TEASER
(Point Place, Wisconsin. Eric Forman's Kitchen. 4:47 p.m.)
(Eric and Donna are doing schoolwork at the kitchen table.)
ERIC: What are those? Oh, Donna, did you buy "Playboy" for me?
DONNA: No, they're college brochures.
ERIC: Donna, these people are fully dressed. That's just not gonna work for me.
DONNA: My guidance counselor gave them to me but I already told him that I'm going wherever you're go.
ERIC: How did I ever get a girl as great as you? You know you can do better than me, right?
DONNA: But you're right next-door. It's so easy.
(They kiss and Kitty enters with a bag of groceries.)
KITTY: Oh, you two make me sick.
ERIC: Looks like my mom, but speaks like my dad.
KITTY: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. That wasn't me talking. That was the menopause.
DONNA: No, you don't have to apologize. We totally get what you're going through.
KITTY: Well, thank the Lord! Fertile Myrtle totally gets it!
ERIC: I miss the basement.
DONNA: (Softly.) Yeah.
(They get up and leave to the Basement. Red enters the kitchen.)
RED: Kitty, I know these past few weeks have been hard on you, hard on all of us, really. But especially hard on you. I mean, since you found out you were…
KITTY: Just say it, Red. Barren.
RED: Well, there's no need for both of us to say it. So I got something to cheer my girl up.
KITTY: Oh, good, 'cause I finished off the last bottle this morning.
RED: No, no. (He leans down and holds up a dachshund puppy.) I got you…a puppy. He needs someone to take care of him. His mother got run over by a car.
KITTY: Did you run over a dog, Red?
RED: No! I just hate to see you sad, and I thought…oh, forget it. I'll take it back and go to the liquor store. (He moves to leave.)
KITTY: Well, now wait, wait. He's kind of cute. Can I hold him? (Red hands the puppy to her.) Oh, ho, ho! What a little loverboy! Ooh!
RED: See? He likes you. (Red goes to pet him but the dog barks at him.) How about that? He's got menopause, too. (Kitty gives him an odd look.)
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
(Forman Basement. The gang is hanging out. Donna and Eric are making out. Jackie is on the couch reading a magazine. Fez and Kelso are…doing something. Hyde is in his room.)
DONNA: I'll see you later. (Hyde enters the main room of the basement.) I'm gonna go get out of this thing.
FEZ: Boo!
KELSO: Selfish!
DONNA: Man, what is with you guys and this uniform?
FEZ: It makes us want to corrupt you.
ERIC: Man, Donna is so awesome. She can afford to go to any school she wants, but she wants to go where I go. Just so we can be together.
HYDE: (Who is now sitting in his chair.) Yeah, she is awesome. Why is she with you again?
KELSO: 'Cause a good girlfriend accepts her guy no matter what! And Jackie was always trying to change me. "Grow up, Michael." "Act your age, Michael." "Stop shooting grandmother with a water pistol, Michael."
JACKIE: She's 92, Michael.
KELSO: She had jam on her face!
ERIC: Well, all I know is things with me and Donna are going really, really well. This is just about the point where I screw things up.
FEZ: So don't screw it up.
ERIC: Fez…oh, Fez. If history has taught us anything it's that screwing up is my nature. But you know what I can do, bank a little goodwill, do something nice. Buy her a present.
KELSO: Yep, she deserves it, too. Do you know how many times I tried to grab her boob on the way to California? And it woulda been easier for her if she woulda let me. 'Cause you know me. I won't stop.
ERIC: I gotta get Donna something really special, something that reminds her that even though I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot who loves her.
KELSO: I got it! A scented candle! Chicks can't keep their shirt on around a scented candle.
JACKIE: Please, the battlefield of love is littered with guys who give candles. It's expensive jewelry or nothing. Look, if you can't put a price tag on love then how do you know how much it's worth?
HYDE: Jackie, what kind of crap is that? You haven't learned a thing from me.
JACKIE: Steven, what do you mean?
HYDE: I mean, romance was created by corporations to prey on losers who think that buying nice things will make somebody love them. If you ever read anything besides (grabs the magazine out of Jackie's hands and looks at it) what Donny Osmond puts on his waffles, you might learn something.
KELSO: I put whipped cream on my waffles, too. I eat like the stars!
******
(Forman living room. Red and Bob are flipping on the TV. The dog, Schotzie, is in Red's chair.)
BOB: Hey, when did you get the cute little wiener dog?
