TEASER
(Forman living room. Donna and Eric are sitting on the couch with Bob and Red standing to one side and Kitty standing to the other.)
RED: Of all the dumbass stunts you kids ever pulled, this little California adventure takes the dumbass cake.
KITTY: We are very disappointed in you, Eric. Even though going to California to rescue Donna is one of the most romantic things I've ever heard of.
BOB: That's true. (Sits next to Donna.) If he had gone by horse, they would've made it a movie.
DONNA: (Stands up) Look, Mr. Forman, before you get all scary and pink, I just want to say that running away to California was completely selfish and immature.
ERIC: (Stands up behind Donna) And as for me, as long as I live under your roof, and eat your food, I should be doing things your way.
RED: What a load of crap. You two are not above the law. Now, Eric, hand over the keys to the Vista Cruiser.
ERIC: What? Dad, no. The Cruiser's my Batmobile. Without it, I'm just a guy in a silly outfit.
RED: (holds out hand) Now, Eric.
BOB: (Stands up) A little time apart will do you kids some good. So, Donna, I transferred you to the Catholic High School, Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.
DONNA: What!?
BOB: That's right. You're starting next week so you better get out your bible and brush up on your 10 commandments and that thing about the dwarves.
(Eric and Donna look at each other)
********
(The basement. Jackie and Hyde are lying on the couch making out, Hyde on top of Jackie. They hear off-key singing and the words to the "Star Spangled Banner" all messed up. They stop kissing and try to figure out what it is.)
HYDE: What the hell?
JACKIE: Fez!
(She pushes Hyde off of her. They hurriedly separate and move to opposite ends of the couch. Fez enters, singing the song.)
FEZ: (Singing) Oh, say, can you see… (Stops singing and speaks suspiciously.) Wait a second. You two look sweaty and guilty. Have you been eating my candy?
JACKIE: What candy?
FEZ: I didn't say candy. And I certainly don't have any candy hidden in the garage. (He stops smiling as he thinks about what he just said. Haltingly) I will be in the garage. (He turns and leaves.)
JACKIE: Steven, that was way too close. (Stands up and straightens her dress.) You need to learn to keep your hands off me. (Sits back down as Hyde shifts his position.)
HYDE: Me? You're the one who can't keep her tongue to herself.
JACKIE: Oh, please. I let you fool around with me out of pity.
HYDE: You know what your problem is? You're really cute, so no one ever told you to shut your pie hole.
JACKIE: You--you think I'm cute?
HYDE: Shut your pie hole!
(They once again begin making out.)
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
(Basement. Jackie and Hyde are still making out. They pull apart as they hear someone come down the stairs.)
KELSO: A Catholic school? That's rough. (Eric, Donna, and Kelso come into view.) Yeah, my dad took away my slingshot, so I'm feelin' it pretty bad, too. (Kelso sits down by Jackie as Donna and Eric walk over to the deep freeze.)
ERIC: (to Jackie and Hyde.) What were you guys doing?
HYDE: Oh, we were just watchin', uh…this old lady's eatin' a fish.
KELSO: Look…Jackie…we've been avoidin' each other. I think it's time we hash this thing out.
JACKIE: It's okay, I'm good.
KELSO: I could see you're devastated over losin' me.
JACKIE: (Glances at Hyde then looks at Kelso) You know what, Michael, I'm fine. Really.
KELSO: You sound brave. But inside you're a scrambled mess. Just remember this-I'll always be there for you in case you have any physical needs, all right? (Puts his arm around Jackie's shoulder. Hyde leans over and punches him in his other shoulder. Kelso pulls his arm back and looks at Hyde.) Damn, Hyde! What was that for?
HYDE: (with a smartass smile) I just missed you, man.
(Kelso smiles at him and goes back to his sucker.)
JACKIE: Wait. Donna, you're actually gonna go to a Catholic school?
DONNA: Not just Catholic school. Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. That means sad forever. Eric, we're never even gonna see each other.
ERIC: Yeah, I know, and I can't even drive you to school. And we can forget about any lunchtime hokey-pokey. That's what it's all about.
HYDE: Yeah, it sucks not having a car. (Stands up.) Well, I'm gonna go drive mine. (Taps Eric's shoulder then walks behind the couch) Catch you guys later.
JACKIE: Wait, wait, Steven, where you goin'?
HYDE: What do you care?
JACKIE: I don't. (Hyde walks out the door and closes it.) Um…you know, I just remembered that I have to go to the mall because they're having this big Monday Madness sale.
