TEASER
(Eric Forman's Driveway, 6:14 P.M.)
(Donna and Eric are sitting on the hood of the Vista Cruiser)
DONNA: You know, Eric, I'm really happy with our relationship right now.
ERIC: Yeah, me too. It's like we're way past the broken up and miserable stage and we're back in the having sex again stage. Yeah, thumbs up from this end, too. Yeah.
DONNA: I'm serious. I mean, we've been through a lot, and even though some of it wasn't exactly fun, I mean, it was worth it, because now we know we can handle anything. And we don't freak out about the little stuff.
ERIC: Right. Like the time we got in that big fight because I ran over your cat.
DONNA: That wasn't little stuff, I really loved that cat.
ERIC: Yeah, no. Yeah, no, I know. I mean, uh, the cat was little.
DONNA: Anyway, when you came to California, I knew you were the one, so I got you a gift to symbolize how far we've come.
ERIC: Is it, like, one of those gifts that women get for men but they actually wear themselves?
DONNA: (Smiles and reaches into her pocket and pulls out a ring box and hands it to him.) Here.
ERIC: (Opens the box and smiles awkwardly, not sure what to say.) It's a ring.
DONNA: Yeah.
ERIC: And I'm a man.
DONNA: Yeah, it's a man ring.
ERIC: A man ring. (Trying to be enthusiastic) Yay!
(Donna hugs him and Eric sends a 'what the hell' look into the air)
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
(Forman kitchen. Kitty is making breakfast, Red is sitting at the table reading the paper, and Eric walks in and to the table.)
ERIC: Morning.
RED: What the hell's that thing on your finger?
ERIC: (Holds up his hand.) This is my new man ring. Donna got it for me so I'll feel right at home when the gypsies come to town.
RED: Well, take it off. You look like some kind of fruity magician.
KITTY: Well, I think it's sweet. I can enjoy these things now because I am not gonna let menopause get me down. Mnh-mnh. No depression, night sweats, or sudden mood swings for me.
RED: Well, I guess that's starting today, huh? 'Cause last night you hit the trifecta there.
KITTY: Well, I just refuse to be sad about the fact that I'm never gonna have another baby. I don't need another baby. I got a lot to look forward to…like picking out my casket. (Starts to cry.)
RED: Oh, Kitty. (Gives her a kiss on the forehead.) It's okay. You've still got Eric. He's sort of a baby. I'll make him cry if you want.
SCENE TWO
(Forman basement. Eric is showing Kelso and Hyde his ring.)
KELSO: Man, that is one bigass ring. Hey, maybe people will think you won the Super Bowl.
HYDE: Nah, nobody'd believe that. But he could be the sick little kid the whole team rallies around.
(Hyde walks to his chair and sits down as Kelso rolls over the top of the couch to lie on it. Fez walks in through the door. Eric sits on the arm of the couch closest to the door. Fez stands in front of Eric, facing the guys.)
FEZ: Well, guys, wish me luck today. I have a job interview at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
ERIC: All right. Good luck, man. (Shakes his hand.)
FEZ: Oh, Eric. What a glorious man ring. See? I told you to accessorize, and you finally listened.
ERIC: (Surprised.) Man, you like it?
FEZ: Yeah. What's not to like? It's hypnotic. It looks like he has super powers.
KELSO: (Chuckling) I'd like to see the lame-o superhero that had to wear that ring.
(Fantasy sequence of Kelso's, a secret underground lair where six superheroes are hanging out.)
KELSO (BATMAN): Okay, Superpals, I need a danger alert status report.
HYDE (WONDER BOY): (stops making out with Jackie) My…sensors indicate peace and quiet throughout the universe. (Starts to make out with Jackie again)
FEZ (AQUAMAN): I think the oceans are secure, but I cannot check for another 45 minutes because…I just ate.
(A door slides open. Eric "Superman" and Donna "Wonder Woman" enter.)
ERIC (SUPERMAN): Hi, guys.
KELSO: No. You've been brainwashed and forced to wear this hideously ugly ring.
DONNA (WONDER WOMAN): Actually, it's a gift…from me.
HYDE: Form of the worst gift ever.
JACKIE (WONDER GIRL): Shape of…I hope you kept the receipt.
(Alarm goes off.)
ERIC: Oh, no! Alien zombies are attacking Earth. Let's swing into action, gang.
KELSO: Hang on a second! We're still on this ring.
HYDE: Are you sure it's not an evil alien artifact?
