THE VISTACRUISER
Eric and Donna are making out under a blanket when a policeman shows up
DONNA: Eric! ERIC!
ERIC: Donna, this is a tricky maneuver okay, I need quiet.
The policeman shines with his flashlight on Eric and Donna
ERIC: Oh my God! It's the cops!
DONNA: Eric! We're completely NAKED!
ERIC: Don't panick! I uhh have a plan.
DONNA: Okay...
ERIC (staring into the light): Go away!
DONNA: That's the plan?! That's NOT a good plan!
ERIC: Yeah, no, that's the plan. I mean, we're totally naked, I think he'll probably just go away.
The policeman knocks on the window
ERIC: Crap. Have you seen my pants?
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Red in his chair, Kitty on the couch. Laurie comes down the stairs
KITTY: Where are you going?
LAURIE: Out.
KITTY: Where?
LAURIE: A place.
KITTY: Who with?
LAURIE: Doctors and stockbrokers.
The doorbell rings, Laurie opens it and Eric and Donna are brought in by a policeman
RED: Oh holy hell!
OPENING CREDITS
FORMAN KITCHEN
Eric and Donna are sitting at the kitchen table, Red, Kitty and Laurie standing
ERIC: And and and the heater is broken in the VistaCruiser, that's why it was so hot...so uh naturally we removed one or two articles of clothing which you know in retrospect was probably not that good an idea...
RED: Eric, how stupid do you think I am?
ERIC: You're right, should've cracked a window, good thinking.
RED: Eric, we know what you were doing in the car.
KITTY: No, we don't 'know'.
RED: Trust me, we know.
KITTY: No, no, we don't 'know'!
LAURIE (holding up her hand): I know! I know!
ERIC: Course you know, you majored in it.
RED: What were you thinking?
DONNA: Mr. Forman uhh it was my idea too. So uhm, please stop yelling at Eric?
Because...
RED: What?!
ERIC: Just play dead and cover your face.
DONNA: No Eric, it's okay (clears throat) What we did was a choice that we made. A choice we made as adults.
RED: Oh really. You're an adult?
ERIC: Don't answer! It's a trap.
DONNA: Yes. We're adults.
RED: Okay Donna, then as an adult I expect you to go next door and tell Bob and Midge just exactly what happened tonight.
DONNA: Okay. I'll tell them.
RED: Good. And I'm gonna check to see that you did.
DONNA: Oh come on! Why would you do that?!
RED: Donna I won't keep something like this from your parents. They think we're friends.
KELSO's VAN
Kelso is behind the wheel, Hyde and Fez get in
HYDE: Hey cool man, a CB radio!
KELSO: Yeah! So I narrowed down my potential CB handles to two choices, either Stud Kickass or Flex BuffChest.
HYDE: Gee Kelso, what about Beef Dingleberry?
KELSO: Great, now I've got three choices...
Radio crackles(female voices): Breaker 1-9, Breaker 1-9, this is Hot-To-Trot, Foxy-Lady and Nice-And-Easy...
FEZ: Oh my God, they sound nice!
HYDE: And easy!
KELSO: Quick, come on we need handles so we can talk to 'm.
HYDE: Okay uh OH OH we'll be the ModSquad!
KELSO: That's perfect, I'm Linc.
HYDE: I'M Linc!
KELSO: Why do you get to be Linc?
HYDE (points to his hair): The magic afro baby!
KELSO: Okay...I've got dibs on Pete.
FEZ: Okay, then what is my macho cop-handle?
HYDE & KELSO: Julie! (they laugh)
KELSO: Breaker 1-9, Breaker 1-9, this is Pete...
HYDE: I'm Linc
FEZ: And Julie. It is so nice to talk to you my lovelies.
Hot-To-Trot: Hey Julie, cool accent! You sound sexy.
FEZ: Accent? What the hell is she talking about?
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
Bob and Midge are having dinner, Donna tries to find a way to tell them what happened
BOB: Something on your mind?
DONNA: Yeah. There is something important I want to tell you guys. Eric and I have been going out for a while now and we did something you two should know about.
BOB (looking a bit angry): Yes?
DONNA: Well see, Eric and I, uhm we uhm we rode the Forman's motorcycle! There! I said it! Weight is just off my shoulders.
BOB: Donna, that was wrong. But not a wrong as it could have been, cause it could have been...
MIDGE: Sex! That's what I thought too!
DONNA: What?! No, that's crazy,that's that's silly, you guys are silly gooses! You make me laugh, cause you're silly!
They all laugh
FORMAN PORCH
Jackie and Donna are sitting on the porch
JACKIE: So the cops caught you doing it? (Donna nods) Oh my God! That is SUCH a turn on!
DONNA: That is NOT a turn on! You're a little pervert! Jackie, I have a big problem. How am I gonna tell my parents?
JACKIE: Okay, if you need to use the bathroom, you should go now. Cause I have a lot to say.
DONNA: No, I'm fine thanks.
