Opening sequence
Forman's basement:
(Eric and Hyde are sitting down as Fez comes through the door.)
Fez: (Excited) Okay, here comes Kelso. (Rubs hands together) Oh this is going to be so good. But plug your nose because he's also going to be fowl. (Sits down on couch next to Eric.)
(Kelso rushes down the outside stairs and bursts into the room)
Kelso: (angrily) Alright, somebody put a stinkbomb in my backpack. (Hyde, Eric, and Fez cover their noses.) And when I found out who, I'm gonna kick some ass!
Fez: Why must people be cruel? (Turns and looks at Hyde and Eric smiling.)
Kelso: Yeah...'cause now I gotta go see Jackie smellin' like a skunk and Jackie hates skunks. Well except for Pepe Le Pew. And you gotta admit, for a skunk he's pretty romantic. (Quickly turns and runs out the door.)
Fez: (Stands up and faces Hyde and Eric.) Okay guys I've got five stinkbombs left, let's go ruin someone elses day. (Puts his hands on his hips and smiles.)
Eric: (Sitting on couch crossing arms.) Sorry guys, I'm goin' to the movies with Donna. Y'Know it's like we hardly see each other now that she got that job at the radio station.
Hyde: Yeah you're the wife of a famous radio personality. (With Wisconsin accent) Go bake me a pie Martha.
Eric: (Looks at watch.) Oh my god...Donna's on the radio, she's doing the farm report right now.
(Eric gets up to tune the radio and as he does, Fez slips a stinkbomb in his back pocket.)
Donna: (On the radio.) And in porkbelly news...prices have risen to nearly fifty-four cents per pound! Mmm mmm, bacon!
Eric: (Laughing) Porkbelly prices...how cute is that?
Donna: (On the radio.) And I'll be back at three, four, and five with more updates. Until then, keep on farmin'! (Quietly) Is that okay? I just added that. I did hit the button. (Realizes she's still on the air) Oh!
Eric: She's staying late again? Oh god, how must fast-breaking porkbelly news could there possibly be? That's it I'm goin' down there. (Grabs jacket as he walks out the door.)
Fez: (Sits down.) Well, that conversation's going to go badly.
Hyde: How do you know?
Fez: I put a stinkbomb in his back pocket.
(Scene cuts to Eric and Donna at the radio station.)
Eric: (Talking to Donna.) You're doing the rest of the farm reports? Come on, I thought we were going to the movies.
Donna: (Sorts records while talking and Eric follows.) Well, Janice called in sick so...why do you smell like butt?
Eric: (Points at Donna.) That...is none of your business, okay? Okay, Donna look I think we need to talk. (Sighs) I think this job is really cutting into your Eric time.
Donna: My Eric time?
Eric: And I'm very concerned about your diminishing Eric time. Because it directly affects me you know. (Chuckles, then pauses and swallows.) I'm Eric.
(Max, the station manager walks in.)
Max: Hey, thanks for stayin' late again Donna. Y'know you might just turn this into a full-time gig.
Eric: Hey, I'm her full-time gig.
Max: (Makes a face.) No offense...you stink, dude. (Turns to Donna and hands her tickets.) Here's those tickets, enjoy the show. (Looks at Eric oddly as he walks out of the room.)
Eric: Tickets?
Donna: Yeah, I know I've been working a lot lately and I wanted to make it up to you, so I got Max to hook us up with Ted Nugent tickets for everybody!
Eric: (Takes tickets from Donna in amazement.) The Motor City Madman?! No way! Oh...my disappointment is melting into a mixture of excitement and guilt.
Donna: Great, that's what I was going for.
Opening credits
Scene 1
An unknown car:
(Kelso is in the driver's seat and Jackie is in the passenger's seat looking disgusted and covering her nose.)
Kelso: As soon as I saw that skunk I knew, that I had to capture it and return it to the zoo. Where it could maybe...just maybe...fall in love like you and I.
Jackie: (Turns towards Kelso.) Oh, Michael that is so sweet.
Kelso: Yeah, that's me...sweet. So, here we are. (Looks out the side window.) What to do...what...to...do. (Turns back to Jackie.) Oh, I know what we could do.
Jackie: Hmm?
Kelso: It.
Jackie: No, Michael I'm not doing it in a car. Now that were back together I want it to be special. I want our second first time to be magical.