RED: (Looks at Schotzie and picks him up and places him on the floor.) No, no, no, no, no! Not in my chair!
KITTY: (Entering the room.) Red Forman! Schotzie is a helpless little animal with four breakable legs. You can't throw him around the room like you would Eric. (She hurries into the kitchen with Schotzie.)
BOB: Red, you don't seem like the type of guy who'd get a dog, being that you're unfriendly.
RED: Yeah, I know. I just wanted to do something to cheer Kitty up.
BOB: Well, if you really wanted to cheer her up you would've bought her a banjo.
RED: A banjo, Bob?
BOB: You can't hold a banjo and not smile.
RED: You can't hold a potato chip and not smile.
******
(Jewelry store. A salesman is behind the counter. Eric enters.)
CLERK: Yes?
ERIC: Um, I want to buy a present for my girlfriend, you know, that lets her know how I feel about her.
CLERK: Oh, no problem. Oh, oh, oh! (He reaches into the counter case in front of them, pulls out a necklace and puts it on.) Would the lady like a necklace? Huh?
ERIC: (Looking at the Clerk's showmanship with an odd expression.) Well, it's nice. It's a little creepy. Um, it doesn't really say what I want to say, though.
CLERK: Okay, okay. Oh, how about a promise ring?
ERIC: Oh, don't even get me started on promise rings. Like, once I gave her one and she didn't even want it, then she gave me…
CLERK: How about that. Look how it shines. Oh, that's nice, huh?
ERIC: Well, your finger hair curling over the ring is kinda ruining it for me. Does wearing the merchandise usually work for you?
CLERK: I don't know. I'm new here. I used to work at the lingerie store. They fired me.
ERIC: Ah, I see.
CLERK: I think I know what you're looking for. (He reaches into the case yet again and pulls out another ring.) How about a diamond ring? Oh, isn't that gorgeous? Look at that.
ERIC: Whoa…that's an engagement ring. (Clerk nods.) I'm in High School, man. That says too much.
CLERK: Well, why don't you tell me what it is you wanna say?
ERIC: That I love her and we should be together forever.
CLERK: And engagement ring says that verbatim.
ERIC: Well, too bad, 'cause I ain't buying one.
CLERK: Well, I refuse to put on any more jewelry!
ERIC: Well, thank God for that!
CLERK: Would you like to look around a little more?
ERIC: Sure. And sorry about what I said. You look…you look really nice.
SCENE TWO
(Forman basement. Donna and Kelso are on the couch, Fez is by the record table, and Jackie is sitting on Hyde's lap in his chair. Eric enters.)
ERIC: Donna, you, me, tonight at the Water Tower. Make yourself foxy, 'cause you're getting something pretty special.
DONNA: Really? A present. I will get foxy. (She puts the magazine down and moves to the door.)
JACKIE: Oh, and Donna…don't forget to wear flats so that Eric can feel like the boy.
(Donna leaves and Jackie gets off Hyde's lap so he can get up. She then sits down in the chair, alone, with a magazine.)
HYDE: So, Forman, you finally broke down, huh? What'd you get her? Earrings? A little bracelet?
ERIC: No, I got her way more than a piece of jewelry. I got her a gift that really says something-a diamond engagement ring. (The guys look at the ring he takes out in shock.)
KELSO: As a joke?
ERIC: No-you guys, I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.
KELSO: As a joke?
(The scene flashes. Eric is wearing the Green Bay Packers helmet that is always in the background of the Basement.)
ERIC: The stupid helmet? Why do I have to wear the stupid helmet?
HYDE: Because you're stupid! You can't ask Donna to marry you, man!
ERIC: Why not? I mean, come on. We already know that we're gonna be together forever.
KELSO: No, you think that you're gonna be together forever.
HYDE: Remember how you were worried about screwing things up? This your Bay of Pigs, man.
FEZ: Yeah, even in my country we weren't stupid enough to get married in High School. And we eat bugs!
HYDE: Forman, what the hell are you thinking?
ERIC: You don't understand. I was down at the store and I realized, what am I waiting for? We're happy.
HYDE: You don't get engaged when you're happy! What's the point? You do it when your back's against a wall and there's no way out, like if the girl's pregnant.
FEZ: It is settled, then. Eric will get Donna pregnant. I will oversee the proceedings for verification purposes. Ah, but he's so stupid, how do we know he can do it?
ERIC: Jackie, help me out here.
