COLD OPENING
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red's sitting at the table, Kitty enters flipping
THROUGH MAIL.
RED: Any good mail?
KITTY: Well, we got the new Yarn Barn catalog (INCREDULOUS) and the model is showing cleavage? If I want that in my house, I'll watch "McMillan and Wife."
She tosses the catalog on the counter.
KITTY: Oh, Steven got a letter from the Department of Motor Vehicles.
RED: What? Another damn ticket?
Eric and Hyde enter. Red holds up the letter.
RED: Hey, screwhead, why is the DMV sending you letters?
HYDE: (Laughs) Screwhead. (To Eric) Hey, screwhead.
ERIC: No, no, you're screwhead. I'm just called "boy."
HYDE: I got a letter from the DMV?
Red hands Hyde his letter.
ERIC: Oh God, it's about the cow! Did I say cow, I meant cow-ntdown. To better driving.
HYDE (Beat); I think what Eric means is that he hit a cow.
ERIC: I had the right of way!
RED: Well, go ahead, open it, hot rod. You know, you have to be the most irresponsible, careless, no-account --
HYDE (Off letter): It's a license renewal for my eighteenth birthday.
Everyone turns to Red. He looks at them uncomfortably, then turns to Hyde.
RED : Oh. (Then) Happy birthday!
OPENING CREDITS
Kelso laughs as Hyde shoves him off and axits.
KITTY: Oh, Steven likes birthdays. He just doesn't know it. Which is why we're going to throw him a surprise party. Okay, I'll need two helpers with, keen, feminine sensibilities to decorate. (Then) Jackie...and Fez.
FEZ: Yay!
Kitty and Fez exits. Jackie gets up to follow.
DONNA: What the hell?! I'm feminine. I ought to kick her ass for that!
KELSO: Hey, Jackie, while you're up there (Angry) try not to kiss any more guys!
Jackie exits.
ERIC: You're still fighting about that?
KELSO: Hey, you gotta come down hard on stuff like this. If she'd come down harder on me when I was cheating, I would've...well I would've been way sneakier about it.
ERIC: Y'know what? Eighteen is a big deal. We need to get Hyde, like, the perfect Hyde gift, so let's try to put ourselves in a total Hyde state of mind.
A moments later.
ERIC: Yeah...now, what would Hyde want? Something... stolen.
DONNA: Stolen's good, but y'know what's better? Stolen and dirty. So what's a good gift for Hyde that's stolen and dirty?
KELSO: Someone else's pig? (Then) No wait. I got it! A street sign. We'll steal it, so it'll be stolen, and it's dirty, so it'll be dirty.
ERIC; Oh my God, Kelso just solved his first word problem.
KELSO: Yeah, I learned those in Mrs.Carter's class 'cause I knew if I got one right, she'd give me a hug. No bra and they were always pointy. Now that's good teachin'!
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
Kitty, Jackie and Fez are there with Bob.
BOB: No problem, you can have Hyde's party here. There's only one thing I ask... can I come?
KITTY: The party's at your house, Bob, of course you're invited.
BOB: Oh boy, I'm in! I'll get my Anne Murray albums!
Bob exits.
KITTY: Okay you two, I want this party to look nice. Streamers, balloons, whatever makes Steven forget he has no parents. You might want to think about a face painter.
Kitty exits.
JACKIE: Okay, Fez, how do you want to decorate this place?
FEZ: What I'm thinking--
JACKIE: No, no, no. I want to do Arabian Nights! Veils! Persian rugs!
Fez is irked Jackie cut hil off.
FEZ: Uh-huh. One question: is this a party for Hyde, or a bunch of whores in a whorehouse?
Jackie gasps.
FEZ: I say we go with a navy theme. Ahoy, matey!
JACKIE: Wow. That would be great. If Hyde was in the Village People!
FEZ: What are you saying about my favorite band?
JACKIE: I'm just saying people are talking.
FEZ: Well, let them! Find a song more butch than "Macho Man." Oh please, I dare you!
"HIGH STREET" CORNER
Eric, Donna and Kelso exit the van and walk to the street sign. It says "Hight Street" and is atop a large, metal pole anchored firmly to the ground. Kelso wears a down west.
KELSO: Check it out! "High Street." Hyde's gonna love it.
ERIC: Here, Donna, I'll give you a boost.
He interlocks his hands for her to step on. His fingers goto the ground, he pulls away.
ERIC: Fingers!
KELSO: Fine, Forman, I'll give you a boost.
ERIC: No way.
KELSO: Why not?
ERIC: You'll throw me.
KELSO: No I won't! (Then chuckles) Yeah, I will.
DONNA: How about we just stand on top of the van to reach it?
