Épisode L'amour est un enfer S04E04 - That '70s Show Saison 4

Sous-sol des Forman

Fez, Hyde et Éric regardent un jeu télévisé. Ce dernier ne peut s'empêcher de penser à Donna car elle adore ce jeu. Hyde, agacé de l'entendre ruminer, lui rappelle que c'est bien d'être célibataire car il va pouvoir en profiter. Mais Fez rumine aussi car il voudrait bien être amoureux. Hyde s'en va au boulot. Éric trouve que Hyde devrait tomber amoureux comme ça, ils pourraient se moquer de lui...même si finalement, il n'y aurait pas de quoi se moquer. Cependant, cela donne une idée à Fez : il veut organiser une soirée pour trouver une petite amie à Hyde.

Cuisine des Forman

Jackie, Donna et Kitty sont avec Fez et Éric. Jackie trouve que Fez a eu une excellente idée, elle se voit déjà jouer les marieuses et Fez pense déjà qu'il va pouvoir récupérer les prétendantes éconduites. Donna les laisse pour aller bosser car la radio où elle travaille organise un concours pour gagner un van. Kitty approuve l'idée des garçons, elle pense qu'une fille remettra les idées en place à Hyde. Éric en profite pour glisser que cela ne lui a apporté que de la douleur. Kitty l'ignore et suggère que la soirée se fasse chez eux. Red entre dans la pièce sans savoir de quoi elle parle et refuse. Kitty insiste, ils ne peuvent pas faire cela dans la rue. Red trouve que ce serait une bonne idée.

Extérieur du « Hub »

Kelso et Bob ont décidé de participer au concours qui consiste à poser une main sur le van à gagner et de ne surtout pas la retirer. Un certain Daniel arrive, il remporte toujours tout et essaie d'impressionner Kelso et Bob, qui restent impassibles.

Sous-sol des Forman

Jackie arrive toute fière avec la « grosse Rhonda » en même temps que le fut de bière, ce qui soulage Éric. Kitty fait son entrée avec Hyde et n'hésite pas lui faire de la publicité. Le jeune homme est un peu perdu mais ne pose pas plus de questions, il est ravi de voir des filles et de la bière.

Le « Hub »

Donna croise une collègue, Melissa, qui vient juste de finir son service. La jeune fille lui propose de venir à leur soirée. Elle accepte.

Extérieur du « Hub »

Donna apporte un peigne à son père. Daniel cherche à provoquer Bob et ne se gêne pas pour reluquer Donna. Énervé, Bob se jette sur lui. Mais Daniel a eu ce qu'il voulait, Bob a lâché le van et a donc perdu.

Sous-sol des Forman

Une fille aborde Éric. Au début, il la repousse et lui explique qu'il sort d'une rupture. Comme elle le plaint, il finit par y voir une bonne occasion d'avoir de l'affection. Pendant que Fez fait connaissance avec Rhonda, Kitty vient jeter un coup d'oeil pour voir comment cela se passe. Mais Jackie prend ça pour elle et ne parle que de ses cheveux. Kitty repart.

Quelques minutes plus tard, Fez prend la décision de présenter officiellement les filles une par par une à Hyde. Et le moins qu'on puisse dire c'est qu'elles sont bizarres. Néanmoins, quand Fez lui demande le bilan de tout cela Hyde sent qu'il peut toutes les séduire pendant la soirée. Fez, un peu gêné à l'idée de n'en récupérer aucune, lui explique qu'il doit n'en choisir qu'une. Il finit par lui révéler son plan. Comme Hyde dit qu'il peut se débrouiller seul pour trouver une fille, Fez est vexé et lui demande de s'en aller.

Allée des Forman

Sur le point de s'en aller, Hyde croise Donna et sa collègue, Melissa. Il tombe tout de suite sous le charme. Du coup, il les suit et repart à la fête.

Sous-sol des Forman

Rhonda dit à Fez qu'elle va rendre visite à sa tante cet été, elle l'invite à venir avec lui. Éric discute avec la jeune fille, Katie. Il aperçoit Donna. Comme Katie lui demande s'il souhaite qu'elle le prenne dans ses bras, il accepte. Donna regarde la scène. Elle confie sa colère à Jackie, qui commence également à en avoir assez de cette soirée. En effet, au milieu de toutes ses filles, elle ne sait plus si elle est la plus belle et cela la perturbe. Elle file retrouver Kelso. Éric continue son petit cirque avec une autre fille. Donna n'en peut plus. Hyde fait connaissance avec Mélissa qui semble avoir le même esprit que lui. Fez, ivre, porte un toast très bizarre. Red et Kitty, qui passent par là, s'en aperçoivent.