JACKIE: Well, I think it's beautiful.
HYDE: Well, then, you're crazy too!
JACKIE: Look, Steven, I am my own woman, okay? I'm allowed to have opinions about jewelry! You present hater! (She storms out of the basement.)
ERIC: Listen, you guys, I've thought about this a lot, okay? Donna's willing to commit four years of college to me. I want to commit, too.
KELSO: I say this to you as a friend who likes to see you get hurt. If you don't take that ring back right now, you are going to end up in a world of misery and pain.
ERIC: Hey, I love Donna, okay? So, did it ever occur to any of you that I'm ready for a world of misery and pain? Think about that? (Eric leaves then comes back in and throws the helmet down on the couch and leaves again.)
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
(Forman kitchen. Red and Kitty are seated at the table. Kitty is holding Schotzie with one arm and a slice of salami in front of him with her other hand.)
KITTY: Who wants the last piece of salami?
RED: I'll take it.
KITTY: Who wants a salami?
RED: I said I do.
KITTY: (Feeds the salami to the dog.) There you go, Schotzie!
RED: I said I wanted that.
KITTY: But he was begging, Red. We don't turn down beggars. Do we, Schotzie? No we don't!
(Eric enters from the living room.)
ERIC: Okay, you guys know more about relationships than my moron friends, so I have a question about me and Donna.
RED: No, no more about you and Donna. You need to start thinking about your future-college, getting out of my house.
ERIC: Donna is my future.
KITTY: Honey, we know you love Donna, but you two are so on again, off again, you're probably gonna be off again sometime soon. Aren't they, Schotzie? Yes they will!
RED: How about a career? Have you even given thought to what you're gonna do with your life?
ERIC: Yes, Donna and I-
KITTY: I think he should be a pharmacist.
RED: Now there's an idea. You can count. There's no heavy lifting. You oughta see try to wrestle with that big mop down at the store. (Both Red and Kitty laugh.)
ERIC: I don't see what any of this has to do with me and Donna.
KITTY: Oh, honey, but you would be such a good pharmacist. Your slender fingers are perfect for picking up tiny pills. Aren't they, Schotzie? Yes they are! Did you see that? He just nodded.
(Eric gets up and leaves.)
SCENE TWO
(Forman's basement. The Circle. Eric is looking at the ring.)
ERIC: Man, everyone's down on me and Donna getting engaged. You guys, my parents…even the Magic 8 ball said "Outlook not so good." I just…I really think Donna would love an engagement ring.
HYDE: Oh, she'll love the ring. It's the thought behind it that will send her running for the hills. Or maybe she'll see how smart it is to get married while you're still in High School and have no money or future.
KELSO: I know I ran when Jackie wanted to marry me, except I ran for California instead of the hills. I mean, the beach kicks the hills' ass! I mean, there's way more bikini's and there's usually a snack bar!
(Schotzie is sitting on a pillow on the lawn chair.)
ERIC: What if you guys are right? What if she thinks I'm moving too fast? Man, giving her this ring is a huge gamble. Am I man enough to make that bet? No, no! The answer is, no!
HYDE: You see, Forman, you tried to do a nice, thoughtful thing and you screwed yourself. It's all about expectations, man. Like, I've taught Jackie to think I'm rude and inconsiderate. I can't disappoint her because I always disappoint her!
ERIC: Then if I don't give Donna the ring, what am I gonna do at the Water Tower? Oh, God! (He leans down and hits his head on the table then sits back up, wearing the Stupid Helmet.) I do deserve this!
(Schotzie's still sitting in the chair.)
KELSO: Does anyone else think that Schotzie looks like Fez?
HYDE: That dog is flyin'!
**********
(Forman living room. Bob is on the couch and Red is in his chair. Kitty enters carrying Schotzie.)
KITTY: Well, I don't know what's gotten into Schotzie. He's so hungry, he went through three cans of food. Didn't you, Schotzie? Yes you did! (She puts him down on his pillow and leaves, giggling.)
RED: Hey, Bob, hand me that remote there, will ya?
BOB: No thanks, Red. I'd have to buckle my belt.
RED: Buckle your belt anyway. (He gets the remote himself, leaving his chair open.) No one wants to see that. (He turns back to his chair and Schotzie is sitting on it.) Oh, not again! (He takes Schotzie off his chair and puts him back on the pillow.) There we go. (Then Red sits down and quickly jumps back up.) What the hell! (There's a dark, wet spot on the chair.) Oh, crap! That's it. That damn dog's gotta go.
