HIGH SCHOOL CAR PARK
Kelso and Hyde are sitting on the VistaCruiser
KELSO: Man, where the hell is Eric? I gotta get outta here before Jackie finds me.
HYDE: What did you do now?
KELSO: She’s mad because I didn’t say love you after lunch. I say it all day long, after gym “love you Jackie”, after algebra “love you Jackie”. After I say love you Jackie I say love you Jackie! It sickens me!
HYDE: Hey man, check it out, foggy windows!
KELSO: Bummer, someone must have left their hot lucheon in the car.
HYDE: No you idiot, someone is in there making out man!
Patty comes out of the car
HYDE: Patty!
PATTY: Hyde! Hey, how ya’ doin’ ?
HYDE: Super.
PATTY: Okay, wel I’ll see ya’ (she leaves)
KELSO: Hey didn’t you go out with that girl?
HYDE: I don’t think so.
KELSO: Yeah, that’s the girl that dogged you on that blind date!
HYDE: Kelso, who cares?! Hey let’s see what loser she ended up with.
KELSO: Yeah (Hyde gets up and opens the car door)
FEZ (getting out of the car): Hello.
KELSO: BURN! (Hyde looks at him) Hey man, that’s a burn!
OPENING CREDITS
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red and Kitty at the table, Eric walks in
KITTY: Eric honey? I was thinking maybe tomorrow night we could go shopping, just the two of us.
ERIC: Why?
KITTY: Well because we need to get you some new shoes and some underwear.
RED: Kitty, we bought him shoes last year.
ERIC: Yeah, and I can shop for my own underwear.
KITTY: Oh no you cannot. The last time you went you bought them too snug and I want grandchildren.
ERIC: Yeah... Well I have to... Bye! (he leaves)
KITTY: You know, he used to love going shopping with me.
RED: Well Kitty he’s sixteen...
KITTY: Seventeen.
RED: Whatever, the point is when a boy hits that age, they don’t wanna spend time with their mother. And if they do, they’re weird! It’s not a big deal.
KITTY: Well it is a big deal to me Red Forman! It is a big deal!
Red: Okay...
KITTY: Well I just...I just wish sometimes he would want to spend time with me.
RED: Well force him! It doens’t matter what he wants, as long as we’re paying his way, we own him.
FORMAN BASEMENT
Eric and Donna on the couch, Jackie on a chair
ERIC: Fez has a girlfriend? Our little Fez?
JACKIE: You’re kidding! (Donna and Eric look at her) I mean GOOD! That he was so in love with me was getting embarrassing.
ERIC: Riiiight. So anyways, you guys. How do you know when you need new underwear?
DONNA: Uh...if you're asking...you need new underwear.
Fez and Patty come in
FEZ: Oh good, people are here. I want you to meet my GIRLFRIEND Patty. This is Eric, Eric this is my GIRLFRIEND, this is Donna, Donna this is my....giiiirlfriend...
DONNA: So you guys are just friends?
FEZ: Nooooo Donna!
DONNA: Fez, I'm kidding! How's it going Patty?
PATTY: Good.
FEZ: I have to be honest with you people, Patty and I were just outside making out, beacuse Patty's my giiiiiirlfriend.
JACKIE (storms in): Hi I'm Jackie, I'm sure Fez has told all about me!
PATTY: Uhm no, no your name never came up.
JACKIE: What?! Well...whatever.
FEZ: Okay, isn't this pleasant. Patty have a seat.
JACKIE (to Fez): Fez, she's lovely, I'm impressed.
FEZ: Uhm Jackie, I'm really to busy right now, okay thank you (he hugs Patty)
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red, Hyde, Kitty and Eric are having dinner
ERIC: So Hyde, what is with Fez and that girl? Did you really go out with her?
HYDE: Yeah, no biggie. She sucked anyway, he can have her.
KITTY: So Fez has a girlfriend?
ERIC: Still, what's that about Fez snagging a girl away from you, I never thought I'd see the day.
KITTY: So what's she like?