Extérieur du « Hub »

Bob apporte un café à Kelso. Daniel en profite pour lancer une idée, qui arrivera à boire le plus de café ? Bien évidemment, Kelso se fait piéger et avale plusieurs tasses de café. Ensuite, Daniel fait exprès de parler d'eau pour lui donner envie d'aller aux toilettes. Kelso lui fait remarquer que cela va finir par agir également sur sa vessie, Daniel lui montre qu'il a prévu le coup , il a un système pour faire pipi dans une canette.

Allée des Forman

Red tente de calmer Fez, qui est prêt à tout pour coucher avec une fille. Il lui fait la leçon, il ne doit jamais boire en présence de filles ou la situation se retournera contre lui et il fera des choses qu'il va regretter.

Extérieur du « Hub »

Jackie a retrouvé Kelso et tient à s'assurer qu'elle est la plus belle. Elle se compare à plein de filles et s'attend à ce qu'il réponde qu'elle est toujours la plus belle. Au bout de plusieurs minutes, Daniel n'en peut plus. Il veut l'empêcher de parler et lui met la main sur la bouche. Il a lâché le van et a donc perdu, même s'il a du mal à le reconnaître. Kelso est interviewé par Max, le patron de Donna. Il ne trouve rien d'autre à faire que de parler de sexe.

Sous-sol des Forman

Éric est désormais entouré de toute une bande de filles. Donna, excédée, finit par leur révéler que c'est lui qui a rompu. Elles s'en vont toutes, excepté Katie. Comme le jeune homme lui avoue pourquoi il l'a quitté, elle est encore plus triste pour lui et lui laisse son numéro de téléphone. Hyde essaie de faire comprendre à Melissa qu'elle l'intéresse mais elle fait semblant de pas comprendre le message. Du coup, il lui demande la chose franchement et elle lui dit de l'appeler. Contre toute attente, il accepte. Donna se moque de lui car il commence déjà à avoir une attitude d'homme soumis.

Plus tard, Fez dit à Rhonda qu'il ne viendra finalement pas avec elle chez sa tante. Par contre, ils peuvent toujours aller au cinéma. Rhonda part, contente. Donna trouve qu'il devrait vite désaoûler ou il va s'attirer des ennuis. Fez soutient qu'il aime toutes les filles.

Fairgirl

FORMAN BASEMENT

Hyde, Eric and Fez are watching Hollywood Squares

FEZ: Elke Sommer to block. Elke Sommer to block. Oh, you stupid son of a bitch.

ERIC: Oh...Donna... loved Hollywood Squares.

HYDE: Ah, Forman. Come on, man. Give it a rest, huh? So you're single now. That's a good thing. Now you're like me, man. You're free to be with lotsa subpar, somewhat sleazy chicks. It's Christmas, baby.

FEZ: Oh, you disguise your heart, Hyde, but I know you need love.

HYDE: Why is that?

FEZ: 'Cause I need it.

HYDE: All right. I'm goin' to work before you two start braidin' each other's hair (he leaves)

ERIC: You know what? I wish for once Hyde would fall in love, you know? So we could make fun of him. We'd be all, ''Hey, everyone'' ''Hyde's in love.'' HAHA! Burn.

FEZ: Oh, I know. Let's get Hyde a woman. We can have a ''Let's Get Hyde a Woman'' party. And...and we can have food and music and, um...

ERIC: Women?

FEZ: That's it.

OPENING CREDITS

FORMAN KITCHEN

Eric, Jackie and Fez are sitting at the kitchen table. Donna is leaning on the bar, Kitty is cooking

JACKIE: Hey, this party is a great idea. I am gonna find the perfect match for Steven. After all, my nickname is ''The Queen of Romance.''

DONNA: No one calls you that.

FEZ: Now, we will each bring no less than two and no more than five girls to the party for Hyde, okay? I will console the rejects with a hot oil massage. I will be nude.

DONNA: Well, I'm outta here. The radio station's giving away a van, and I gotta work. I will be clothed.

KITTY: Well, I think it's a great idea. Steven is almost a man, and he needs to meet a girl who will help him find his way.

ERIC: Yeah. A girl helped me find my way... to hell! I'm in hell.

KITTY: Oh, you're not in hell. If you're too hot, take off your sweater. So, it's settled. We'll have the party here.

