TEASER
(Point Place Wisconsin. Eric Forman's Basement. Two Days Before Thanksgiving.)
(Eric and Donna are alone in the Basement, holding hands.)
DONNA: I love this ring. You know, I wish I could tell people that we're engaged. You know, without Red killing you
ERIC: Red kills happy things. It's what he does. Let's just enjoy the fact that some day you are going to be Mrs. Forman.
DONNA: Mrs. Forman? You want me to go by Mrs. Forman?
ERIC: Well, yeah, I just assumed. I mean, come on-Pinciotti? (Donna gives him a pissed off look.) Which is nice. No, which is really nice.
KITTY: (Coming down the stairs.) Eric? Eric? Honey, could you get the thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer? (She turns to go back upstairs but turns around after a second.) Oh, wait, it's a 20-pounder. Donna? Could you get the thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer? (She turns and runs back up the stairs.)
DONNA: Sure, Mrs. Forman. (She turns to Eric.) See? There's your Mrs. Forman.
ERIC: Okay. Yeah, you know, you're right. That's gonna be a little creepy.
DONNA: Well…now I kinda like it. Call me Mrs. Forman.
ERIC: No.
DONNA: Mrs. Forman's feeling dirty.
ERIC: No. Okay, stop it! (He moves to leave the couch but Donna pulls him back with a smile.)
DONNA: Come on! Give Mrs. Forman a big French kiss!
ERIC: No, Donna, no!
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
(Forman kitchen. Kitty is baking a pie; Eric is doing something next to her…I think eating a brownie, and Kelso and Hyde are digging in the refrigerator. Kelso is holding Schotzie.)
KITTY: Okay. Perfect. We're all set for turkey day. And there'll be plenty of room, especially without Laurie. Has anyone heard from her? Of course not. I guess respect and courtesy aren't genetic like my slim hips.
ERIC: Hey, Schotzie, stay away from my witch sister. Her and her witch friends have been known to sacrifice small animals…oh, and possibly that one asthmatic neighbor boy.
KITTY: Eric, little Wally moved away.
ERIC: A 6-year-old moved away? His parents still live in that house!
HYDE: Mrs. Forman? If it helps, I can invite Jackie to thanksgiving. She's bitchy like Laurie.
KELSO: Mrs. Forman, I would love to come to your thanksgiving dinner, and I'll bring a date and a 12-pack, just like the pilgrims.
SCENE TWO
(Forman driveway. Hyde and Fez are playing catch with a football. Eric is sitting on the hood of the Vista Cruiser looking at a sheet of paper in his hands.)
ERIC: You guys, Red is gonna flip when he sees this failing notice. "To the parent or guardian of Eric Forman…"
FEZ: "Your son is a complete idiot. Please kick him out and raise the foreign boy as your own."
ERIC: Man, all I did was mess up on two math quizzes, but Ms. McGee has to be all, (changes his voice slightly.) "I'm Ms. McGee, I wear high heels and fail everybody."
HYDE: What's that?
ERIC: That's Ms. McGee.
HYDE: You hardly changed your voice.
ERIC: Well, sure I did. (Changes his voice again.) "I'm Ms. McGee!"
HYDE: That's just your voice.
ERIC: I'm doing an impression.
HYDE: Well, you suck at impressions.
ERIC: Okay, forget it.
HYDE: Are you still doing her? (Eric gives him a look. Red comes out of the kitchen door and Hyde spots him.) Oh, hey, Red. Do me a favor. Sign this, huh? My gym teacher's failing me 'cause I won't wear shorts.
RED: Why won't you wear shorts?
HYDE: Would you wear shorts?
RED: Fine. (He signs it.)
HYDE: Thank you.
RED: So, Eric, how's school treating you? You managing to keep from embarrassing yourself?
ERIC: Yeah. Oh, sure, I've been buckling down, just like you said, and thinking a little bit more about my future, which I believe you also recommended.
RED: Well, it's good to know that 17 years of kicking your ass has finally paid off. (He goes back into the house.)