ERIC: It's just so twilightzone, I mean, to see Fez and...
RED: Eric! Your mother asked you a question about the foreign kid.
ERIC: What? Oh.
KITTY: Never mind.
RED: Okay, that's it. Eric, you're gonna spend some time with your mother.
ERIC: What did I do?!
KITTY: Red! Don't make it sound like a punishment!
RED: Well it is!
KITTY: Red!
RED: You can look at it any way you want, but it's gonna happen dammit!
ERIC: Wait, wait, is this because I didn't want to go shopping with mom?
HYDE: You don't wanna go shopping with your mom?! Boy, I tell ya, if I had a mom, I would go shopping with her every single day, because no one loves you like your mom.
KITTY: That's true...Eric honey, we don't have to go shopping. We could go see a movie. It'll be like a little date.
ERIC: No no no! Shopping's great! You know I uh need new underwear so...
HYDE: I think a date is a great idea. Hey, you guys should go see Annie Hall, I think you'll just love it Mrs. Forman.
RED: See, Stephen's helping out.
ERIC: Thank you Stephen.
KITTY: Now Annie Hall, I would like to see that movie.
RED: Oh Eric's just dying to see that movie.
ERIC: But...I don't...
RED: JUST DYING!
FORMAN BASEMENT
Patty and Jackie are talking, Hyde is putting stuff in the dryer.
PATTY: Uhm I guess Fez really got me with all of the poems he left at my locker.
JACKIE: Ohhh that is so romantic!
PATTY: Well doesn't Kelso write you poems?
JACKIE: No. No, but hes not foreign.
HYDE: Hey can we talk about something interesting? Like Donny Osmond?
KELSO: Hey you guys, The Eagles are on Don Caruso's (?) rock concert tonight.
ERIC: Man, I'm gonna miss The Eagles tonight because I got a... I'm busy.
DONNA: Do we have a date tonight?
ERIC: No I wish. I'm going to a movie. With my mom.
HYDE: He's got a special night out with mommy.
KELSO (reading a TV magazine): Hey, maybe you'll get lucky.
They all look at him in disgust, Kelso keeps on reading until he notices them looking
KELSO: And your mom will pay for the movie!! God, you people are sick!
JACKIE: Patty, you know we should really go to the mall together, I can introduce you...
FEZ (interrupting Jackie): Are you ready darling?
JACKIE: Excuse me Fez, I was talking.
FEZ: Oh I know Jackie. You are always talking.
JACKIE: OH!
KELSO: BURN! (Jackie turns around and looks very angry) Sorry, I just appreciate a good burn!
ERIC: So, where are you guys going?
FEZ: We are going to the Red Lobster for a romantic dinner of red lobster.
PATTY: See you guys later! (they leave)
JACKIE: Okay, I don't like her. And I don't see why we have to be so nice to her. Just because she is dating someone in our group.
HYDE: Bites the big one doesn't it? Well I gotta go to work.
JACKIE: Am I right Donna? Don't you hate her?
DONNA: Not really Jackie, I kinda like her.
Jackie hits Kelso
KELSO: Hey what was that for?!
JACKIE: That's for not writing me poems Michael!
KELSO:....love you Jackie...
THE PHOTO HUT
Hyde and Leo are playing a game of LIFE
HYDE: Leo, did you take your turn yet man?
LEO: No man, I can't decide between 'college' or 'career'.
HYDE: Well we can't start until you decide, so choose man, or I'll start working.
LEO: Hey, don't rush me man, this decision is gonna effect the rest of my life.
HYDE: Go to college.
LEO: Okay. But what if those frat-guys make fun of my hair? And beat me up like, like fascists and stuff.
HYDE: Well then just start a career.
LEO: I can't let those frat-guys get away with it man.
HYDE: Leo man, it's just a game.
LEO: Yeah, Life is hard.
RESTAURANT
Eric and Kitty are sitting at a table eating pizza.
KITTY: Well now see, I didn't know that you liked green peppers. When did that happen?
ERIC: August 5th, 1972. I mean, I mean do you like green peppers?