RED (coming in): No, Kitty. I don't know what you're talkin' about, but, no.

KITTY: Yes. We're...we're havin' a little party for Steven, so he can meet his Miss Right.

RED: Why is it here? Why is it always here?

KITTY: Well, what do you want them to do, have the party in the street?

RED: Yes. They puke in the street, the city cleans it up.

OUTSIDE THE HUB

A new shiny van stands outside. Kelso is drooling over it

KELSO: Oh-ho, man! Oh, I hope I win this van. I really need a place to do it with Jackie.

MAX: Okay. Listen up everybody. The rules are simple. You place one hand on the van. If you remove your hand for any reason, you're out. Last person to remove his hand wins the van. Any questions? (A guy lifts his hand from the van to stick it up) You're out. Any other questions?

DANIEL: Don't start without me, Max.

MAX: Oh, God.

DANIEL (walking up to Bob and Kelso): Hello. My name is Daniel and I have won every WFPP contest since the Weber Gas Grill Trampoline Bounce of 1972. I am unbeatable, so the choice is yours: joy or despair... pleasure or pain... life... or death. (he spits in his hand and slams it on the van) I am Daniel! And I cannot be beaten.

FORMAN BASEMENT

The party is on its way

JACKIE (coming in): Look at what I brought.

ERIC: Big Rhonda?!

JACKIE: Uh-huh.

ERIC: There goes the keg.

KITTY (coming down the stairs): Everybody, look who's here...a caring, intelligent, snazzy young man...Ste-e-even Hyde!

HYDE: Um, thanks. Hey, man. What's goin' on? I thought we were watchin' Saturday Night Live.

FEZ: Yeah. Change of plans. We're havin' a party with girls, a keg and girls. For no reason whatsoever.

HYDE: Great.

FEZ: And there's no agenda.

HYDE: All right.

FEZ: Stop grilling me, you bastard!

THE HUB

Donna is inside the Hub, she meets a girl from the station

DONNA: Oh, hey, Melissa. How's the contest going?

MELISSA: Lame. But at least the boneheads are entertaining. Check out that idiot's 'fro.

DONNA: Hey, that's my dad.

MELISSA: Oh! Uh...

DONNA: No. Okay. Yeah. You're right.  So, hey, what are you doin' tonight?

MELISSA: We're in Wisconsin so nothing.

DONNA: Well, I'm goin' to this party. It's in a stinky basement, and they'll have a stolen keg.

MELISSA: I'm in.

DONNA: Cool.

OUTSIDE THE HUB

Donna walks over to the contestants

DONNA: Hey, Dad. I brought you some mints and your afro pick.

BOB: Oh, thank God, Donna. My hair was startin' to look silly.

Donna leaves

DANIEL: Hey, check out the Redhead.

BOB: That Redhead is my baby girl Donna. I'm her dad.

DANIEL: I want Donna to call me ''Daddy.''

BOB: That's it! (he storms off to Daniel)

MAX: Ah! Bob. You took your hand off the van. You lose.

BOB: This isn't over.

DANIEL: It is for you. Get outta here! (to Kelso) And so begins the battle of wits.

KELSO: Oh, man. I've never been good at wits.

DANIEL: Really?

KELSO: Mm-hmm.

FORMAN BASEMENT

Eric is standing at the chips and dip table

GIRL: So, chips and dip, huh?

ERIC: Yahuh.

GIRL: And the words kinda sound alike, so that's always fun.

ERIC: Look. No offense, but I'm really not in the mood for talking. I just broke up with my girlfriend, so...

GIRL: Oh, you poor thing. You know, you have these sad lips that are just so hot.

ERIC: Really?

RHONDA (to Fez): I may not be popular, but if given the chance, I'll put out somethin' fierce.

KITTY (crawling down the stairs): Psst! Psst! How's it goin'?

JACKIE: Great, great, great, great. 'Cause, see, at first, I thought I should wear my hair up. But let's be honest. My hair is one of my top five features. So, voila! It's down (Kitty leaves) Psst! Psst!

FEZ: Hyde, allow me to introduce you to a special lady.

GIRL 1: So we meet every week to pray and discuss Scripture. You in?

GIRL 2: I used to date your dad. Isn't that a turn-on?

GIRL 3: It's not like head cheerleader's always the most talented but in my case, it's true.

GIRL 4: I have to date guys who aren't as good-looking as me, otherwise, I'd never date.

RHONDA: You gonna eat that?

GIRL 6: I know you're really angry and emotionally crippled but that's okay, 'cause my boyfriend's in jail.

