KITCHEN
LAURIE: So, look at us. This is just like a Norman Rockwell painting. Mom is serving breakfast, daddy is reading the newspaper and brother Eric is trying to hide a big purple nasty hickey!
ERIC: Hickey? I don't have a hickey...
LAURIE: You know Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things.
RED: For God 's sakes, don't let Donna suck your neck. She's a nice girl.
ERIC: I don't have a hickey! I was using a curling iron.
KITTY: Oh well, will you just look at that? (licks fingers and touches Eric's neck)
ERIC: NO! Mom!
KITTY: Red, remember that time....
RED interrupts: No and neither do you!
KITTY: Okay! Hahaha. So, uhm Laurie, what's on the agenda today?
LAURIE: Agenda?
KITTY: A list of goals or actions one might feel good about achieving so as to... Eric, you tell her.
LAURIE: Mom, come on, relax, I'm still getting used to being back home.
ERIC: Yea, flunkin' out of college can be draining *phew*
RED: Eric!
ERIC: Come on, that was so mild!
KITTY: Laurie all you do is sit around the house and watch television you should come down to the hospital and volunteer.
RED: She's right Laurie!
LAURIE: Daddy ! (behind Kitty's back, Red gestures he didn't mean it) You know, I think Eric needs an agenda. Look at his neck!
ERIC: It's a birthmark! It's been there sinds birth!
HYDE enters kitchen: Goodmorning class.
LAURIE: Good morning, orphan.
HYDE: Goodmorning
LAURIE: That's all you got?
HYDE *yawns*: Whore!
LAURIE: Mom, he called me a whore!
KITTY: Yeah. Stephen, honey, you're too young for coffee, have some juice.
HYDE: Mrs. Foreman, I need coffee. Your son kept me up all night bragging about his hickey.
OPENING CREDITS
ERIC's BASEMENT
JACKIE: Okay, whatever you do Eric, do NOT wear turtlenecks to school okay, that's a dead giveaway. Yea, I'd put on a decorative scarf.
ERIC: Thank you.
DONNA: Do you have to tell everyone about the hickey?
ERIC: Well, everyone can kinda see it, Vampirette. Laurie had a field day at breakfast.
HYDE: Yeah, I hopped on that dog pile too.
ERIC: You sure did, you dillhole.
HYDE: All right Foreman, that was sort of mean. Probably what I should have said is: I'm sick of shearing a room with you and all of your disgusting fluids and gasses.
ERIC: Oh, and yours are just dreamy Hyde.
FEZ: Excuse me. May I please have a hickey please?
DONNA: No
FEZ: Please?
DONNA: No!
FEZ: Jackie?
JACKIE: No!
FEZ: Please?
JACKIE: No!
FEZ: So, the two of you do things to please your man. Well Fez is a man, why do you not please him? Why?
KELSO: Jackie! Just give him a hickey.
JACKIE: Okay. I'm going home.
DONNA: Me too. I've gotta go shopping with my mom, suddenly it's like really important we're being best friends.
ERIC: What happened?
DONNA: She's been reading.
ERIC: Reading... Dammit, when will they learn?
Donna and Jackie leave
KELSO starts rummaging the dryer: Finally! I thought that Jackie would never leave!
ERIC: Okay Kelso, what are you doing?
KELSO: Ah, I need a sexy memento from Laurie. I gotta commemorate our forbidden love. Panties!
ERIC: Fine! Just take your panties and go home.
Kelso is fumbling the panties in his pants pocket
ERIC: Man! Those are my moms!
KELSO: AHHHH! *throws panties back in dryer*
HYDE: Okay Foreman look man, I'm not telling you how to live your life, but if someone touched MY moms panties, pf
ERIC: Hyde, didn't everyone touch your moms panties?
KELSO: Uhuhahahaha. (Hydes look at him) Man, that was a burn!
HYDE: Okay, Foreman, I have a solution to this whole you-being-a-pain-in-my-ass-we-shareing-a-room-thing. You move out.
ERIC: Of my room?
HYDE: Yea.
ERIC: Well that's just not gonna happen.
HYDE: Hey fine, I move out of it, you big baby.