KELSO: I think not! We'll dent the roof. I don't want anything happening to the love bus. I got a better idea.
A few minutes later
The sign is chained to the van's bumper. Kelso sits in the driver 's seat.
KELSO: Okay, make sure it's tight.
ERIC (Off chain): Yup. You're good.
Kelso drives. The chain goes taut. They can drive off leaving the bumper behind. The sign doesn't move.
DONNA: Well, at least the roof's okay.
FORMAN KITCHEN
Kitty bakes. Frosted cupcakes cover the entire kitchen table. Red read his paper. Hyde enters. He spots the cupcakes and hold pne up.
KITTY (startled) Steven! I thought you were at work.
HYDE: Not 'til later. (SUSPICIOUS) Why are you baking so many cupcakes?
KITTY: I had four dozen eggs, they were gonna go bad.
HYDE: Mrs. Forman, I really don't want a party. And I'm not saying that because I'm fishing for a party, I mean I really don't want one.
KITTY: Uh-huh
HYDE: 'Cuz I know how this family works. You guys say you don't want stuff you actually want. Like on Mother's Day, whey you said you didn't want a fuss, but you did want a fuss? So we made a fuss, and you were happy? That can drive a guy nuts.
RED (lowers paper) It really can.
KITTY: I didn't want a fuss.
HYDE/RED : Yes you did!
HYDE: So now I don't know exactly what to do, or say, or not say, 'cuz I don't want a party.
KITTY : Well I don't want to do anything you don't want.
HYDE (frustrated): See, I don't know what that means!
KITTY: It means there's no party.
Hyde eyes her doubtfully
KITTY: Oh please! Would I lie about making you a party? I'm hurt.
HYDE: Fine. Okay. Sorry.
Hyde exits to the driveway.
RED: You lied.
KITTY: No, no. I said, "Would I lie?" It was very tricky. I was like Houdini, but with words.
"HIGH STREET" CORNER
Eric, Donna and Kelso crouch around the base of the sign.
KELSO: Okay, see, the base of the sign is all cracked. So all we have to do is shove a firecracker in there and blammo! The sign comes down.
ERIC: Wow, that could work. If the base were made of pudding!
KELSO: (scornful) If the base were made of pudding, Eric, we could just pull it right out.
Kelso takes firecrackers and matches out of his pocket. He shoves the firecrackers into the concrete and lights a match.
KELSO: Okay, get ready to run.
He lights the fuse. They run and take cover behind the va,. The fuse burns down, but nothing happens.
KELSO: Huh. Maybe it's a dud. (to Eric) Go find out.
ERIC: Why me?
KELSO: 'Cause you're super skinny. If it explodes, you have the best chance of stuff not hitting you.
ERIC: True, but on the other hand, no one would be surprised if you blew yourself up.
KELSO: Good point. So it's a standoff.
DONNA: Oh just move.
Donna goes to the firecracker and picks it up.
DONNA: Here, you big babies.
She hands it to Kelso. He puts it in his jacket pocket.
ERIC: Okay, um, what you just did was so hot.
KELSO (to Donna): I'd follow your sweet ass into combat any day.
DONNA: Y'know, if we got Red's tools I could cut down the pole. Casey showed me how to saw through rebar. (girly) Our second date.
ERIC: I love those stories.
KELSO (to Eric): Hey, I'll sneak into your garage, grab the tools. Red'll never know.
ERIC: Fine. But you have to be quiet.
KELSO: C'mon, this is me you're talking about. I'm like a cat.
The firecracker explodes in his pocket. He screams. Feathers go everywhere.
FORMAN GARAGE
Kelso's in the garage rummaging trough red's tools. Red enters. Clears his throat. Kelso whips around.
KELSO: Red! Hey! You're wondering why I'm going through your stuff. Am I right? Or am I right? Or am I right? (off Red's glare) O-kay.
As Kelso talks, he moves to the driveway and situates himself so he's facing the garage. Red's back is to it.
KELSO: See, I need your saw because... I have to chop down a tree. (off Red's glare) Because... there's something stuck in it. An animal. (OFF GLARE) A rabbit. There's a rabbit stuck in a tree. And I want to return that rabbit to the wild so it can lay its eggs.
RED: Kelso, rabbits don't... How the hell did a rabbit get in a tree?
KELSO: Um...
Eric sneaks into the garage through the back door to snag Red's tools. Donna follows.
KELSO: Eric threw it up there!
Eric whips around to Kelso a shoots him a "what the hell?" look.
RED: Eric threw a rabbit up a tree?
KELSO: Yeah, he's a sadistic bastard. You know he hit a cow.