DONNA: Jackie…it's Tuesday.
JACKIE: See? Total madness! (Leaves the basement.)
KELSO: Poor kid. Tryin' to replace me with shoppin'.
DONNA: (She and Eric walk behind the couch.) Eric, what are we gonna do? I mean, if I go to this school our senior year is ruined. I mean, we're not even gonna graduate together.
ERIC: You know what? Bob is not sending you to that Catholic school. Now, we're gonna sit down, we're gonna figure out what we're gonna do. Guys, let's get serious.
******
(Eric, Donna, Fez, and Kelso are sitting in the Circle.)
ERIC: It's simple. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob. I love a good march. (Chuckles) My birthday's in March, and then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh! "The Seduction of Eric Forman," starring the insatiable April Showers.
DONNA: Are you really gonna go talk to my dad for me? Eric, you're so sweet and brave. Pound for pound, you're, like, the bravest guy in the whole world. I love you so much.
FEZ: Well, my candy is safe…but something was up with Jackie. She looked scared, like a deer in the headlights with his pants down.
KELSO: Man, I feel sorry for Jackie. I mean, to have to look at this all day and not be able to touch it. (Chuckles) I can't even do that.
(Camera pans to Eric's spot, it's empty. It rapidly moves to Donna's spot where she and Eric are making out.)
ERIC: God, I love you.
DONNA: I love you more.
FEZ: Sexy.
KELSO: Hey, you two quit it, ok? This Circle is sacred. You don't do anything in here you wouldn't do in a church. No, wait-in a Cemetery. No, wait-in the teacher's lounge. Man, I've done it everywhere.
SCENE TWO
(Jackie's bedroom. She gets a large shoebox and walks back over to the bed where Donna is.)
JACKIE: Okay, this is my Michael box. I saved everything that loser ever gave me. (Opens it and pulls out a rubber chicken.) Hmm. One-year anniversary. (Pause.) What a moron. (Throws the chicken in the trash, followed by a few other things)
DONNA: Wow. (Picks up a pair of mechanical teeth) You know, I guess Kelso's really history for you. I never thought that'd happen until you met someone else. (Thinks) You met someone else.
JACKIE: (Chuckles) What? Someone else? That's crazy. You're crazy. Shut your pie hole!
(Donna laughs and tosses the teeth back into the box.)
(Pinciotti kitchen. Bob is rummaging through the refrigerator. Eric walks in.)
ERIC: Hey. Check it out. I was at the bakery and this crumb cake came fresh out of the oven. And when I think crumb cake, I think Bob.
BOB: Uh-huh. What do you want?
ERIC: I want to talk to you about Donna and that Catholic school.
BOB: Crumb cake isn't gonna get me to change my mind. (Sits down at the table.)
ERIC: Are you sure? (Opens the box and sniffs.) Those are real crumbs.
BOB: She's goin' to that school, and that's final.
ERIC: Ok. Fine. But know this-I'm prepared to fight this with every fiber of my being. (Donna walks in wearing her school uniform.) On the other hand…you-you can't put a price on a good education.
SCENE THREE
(Stairwell to the Basement. Eric is following Donna down the stairs.)
ERIC: I can't believe they're makin' you wear those knee-high socks every day.
DONNA: (Laughs and opens the door to reveal Jackie and Hyde making out on the couch.) What the hell?!
JACKIE: Oh my god.
ERIC: I'm blind!
DONNA: Jackie!
JACKIE: (pushes Hyde.) Get off me.
HYDE: (looks Donna up and down.) Great outfit.
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
(The basement, where we left off.)
JACKIE: Ok. So, um, what exactly did you see?
ERIC: (walking behind the couch.) Hands…tongues…yours…his. It was horrible!
DONNA: You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard.
HYDE: Hey. It was her fault, man. She threw herself at me. (Gets off the couch.)
JACKIE: No, no. You were on top of me.
HYDE: You pulled me. I've done a lot of partying. So, you know…my balance is off.
ERIC: This is impossible. You two hate each other.
DONNA: Kelso is gonna freak out.
ERIC: (Gasping.) Kelso!
HYDE: Settle down, Esmerelda. (Sits in his chair.) Kelso doesn't need to know about this.
JACKIE: Yeah. Look, it's just a meaningless fling, ok? We can stop whenever we want.
ERIC: Then maybe you should.
JACKIE: Why do you even care?
ERIC: Because you're breakin' up the band, Yoko!
FEZ: (Enters basement and looks at Donna.) Well, naughty ladies wear plaid.