DONNA: I got it at the mall!
(The screen flashes and an image of Red pops up.)
RED (DR. BALD): Greetings, Super Dumbasses!
ERIC: Oh, no. It's Dr. Bald.
RED: Any minute now my army of alien zombies will be inva-Good Lord, that is an ugly ring. Hey, alien zombies, get a load of that ring.
(Everyone but Donna and Eric laughs.)
(End fantasy sequence. We're back to the Forman Basement, where we last left off.)
ERIC: That's it. This thing's coming off.
HYDE: Whoa! Be careful, man. You drop something that big and heavy, you'll throw off the Earth's rotation. We'll all go crashing into the sun.
KELSO: Yeah, way to use science in a burn.
**********
(Pinciotti Living Room. Donna is studying and Jackie rushes in.
JACKIE: Donna, guess who hates the ring you got him.
DONNA: Eric hates the ring? He told me he loved it.
JACKIE: (sits next to Donna.) Well, see, Eric told Steven that the ring was so ugly that the elephant man wears it to distract people from his face.
DONNA: That ring is beautiful. You know, what's ugly is his bony little finger.
JACKIE: Hey, you know what? If he can't appreciate it, let's just take it back and buy me somethin' pretty.
(Donna gives Jackie a grimace.)
**********
(DMV Office, Fez is getting interviewed.)
NINA: According to your application, your last job was as Dancer Number Three in the school production of "My Fair Lady."
FEZ: Yes, it was magical. I could have danced all night.
NINA: Uh-huh. I'm afraid your theater experience doesn't really apply to working here at the DMV.
FEZ: But, Nina, what is the DMV really if not one big stage?
NINA: The DMV is the Department of Motor Vehicles. It is not a stage.
FEZ: Ah, but in a way, they're very similar.
NINA: No, they're not.
FEZ: Ah, but really, they are.
NINA: No, they're not.
FEZ: (Sadly) Okay. They are.
NINA: No, they're not! I'm just gonna put down "No prior experience."
FEZ: Fair enough. Ah, but you haven't asked me about my special skills yet.
NINA: Well, I really don't see how a fondness for pie is relevant.
FEZ: But, Nina, what is the DMV really if not one big pie shop?
**********
(Forman Living Room. Red is in his chair reading the paper. Kitty is sitting on the couch, pointing the TV Clicker at the TV.)
KITTY: Great. Clicker's on the fritz. All I want to do is see the end of Guiding Light and it won't click. Click, damn it, click! (She slams the clicker down on the table.)
RED: Kitty, I think your lady problem is acting up again.
KITTY: It just won't click, that's all. It's supposed to click, Red. It's a clicker. That's what it does.
RED: Okay, let's get you to bed.
(They stand up and move toward the stairs. Eric walks in all agitated.)
ERIC: Okay, you guys, very important. Donna's coming over, and I lost the ring she gave me. I thought I had it in the basement
RED: Eric, please, your mother's having a breakdown
KITTY: No, the only thing having a breakdown around here is the clicker! Why won't it click, Red? Nothing loves me!
(Red and Kitty go upstairs as Eric continues searching. Donna walks in all upset.)
DONNA: Okay, Eric, Jackie just told me that Hyde told her that you hate the ring.
ERIC: Uh-oh.
DONNA: I happen to think it's beautiful. Besides, that is what a man ring looks like.
ERIC: Well, you know, Donna, maybe I'm just not a man ring kind of guy. I mean, I like man…pants and man shirts.
DONNA: Eric, you could've just told me you didn't like it when I gave it to you. You know what? Just give it back.
ERIC: I absolutely will, just as soon as I find it.
DONNA: What? How could you lose it? I told you it was a symbol of our loving freakin' relationship!
ERIC: And my losing it is a symbol of how much I love and…respect you?
(Donna shakes her head and leaves. Red comes to the stairs all panicked.)
RED: I need cold compresses and a Bloody Mary, quick! Your mother is talking about adopting a Communist orphan! Now move! I need help, damn it!
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
(Forman basement. Hyde and Kelso are in the facing chairs, reading. Eric is searching for the ring.)
ERIC: I don't understand. How could I lose a 25-pound ring?
KELSO: I once lost a 6-foot-long rubber chili dog. And I still haven't found it. It's just gone!
ERIC: You know what, Hyde? This whole thing's your fault. You're the one who told Jackie I didn't like the ring.
KELSO: Hyde stabbed you in the back? No, he wouldn't do anything like that, like he didn't steal Jackie from me. Oh, wait a minute!