Kelso: I could do magic. (Waves his hands around and attempts to make it appear like a section of his thumb is gone.)
Jackie: (Smiling) Michael, I'm serious.
Kelso: (In a fake panic.) Jackie I just removed a finger! (His fake panic morphs into a smile.) Alright, how 'bout this? We'll have a special day...just dedicated to all the romantic magic you want.
Jackie: That's a great idea. (Gasps lightly.) But you know what would be an even better idea?
Kelso: If we did it right now.
Jackie: No...that instead of one day, we have a whole week of romantic magic.
Kelso: Well, that would be seven times longer.
Jackie: And seven times better!
Kelso: And seven times longer...yay.
Scene 2
Forman's kitchen:
(Red, Kitty, Midge, and Bob are sitting at the table playing cards.)
Bob: Y'know, our anniversary's comin' up, eighteen years. I could still remember the first time I saw Midgey. She was the tallest girl in her Chemistry class.
Midge: And Bob was the shortest boy. But what he lacked in height, he made up for in shortness.
(Red looks up at the ceiling in amazement of what Midge said.)
Kitty: Red, um, remember when we first met?
Red: (Looks up at the ceiling.) Like it was yesterday.
[Flashback sequence]
(A room full of people dancing.)
Red: (Narrating) It was 1952 at a USO dance. Me and my buddies were blowin' off steam. (Shows a group of three young men in uniform. Young Red, being one of them, is pouring an alcoholic beverage into his cup of punch.) Then suddenly...I saw her. (Close up of a young Kitty with a light shining on her from above. Then a close up of young Red looking at her.) She was the most beautiful girl in the joint.
(A tall uniformed young man walks up to young Kitty.)
Tall Uniformed Man: Hey dame, wanna shake a leg?
Young Kitty: No, thanks.
Tall Uniformed Man: (Grabs young Kitty's arm.) That wasn't a question.
Young Kitty: (Sternly) I think it was, Mister.
(Young Red walks up to the tall uniformed man from behind, and taps him on the shoulder. The tall uniformed man turns around.)
Young Red: Mind if I cut in?
Tall Uniformed Man: (Leans in and pokes young Red hard in the shoulder.) This is none of your business, bell-bottom.
Young Red: I think you could use a little punch, leatherneck.
(Young Red punches the man right across the face. He then puts his arms on his hips and smiles big at young Kitty.)
Young Kitty: (With older Kitty's voice.) Oh you're in big trouble Red Forman.
Young Red: (With older Red's voice.) Huh?
[Flashback ends]
Kitty: I said, you're in big trouble Red Forman. You're thinking of some other girl. That's not how we met at all!
Red: Oh...ohh...uh oh.
Scene 3
Ted Nugent concert:
(The whole gang is sitting in a row in their seats. Fez has a box on his lap.)
Donna: Fez what's in the box?
Fez: Counterfeit concert t-shirts. Me and Hyde are going to sell them after the show.
Donna: Oh, how entrepreneurial of you.
Hyde: Yeah, see I figure with the original concert tees goin' for fifteen dollars and we sell ours for ten...it turns a fifty dollar investment into two-hundred and fifty bucks.
Eric: Where'd you get the fifty bucks? I thought you were broke.
Hyde: I sneaked it from your Candy Land stash. So if you think about it, it's all profit. (Eric looks at him disgusted.) Okay fine, can I borrow fifty dollars?
Fez: Hey, you wanna see what fifty stolen bucks can buy? (Reaches down and pulls up a shirt reading "TAD NUGENT".)
Hyde: Fez, its TED Nugent.
Fez: Uh huh, Tad Nugent. (Said with a slurr of a mixture of Ted and Tad.)
Hyde: No man, I'm saying Ted.
Fez: I'm saying Tad, too.
Hyde: No you're not it says Tad!
Fez: I know it says Tad, I'm the one who put it on there. I don't know why were fighting, what's the problem here?
Hyde: Because the shirt says Tad!
Fez: (Smling) Exactly!
Hyde: But the "A" should be an "E"!
Fez: Well that's not how you spell "TAD".
Hyde: No, that's how you spell "TED".
Fez: (Realizing his mistake.) Ohhhhh.
Hyde: (Grabs the shirt from Fez and throws it down.) These shirts are useless. Now Forman's out fifty bucks.
(The lights dim as the concert starts and the crowd stands up and cheers.)