FEZ: Eric, you didn't have him sign your failing notice.
ERIC: Oh, I don't wanna trouble him with this old thing. I'll just sign his name myself, because…that's how good a son I am.
SCENE THREE
(Forman living room. Kitty is directing Red, Fez, Hyde, and Eric on where to move the table.)
KITTY: Okay, careful, careful. Watch the TV. Okay. Okay, this is good. Perfect. Perfect.
RED: (Fez accidentally bumps into him.) You. Why are you here? You don't even know what thanksgiving is.
FEZ: I'm here because my host parents are feeding bums at church. Charity begins at home, my ass. (He storms away.)
(The doorbell rings and Eric answers it to reveal…)
ERIC: Laurie!
LAURIE: Hey, little brother.
ERIC: You're back…and you're not even eight months pregnant.
LAURIE: (Enters the house.) Mommy!
KITTY: Laurie! Oh, my goodness, I knew you'd come!
LAURIE: Hi, Daddy!
RED: All the phones broken in Chicago?
LAURIE: No, well, see, I had other plans, but my date-I mean, business associate-had to go be with his wife. I mean, other business associate. I'm doing good!
KITTY: Okay, well, you know what? I'm going to set you a place right next to me at the big table.
RED: No, Kitty. I think that seat belongs to Eric.
ERIC: Me? At the adults' table? Are you sure I'm ready?
LAURIE: But, Daddy-
RED: Maybe before you leave you'll be acting a little more like him.
(Hyde enters carrying a chair.)
ERIC: Yeah! I'm the favorite now! Ooh. Taste that.
(Hyde sets the chair down by Laurie and they look at each other.)
HYDE: Pimp gave you the holiday off, huh?
LAURIE: Yeah. He replaced me with your mom.
HYDE: Now it's thanksgiving.
(Forman kitchen. Eric is getting out the dishes and Donna enters.)
ERIC: Hey, Donna, you know my dad's so proud of me for doing so well in school and all?
DONNA: Even though it's a lie and you're failing math 'cause you spend all your time with me?
ERIC: Yeah, right. That's right. Well, just now, right now, right in there, right now, Red asked me to sit at the grownups' table.
DONNA: Wow. I hear each person over there gets their own biscuit.
ERIC: Yeah. Donna, it's glorious. Donna…I wanna tell everyone we're engaged…tonight.
DONNA: Tonight? Are you sure?
ERIC: Yeah. I just…I just want everyone to know. You know? So when the moment's right, we'll just-we'll tell 'em all.
DONNA: This is so awesome!
ERIC: And then, just in case, we'll run like hell.
DONNA: I probably won't wait for you.
ERIC: Oh, okay, yeah.
SCENE FOUR
(Forman living room. Kitty is setting the table as her parents watch on.)
BURT: That's a beautiful table, Kitty.
KITTY: Well, thank you, Daddy. (She watches Bea putz around rearranging the table slightly.) So glad that you and mom could be here.
BEA: Well, we have to eat somewhere.
KITTY: And, Mom, I know that we have had our ups and downs, but in honor of this special day, I would like to tell you that I am thankful that you are my mother, and I love you. (Bea nods and smiles and doesn't say anything.) Isn't there something you would like to tell me?
BEA: Actually, I would like some more tea. (She goes into the kitchen.)
BURT: I'll try and slip some booze in there, in the interest of a happy holiday. (Kitty nods gratefully then goes into the kitchen.
(Behind Burt we can see that Jackie is sitting on the stairs and Hyde walks up to her. He hands her a bottle as she stands up.)
HYDE: So…thanksgiving. We celebrate the subjugation of an indigenous people with yams and Underdog floats.
JACKIE: Yeah, I'm mostly celebrating my pretty new dress.
HYDE: And so much for talking.
(Jackie looks at him then pulls him in for a kiss. He seems a little bit surprised. Back down on the main floor, Laurie is working on the finishing touches on the table as Burt watches her. Fez walks up to them.)
FEZ: May I wet your whistle, Grandpa?