HYDE: Look, man, I told her not to tell.
ERIC: Yeah, and I told you not to tell.
KELSO: You and Jackie are gossiping now? You know, the more you two go out, the more like each other you get.
ERIC: Yeah, who knows what you and your little girlfriend are gonna be like in a couple months?
(Fantasy sequence. Hyde and Jackie are dressed in Cheerleader getups in the Forman driveway practicing routines.)
HYDE & JACKIE: 2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate? Go team! Whoo!
JACKIE: All right! Yeah!
HYDE: Jackie, I hear the best piece of gossip. Eric Forman doesn't have any school spirit.
JACKIE: I'm telling everyone!
HYDE: Too late! I already did!
(They begin to jump up and down again.)
JACKIE: Yeah! Yeah!
(End fantasy sequence. We're back to the Forman Basement where we left off.)
HYDE: First of all, Jackie is not my girlfriend, and second of all, I'm not the only one who spills stuff around here.
ERIC: Yeah, you're right. Hey, Kelso, Hyde watches "Little House on the Prairie."
KELSO: (laughing.) "Little House on the Prairie"?
HYDE: It reminds me of a simpler time.
SCENE TWO
(Forman Basement. We're in the circle.)
DONNA: How could Eric lose that ring? And more importantly, how could he think it was ugly? It's got real nugget gold-plating, and the abalone is inlaid!
KELSO: If you were my girlfriend, I would be proud to wear that ring. Heck, I'd wear it if you just wanted to fool around a little. Get my drift, Big D? (Donna punches him in the arm.) Ow!
HYDE: All I know is you guys better watch what you say around here. Some people can't be trusted because they have a great big mouth, Jackie!
JACKIE: How could you say that? My mouth is in perfect proportion to the rest of my face.
DONNA: Plenty of classy men wear rings-Wayne Newton, the Pope, my Uncle Carmine from Hoboken. You lose his ring, you wake up in a dumpster, and that's just a warning.
**********
(DMV Office, Fez and Nina are still talking.)
NINA: Well, I think that's all the questions I have about your application.
FEZ: Okay, but one thing my application doesn't say is how much I would apply myself to the job here.
NINA: I'm gonna have to ask you to stop making puns now. I really don't think this is going to work out, so… (They stand up and Nina shakes Fez's hand.) Wow, that is a gorgeous man ring. You know, wearing a ring this big shows a lot of confidence.
FEZ: Well, I do feel like a King when I wear it. And you know, what is the DMV really if not one big kingdom?
NINA: You know what? You're stubborn, underqualified, and you barely speak English. Welcome to the DMV.
**********
(Hyde's room. Hyde is sitting on his bed and Jackie is sitting across from him on some cushions.)
JACKIE: Wait a minute. You're mad at me for telling Donna a secret? Steven, I tell secrets, it's who I am.
HYDE: Look, all I'm saying is if you're gonna be my girlfriend, you can't go running around shooting off your big, fat cheerleader mouth.
JACKIE: You just called me your girlfriend.
HYDE: No, I didn't.
JACKIE: Yes, you did.
HYDE: No, I didn't.
JACKIE: Yes, you did.
HYDE: No, I didn't.
JACKIE: Yes, you did, and shut up. You're ruining it. Okay, now listen to me. (Jackie moves to sit by him and puts one leg over his as she faces him.) I'll keep my mouth shut if you admit that I'm your girlfriend.
HYDE: No, the price is too high.
JACKIE: Okay, fine. You know what? I'm telling everybody everything anyways, starting with the fact that you called me your girlfriend.
HYDE: You're blackmailing me? (Jackie nods and Hyde grins.) You're coming along nicely. (They kiss.)
SCENE THREE
(Forman basement. Hyde is watching Eric search for the ring. Fez enters.)
FEZ: Good news. I got the job.
ERIC: What the hell is that on your finger?
FEZ: Oh, it's chocolate and coconut.
ERIC: I can't believe you took my ring.
FEZ: Oh. Yes, I took it. I took it, and I'm proud. You don't deserve something this beautiful. You have a girlfriend, you have a ring. I have nothing!
ERIC: Well…you have a job.
FEZ: Well, that's true. Good for me. (He takes off the ring and hands it back to Eric.)
ERIC: You guys, look at this thing. God, what was Donna thinking?
HYDE: Forman, you gotta expect this. I mean, look at her dad. The apple doesn't fall far from the Bob.