KITTY: Why yes I do. Very much. So how is Donna?
ERIC: What?! We haven't done anything yet. What?
KITTY: Relax! I'm not here to grill you about your life Eric. But you know, young adults do have a responsibility...
ERIC: MOM! Please!
They eat in silence for a while
KITTY: Honey, you may not realise it right now, but I'm actually doing you a giant favour by making you spend time with me.
ERIC: Well, thank you.
KITTY: No no no, I mean it. Boys who reject their mothers grow up to have huge problems. You will hate yourself. And every relationship you have with a woman will just be a mess. So, if you don't spend time with me now, you may never have sex. Hahahahaha! I'm teasing! A little.
ERIC: Aha (he looks at his plate) Hey, look how far Florence is from Venice...
KITTY: Eric, honey, I just wanted to spend a little time alone with you outside of the house. That's all.
ERIC: Mom, that's fine. And in fact, you know what, this is great.
A boy walks by
BOY: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyy!! Forman is out on a date! With his mom! Forman and his mom! Forman and his mom!
THE MOVIES
KITTY (thinking): My goodness, that Woody Allen is neurotic. Well if I lived in New York I'd be in therapy too. The streets are filthy.
ERIC (thinking): WOW, Diane Keaton is NOT wearing a bra. Okay, don't let your mom see you look. But I have to look. I'm looking. I'm looking and I don't care!
KITTY (thinking): Oh please. He expects her to make love while he is wearing those black socks?
ERIC (thinking): Note to self, throw away all black socks.
KITTY (thinking): Mah Jong? What the hell is Mah Jong?
ERIC (thinking): Mah Jong? What the hell is Mah Jong?
They laugh at the same time
KITTY (thinking): Okay, an aspirine the size of a brick. Now that is funny!
ERIC (thinking): Finally, a scene without sex! Oh great...drugs. Thank you Woody Allen.
KITTY (thinking): Huh, I guess cocaine is expensive.
ERIC (thinking): I'm finally getting the feeling back in my jaw. I don't get that, I mean he was just in bed with her and... OH...okay I see. Oh God, I hope my mom doens't get that.
KITTY (thinking): Oh I wonder if Eric gets that. Well, I'm not gonna explain it to him.
They look at each other and smile
THE PHOTO HUT
Hyde and Leo are still playing, with the aid of some 'green stuff'
HYDE: So now, Patty is seeing Fez, and I just don't get it. She could have had me. I'm a real catch man.
LEO: Allriiiiight! I had twins man! Oh look they're so beautiful!
HYDE: Congratulations.
LEO: Thanks man. Hey I don't want to be competitive or anything man, but I've got two kids and you don't have any. You're just a lonely plummer dude.
HYDE: It wouldn't be so bad, but it's Fez. I taught him everything he knows. It's all backwards man.
LEO: I guess you just can't dwell on things man.
HYDE: Yeah, maybe I shoud just be happy for Fez, I mean, it's the first time in his whole life that he's ever had a girl you know.
LEO:Yeah you know, a while back I picked up a card you know, and I had a car accident. And uh I was dwelling on that man. I'm sorry, what were you talking about?
HYDE: Maybe I should get back to work.
LEO: If you get back to work you're fired man (he spins the wheel and takes a card) Hey I got twins again man!
FORMAN PORCH
Jackie and Donna sitting down
JACKIE: Just admit it Donna! Patty is totally wrong for Fez.
DONNA: Well Jackie, I have never seen you quite this transparant before.
JACKIE: What are you talking about?
DONNA: She is so awful Donna, let's hate her forever Donna! Let's shave her head and run around town Donna!
JACKIE: Focus Donna! We're ragging up Patty, remember.
DONNA: Jackie did you ever think that maybe you hate Patty because you like Fez?
JACKIE: Oh you are in dangerous territory Pinciotti!
DONNA: No, I mean, it's true. You hate seeing Fez drool over someone other then you.
JACKIE: You're crazy, I don't like Fez.
DONNA: I think you do.
JACKIE: Oh shut up.