ERIC: Still friends?
HYDE: I need time to heal.
KELSO with pink panties in his hand: Okay, these are Laurie's right?
HYDE: Kelso, what exactly are you gonna do with those panties?
KELSO: Just....look at 'm...(fumbles them into his pocket)
FEZ: Kelso, did you ever notice that Laurie and Eric have the same eyes? So if you're doing it with Laurie and she's perhaps wearing a hat it's kinda like you're doing it with Eric too! *Fez starts laughing, the others just stare at him. Fez gets up and leaves*
PINCIOTTI CAR
DONNA: So.... Here we are....Together.... Again.
MIDGE: Hmm, I'm just loving the time we spend together Donna. In my new book 'Our Mothers, Our Selves' it says we're supposed to be friends. We should talk to each other, and listen. You're stupid father never listens.
DONNA: Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father?
MIDGE: Well I don't know, I've only read the first chapter. Oh, okay, no more talking about your father. So, how do you like the clogs I bought you?
DONNA: They're awesome!
MIDGE: Good! Cause your father's an ass !
FORMAN LIVINGROOM
Hydes come in with a bed, he sets it up behind the couch, yawns, streches, hits Eric on the head and lays down. Laurie comes down the stairs, grabs the remote from Eric and takes a seat.
ERIC: Kelso took your underwear.
LAURIE: Uhh that's like the third pair!
ERIC: Urgh.
Hyde gets up, takes his bed and leaves.
ERIC: Gimme the remote control!
LAURIE: Gimme a reason why I shouldn't set you on fire!
Pauze. Eric grabs a pillow and puts it on Lauries face. Red enters and Eric lets Laurie go. Red grabs Eric:
RED: All right Laurie, take your best shot!
*doorbell*
KITTY walks in from the kitchen to get the door: Oh Red, we talked about this, let him go! *opens door*
PROFESSOR: Hello Laurie, I apologize for coming unannounced, but I ....
LAURIE looks horrified: Mum, daddy ! This is professor Stark, he was my art history teacher!
STARK: Well actually I was your psychology teacher.
ERIC: Whatever you taught her, she flunked it!
RED: Eric! So, you're from the university of Wisconsin. Are you here to give me back my money?
STARK: Well actually I came here because of Laurie...
LAURIE: Oh yes, he came to see if the university would take me back!
KITTY: Really? Oh please, here, have a seat! I'll make coffee, and cake, I'll make coffeecake and coffee! Hahaha! Oh gosh really, can you get her back into the university and out of my house? Hahaha
STARK: Well, I'm going to try my darndest!
RED: Well this is really good news!
ERIC: One of the best things I've ever heard.
STARK: Yes it is. I want to get Laurie back in school.
ERIC: Professor, question, how lame exactly is your student body if you're trying to get this dumb cow ba....
RED: Eric ! Don't be a smarthmouth, we've got....company.
KITTY: Yea, go make coffee. (To Eric): Don't scare him off, he's our only hope! So uhm, maybe you could stay for dinner
STARK: Well yes thank you, that would be lovely. Oh, and I believe these paint chips are yours.
KITTY: Well, these are, are the colour of our front door, aren't they?
STARK: Yeah, you had a paint chip hanging from your front door so I .. I started to peel it and I guess I got a little over zealouse *starts peeling candle on the table*
KITTY: Uhmmm psychology huh?
STARK: Yes yes, human ?? fascinate me
PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM
Bob on the couch, Donna and Midge enter
DONNA: Hey dad.
BOB: Where have you two been?
DONNA: Mom bought me these clogs aren't they great?
BOB: Oh. She bought you clogs. With my money. So officially, I bought you clogs.
MIDGE: No Bob, I bought her the clogs.
BOB gets up: Get in the car Donna! I'M gonna buy you something.
DONNA: Actually Dad, I've got homework and....
BOB: Do you love your daddy?
DONNA: Yes. Let's go.
MIDGE: Looks like you're going shopping with the big ASS.
RED & KITTY's BEDROOM
Red sits in a chair reading magazine. Hydes enters with his bed, sets it up and lays on it.
RED (without looking at Hyde): I don't think so.