GIRL 7: My turn-offs include people who are mean to puppies and people who smoke... or... don't smoke? Or smoke? Wait. Do you smoke?

GIRL 8: Okay. So guess which leg's real.

GIRL 9: I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, 'cause I've, like, always been afraid of you and I like to be scared.

FEZ: So? What do you think?

HYDE: You know, I think, if I time this right I can nail every single one of these girls... tonight.

FEZ: No, no, no, no, no. You're supposed to pick just one...to love, not nail. Love.

HYDE: Yeah. Right.

FEZ: Okay. Listen to me, Johnny Cool. I threw this party for you, so you can find one girlfriend to love you. And that is all. One.

HYDE: You set this up?

FEZ: Yeah. We all thought you needed help finding a quality woman, so...

HYDE: What? Man, you sit around and talk about me? Is that what's goin' on? Look. I don't want your help.

FEZ: I give and I do, and I do and I give. And for what? For nothing. Well, I'm done. Go.

HYDE: But, Fez...

FEZ: I said, go!

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

Hyde walks out of the basement and meets Donna outside

DONNA: Hey, Hyde.

HYDE: Hey.

DONNA: This is Melissa. She just moved here from Chicago. Work at the radio station together. Melissa, this is Hyde. You're not leaving already, are you?

Melissa and Hyde shakes hands. Hyde can't stop staring at her

HYDE: Uh, no. I came out to get some fresh air.

DONNA: Oh

HYDE: It's, uh... It's fresher out here...the air. I like air. How 'bout you?

MELISSA: Air's okay. You know what's really good? Water.

HYDE (laughing like a nerd): That's really... (he still stares at her)

Donna smiles and walks inside. Melissa follows her, and so does Hyde.

FORMAN BASEMENT

Back to the party

RHONDA: This summer I'm gonna visit my aunt in Mississippi.

FEZ: Oh, you're goin' away? That is sad.

RHONDA: Hey, you should come with me, chocolate milk.

KATIE: When I looked across the room, I saw a guy who was wounded... a guy who sits in the dark waiting for the light to find him again.

ERIC: If only I could find this light you speak of then maybe...just maybe my pain might go away.

KATIE: Would it help if I held you?

ERIC: I doubt it. But let's try, Katie. Yeah. Lower. Yeah.

DONNA: I am so disgusted.

JACKIE: Oh, I know. There are way too many girls at this party. I can't even smell my own perfume.

DONNA: Well, you're the only one. You know, you may not even be the prettiest girl here.

JACKIE: You shut your hole (thinking) I... am... pretty! Unsure. Must... find... Michael! (she runs off)

ERIC (to a girls): Hi. You know... I'm a guy who's... wounded.

HYDE: So I'm gonna go grab a beer.

MELISSA: Thanks. Get one for yourself too.

HYDE: No. I.. Ca.. Can I get you a beer?

MELISSA: There you go. Thanks.

HYDE: Right.

FEZ: A toast to all my good friends. I will miss you when I blow out of this burg with the beautiful Big Rhonda. Now it's off to ''Missis-syphilis''!

KITTY: Oh, no. Red, they've been drinking.

RED: Well, well. What do ya know?

OUTSIDE THE HUB

The competition is still going on

BOB: Here, Kelso. Thought you might need some coffee to keep you goin'.

DANIEL: Hey, you know what would be fun? Seein' which one of us could drink the most coffee, huh?

KELSO: Uh-huh.

DANIEL: Oh, no. You'll just lose.

KELSO: Wha... No. I would not I could so beat you.

DANIEL: Well, I doubt that.

KELSO: Oh, you're goin' down.

DANIEL: Hmm.

Later...

KELSO: That's my six to your one!

DANIEL: Yeah. Ya really whipped me. Kelso, have you ever been to Niagara Falls?

KELSO: Uh-uh.

DANIEL: Hmm. Don't you like the soothing sound of water?

KELSO: Yeah. I guess.

DANIEL: Hmm. You ever sat beside a babbling brook listening to the beautiful, steady stream of water?

KELSO: Well, I... Okay. I don't know if you realize this, but a..all this talk about water is really making have to go pee.

DANIEL: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. I can see that ''urine'' a lot of pain.

KELSO: Yeah. Well, y-you better shut up, 'cause you're gonna have to go too.

DANIEL: That's where you're wrong. I am going.

He lifts the leg of his pants to reveal a device that is collecting his urine

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

Red escorts a drunken Fez outside

FEZ: I know I just met her, Mr. Red but I love her. She is sturdy. I want to climb her.