Eric starts angrily toward Kelso. Donna yanks him back. They escape out the back door with tools.
RED: Tell Eric I want to see him.
KELSO: Done and done. He could use a talking to.
RED: Get out of my garage!
Kelso gives Red a thumbs up as he strolls out.
FOTOHUT
Hyde's here, arms crossed, sullen. Leo stands in front of him.
LEO: You know, you've been in a bad mood all night. I'm gonna cheer you up. Check it out.
Leo makes baby "Goo-Goo, Ga-Ga" noises to Hyde. Tickles him a little. Hyde doesn't crack a smile. Leo makes several funny faces. Hyde's stone-faced. Leo walks like a chicken. Nothing.
LEO: Aw, you don't know what's funny.
HYDE: Listen, I'll work tomorrow night if you want me to.
LEO: You're not working tomorrow, it's your birthday.
HYDE: Yeah, my eighteenth birthday. Otherwise known as the beginning of the end. The black hole. The death march.
LEO: On the upside, you'll get cake. That'll be tasty.
HYDE: Eighteen sucks, man, no more free rides. I mean, if there's a war, I could get drafted.
LEO: If there's a war, I'll see you in Canada.
HYDE: That's not the point, Leo. There's other stuff, too!
LEO: Don't get snippy with me, I'm just planning ahead.
Jackie and Fez enter.
JACKIE: Hyde, we need you to settle an argument. I'm sure you know by now that we're throwing you a party.
HYDE: What? What party?
Jackie and Fez look at each other. A beat.
FEZ: Okay, I'm sure you know by now that we're throwing you a party. So, what kind of party theme would you like?
HYDE: Throw whatever party you want. I'm not gonna be there.
He exits in a huff.
JACKIE: Well, if that's his attitude, I'm not gonna do anything. I quit.
FEZ: You can't quit on me, I quit on you. Bossy little midget!
Jackie goes to slap Fez across the face, but just before she makes contact, he grabs her wirst and stops her, Karate-kid style.
FEZ: Don't even.
"HIGH STREET" CORNER
Eric, Donna and Kelso arrive with Red's tools, but a geeky, bespectabled kid as the "High Street" sign.
ERIC: Hey, what the hell?
KELSO: No, no. Excuse me, little boy with glasses? That's our sign.
GEEKY KID: Um, excuse me, big dork with Farrah hair? No it isn't.
KELSO: Farrah hair? If I look like any of Charlie's Angels, it is Jaclyn Smith!
DONNA: Wow, that's true.
ERIC: Okay, little fella, I got twenty bucks for a special someone if he'll give us the sign.
GEEKY KID: Nope.
KELSO: A month's supply of candy?
GEEKY KID: Nope.
DONNA: What if I show you my bra strap?
GEEKY KID: Okay!
ERIC/KELSO: Okay!
Eric and Kelso move to the kid so they can enjoy the snow. Donna flashes her bra strap. The kid is awestruck. He tries to speak but nothing comes out.
GEEKY KID: Here.
He gives donna the sign, grabs his bike, and rides off.
DONNA (pleased with herself): I bet if I showed him the whole bra, he would've given me his bike. These things are awesome.
She heads back to the van.
ERIC: That was hot. Man, why is she so hot today?
KELSO: Probably because you can't have her, because you lost her, because you're stupid.
ERIC: Jackie cheated on you. Why the tiny little cheese guy.
KELSO: Hey! (then) Okay, truce.
ERIC: I think that's best.
Kelso and Eric head toward the van. Kelso can't help himself.
KELSO (laughs): If you hadn't blown it with Donna, you'd probably be doing it with her right now.
ERIC: You know who's probably doing it right now? Jackie and the cheese guy.
KELSO: We had a truce!
PINCIOTTI DEN
The room is decorated in traditional party style, with streamers and balloons. There is food, punch, etc. Bob, Red and Kitty stand near a table with cupcakes on it. Donna prepares a pinanta. Jackie and Fez enter.
KITTY: Jackie, Fex, the decorations are beautiful.
FEZ: We didn't do this.
JACKIE: He's not from here. What he means is, we did do this. And thank you.
DONNA: No, no, no. They haven't been here all day. I did this because I'm feminine, too. I'm a lady. Why can't anyone freakin' see that?!
KITTY: Well, it's perfect. Next time I need a couple of girls I'll use you and Fez.
Red points to the table.
RED: Where are all the cupcakes?
BOB: Oh. The strangest thing happened. I ate 'em.
RED: Bob, there were over a dozen cupcakes here.
BOB: I'm sorry, Red. They're like vitamins to me.
Eric rushes in.