FLASHBACK:
(Forman Kitchen. Bob is showing Eric and Hyde his rings.)
BOB: Now this ring's a wolf attacking a zebra, this one's a zebra attacking a wolf, and this one-they're finally friends.
FLASHBACK:
(Forman Kitchen. Bob enters and Red stands up quickly, grabbing his coat as Hyde and Eric lean against the counter, talking.)
BOB: Hey there. Hi there. Ho there. Let's go.
RED: I'm not going to the game with you in that jacket, Bob.
(Bob takes it off and reveals an unbuttoned black and white shirt and three gold necklaces.)
RED: I'm not going to the game, Bob.
BACK TO PRESENT:
(Back to Forman Basement, Eric is looking at the ring.)
ERIC: My God, she never had a chance. Hyde, my girlfriend has bad taste.
FEZ: Well, she is dating you. (Fez and Hyde chuckle.) Ha ha. Good one, Fez.
HYDE: And that ring is only the beginning, Man. I can see it now.
(Fantasy sequence. Forman Patio. Eric is dressed as Bob, complete with perm, and is kissing Donna's hand.)
DONNA: Oh, Eric, you look so foxy.
ERIC: Hey there. Hi there. Ho there.
SCENE FOUR
(Pinciotti living room. Donna is studying. Eric enters.)
ERIC: Ta-da! Look what I found, and I didn't even lose it. Fez took it, so basically, you got mad at me for being a victim of robbery. Okay. Apologetic look accepted.
DONNA: Eric, I got mad at you for not being honest, and that hasn't changed.
ERIC: Really? Huh. I thought it might have.
DONNA: I gave you the ring as a symbol of how far we've come in our relationship, and if you can't be honest, you shouldn't be wearing that ring at all.
ERIC: Okay. You want me to be honest? Okay, I kind of think…that you have bad taste.
DONNA: What?! I do not.
ERIC: Okay. Well, then tell me what you think of this room-this turquoise and chrome disaster of a room.
DONNA: I think it's classy and sophisticated. You know, maybe you're the one who has bad taste. In fact… (Flash to Forman living room. Donna is pointing at Red's chair.) Why don't you tell me about this pea-soup-colored chair?
ERIC: I think it's comfortable and soothing, just like pea soup.
DONNA: (as Red and Kitty walk in from the den.) Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste.
KITTY: Excuse me?
DONNA: Uh, Mrs. Forman.
KITTY: I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things I love and the people I thought loved me.
RED: Hey, Kitty, how about a nap?
KITTY: And, you, have you fixed the damn clicker yet?! What good is a clicker if it won't click?! (She slams it down and stomps on it.) Oh my goodness. I am flying right off the handle. (Laughs)
RED: Seems to me you're just as pleasant as always.
KITTY: Ooh, that is sweet. (She gives him a kiss on the cheek.) I think I'd like to take a nap now.
(Red follows Kitty upstairs.)
ERIC: Well…did you see that? I told you the truth and we got into a fight. My dad told my mom she's pleasant-a whopper of a lie-and they've been married 150 years.
DONNA: I don't care. I want you to tell me the truth all the time.
ERIC: No, no, you don't. It's like when women ask whether or not their outfit makes them look fat. How many men tell them they look fat? Zero. How many women look fat? Not zero.
DONNA: That is totally different.
ERIC: No, Donna, no, it isn't. Look, how could I look you in the eye and tell you that I don't like the ring, when I love you so much?
DONNA: I guess I know what you mean. It's like when you wrote me that song.
ERIC: Wait, you love that song.
DONNA: (Hesitantly) Of course I do.
ERIC: You know what? We are really bad with rings.
DONNA: Yeah, if we ever get married, we should just exchange, like, buckets of chicken.
ERIC: Or, uh, I could write you another song.
DONNA: Oh, I'm fine with chicken. (Donna smiles)
TAG
(Superhero Secret Lair. Donna is sitting on Eric's lap. The Superheroes are all in a Circle.)
DONNA: Does this outfit make my butt look fat?
ERIC: No. You look…super. (They kiss.)
KELSO: So, uh, Wonder Boy and I are thinking about moving in together. My parents are gonna freak!
(Jackie and Hyde stop kissing.)
HYDE: You think your parents are gonna freak?
JACKIE: Yeah, we're twins.
RED: You know, it really hurts my feelings that you call me Dr. Bald. Just because I'm evil doesn't mean I don't cry. Super jerks!
FADE OUT
END OF SHOW