DONNA: Fez, please.
FEZ: That's right. Beg for it sexy schoolgirl.
DONNA: Fez! We just caught these two frenching like a couple of French people at a frenching festival.
FEZ: What? That's impossible. You two hate each other.
ERIC: I said, like…I just said that.
DONNA: Okay, you… are gonna tell us how this all happened right now.
HYDE: Oh, I like it when you order me around in that uniform.
JACKIE: Ok. Fine. Look, I'll just tell you what happened. It was a few weeks after Donna and Michael left. And Steven invited me over to listen to a new record.
(Fantasy sequence: The Basement, Hyde is standing by the record player as Jackie enters and looks at him.)
HYDE: I'm glad you're here. Check it out. (Holds up ABBA record and starts playing it, then speaks all excited and peppy.) Isn't it the coolest? Don't you just want to shake it?
(Jackie and Hyde begin disco dancing. The scene pauses as Hyde speaks.)
HYDE: Wait, time-out on the field. I don't shake it and I don't listen to ABBA.
JACKIE: Whatever. It's my story. Anyway… (Scene resumes with the disco dancing.) I could totally tell he was tryin' to make a move. Then he held me real close and said…
HYDE: May I kiss you, m'lady?
(Jackie nods and they kiss. End fantasy.)
(Everyone but Jackie and Hyde are laughing.)
DONNA: Hyde, I had no idea you could be so formal.
HYDE: Come on. She's so full of crap.
ERIC: Well, then, why don't you tell us what really happened…m'lady.
HYDE: Fine. Fine. Ok? So, I'm hangin' out in the Basement like I usually do, when Jackie showed up. It was obvious she wanted me.
(Begin fantasy. Hyde is sitting in his chair watching TV when Jackie walks in. She walks over to him)
JACKIE: I want you.
HYDE: It's obvious.
(She sits on his lap and they begin making out. End Fantasy.)
JACKIE: That-that's crazy! No, no. You so came on to me first.
DONNA: You know, you said that you didn't have a new boyfriend.
JACKIE: He is not my boyfriend.
HYDE: I'm not her boyfriend. They just don't get it.
JACKIE: No. Why would they? Let's go, Baby. (They get up and leave the Basement.)
ERIC: I'm leaving, too. This Basement is tainted for me now. (He leaves and Fez follows him.)
DONNA: (Follows the boys.) Well…I still want to know how the hell all this happened.
(Black screen: "What Really Happened." Hyde and Jackie are sitting on the couch in the basement watching "The Price is Right.")
TV ANNOUNCER: Evelyn Peabody! Come on down! You're the next contestant on "The Price is Right!"
JACKIE: Another old lady. She can't even reach the wheel.
HYDE: I can't watch "The Price is Right" again. I just can't.
JACKIE: This summer totally sucks. There's nothing to do.
(Jackie and Hyde look at each other. There's a few flashes of their lips, their eyebrows arching, their pecs flexing then they kiss and turn back to the tv.)
LADY ON TV: I bid one dollar, Bob.
(They glance at each other again and begin making out.)
SCENE TWO
(Forman kitchen. Kitty is cooking, Eric walks in.)
ERIC: Hey. I'm gonna take Donna to school. Oh! That's right. Dad took away my car when I did that really…super…romantic thing. Well, I guess we were reunited…just to be ripped apart again. Like "Romeo and Juliet."
KITTIE: (Rubbing hands together.) You know… (Glances around for Red.) Why don't you take the car this one time? (Reaches into drawer and pulls out the keys.) It'll be our little secret.
ERIC: (Whispers) Ok.
KITTY: (with finger up to lips.) Shhhhh!
(Eric turns to the door with the keys in his hand as Red enters.)
RED: Where do you think you're going?
ERIC: Mom said I could.
RED: You just bought yourself another week, kiddo.
ERIC: Look, Dad, I need my car. Don't you remember when you were in high school? I--I bet you had some good times drivin' around senior year with your friends.
RED: My senior year I was drivin' a gunboat around Okinawa. And if you count the Japanese snipers as my friends…then, yes, I had some good times.
KITTY: You have to understand, Eric. It's not that you're father's trying to be a bad guy. It's just that he's been irreparably damaged by war.
RED: I'm just sick of you doin' whatever the hell you want.
KITTY: Your father and I feel you're not taking yourself seriously. (Donna appears between Red and Kitty, taking out the trash and the camera zooms in on her as if from Eric's point of view.) You are-are such a talented young man, and…(trails off as Eric's attention gets focused on Donna.)