Scene 4
Forman's living room:
(Bob and Midge are sitting right next to Red on the couch closely watching as he has his fist on his shoulder trying to remember how he met Kitty.)
Red: (Slowly turns to Bob and Midge.) You know, it's hard enough trying to remember this without you two starin' at me.
Bob: Hey, I could hypnotize ya'.
Midge: I know! You could retrace your steps! What did you have for breakfast?
(Red laughs and looks away. Kitty walks in the room.)
Red: (Stands up and faces Kitty.) Oh hi Kitty uhh, ya' know, I was just thinkin' about how much I love you.
Kitty: So, you remember yet?
Red: Yes...no.
Kitty: (Sets down her glass.) It was November 17, 1953 at a USO dance, I remember because it was the most important moment of MY life.
Red: Really, Kitty? Because in uh November 1953, I was in Korea. (Sits back down on the couch.) So I'm pretty sure you were talkin' to someone else.
Kitty: (Embarrassed) Are ya' sure? Maybe, maybe ya' came home for the weekend.
Red: (Arms folded.) Not from Korea.
Kitty: Oh great now, neither one us knows how we met. Well, you better get your thinking cap on, Mister. (Turns and quickly walks into the kitchen.)
Scene 5
Ted Nugent concert:
(Everyone is cheering on their feet as the concert is ending.)
Ted Nugent: (Unseen) Thank you, Wisconsin! Good night!
(The camera pans across the gang as they each are saying inaudible things to themselves about how great it was.)
Hyde: Alright, let's go try and sell these stupid t-shirts. (Hyde and Fez leave.)
Jackie: (Very giddy.) God Michael, this was the most magical night.
Kelso: You know, during the concert I rewrote some of Ted Nugent's songs with your name in it. Okay, which one do you like better...Cat Scratch Jackie, or Jackie Scratch Fever?
Jackie: I love them both!
(Jackie and Kelso scream in excitement and walk away holding hands. Eric and Donna are standing facing each other.)
Eric: What do you wanna do now?
Donna: (Thinking) Ahh. Oh! We can go and watch the tour buses from behind the chain link fence.
Eric: Great idea!
(Max walks up as Eric and Donna were about to leave.)
Max: Hiya, kids. Did ya' enjoy the show?
Eric: Are you kidding?! I'm deaf! (No one speaks.) You can say that again, Max.
Max: Well you know, I'm startin' to come down. I mean I'm getting tired. (Max sits down.) Uh, why don't you take this? (Takes off the backstage pass around his neck and hands it to Donna.)
Donna: Oh my god, a backstage pass.
Eric: Oh yeah! Oh...too bad there's only one, huh?
Donna: I'll be back in five minutes I swear.
Eric: You're going?
Donna: Don't you want me to?
Eric: Of...course I do! That's why I said 'Oh, you're going, yay!'.
Donna: You're the best. (Kisses Eric and then walks off.)
Eric: Yeah, that's...yeah that's good, that's nice for her.
Max: Yeah...you'll never see her again. That's how I lost my first wife. Damn you, Donny Osmond!
Scene 6
Outside the concert:
(Hyde and Fez are standing in the crowd of people leaving with the counterfeit t-shirts in hand.)
Fez: (Shouting) T-Shirts! Get your crappy mispelled t-shirts! Can't enjoy the after party without your crappy mispelled t-shirts!
Hyde: I rue the day I took you under my wing my foreign friend.
Fez: I'm sorry you feel that way Hyde. But I think that time we spended together has taught us each a little bit about...tolerance, humanity, friendship.
Hyde: Whatever.
(Jackie and Kelso walk up.)
Jackie: Ew, Michael, someone blew chunks.
(Kelso grabs the t-shirt from Hyde and lays it down on top of the vomit.)
Kelso: May I escort you across the vomit m'lady? (Kelso offers Jackie his arm.)
Jackie: Why, thank you good sir.
(Jackie puts her arm through Kelso's and they walk off.)
Hyde: I hate them.
Fez: You just bought yourself a barfy Tod Nugent t-shirt, Mister.
Hyde: Fez... (Motions with his finger for Fez to lean in.) it's "Ted"!
Scene 7
Backstage at the concert:
(Donna walks into a roomfull of women and a few men including Ted Nugent.)
Ted: Hey, who ordered the redhead?
(All the other men in the room raise their arms.)
