FORMAN BASEMENT
The gang is together in the basement. Donna comes in
JACKIE: Wow! Donna, you look great. What could it be? Oh, I know. You lost 80 pounds of ugly fat. Burn, Eric, burn!
ERIC: Okay, first of all I weigh a 130...49 pounds.
FEZ: Yeah. You look good too, Eric. You lost your one true love, so... Looking good.
DONNA: Eric, I found these records of yours, and I thought you might want them back.
HYDE: Ah, the unpleasant exchange of possessions after the horrific breakup.
Awkward for them, entertaining for us.
KELSO: Whoa, whoa. Shut up. Don Kirshner's starting.
DONNA: Oh, right. Paul McCartney and Wings are on tonight (she sits down)
ERIC (pacing around): Okay, so... Okay, we're all here now. So... So, Donna, you're staying?
DONNA: Okay.
ERIC: What I meant to say was... Look, Donna, I don't think it's cool if you hang out here.
DONNA: So, what, you're like, kicking me out? (silence) Wow. Okay then. Bye.
JACKIE: Well, if you're kicking her out, then you're kicking me out.
ERIC: No, Jackie no. Oh, wait. I mean, BYE!
OPENING CREDITS
PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM
Jackie is sitting on the couch, Donna is pacing around
DONNA: So, it's just not fair. He doesn't, like, get my friends 'cause he has some stupid, crappy basement.
JACKIE: Right! You helped make that basement what it is today.
DONNA: Right. No one would even go over there before me. It smelled like feet.
JACKIE: Donna, you have to fight back. Okay, when a couple splits up the woman deserves her fair share of the life she helped build.
DONNA: How much is that?
JACKIE: All of it! Donna, it's the law.
DONNA: You know, normally, that statement would really offend me. But now that I'm single and pissed, you're making a lot of sense.
FORMAN BASEMENT – THE CIRCLE
Eric is ranting about Donna, the rest is looking pretty bored
ERIC: And then shejust comes down in the basement like it's no big deal. After what happened? And she's just gonna act like everything's cool and everything's fine? You don't love me, you don't get my couch... or my friends. I'm a package deal, baby.! So, I just told her, ''Fire up those walking sticks, Big Red, because this ain't happening. I'm not having it.''
HYDE (sighs): Hey, Forman, we were all there and that ain't how it happened. You wanna talk about it some more?
ERIC: Mmm, no.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
The doorbell rings, Kitty answers it
DAVE: Hello, Kitty.
KITTY: Oh, Pastor Dave! What a nice surprise. How's... God?
DAVE: Fine, thank you. So, I was wondering if, uh, Red was home.
KITTY: Oh, no. What did he do?
DAVE: No. No, no, nothing. I just thought he might like to, uh- I don't know- goof off?
KITTY: You want to spend time with Red?!
DAVE: Unless it's a bad time.
KITTY: Oh, no, no, no. This is a great time (she runs off to the kitchen, whispering) Oh, my God! Red has a visitor! (in the kitchen to Red) Red, Pastor Dave's here! For you! Hurry!
RED: Oh, yeah. I ran into him in the hardware store. You know, he was gonna try to paint his garage without priming (laughing) That crazy bastard (he leaves for the living room)
KITTY: Oh, my. Red has a friend.
FORMAN DRIVEWA
Hyde pulls up, Fez jumps out the back. Kelso, Jackie and Hyde get out the front. Donna walks uo
DONNA: Psst! (whispering) What are you guys doing today?
FEZ (whispering): We're going to the basement.
DONNA: Hmm. Sounds fun. But you know what sounds like even more fun?
KELSO: Oh! Playing with a bunch of monkeys?
DONNA: Well, yeah. But we got cable TV at my house which we all know has the potential for flashes of brief nudity. Nudity!
The gang seem to think about the prospect
JACKIE: Cable? Oh, you are so gonna win this breakup!
FEZ: Now, wait just a minute. Eric is our friend, our brother. We cannot just abandon him for nude boobs.
HYDE: Good point, Fez. This nudity you speak of, are we talking full frontal?
DONNA: Does it matter?
HYDE: No. Let's go.
FORMAN BASEMENT
TV is on. Only Eric and Fez are there
ERIC: So, you have no idea where everyone is?
FEZ: Everyone who?
KELSO (coming in): Hey, you got any Popsicles? Donna's all out.
ERIC: Oh, so that's how it is? Everyone's over at Donna's?
KELSO (with a box of Popsicles in his hand): Eric, man, I'm sorry. And I know that we've been friends for, like, a really long time but, uh, we were watching Barbarella on cable. Man, and I not only saw boobs, but I saw boobs in space! Yeah, space boobs, Eric! There's no gravity!
ERIC: She got cable? That sneaky little wench.