RED: Eric?!
ERIC: Oh, uh. Yeah. Forget about the car. I gotta go. (Walks out of the kitchen. Red and Kitty turn to watch him.)
KITTY: Oh, look how cute in her little uniform.
RED: I'm gonna have to lock him in his room and poke his eyes out.
********
(The Basement. Everyone but Donna is sitting around.)
KELSO: Here's what I don't get about "Fantasy Island." You know when you get off the plane and you see Mr. Roarke and that little kid in the white suit? (Gets up and walks to deep-freeze for a soda.) Well, if it's me, I'm, like, this is creepy. Right? So I just grab a free daiquiri and I'm outta there.
(Donna walks in and the guys clap.)
DONNA: Grow up. It's just a uniform.
HYDE & KELSO: I'm sorry.
FEZ: You're right. I'm sorry.
(Donna reaches up and lets her hair out of the bun. They guys clap again harder.)
KELSO: Man, that was totally worth waitin' for.
FEZ: I agree. Now we can go.
(Fez and Kelso walk to the door.)
ERIC: How was your first day?
DONNA: Grim. This nun totally spanked me with a ruler.
FEZ: (Stops with Kelso.) Yet another reason I wish I was a ruler.
(When the door closes after Fez and Kelso leave, Hyde gets up out of his chair, grabs a magazine and sits down by Jackie. Eric jumps off the couch and Donna stands up.)
DONNA: Wait a minute!
ERIC: Weird!
DONNA: Ok…now you guys are sitting together?
ERIC: Oh my God! You guys aren't just fooling around. You care about her.
HYDE: I do not. (Looks at Jackie.) She sickens me.
JACKIE: No. No. I'm the one who's sickened. (Stands up and walks over to Hyde's chair.) Ok? I'm not supposed to be seen with scruffy guys like you. I date guys I can take out in public. (Sits down in the chair.)
ERIC: Yet you continue with this abomination!
DONNA: You know, you guys have to tell Kelso.
ERIC: Or…we'll tell Kelso. Shall we? (Starts for the door with Donna.)
DONNA: Yes.
JACKIE: Wait! No, no, no! Look, yes! What if we just break it off right now? Then he never has to know.
DONNA: Really?
HYDE: Look, there's nothing even to break off, so it's fine by me.
ERIC: Yes. This is what I want to hear. It'll be like it never happened. Donna, come. Let us leave this unholy thing behind. (He and Donna leave.)
JACKIE: (Gets up and sits down by Hyde.) Steven, do I really sicken you?
HYDE: No. I sicken me because you're supposed to sicken me, but you don't.
JACKIE: Well, I feel the same way. I mean, I like how scruffy you are.
HYDE: Of course you do. (Throws the magazine on the table and sighs.) Man, you know what? Screw it. Let's just do what we want. Ok? (He and Jackie kiss.)
JACKIE: (Pulling back.) Ok. What about Michael?
HYDE: Details, baby, details. (They kiss again.)
********
(Forman driveway, Eric and Donna are walking.)
ERIC: So, uh…so how's that uniform workin' out for you? (Donna smacks Eric.) Do you-do y-do you feel like a good girl that…can't help being bad? Be bad, Donna. (Whispers) I won't tell.
DONNA: Eric! It's not funny. I actually have to go to this school every day now. Without--without you.
ERIC: Ok, so…you know what? We'll see each other nights…weekends. And…I'll…come visit you at school. I mean, I still have a bike.
DONNA: Eric, it's, like, 10 miles away.
ERIC: 10-so what? These legs were made for peddlin'. Come on. You've seen my thighs.
DONNA: (Wraps her arms around Eric's waist.) You're a good boyfriend.
ERIC: You're a good boyfriend, who?
DONNA: (Pulls away.) I'm not callin' you Principal Forman. (Walks home.)
ERIC: Don't make me get the ruler, young lady. (Follows her.)
TAG
(Forman driveway. Fez is squatted down by the Vista Cruiser. The hubcap is off the front driver tire and he holds a bag of candy in his hand.)
FEZ: Red can take Eric's car, but he can have my car candy when he pries it from my cold dead fingers.
(Eric and Donna ride up on Eric's bike. Donna hops off the front.)
DONNA: Ha ha! You were right! 10 miles is nothing! Ha ha! Will you pick me up from school every day?
ERIC: (Breathlessly) Sure. (Donna gives him a kiss on the cheek then leaves. Eric chuckles weakly.) Um, whi-which-which arm hurts when you're about to have a heart attack?