Donna: Oh my god you're looking at me. Ted Nugent is looking at me! Oh my god, stop looking at me! I'm Donna, I am like your biggest fan. (Donna shakes Ted's hand.)
Ted: Well hi, Donna, meet the other groupies... (While pointing them out.) this is blonde girl, the other blonde girl, tall girl, and the tall blonde girl.
Donna: Well actually, I'm not a groupie. I mean, I love you, but I work at a rock radio station...WFPP, The Sound. I do the farm report, it's like a huge day for porkbellys. You don't care, sorry.
Ted: Well you work for a radio station? You wanna do an interview or somethin'? (Gets up and walks up to Donna.)
Donna: Oh my god, an interview would be amazing. Do you have a piece of paper and one of those uh... (Does the motion of writing with her hand.)
Ted: Pens.
Donna: Pens! Exactly! You are the best! (A random arm from off the right of the screen hands Donna a notepad and a pen.) Okay...first question, um...uh...oh my god, why are you so great?
Scene 8
Outside the concert:
(Fez and Hyde are standing these as Eric walks up.)
Eric: Hey guys, have you seen Donna?
Hyde: Look Forman, no offense, we got more important things to worry about here.
(The camera zooms out to reveal that Fez and Hyde are handcuffed to a railing. Two police officers walk up.)
Eric: Right...good luck in jail guys. (Walks off camera.)
Fez: You know, I had a dream like this once. Only I was handcuffed to Cheryl Tiegs. And you weren't wearing your sunglasses.
Scene 9
Inside the concert:
(Eric is sitting back in his seat.)
Eric: It's not just tonight ya' know? Yeah, she's been blowin' me off more and more. And she thinks I'll take it, but won't uh-uh.
(The camera angle changes to reveal Eric is talking to a janitor.)
Janitor: Can you lift your feet please?
(Eric lifts his feet and the janitor sweeps by.)
Eric: Sorry.
Janitor: And I'm not listenin' to your little story so you really need to stop talkin' to yourself.
Scene 10
Backstage at the concert:
(Ted Nugent is playing a guitar as everyone watches. When finished, Donna is the only one that claps.)
Donna: (Looks around.) What is wrong with you people? C'mon that was great! What're you on, dope? (The camera shows three girls that appear to be on dope.) Oh. Well, uh, I better go, my boyfriend's waiting. (She shakes Ted's hand.) Thank you so much for the interview, Ted.
Ted: You're very welcome, you wanna stick around? I'll let'cha touch the guitar.
Donna: Really? Alright! Wait, you mean your guitar guitar right?
Ted: Yeah.
Donna: Alright! (She rubs the guitar and picks at the strings with her fingers.) Woooo.
Scene 11
The Vista Cruiser in the parking lot:
(Kelso and Jackie are sitting in the back seat.)
Jackie: Michael, I have to say this has really been a magically romantic day.
Kelso: Actually, it's after midnight...so it is now officially day two or magical romance week. (He pulls out a chocolate snack with two lit candles in it and presents it to Jackie.) Tada!
Jackie: Oh, Michael!
(Jackie blows out the candles and then Kelso sets it down on the back of the seat in front of them.)
Kelso: Yeah and I've got some great stuff planned for the rest of the week. We're gonna have a picnic and I'm gonna cook for you. Oh, and we're gonna go for a ride on a rickshaw.
(Jackie leans in and kisses Kelso.)
Jackie: You know, you are the most romantic man in Point Place.
Kelso: Yup. Y'know, at first, I thought this was gonna suck, but I've really gotten into it. And I'm glad that we're waitin' seven days to do it.
Jackie: God, Michael you really have changed. You're so different...and we're different. Okay, let's do it...now!
Kelso: Whoa, I, I thought you didn't wanna do it in a car.
Jackie: No Michael, you're so irresistable I can't wait.
(Jackie jumps on Keslso and begins to kiss him.)
Kelso: What about the rest of the week? I mean, I, I rented a tux and leather shoes.
(Eric walks up and knocks on the window.)
Eric: Okay you guys c'mon, open up I've had a really bad night.
Kelso: (Pops his head up from kissing Jackie.) We need the car Eric. We're gonna do it, and it's gonna be magical.
Scene 12
Forman's living room:
(Kitty is sitting on the couch looking at a photo album as Red walks in from the kitchen with two drinks.)
Kitty: Oh Red, it's killing me that I can't remember.