RED: You're just desperate to give it away, aren't you, son?

FEZ: Yes. Yes, I am.

RED: Look. There are two things that you need to learn about women.

FEZ: Oh, finally, the sex talk!

RED: First: If a woman outweighs you by 30 pounds you're in for trouble.

FEZ: But I'll put on weight. I'll bridge the gap.

RED: Which brings me to my second point. When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun. But if you mix 'em, they can turn you into a dumb-ass.

OUTSIDE THE HUB

Jackie comes running up to Kelso

JACKIE: Michael!

KELSO: Jackie. I thought you were at the party.

JACKIE: No, no, no. It was awful. Do you know what it's like to be the prettiest girl at a party and not have anyone acknowledge it?

KELSO: Yes, I do.

JACKIE: Michael, am I pretty?

KELSO: Oh, come on, cupcake. You are the prettiest girl in Point Place. No. You know what? In Wisconsin.

DANIEL: Nice one, Pinocchio.

JACKIE: Am I prettier than Pam Macy?

KELSO: Of course.

JACKIE: Am I prettier than Farrah Fawcett?

KELSO: Oh, all right. Come on. She's like a perfect 10. And you are an 11.

JACKIE: Am I prettier than...

DANIEL: Oh, my God!

Later...

JACKIE: Am I prettier than the girl with the feathered hair at the supermarket?

KELSO: Okay, okay, the blonde-haired one or the brown-haired one?

JACKIE: Well, does it matter?

KELSO: No, 'cause ya smoke 'em both, baby!

JACKIE: Am I prettier than...

DANIEL: Oh, my God! I can't take it anymore! Am I pretty? Am I pretty? Am I pretty? Shut up! (he covers Jackie's mouth with BOTH his hands)

MAX: And we finally have a winner.

KELSO: HAHAHAHA! I did it! Oh, my God. I won! Who's the best? I'm the best! Loser!

DANIEL: I'm not a loser, okay? I win everything. I don't lose. I win! Because I'm a winner! I'm a winner!

MAX: So, Michael Kelso, tell Wisconsin how it feels to be WFPP's new Hand 2 Van winner!

KELSO: Well, I guess I have to say it like this, Max: If this van's a-rockin' we're in there doin' it!

JACKIE: Michael!

KELSO: Oh. Um, I'm sorry. I'm doin' it with Jackie Burkhart!

FORMAN BASEMENT

Eric is sitting on the couch, surrounded by girls

ERIC: If you really think putting my head on your lap will make me feel better I mean, I guess I should try.

DONNA: All right. That's it. Excuse me, girls. I have some information...

ERIC: No. Don't listen to what she's... I'm.... She's the one who hurt me.

DONNA: Uh-huh. Yeah. He dumped me.

KATIE: You dumped her?

ERIC: Well, I had to. She wouldn't.... She wouldn't take my ring.

KATIE: You wouldn't take his ring?

DONNA: This is none of your business. And you are a sad little man.

KATIE: Tsk. Oh, poor baby. Do you want my number?

ERIC: Yes. Yes, I do.

HYDE (to Melissa): So, you havin' fun?

MELISSA: That reminds me. I have to go.

HYDE: Uh, Melissa um, I was wonderin' if maybe you wanted to do somethin' sometime.

MELISSA: Sorry. I did something last night, and I already made plans for sometime.

HYDE: No. Wait, wait. Uh, let me try that again. Um, look. If you're not doing anything Friday night I'd like to take you out to, uh- to- to dinner and a movie. Pizza? The mall? Bowling?

MELISSA: I'd love to. Call me.

HYDEL: Call you? That's a little unorthodox (serious) I'll call you.

Melissa leaves

DONNA: Ye-e-es. ''I'll call you.'' ''I'll call you.'' Whipped.

HYDE: What? I don't care about her. Melissa who? What the hell.

DONNA: Whipped like the family pig.

END CREDITS

FORMAN BASEMENT

Donna, Fez and Rhonda are sitting on the couch

FEZ: Rhonda, I cannot go to Mississippi.

RHONDA: So, you're not coming?

FEZ: I'm sorry. But maybe we can go to the movies sometime.

RHONDA: And make out in the theater? Yeah! Call me (she gives him a kiss and leaves)

DONNA: Good God. Sober up, man.

FEZ: Oh, screw it, Donna. Fez likes them big. Fez likes them small. Fez likes them all.

 

THE END.