(We see that, in the background, Hyde and Jackie have sat down on the stairs and they're talking.)
BURT: Gonna have to say yes to that. (He hands the half-full glass to Fez.)
FEZ: Well, cannot let this go to waste. (He downs the rest of the liquor.)
BURT: When did they get a houseboy?
(Laurie looks confused then understands it. Eric enters and walks over to Hyde and Jackie by the stairs. Then there is a loud knock on the front door that actually rattles the door. Kitty opens it to reveal Kelso and his date.)
KELSO: Happy thanksgiving, Mrs. Forman. (He gives her a hug.) This is my date, Carol.
ERIC: Ms. McGee? Kelso…you're dating my math teacher?
CAROL: No. No, no, no. We're not dating. We just have a relationship that I thought we agreed to keep a secret.
KITTY: Well, um, welcome. (They enter. Kitty pulls Kelso aside.) Michael, she is ten years older than you.
KELSO: No, no, 9 and 5/12ths. She taught me that.
CAROL: Very good, Michael.
KELSO: Thank you.
KITTY: Okay. (She takes Carol's hand and leads her way from the two teens.)
ERIC: Kelso…how could you bring her?
KELSO: Oh, relax, man. She's not gonna quiz you or anything. But if she does, the square root of zero is zero. She got me with that last night, earned herself a free massage.
(Kelso walks into the den and Eric goes over to Carol.)
ERIC: Um, Ms. McGee, being that it's a holiday and all; there are certain math-related, failing-type-things I'd rather not talk about.
CAROL: I hear you. There are certain things I'd like to keep quiet, too. So if anyone from the school board should ask, I came alone and I left before dessert. (She leaves as Donna enters.)
DONNA: Eric, maybe we should wait on the big announcement now that your math teacher is here?
ERIC: Oh, no, Donna, we don't have to worry, 'cause she's not my math teacher today. Today, she's a cradle-robbing slut.
DONNA: Yay, student/teacher relationships!
ERIC: Yay!
(Kelso notices Laurie on the couch and walks over to her, leaning on the back of the couch.)
KELSO: Hey, Laurie. Long time no doing it.
LAURIE: Maybe for you. So, what time is your date gonna let you out for recess?
KELSO: Huh. Nice try, Laurie! There's no recess today! It's thanksgiving! (Hyde leaves Jackie on the stairs and walks over to join Kelso as he falls over the back of the couch to sit on it.) Wow. Laurie. Yeah, me and her really had something, huh?
HYDE: Yeah. Ointment took care of that, though, right?
KELSO: Yeah. (Hyde walks away.)
(Forman kitchen. Dinner is in full swing. Red is at the head of the table with Bea and Carol on either side of him. Eric is sitting in between Bea and Burt. Bob is sitting next to Carol. The others are at the kiddie table. Fez walks up with two drinks and sets them down by Burt and Bob.)
FEZ: Here you go. One for Burt and one for Ernie. (Bob gives him a look that's kind of confused.) I'm calling you Ernie now because you look like the Muppet.
BOB: I didn't ask for a drink. (He hands it back to Fez.)
FEZ: Well, I didn't ask to be born in field.
BEA: But you fought back against adversity. Just like your Indian brothers. What is he, Cherokee?
(Fez drinks the glass of liquor and turns away as Kitty enters carrying the turkey.)
KITTY: Gobble, gobble, gobble! It's time to carve the turkey! Red?
RED: Actually, Kitty, I think this is Eric's year. Seems like he's growing up and finally buckling down. Here you go, son. (He hands the carving knife to Eric.)
ERIC: Wow. Okay. (He stands up.) Well in that case, I would like to make a kind of announcement.
KELSO: Check it out! I'm Breadman! (He's holding a piece of bread up to his face with three holes torn out of it. Two for his eyes and one for his nose.)
DONNA: Shut up! (She punches him.) Eric's talking. Go ahead, honey.
ERIC: Okay, well, I'm really glad that my family's here, and my friends...and, well, even my math teacher…because something happened a few days ago that I'd like to share with everyone.