DONNA: Jackie, you're blushing! (Jackie pinches her) Oww!
JACKIE: Look, I'll admit that Fez would be okay for a quick fling if I was off on a vacation with my parents in Michigan or Cuba. Where no-one would ever find out. Ever, ever, ever!!
DONNA: Fez and Jackie sitting in a tree...Mr. and Mrs. Fez. Fez?
JACKIE: Donna, please, please shut up!
DONNA: Jackie you are so totally hot for him I can see it in your eyes.
JACKIE: Oh my God, OH MY GOD! I like Fez! (she runs of) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
THE CAR
Kitty is driving, Eric is sitting next to her
KITTY: Well boy, wasn't that fun, seeing all those sex-scenes with your mother.
ERIC: Oh it was super sexy. I'm so glad we could enjoy that together, really I am.
KITTY: So I guess women in New York don't wear bras.
ERIC: It's disgusting. And we should move there immidiately.
KITTY: Well I don't know about you but I've seen enough nipples for one day.
ERIC: Mom!
KITTY: What?
ERIC: I don't ever want to hear you say nipples okay?
KITTY: Why not? Men have nipples. Your father has nipples!
ERIC: NO! He does not! (they both laugh)
KITTY: Okay. So, what was your favourite part of the movie?
ERIC: I don't wanna tell you...
KITTY: Oh come on!
ERIC: Okay, uhm, Diane Keaton's nipples! (they both laugh really loud)
THE PHOTO HUT
Hyde and Leo are still playing, there are cars honking their horns outside
LEO: Okay, pay me.
HYDE: Leo, I gotta help the customer man, I think he's gonna drive away.
LEO: Let him go, I don't need his stinkin' photo money. I'm a doctor!
HYDE: Okay man, you know what, that's it. This game is over man. This is not life! THIS is life (he points around him).
LEO: Yeah but this life is so much better then this life! In the game, I've got kids man. In real life my kids split on me.
HYDE: Really man?
LEO: Yeah.
HYDE: My parents split on me.
LEO: Oh wow, and now we've found eachother. Hey do you wanna be my father?
HYDE: Sure.
LEO: Okay, go ahead and spin 'dad'! (Hyde puts his arm around Leo and spins the wheel)
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Kitty and Eric come in
ERIC: Maybe Mah Jong is a type of food.
KITTY: Oh you know what, you could be right, it's probably Chinese noodles.
ERIC: Yes! (he laughs) Hey, you wanna go see Close Encounter sometime?
KITTY: Yeah I'd love to!
ERIC: Very cool. Goodnight mom (he gives her a kiss on the cheek and walks off)
Kitty starts to cry, Red enters the room
RED: Oh what did he do?! I swear I'll kick his ass!!
KITTY: No he was just...he was absolutely wonderful.
RED: Oh (he sits down next to her) Okay (he hugs her)
FORMAN BASEMENT
Eric and Donna are kissing, dressed up like Woody Allen and Diane Keaton
ERIC/WOODY: Is something wrong?
DONNA/DIANE: No, why?
ERIC/WOODY: I don't know, it's just...you...it's...you seem very removed.
DONNA/DIANE: No I'm fine.
ERIC/WOODY: Are you sure?
DONNA/DIANE: Uhuh. (her gost leaves her body and sits in a chair next to the couch)
ERIC/WOODY: You know, maybe it's me, but you do, you seem very removed.
DONNA/DIANE (ghost): Eric have you seen my geometrybook? Cause when you two are doing that I might as well do some homework.
ERIC/WOODY: You see?! This is what I call being removed!
Cut to Donna and Eric in the basement
ERIC: Donna, when we're making out, you're not thinking about like..geometry and stuff are you?
DONNA: Never. Unless I have a test the next day. You know I think you did the sweetest thing in the world to go out with your mom.
ERIC: Thank you.
DONNA: So did Mommy buy you new underpants? (she starts to fondle him)
ERIC: Okay!
DONNA: Let me see the underpants! Let me see it!! (they wrestle)
THE END