ERIC: Okay. Bad news. Hyde says he won't comes to the party. He'd rather stay in a moldy basement with a hot furnace. Man, that guy hates parties.
KITTY: But it's his birthday. He can't be alone on his birthday. Red?
RED: I agree. Eric, go home and sit with Steven. (off Kitty) Fine, I'll get him.
Red heads to the door and opens it. Leo is there.
LEO: Surprise!
Red jumps.
LEO: We got him, dudes!
FORMAN BASEMENT
Hyde's in his chair. Red enters from the side door.
RED: Alright, get your butt up those stairs and over to your party.
HYDE: I'm not going.
RED: Steven you're eighteen now. It's time to start being a man. And the first rule of being a man is you spend your life doing crap you don't want to do. Like I don't want to be here talking to you right now. But I am. And you don't want to go to a party. But you will.
HYDE: Actually, I won't.
RED: What's the matter, you don't like parties? Me neither. I hate people as much as you do.
HYDE: More, actually.
RED: But as long as you're living under my roof, you'll do what I tell you to do.
HYDE: Well lucky for me, I'm not going to be under your roof anymore, anyway.
RED: What the hell are you talking about?
HYDE: I'm eighteen, I should be getting out of here, right? I mean, that's what my dad did, my uncle did, and my cousins did. They were all on their own when they were my age.
RED: And what are they doing now?
HYDE: Uh, pumping gas, prison, prison, dead, prison.
RED: And the reason you live here is so you don't end up like them. But if you want to leave, I can't stop you. So what's it going to be Steven? Prison, death or a birthday party?
HYDE: I guess I'll go to the party.
They get up to go.H
HYDE: And thanks.
RED: You're welcome. Now don't tell Eric we had this conversation, because when he's eighteen he's out.
They exit.
PINCIOTTI DEN
The donkey pinata now hangs from the ceiling. Everyone but Red and Hyde is here, snackinh and drinking punch.
DRINKING PUNCH.
ERIC: So, punch.
DONNA: Yeah.
Eric looks at her for a beat.
DONNA: Oh, fine.
She shows him her bra strap.
ERIC: Oh my God, it's red! When did you start that?
DONNA: About a week after we broke up.
ERIC: Figures.
KITTY: Okay, they're coming! Shhh!
Everyone quiets down. Red and Hyde enter.
ALL: Surprise!
LEO: Okay, you got me.
Hyde stands there. Red elbows him. Hyde rolls his eyes and plasters on a smile.
HYDE: Wow! Thanks!
JACKIE: Happy Birthday!
She kisses Hyde on the cheek. Kelso spots her from across the room.
KELSO: Damn, Jackie! Stop kissing other guys!
Later, Eric, Donna and Kelso present Hyde with the street sign.
HYDE: Oh man, this is great. Did you get this at the flea market?
ERIC: The flea market?
HYDE: Yeah, they sell them for like two bucks.
ERIC: No, we stole it. It took forever!
DONNA: I had to show my bra!
HYDE: No, this is cool because this one plus my other two makes a set of three
KELSO (to Hyde): You owe me a bumper!
Everyone at the pinata. Kitty finishes blind folding Hyde.
HYDE: Mrs. Forman, I'm really not a piñata guy.
KITTY: (handing him a stick) Come on Steven, everyone plays piñata.
KELSO (taunting): Yeah Steven, hit the jackass.
Hyde lifts his blindfold and rushes Kelso.
KELSO: Hey!
They take off running out the door. Hyde stands with Red. Kitty approaches with a knit sweater that says "Steven!" on the front.
KITTY: I made this for you. See, it says "Steven" on the front because I heard that having your name on your clothes is cool. Plus, if anyone finds it, they can return it to you!
HYDE: So, I won't be able to lose it. Great.
Kitty kisses him and heads off. Hyde tucks the sweater under his arm.
RED: Put it on.
HYDE: Do I have to?
RED: You bet your ass.
Hyde puts the sweater on.
RED: Welcome to manhood. (laughs) Steven!
END CREDITS
PINCIOTTI DEN
Bob sings "For he's a jolly good fellow" in italian. Everyone else sits. Tortured, staring into space.
BOB (singing): PERCHE E UN BRAVO RAGAZZO / PERCHE E UN BRAVO RAGAZZO / PERCHE E UN BRAVO RAGAZZO / CHE NESSUNO PUO NEGAR
Bob appears to be done. Everyone starts to get up, but Bob starts singins again. Everyone sits back down and starts into space.
BOB (singing): CHE NESSUNO PUO NEGAR. / CHE NESSUNO PUO NEGAR. / PERCHE E UN BRAVO RAGAZZOOOOO / CHE NESSUNO PUO NEGAR.
THE END.