CAROL: Eric, we agreed this isn't the time.
ERIC: No. No, I meant-
RED: The time for what?
FEZ: (Yelling to the other side of the room.) To talk about how he's failing math!
RED: What?
ERIC: Fez, what the hell?
FEZ: I've been drinking.
CAROL: Mr. Forman, you did sign the failing notice.
RED: I didn't sign…you forged my name?
LAURIE: Wow, I really picked the right day to come home, huh?
KITTY: Okay, um…who likes dark meat?
FEZ: Hey, who doesn't? (He holds up a glass of alcohol.) Am I right, ladies? (He then downs the glass…again.)|
KITTY: Oh, Lord. (She picks up the turkey again.)
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
(Forman living room where we left off. We notice that Kitty's put the bird down again.)
RED: So you lied to me about school.
ERIC: Now it wasn't a lie so much as misdirection, really.
RED: We'll talk about this later. Well, Laurie, looks like a seat just opened up for you. Come on over and grab a biscuit. (Eric gets up from the table.)
LAURIE: (As she passes Eric.) 42 minutes, and I'm back on top.
DONNA: So that was kind of a mess.
ERIC: Oh, no. That' what I wanted to happen.
BEA: Burt, honey, pass me your plate. (Burt doesn't respond. He's resting his head on his hand, seemingly asleep.) Burty-kins? (Yells.) Burt!
BURT: (He jumps awake as everyone else in the room just jumps.) I'm up.
RED: Bob, you know what Eric's problem is? All that time he's spending with your daughter.
BOB: Hey, Donna ain't the problem. Eric's the one who corrupted her up so dirty I had to send her to catholic school.
KITTY: How could he be failing math?
BEA: Kitty, I'm sure he did the best he could for someone who was held too long as a baby.
LAURIE: I bet that explains why he hit puberty so late, too.
BEA: No, that was because of your mother's smoking.
(Forman Basement. The guys are in the circle.)
ERIC: Fez, I know you've only spoken English for a couple weeks now. But, could you have learned the words "Don't tell my dad"? "Don't," a contraction meaning "do not" and "tell my dad," meaning shut up!
FEZ: Okay, right there, you just told me not to shut up. It's a wonder you're not failing English, too. Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch.
KELSO: So, guys…Ms. McGee. Pretty nice, huh? If they put one of her in every classroom, I'd never skip school again, if you know what I mean. I mean I'm doin' it with my teacher! Oh! Shh. But it's a secret.
HYDE: I've never been with a teacher, but I was with the post office lady. That was cool. I got a hundred free stamps and a monster roll of tape. I like older women. They've always got something smart to say.
(Laurie's Room. The girls are in their own circle.)
CAROL: I think I could probably fit inside of a record player. That's gotta sound good in there, inside of a record player.
LAURIE: I miss dating Kelso. The guys I'm with now, they're so-I don't know. What's the word? Married.
JACKIE: Hey, you and Kelso didn't date. You're just a tramp he cheated with, and you contaminated him so much I ended up with Steven, who I love being with. (She thinks about it.) So thank you.
DONNA: Wow, I'm the only one here who's never been with Kelso, which makes me wanna say "ew!" and also "thank God." But you, I mean, you're a teacher. Can't you get in trouble for dating a student?
CAROL: Hey, let 'em come and get me. He's 18. I make $11,000 a year. I deserve a little something.
SCENE TWO
(Forman living room. Eric walks over to Donna.)
ERIC: So that was one rootin'-tootin', big, old crap of a day, huh?
DONNA: Yep, pretty much. I just really wanted to tell people that we were engaged.
ERIC: You know what? Maybe it'd be easier if we just showed up next thanksgiving with a kid.
(Kelso, Carol, and Bob are leaving.)
BOB: Hey, thanks for dinner, Kitty. I'll remember to wear my stretch pants next time. Oh, let me know if you find that button. (Kitty nods and he leaves.)
CAROL: Good night. I apologize if my being here upset you.