Red: (Confused) Huh? Oh, oh yeah, me too. Well I'll tell you one thing I remember. I remember that you love Manhattans. (He hands the drink to Kitty.)
Kitty: Oh that's right! That's what I used to drink! (Laughs.) Oh I haven't had a Manhattan in twenty years. (They tap their glasses together and have a sip. Kitty makes a face as if the drink is very strong and then begins laughing.) Oh boy that takes me back! Oh! Ohhhh...
[Flashback sequence]
(Young Kitty is drinking at a table with a friend. She finishes the last bit of one as a man sets down another one on the table.)
Young Kitty: Keep 'em coming! Oh my, I'm as loose as a goose!
(Cut to young Red tapping glasses with a buddy.)
Young Red: Okay let's do it.
(They down the drinks in one gulp, and quickly set them down on a table. They turn around, bend over, and pull down their pants. Young Red's boxer's read "HELLO" and his buddy's read "LADIES". Then the camera cuts to young Kitty.)
Young Kitty: (She gets up and walks off without looking where shes going.) Whoopsidaisy, I need to use the ladies- (She runs into young Red and falls over and begins to laugh.)
Young Red: (Puts pants back on and faces young Kitty.) Are you alright?
Young Kitty: (Laughing) I bumped into your butt, and fell down!
Young Red: Sorry, my pants were- (As he helps young Kitty up he sees how pretty she is and stops in astonishment.) Hi, I'm Red Forman.
Young Kitty: (Shakes young Red's hand.) How do you do Red Forman? I'm Kitty Sigurdson.
[Flashback ends]
(Kitty and Red look at each other.)
Red: You bumped into my butt and fell down and that's how we met?
Kitty: I'm afraid so.
Red: Well whad'ya say if Eric ever asks, we go with the "I punched out a Marine" story?
Kitty: And I wasn't drinking, I was reading to the blind.
Red: Sounds good.
(They tap glasses and have a drink.)
Scene 13
The Vista Cruiser in the parking lot:
(Eric is sitting on the hood as Donna runs up.)
Donna: Oh my god, Eric. I have so much to tell you. I actually met Ted Nugent, and I got an interview. And I know I said I'd be right back, but it was so exciting!
Eric: (Sarcastically) Oh, my night, too! I met...the janitor! And then I got to see Kelso take his pants off! Rock 'n' Roll!
Donna: Eric, you're mad at me for going backstage to meet Ted Nugent?
Eric: No, no, I'm mad at you because you ditched me.
Donna: I didn't ditch you! This was Ted Nugent, this was a huge opportunity for me! So come Monday I don't have to just talk about the farm report, I could talk about the interview. Like an interviewer.
Eric: Well, you know what Donna? All I can say is that my Mom would never bail on my Dad like that.
Donna: Yeah, but their married.
Eric: Okay, okay, let's just forget it. You're sorry, everything's fine.
Donna: I never said I was sorry.
Eric: But, you are right?
Donna: I shouldn't have to be.
(Fez and Hyde walk up.)
Fez: (Raising arms up into the air.) We are free, at last we are free!
Hyde: Hey, they tried to charge us with selling counterfeit merchandise, but since "TED NUGENT" was mispelled it wasn't really counterfeit, it was just stupid.
Fez: Ah, my ignorance of American youth culture finally paid off.
Hyde: Hey, Donna, did you get to meet The Nuge?
Donna: Yeah, it was awesome, I was right there with Ted Nugent...The Nuge. (Turns towards Eric.) So can we go now?
Kelso: (Sticks his head out the window.) Excuse me! You're ruining the magic!
Ending credits
Forman's basement:
(Hyde, Eric, and Jackie are sitting down as Kelso walks in with a light blue tuxedo on.)
Hyde: You goin' to a clown funeral?
Kelso: Shut up! I'm romantic.
Eric: Nice rental Kelso.
Kelso: (Proudly) Joke's on you, I bought it. Yeah, that's right, it's mine.
Jackie: (Stands up and walks over to Kelso.) Well I think you look handsome Michael.
Kelso: Thank you, Jackie.
(Kelso kisses Jackie as Fez walks up.)
Kelso: Hey, Fez, you ever pull a rickshaw?
Fez: What's a rickshaw?
Kelso: C'mon, it's fun.
(Kelso, Jackie, and Fez exit.)
End