JACKIE: Okay. You're first mistake, was wearing pants for car-sex. When you do it in the car, skirts are your best friend! Zip-zap, bim-bam, you're done, you're dressed, you're back at the mall!
DONNA: Jackie, I'm screwed! If I tell my parents, only one of two things could happen. Either they'll be furious, or they'll ask me how it was.
FORMAN MASTER BEDROOM
Kitty is in bed, dreaming of baby Eric. She has a baby on her lap, with Eric's adult face. He makes babysounds, while she is feeding him
KITTY: Here now, have some peas...
BABY ERIC: I'd rather have sex...with Donna.
KITTY: Mmmmmm tapioca!
BABY ERIC: Hmmmm sex with Donna!
KITTY: Oh you, you are just so cute. Ahahahha! Say Ma-Ma!
BABY ERIC: Sex with Don-Na!
KITTY: No baby no!
BABY ERIC: Yes!
KITTY: No!
BABY ERIC: YES!
KITTY: NO!
ERIC: No! YES!
Kitty is still dreaming yelling NO NO NO NO, Red tries to wake her up
RED: Kitty!
KITTY (waking up): Slut!
RED: What?
KITTY: Nothing.
RED: Are you okay?
KITTY: I'm fine.
RED: Kitty, when it's three o'clock on a saturday afternoon and you're still in bed, I know something is wrong.
KITTY: Oh Red I'm fine. Why should I care that my sweet babyboy was defiled by some jiggly red-haired tramp?
RED: Kitty!
KITTY: What I can't figure out is how she tricked him into it.
RED: Look it's not like we didn't know this was coming. You're always showing Eric anatomical diagrams and charts and slides. You've been prepping him since he was six!
KITTY: Are you blaming me?!
RED: No no, heck no. It's my fault. Men are dirty.
KITTY: Well good.
RED: Kitty I just want you to get out of bed. You know, none of us had lunch and uhm we're kinda hungry...
KITTY: Well, it's a house full of grown men and I would think that one of you FULLY grown men would know how to make a damn sandwich!
RED: Well maybe I should go...
KITTY: I sure as hell would!
Red leaves and Kitty snuggles up in bed
FORMAN BASEMENT
Donna and Eric are talking
DONNA: And when Bob and Midge look at me with their big dumb eyes, I just... I can't find the words.
ERIC: Okay Donna, I've given this a lot of thought, and I think I should be the one to tell your parents we had sex.
DONNA: Oh my God, Eric that is so great! Thank you!
ERIC: What? No no! What? No! It was a bluff! I was bluffing..to seem nice. Oh crap this is a nightmare.
DONNA: Fine, I'll do it myself.
ERIC: What? No, wait. Look, we told my parents together so, hey let's tell your parents together!
DONNA: Thank you. So do you wanna go get it over with?
ERIC: Yeah, let's go tell your parents.
DONNA: Okay (she gets up)
ERIC: Okay (he stays put) Donna, I want to go with you, but my legs have gone numb.
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
Kelso is standing in the door of his van with his CB radio, Hyde and Kelso are sitting on the porch
KELSO: Breaker 1-9, Breaker 1-9, this is Pete, Linc and Julie, we're looking for a 20 on Hot-To-Trot, FoxyLady and Nice-And-Easy over...
HOT-TO-TROT: Hey guys!
FEZ (takes the radio from Kelso): Hello Hot-To-Trot! This is Julie. I was just wondering, are you fat?
HYDE: Wow Fez!
KELSO: No, I'd say that's not a bad question.
HOT-TO-TROT: Well, why don't you guys come see for yourselves? We could meet tonight.
FEZ: Oh tonight? No tonight we have to watch Love Boat so I don't think...(Hyde grabs the radio from him)
FORMAN MASTER BEDROOM
Kitty is still in bed, Jackie lies next to her
JACKIE: As soon as I heard you were down Mrs. Forman, I had to come and see you. Because I know the blues. But you know, the good news is, Donna is on the pill. So, they can do it like a zillion times a day and nothing bad can happen. Yeah, they can just do it and do it and do it and do it and do it!
RED (comes in): JACKIE! Good you're here. Get out.
JACKIE: But I'm trying to help.
RED: Ah you wanna help? Go make me a sandwich. (Jackie leaves) So Kitty. You think maybe it's time to get up?
KITTY: No.
RED: Okay! You know what. Kitty, you gotta shape up! I can't believe that you're all surprised that your seventeen year old is doing what seventeen year olds do! BIG DEAL! Now get the hell out of bed and BUCKLE UP! (Kitty starts to cry) Oh jeez honey I'm sorry!
KITTY: GET OUT!
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
Bob and Eric are standing, Midge and Donna are sitting at the kitchen table
BOB: So, what do you kids need to tell us?
MIDGE: I tried to guess but my mind's a total blank!
ERIC: Actually, Mrs. Pinciotti, Mr. Pinciotti, it's something I need to tell you (Bob stares at him, Eric looks down at the floor) Sorry, I almost threw up... I'm fine now. You both know how much I respect your daughter, how much I love your daughter, and uhm, funny thing about love, haha, is uhm sometimes, we express it in a physical way.