KELSO: No, no. And corn dogs! (he leaves)
FEZ: Oh, dogs wrapped in corn. Oh, sweet meat on a stick.
ERIC: Just go.
FEZ: Thank you.
FORMAN KITCHEN
Kitty comes in carrying groceries. She sees a note that Red left for ger
KITTY: ''At Dave's. Back around : 5. Red.'' Oh!
She imagines Dave and Red painting a garage door together:
RED: I hadn't realized before, but the primer is like your emotions. It's what's underneath the surface.
DAVE: And the rust is like your anger.
RED: Boy... having a male companion to talk to is changing my life.
Later, Red and Dave are inside the garage building a bird house:
RED: I wish I could tell Kitty exactly how I feel about her but I just can't find the words.
DAVE: I'll help you. We'll find the words together.
Then Red and Dave are mowing the lawn together:
RED: Oh, sure sometimes I feel like crying, but I just can't.
DAVE: You can with me.
Back in the kitchen, Red comes in
RED: Hey.
KITTY: Oh, hello. So, how was your day? What did you and your new friend do?
RED: Well...
We see Red and Dave sitting on a couch, watching TV and eating crisps. Red
grunts and Dave responds "Yeah"
KITTY: So, that's all you did?
RED: Yep.
KITTY: Well, you didn't talk about anything?
RED: Nope.
KITTY: Do you hate him?
RED: Kitty, don't start.
KITTY: No, no, no. All I'm saying is, people with friends live longer. And you are not good at keeping friends. Bob's scared of you, and Earl isn't speaking to you. What about Frank?
RED: Frank's dead.
KITTY: Exactly. It is time to replace your dead friend Frank. I win.
PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM
The gang are watching TV at Donna's
KELSO: Oh, look, there's a boob!
FEZ: There's two. Oh, wait. Four. It's the mother lode.
HYDE: Oh, man. Guy butt. Look away.
KELSO: I feel kinda bad.
JACKIE: Hon, it's just guy butt. It won't hurt you.
KELSO: No! About Eric. I mean, he was totally in the right to kick Donna out.
JACKIE: Oh, he was not right. Now, you agree with me!
KELSO: No (she pinches him) Ow.
JACKIE: Agree with me.
KELSO: No! Donna broke his heart, and now she should have to pay.
DONNA (to Kelso): Chex Mix?
KELSO: Oh, thank you, Donna.
JACKIE: Oh, we are so not talking.
KELSO: All right, Jack...
JACKIE: I said, not talking!
FEZ: Well done.
KELSO: All right, Fez. The...
FEZ: I said, well done!
ERIC (coming in): Oh, there are all my friends. Hey, Donna, I found these socks of yours so I thought I'd just, you know, run 'em right over.
He sits down between Hyde and Fez
DONNA: Eric, you can't hang out here. It's really uncomfortable, so...
ERIC: Uncomfortable? Who's uncomfortable?
Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso raise their hands
ERIC: Oh, fine.
HYDE: Look, man, I'd go with you, but, you know, it's cable.
ERIC: Whatever.
HYDE: Hey, want me to come by later and tell you about the boobs?
ERIC: No! Yeah (he walks off)
FORMAN KITCHEN
Kitty is on the phone
KITTY: It's Dave for you (she hands him the phone and makes a happy dance)
RED: Yeah? Fine. Right. Okay. Hm. (he hangs up)
KITTY: You do not grunt to a friend. Friends don't grunt.
RED: Hm.
ERIC (running in): Okay, so I was over at the Pinciottis' crouched behind the hedge next to the house, and I distinctly heard laughter. Laughter! Well, I will tell you what. I am not going down without a fight. No, sirree, Bob. (Kitty and Red watch him in amazement) Bob!
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
Eric is talking to Bob
BOB: The kids really like my jokes?
ERIC: Oh. Mr. Pinciotti, if you only knew the number of times Donna's shared one of your doozies with the gang. Lordy, how we laugh and laugh. And laugh.
BOB: Right. I'm goin'.
ERIC: Okay.
PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM
The gang are on the couch, listening to Bob's jokes
BOB: But the tennis pro says ''We don't serve those kind of balls". (only Fez likes the joke)
Bob is doing a magic trick but it backfires. Only Fez likes it. Then Bob is singing "What's new pussycat" and only Fez sings along
FORMAN BASEMENT
The gang are back
ERIC: Welcome home, friends. Who wants Popsicles?
JACKIE: Hey, I don't feel good about this.
KELSO: Well, would you rather be at Donna's singing backup to ''Cha Cha Di Amore''?
Donna comes in
ERIC: Oh. Well, will you look who's here.
DONA: That was a dirty trick, Forman.
ERIC: Well, I'd love to stay and talk about it, but we're on our way to the movies.
ALL: Yeah.