Hyde picks up his bed and leaves
FORMAN KITCHEN
KITTY: Eric I need you to go to the store and get me three pounds of ground beef, lean
ERIC: Mom, look, before you go into twenty cents a gram ground beef, this guy is not going to get Laurie back in college, she’s stupid and evil. Mostly stupid.
KITTY: Eric she is not stupid. She’s just…she has….special…. Just go!
ERIC turns around and hits Hyde’s bed: Hyde! (Hyde gets up, again)
KITTY: Oh, honey, just share the room with Eric.
HYDE: No thank you. I’m fine.
(He storms out of the kitchen with his bed, and breaks something on the way out)
OUTSIDE
Eric gets in the car, and looks the side-mirror. He sees Laurie and prof. Stark kissing passionately in the garage
ERIC: Eeuuuwww! (looks again and smiles) Busted!
ERIC’s BASEMENT
KELSO: No way!
ERIC: Yep, Laurie and her professor, tongueing in the garage like hungry dogs. It was really disgusting.
KELSO: No! No, you see because Laurie wouldn’t just make out with some old guy. She wouldn’t do that.
HYDE: No, it’s true man. I was in the upstairs closet trying out my cot, and I saw them. It was like live porno. But not good porno which is like really really old. It was like, old bad porno.
JACKIE: Michael, why do you care if Laurie kisses the professor?
HYDE: Yea Kelso, why do you care?
KELSO: Well….because. You see it’s wrong for an old person to make out with an innocent young student.
HYDE: God, you’re nobel.
JACKIE: Innocent?! Okay, Eric no offence, but your sister is as slutty as they come.
KELSO: Eric are you gonna let her say that about your sister?
ERIC: Sure.
HYDE: Hey, Forman, did you realise that there’s a room back here man? (Turns on light) And it barely stinks! (Goes into room)
ERIC: PERFECT! You can sit right back beneath your bare bulb writing angry letters to the government.
HYDE from room: Oh don’t think I won’t !
ERIC: You see what’s beautiful here people? I finally have somtehing on Laurie. I own her, oh yeah! She is so screwed!
KELSO: All right, just be nice.
Fez come in and shows a hickey on his arm: Look! Did everyone see my hickey? Somebody loves me.
ERIC: Moron, you gave that to yourself. It’s still wet.
FEZ: O no I did not! Somebody loves me. There is a lady love. There is !
PINCIOTTI CAR
BOB: So, you like the shirt I bought ya?
DONNA: It’s very nice
BOB: I wasn’t sure because you didn’t put it on in the store, like you did with the clogs.
Donna grabs her head in despair and starts smashing her head into the dashboard
BOB: I knew it. You hate the shirt!
Donna keeps hitting her hands on the dashboard
HYDES ROOM
HYDE: Nice digs huh!
ERIC : It’s perfect. This is where we put all our old crap we just can’t throw away. Like you.
HYDE: Forman, is it just me, or do your mum and dad like me a whole lot better then they like you?
ERIC: You see I kid, but...you hurt
KITTY (from outside): Boys! Dinner!
HYDE: All right man, you ready to make Laurie sqeal like the family pig?
ERIC: Ohhhhh. Yes.
HYDE: You're gonna punk out, aren't you?
ERIC: Well it is my nature.
HYDE: Look Forman, you've always been the run for the litter. This is your chance to bite the big dog on the ass. So my advice to you is, bite the big dog on the ass!
ERIC: Okay, what if I let her of with a warning, you know, just this one time.
HYDE: Well that would be the mature choice (slaps Eric in the face) But not EVIL! You gotta think EVIL man! Where would we be without the A-bomb?
ERIC: Actually the world was all that won but...
HYDE: Shut up! Now listen, lets review.
(They sit down and Lauries head appears above them)
LAURIE: Daddy, Eric has dirty magazines under his bed.
LAURIE: Daddy, Eric snuck out last night.
LAURIE: Daddy, I saw Eric drinking all your beer.
LAURIE: Daddy, Eric made it hard for me to concentrate so I flunked out of college.
LAURIE: Daddy, Eric used all my handlotion...
(Eric looks at Hyde): Okay that bitch is dead!