BOB: I think he just went, Red.
RED: Are you laughing, Bob?
BOB: Your bottoms all wet. That's just plain funny in my book.
RED: Well, he can't stay. He's making everyone miserable.
BOB: I don't know. Kitty's seemed pretty darn happy the past couple of days.
RED: Yeah, well…
BOB: Look, Red, you did a nice thing. Don't spoil it by, you know, being yourself.
RED: I guess if the incontinent little bastard makes Kitty happy, I'll put up with it. What the hell? I've never been that happy anyway.
BOB: At least, not since I've known you.
RED: Yeah. Weird coincidence, huh?
**********
(Basement. Hyde is alone, sitting in his chair watching TV. Jackie comes in.)
JACKIE: Okay, look, you! I've been thinking about all your conspiracy mumbo jumbo about presents and diamonds and buying me stuff. And I've realized that all your paranoid, delusional crap about romance is just a cover-up for you being cheap!
HYDE: Okay, first of all, it's not paranoid, delusional crap! Advertisers spend billions to make you think I'm a jerk if I don't buy you jewelry. And second of all…you're right. I am cheap.
JACKIE: Well, you'd better quit it. Because I like to get stuff, especially shiny stuff.
HYDE: Would you settle for a cheeseburger wrapped in tinfoil?
JACKIE: Well, for you I will. But just know that I'm really lowering my standards.
HYDE: That makes two of us.
(Jackie gives him a look, and Hyde kisses her then takes her hand, says "Come on," and leads her out.)
**********
(Water Tower. Donna and Eric have just climbed to the top. There is still a faded pot leave [or hand giving the finger, depending on your point of view] on the large round container.)
ERIC: So? Huh? This is romantic, huh?
DONNA: It's a little more romantic in the summer. Or any time not below freezing. So what am I getting?
ERIC: What are you getting? What are you getting? This is what you're getting. (He pulls a Hershey's bar out of his pocket and holds it up.)
DONNA: A candy bar?
ERIC: Well, half a candy bar. I figured we could share it under the stars. What a delightful moonlit snack.
DONNA: Okay, you're being weird, and it's freezing out here.
ERIC: Oh, come on, it's not that bad. (It begins to snow.) Aw…
DONNA: Eric, why are we up here?
ERIC: Okay, I'm sorry, Donna. I had something I was gonna give you, but I realized it was stupid. Or everyone said it was stupid, so I decided against it.
DONNA: What was it?
ERIC: It was nothing.
DONNA: Well, it was something. I mean, I can see that it was something. Just tell me.
ERIC: Okay, fine. I was gonna give you this. (He pulls out the engagement ring.)
DONNA: Oh, my god. Is that a…?
ERIC: Yeah. It's stupid, right?
DONNA: Yeah. And…no. I don't know. What would you have done with it?
ERIC: Well, I don't know. I guess I would have told you how beautiful you are, and that…you mean everything to me. And then…I would have gotten down on one knee…you know, like this. (He proceeds to do that.) And then I would have taken your hand, and taken the ring… (He looks up at Donna.)
DONNA: Go ahead.
ERIC: And I would have put the ring on your finger, like this.
DONNA: Wow.
ERIC: So, uh…so, I'll tell you what. Why don't I just hold onto that until, you know, the real moment comes.
DONNA: Well, sure. Or I could hold onto it.
ERIC: You could?
DONNA: Yeah. Eric, I love you, and I want to be with you forever.
ERIC: Yes. That's what I told everyone, and they made me wear the Stupid Helmet. (They kiss.) So, um…did we just get…?
DONNA: I think we did.
ERIC: Donna, I love you.
DONNA: We are so stupid!
ERIC: I know, right?!
TAG
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
(Eric and Donna are coming back from their date. They see Bob coming out of the Forman's house.)
ERIC: Oh, hey, here comes your Dad! Look, put the ring in your pocket!
DONNA: Why? He'll be happy for us!
ERIC to DONNA: Oh yeah?
ERIC to BOB: Hey Mr. Pinciotti, what would you do, if I say… made a long term commitment to your daughter?
BOB: Oh, I'd kill you!
(Bob leaves.)
DONNA: You know what? A secret engagement is even more romantic.
ERIC: And… more stupid!
(Eric grabs her scarf and pulls her towards him. They kiss and head in to the house.)
FADE OUT
END OF SHOW