DONNA: Fine. Then I'm taking them bowling Saturday.
ALL: Yeah!
ERIC: Fine.
FEZ: Ooh, what a fun weekend.
HYDE: Hey, look, you guys can't buy our loyalty with these little field trips. You're gonna have to start buying us some stuff we can take home.
JACKIE: Well, look, I think it's stupid to have to go day by day. Why doesn't Donna just get us on the weekends?
KELSO: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not fair because then Eric gets all the weekday headaches and Donna gets all the fun time.
DONNA: Fine. Then we'll make a schedule. Eric?
ERIC: Fine. Have a seat.
FEZ: Make sure to schedule time with Bob. He takes me to Chuckle Town.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Red and Kitty are in the living room
KITTY: So, um, what are you and Dave gonna do today? Go out to the garage and talk friend to friend? That would be nice.
RED: No. We're gonna turn on the fight and watch two nice men beat the living hell out of each other. That's nice.
Doorbell
KITTY: Oh, come on in, Pastor Dave. Red and I are just so happy that you are here. Especially Red.
RED: Kitty...
KITTY: I want you to know that it is so nice for Red to finally have a boyfriend.
RED: For God sakes, Kitty!
KITTY: Oh, lighten up, silly. ''Man friend.'' Whatever. Someone to talk to, share their feelings with. Anyway, you are an important part of Red's life.
DAVE: Oh. Well uh...
RED: Wait. No. Don't listen to her. I don't really want to share my feelings with you. Hell, I don't even think I have feelings. Now, let's just watch these two guys beat the crap out of each other.
DAVE: Sold!
KITTY: Well, I don't care what you say. You're boyfriends and that's nice.
DAVE: You know, Red, I am so glad that I have someone to share with because I woke up this morning feeling upset. Ha-ha! I gotcha!
RED: Good one, Dave. Good one! Don't ever do that again.
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
The gang all get out of Eric's car
HYDE: I'm just saying, Forman you really didn't deliver on the afternoon like I was hoping.
ERIC: Dude, I took you everywhere. I bought everything. It was a great day.
HYDE: I don't know, man. I mean, I asked you for a six-pack. You brought me out a tall boy. I'm just saying.
ERIC: Fine. Whatever (to Donna) They're all yours.
DONNA: Twenty minutes late.
ERIC: Sorry. We had to stop so Fez could pee.
FEZ: Yes, it was my fault. Please do not fight.
DONNA: Eric, listen, travel time should come out of your time, not mine. What's on Fez's face?
FEZ: Nothing. Nothing.
DONNA: Is that ice cream? Now he won't want dinner!
FEZ: I am sorry I ate ice cream, Donna. Do not be mad.
DONNA: Oh. Fez, I'm mad at Eric, not at you. This is not about you.
ERIC: Listen, I'm not about to limit our good time to help with yours.
DONNA: Why would you do anything to help me?
ERIC: Oh, you listen, missy. I'm not gonna...
FEZ: Stop it! Stop it! You are tearing us apart!
HYDE: I hope you're happy. Now you've upset Fez.
KELSO: Yeah alright and your fighting is making me and Jackie fight and that interferes with us doing it. And that ain't good.
JACKIE: So, until you guys fix this, we're not hanging out with either one of you. Let's go.
FEZ: Hyde, I'm sticky.
HYDE: Come on. Let's get you cleaned up.
FEZ: And I'm sleepy.
HYDE: I know. You had a big day!
They leave, leaving Donna and Eric behind
DONNA: This is your fault. None of this would have happened if you hadn't been such a jerk and kicked me out of the basement.
ERIC: Well, you came in and you were just so ''Oh, we broke up, and I don't care, and, hey, let's just watch TV.'' Tra la la la la
DONNA: Eric, I was faking it. I'm miserable and uncomfortable and this whole thing sucks.
ERIC: You're miserable? Well, that's great! I mean, I'm miserable too. Okay, so, how about this? We just hang out together and pretend everything's fine for, you know... for the sake of our friends.
DONNA: I can do that.
ERIC: Okay. But, you know, you have to stop trying to look so hot when you come over.
DONNA: I have not been doing that.
ERIC: Red lipstick, no bra?
DONNA: Okay, yeah, I did that.
END CREDITS
FORMAN BASEMENT
The gang are all in the basement
ERIC: And, Fez, you sit on the dryer. Okay. This new seating arrangement should really work.
BOB (coming in): There you kids are. I think I finally remembered the punch line to the Italian midget joke.
KELSO: My mom made fish.
HYDE: I gotta register for the draft.
JACKIE: Me too.
ERIC: I gotta go count my G.I.Joes.
DONNA: I'll be in the oven.
They all run off, exept for Fez
FEZ: Wow. Tough room.
THE END.