KITTY: No, no, no. I just feel you being seen out with a student is…its just awfully bad principle.
KELSO: Oh, he doesn't care. He's dating a cheerleader. (They leave.)
(Bea and Laurie enter the room from the kitchen. Burt is asleep in Red's chair at the head of the table.)
BEA: Burt? Burty-bear? (He doesn't respond. She yells.) Burt! (He still doesn't respond.)
LAURIE: Grandma, let me. (She bends down by Burt's ear and yells.) Grandpa!
BURT: I'm up! (He gets up out of the chair and walks away.)
BEA: My goodness, you are going to make some lucky man a wonderful wife!
(Kitty walks past the Kiddie table where Fez, Donna, Eric, Hyde, and Jackie are sitting.)
KITTY: Oh, my God, that's where Laurie gets her mean streak. It's not from delightful me. It's from my evil mother.
HYDE: So evil skips a generation.
(Red walks up to stand behind Eric.)
ERIC: So that means that my granddaughter is gonna be the Devil.
RED: Well, don't worry, because no woman's gonna wanna bear your idiot kids if you can't even pass math. How could you forge my signature?
HYDE: Here comes the yelling.
JACKIE: Yeah, don't wanna hear this. (She and Hyde leave the house, hand in hand.)
DONNA: I'll help with the dishes.
FEZ: Yeah. (They, too, get up and leave.) And I'll take these half-empty glasses.
KITTY: Okay, no, no. You've had enough.
(Eric is sitting at the table being yelled at with Red. Laurie is standing behind their father.)
RED: Eric, what the hell is wrong with you?
LAURIE: He doesn't understand consequences, Daddy.
RED: Well, maybe he'll understand this-from now on, every time you disobey me or lie to me or do anything that pisses me off, you're gonna pay me money.
ERIC: (Stands up.) Pay you? Wait, you're fining me?
LAURIE: It's like giving him tickets for being dumb.
ERIC: Okay, okay, I think we're forgetting about a time-tested punishment here. There's your foot. Here's my ass. Swing away.
RED: Well, it obviously doesn't work. So for forging my name, you owe me 30 bucks.
(Eric reaches into his wallet and pulls out cash. Red takes it from him angrily.)
LAURIE: Daddy, can I borrow $30?
RED: Sure, kitten. Laurie, your grandparents are sleeping in your room tonight, so you take Eric's room, and the math whiz can ride the couch.
(Kitty enters the room, passing Eric on his way out.)
KITTY: Well…another thanksgiving come and gone. Certainly an eventful day, hmm?
RED: Yeah, what with our ungrateful daughter, that dumbass son, and a drunk foreign kid, I'd say…actually, it was a little better than last year.
SCENE THREE
(Forman Living room. Donna and Eric are talking to someone we can't see.)
DONNA: I know we're young.
ERIC: But we're totally in love.
DONNA: And we just want you to know…
ERIC & DONNA: (Together.) We're engaged!
(The camera reveals a sleeping Burt with Schotzie on his lap.)
DONNA: It feels good to tell someone.
ERIC: Yeah. I think they're happy for us.
(The camera shows Schotzie licking himself.)
DONNA: Look, Schotzie's celebrating.
TAG
(The tag is just a bunch of different stills from the episode set to the song "Thank You" by Sly and the Family Stone, I believe it is. Here's a run down of the pictures.
1. Laurie as we first see her in the episode, at the door.
2. Fez knocking back a glass of alcohol.
3. Eric and Donna looking at her engagement ring.
4. Kelso hugging Carol to him as Kitty and Eric look on.
5. Red holding his hand out to Eric waiting for the $30 as Laurie watches.
6. Laurie yelling in Burt's ear.
7. Jackie kissing Hyde.
8. Kitty and Laurie hugging and jumping up and down.
9. Kelso as Breadman.
10. Donna torturing Eric by asking him to French kiss Mrs. Forman.
11. Fez holding up his glass after the "who likes dark meat," reply.)
FADE OUT
END OF SHOW