BOB (still staring): You better not say what I think you're gonna say. Cause I'll be mad. And funny thing about mad, haha, is sometimes I express it in a physical way.
ERIC: I love your daughter and I totally respect her, and I never stopped respecting her. Even when the cops came.
BOB: Well I'm sorry Eric. But I still gotta twist your neck shut!
DONNA: Dad! You know you shouldn't be threathening Eric. You should be uhm thanking him.
BOB & ERIC: What?!
MIDGE: Wow!
DONNA: He's treated me like a queen since the day we started dating. Eric and I have sex. There. You know. At least I have a nice boyfriend and not some juvenile delinquent.
MIDGE: Like that Fonzie!
ERIC: Well that's...nice.
DONNA: And at least Eric had the guts to come over here and tell you man to man.
MIDGE: Well, I'm happy for you. And thank you for being honest. That took a lot of courage, didn't it Bob?
BOB: I'm going to bed! (he leaves)
MIDGE: So...How was it?
DONNA: OH GOD!
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red is eating out of a package of Raisin Bran. Eric comes in
RED: Boy oh boy. I'll tell you Eric, you take the cake.
ERIC: Oh man, there is cake?! (he looks around for it)
RED: There's no cake. We're all starving to death and it's all your fault. You broke your mothers heart! She's up there crying about how you're all grown up and you don't need her anymore.
ERIC: But...that's not true.
RED: Well I know that. You're a helpless idiot.
ERIC: Ah. Okay. I could pretend to need help with my homework.
RED: No no no-one gives a crap about that.
ERIC: Oh! I could pretend to be sick.
RED: No that...Wait a minute, that might work. She mothered the heck out of you when you broke your leg that time.
ERIC: Right, I could say I have a fever.
RED: Or better yet, we could walk to the garage, I hit you in the elbow with a baseball bat!
ERIC: I'm gonna stick with the fever.
RED: If you wanna go through life doing everything half-assed, that's your decision son.
KELSO's VAN
Kelso, Hyde and Fez are in the van
KELSO: Okay! They said they'd wait out front. Here we go, cold beer and hot babes!
FEZ: Or vice-versa!
HYDE: Hey guys, did we get a yes or a no on the fat question?
They arrive, three older women are standing in front of the van
FEZ: Oh goody, they're not fat, they're just old!
KELSO: If your voice is hot, then you should be hot, those are the RULES! Damn old ladies with hot voices. Let's go...
FEZ: No no, I'm staying. You two are shallow!
KELSO: I'm not shallow Fez, I just judge chicks on their looks.
FEZ: Suit yourself, but sometimes the old ones are super grateful.
HYDE: Yeah, okay Fez, but if you wind up at some car feeling up June Cleaver don't come crying to me.
KELSO: Yeah!
Fez leaves the van and Kelso backs up. Fez walks up to the older women
FEZ: Hello my lovelies, I am Julie. Which one of you is Hot-To-Trot?
Behind Fez a girl says: Julie?
FEZ (turns around): Yes?
Three beautiful, hot girls walk up to him
HOT-TO-TROT: You made it! I'm Hot-To-Trot
FOXYLADY: I'm FoxyLady!
NICE-AND-EASY: And I'm Nice-And-Easy!
FEZ: You're not fat. Or old at all!
NICE-AND-EASY: Ofcourse not! We're gymnasts.
FEZ: Dear Penthouse...
FORMAN MASTER BEDROOM
Kitty is still in bed, Eric stands at her bedside, he coughs
ERIC: I'm really sick...Mommy. And I don't have anyone to take care of me.
Kitty sticks out her hand, Eric presses his forehead against her hand
KITTY: Well you do feel a little warm...
ERIC: Right, cause I'm sick!
KITTY: Or you stuck a hot towel on your head Eric!
ERIC: Fine, I'm not sick. I just...I didn't want you to be mad anymore Mom.
KITTY: Oh honey, I'm not mad. I'm just horribly horribly depressed.
ERIC: Look Mom, I'm not all grown up, and I do still need you for stuff.
KITTY: Oh you do not.
ERIC: Sure I do.
KITTY: Really? For what? List it.
ERIC: I need you to love me.
Kitty strokes his cheek, then hits him
ERIC: I need you to...I really need you to get out of bed because Dad's been making my life extra miserable.
KITTY: Well okay, that one I buy (she gets out of bed)
ERIC: So, are we okay now?
KITTY: Oh honey. NO! Well I'm sorry, I just...I don't like you growing up and I don't like it and I'm not gonna. But I..I guess it's just something I'm gonna have to get used to.
ERIC: You know what Mom, I'm always gonna need you. Because chances are, Dad's gonna ride my ass for the rest of my life.
KITTY: Yeah, you really do rub him the wrong way honey. Ahahahahaha!
They leave the room
The end