FORMAN's DINING ROOM
The family sits at the dinner table. Prof. Stark is fidgeting with his bread.
KITTY: So, this news of Laurie leaving is just a little ray of sunshine! Hahaha!
RED: Well I just wished that more teachers cared about their students like you do. I think it all started going downhill when youn couldn't paddle the kids anymore.
ERIC: Hehehe. Pansy-ass supreme court.
RED: Shut up.
HYDE: Hey Forman, he who hesitates is boned.
STARK: Laurie is one of the most gifted women in my class. I've always enjoyed having her.
ERIC (to Laurie) : I own you.
Stark keeps fondling his bread.
KITTY: Is there something wrong with the bread?
STARK: No. Why? (keeps picking it)
ERIC: O, Laurie. I know something that you don't know that I know. You know. Yes yes.
HYDE: Tell us Forman, so that we can all know.
LAURIE: You don't know anything. And if you do know something, I will make you sorry you were ever born!
ERIC: Well for your information, I'm already sorry I was ever born!
RED: Eric!
ERIC: See!
RED: So, what does she need to do to get back into school?
STARK: Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment..to school. She'll really have to buckle down.
KITTY: Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?
ERIC: Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.
LAURIE thinking: Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!
ERIC: It was just...it was so surprising.
HYDE: Oh Eric, do tell!
ERIC: I saw Laurie....
STARK: I'm love with your daughter!
Red gets up from the table, as does professor Stark. They walk towards eachother
STARK: Dad!
RED: That's it! Come here!!
Red starts to attack him and professor Stark bolts out the room.
PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM
Midge is on the couch, Donna and Bob enter
MIDGE: Did you two have fun?
DONNA: A blast.
MIDGE: Donna, that shirt your father bought you makes you look so fat.
BOB: Yeah well, those clogs make you look like a duck.
DONNA: Okay, you know what? Both you guys really need to shut up. I'm so sick of hearing you fight. Do you even know what you are fighting about?
BOB: Oh, I know she started it!
MIDGE: I only got mad cause I knew you were gonna get mad.
DONNA: Allright okay, you know what WHATEVER, just no more fighting with eachother through me. Got it? (Bob and Midge nod, Donna starts to leave the room) Althought I would like you to continue buying me things, I mean, thank you! (Donna leaves)
BOB hums: She likes the shirt better...
MIDGE: You're an ass Bob!
BOB: Oeh, good comeback!
They keep making gestures at eachother, Midges leaves, Bob blows her a raspberry and leaves in the opposite direction.
FORMAN DOORWAY
STARK: Mister Forman, I really wanna get Laurie back in school!
Red kicks him out, and slams the door shut
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
KITTY: Oh for Gods sake Laurie, the man is in love with you and you still couldn't pass!
RED walks up to Laurie: So?
LAURIE (almost crying): So I guess I disappointed you Daddy... I'm really sorry, I just wish he wouldn't have taken advantage of me and my love for education.
ERIC: Huh that is just so ???
RED: Well, I guess you're not the first student to be taken advantage of by a teacher.
ERIC: O, wait, where are you going Dad?
RED: Just try not to be too hard on yourself.
ERIC: No! Nooo! NOOOO!
LAURIE: And the really sad thing is, Eric saw him kiss me today. And he didn't even TRY to stop him!
ERIC: Cause she wanted it!
RED: You knew about this and you didn't do anything?! She's your sister!
LAURIE (tearful): Yea Eric, why?!
RED: I'll deal with you later Eric! Come on Laurie, I'll make you a cup of coffee and explain to you the nature of men. Something I thought you already knew but apparantly you don't. (He leaves the livingroom)
LAURIE (normal voice): Oh, Eric, I forgive you. (walks after Red)
HYDE (to Eric): Well this is unforgivable. In fact you SUCK! I'll be in my room (leaves)
Eric walks up to Kitty who is on the couch: Oh, mom. O, my God, mom (sits down next to Kitty) I had her in my sights! (Kitty nods yes) I mean she was right in the cross there!
KITTY: O honey, you know I love you and your sister equally, but if you ever get an opportunity again, for Gods sake pull the trigger!
THE END
