie’s middle name is…
Jackie: No! (She throws her hands around Hyde’s throat. The camera focuses on the wall, where all we can see is their shadows. Jackie beats him down with her flashlight.) Oh, I hate you!
(Hyde lies still for a few seconds, then he sits up.)
Hyde: It’s Buela!
** ** **
(Back to the black and white flashback. Some kids ring the doorbell and Kitty answers it.)
Kids: Trick-or-treat!
Kitty: Oh, you look so cute in your little costumes!
(Red and Frank jump in the doorway and shriek. The kids run away, scared.)
Red: Damn, Frank, that’s funny! Look, he lost his candy!
(Kitty walks away from the door.)
Kitty: Oh, that was not funny, Red. Those were just little kids.
Red: Well, that’s what makes it funny!
Kitty: Well, think about it, honey, would it be funny if it were your own kids?
Red: But I don’t have kids.
Kitty: Well, you might!
Red: What are you saying?
Kitty: I’m saying…I’m pregnant!
Red: Oh, no! (Seeing Kitty’s dejected face) No! I mean, uh…oh, crap.
Kitty: Yeah.
(She walks away.)
** ** **
(The school. Hyde and Eric are staring at each other.)
Fez: All right, nobody move! Somebody took my last box of Sugar Babies! (pause) Oh, no, wait! I was sitting on them!
Hyde: Gee, Fez. You didn’t give Forman a chance to pin it on me.
Eric: I didn’t pin anything on you!
Hyde: No? Well, when Mrs. Hodgekis was yelling at me in front of the whole class, you didn’t exactly step up and take responsibility. What were you thinking?
Eric: Hm, I guess I was thinking, I’m seven!
Kelso: Hey, hey, hey! Let’s not fight, all right! It’s Halloween, man! It’s time for peace on earth and good will towards men! Let’s read another file.
Donna: Yeah, ‘cause that’s working out great so far.
Kelso: All right, fine! I’ll read from my own, okay? (He picks up his own folder and looks at it.) Oh, okay. Here’s a secret you guys don’t know about me ‘cause it happened the year before I moved here. When I was in first grade I used to wear this red cape to school and pretend I was Superman.
Fez: Must’ve looked really stupid.
(He fixes his Batman gloves and stretches out his fingers.)
Eric: Wait, w-wait, first grade?
Kelso: Yeah.
Eric: No, no, no, when you moved here you and I were in first grade, that’s how we met.
Kelso: No, we didn’t.
(Eric grabs the folder and reads from it.)
Eric: Man, you had to repeat first grade?
Jackie: Oh my god! Michael, say it’s not true!
Kelso: It was, it was cursive writing, all right? All those…stupid…squiggles and bumps! I wouldn’t do it!
Hyde: You mean you couldn’t do it.
Kelso: No, I wouldn’t do it, and that’s why they held me back! Plus, I might’ve killed the class bunny. (Breaking down.) WHY??
(Fez walks over to him to comfort him.)
Fez: It’s ok, Kelso, let it out.
Kelso: It sucked, you know. Living this lie, pretending to be a year younger than I really am.
Hyde: Wait a minute. You’re eighteen?
Kelso: Yeah. I mean, that’s why I’ve always seemed more mature than you guys.
Hyde: Are you telling me that all this time you could’ve been buying us beer?
Fez: (Backing away from him) You bastard!
Kelso: What-no! No, it’s not what you think!
Hyde: You’re dead to me.
Kelso: But Eric ruined your life!
Hyde: And if I had a beer, I could be getting over it right now. Beer!
Eric: Beer!
(They advance on Kelso. Jackie runs in front of him to stop them.)
Jackie: All right! All right! Everybody just leave him alone! Ok? Because he may be a liar, but at least he’s not a back stabber like Eric.
Donna: Stay outta this, Buela.
Jackie: Oh, don’t call me that.
Donna: Oh, sorry! Buela.
Jackie: Fine! You know what? Donna kissed Hyde last year.
Eric: What?
Jackie: Don’t mess with me!
Donna: That’s…that’s a lie, Hyde kissed me.
Eric: Well, that is just so much better! (Turning to Hyde) How could, how could you do this, man?
Hyde: Guess I’m just a born trouble maker. Or maybe you turned me into one.
Donna: You are so dead, Buela!
Kelso: Hey, hey! Leave her alone, all right?
Donna: Ok, yeah. Jackie told me Fez was a better kisser than you, Kelso.
Kelso: Ah!
Eric: (Getting Donna’s attention) Were you ever gonna tell me about Hyde?
Hyde: Hurts when your friends stab you in the back, don’t it?
Eric: How would I know? I have no friends! Let’s go, pal!
(The room erupts into shouts as they fight with each other.)
Fez: STOP IT!! Can’t you see what is happening? Those permanent records are tearing us apart.
Eric: Batman’s right.
Hyde: Look what we’ve become.
Donna: We’re like animals.
Kelso: Those files…are evil, man.
Jackie: We’ve gotta destroy them.
Eric: But how, Jackie? How?
Fez: Oh my god, now my Sugar Babies really are gone!
(Hyde slowly hands Fez his box of sugar babies.)
** ** **
(Back to the black and white flashback. Kitty is leaning on the car outside. Red comes out.)
Red: Kitty, I’m really sorry about what I said.
Kitty: You mean, “oh no” and “crap”?
Red: Right, that’s it. I’m sorry, it’s just…it was a big shock, you know?
Kitty: It was a really big shock for me, too and I said, “Oh, good!” And “yay!”
Red: No, I…I feel like that, too…it’s just that I…well, I…I needed a minute for it to sink in. But once it sunk in I realized I was really happy.
Kitty: You really mean that?
Red: Of course I do. It’s gonna be great! I can’t wait to be a father!
(Frank walks out of the house holding a funnel attached to a hose type thing.)
Frank: Hey, Red! Great news! I found a way to drink beer faster! Come on!
Red: Go home, Frank. I’m busy!
Frank: Ok! Yeah!
(He goes back in the house.)
Kitty: Oh, wow. I think you’re maturing!
Red: Well, you know, the truth is, Frank’s getting on my nerves a little bit. I mean, he’s kinda…he’s kinda, he’s an ass.
Kitty: Yeah.
Red: And he’s dumb. He’s a…(A light shines on him and a chorus sings.)…dumbass! (He looks at Kitty.) Hey. Come here.
(They go out into the driveway and dance for a bit, then kiss. As they kiss, the screen goes from black and white to color, indicating the end of the flashback.)
Red: And then you gave birth to a beautiful daughter!
Kitty: Uh-huh.
Red: And then Eric.
Kitty: Who is just wonderful!
Red: And I’ve grown up a lot since then!
(Just then, their car gets egged.)
Red: Oh, you’re dead, kid!
** ** **
(The gang is circled around a hole in the ground. A wolf howls. Jackie looks nervous.)
Jackie: Michael, I’m cold. And this is stupid! We should just burn the files.
Kelso: Jackie, they’ve already been in a fire. They can’t be destroyed that way.
Hyde: See you in Hell, permanent records.
(He dumps them into the hole.)
Eric: And we have to swear we’ll never speak of this ever again.
Donna: Except the part about Kelso buying us beer.
Eric: Yeah, naturally. But otherwise it’s like…this night never happened, ok?
Everyone: Ok.
(There are a few moments of silence.)
Hyde: Buela.
(Jackie attacks Hyde.)
END
