TEASER
(The Hub. Eric, Hyde, and Jackie are sitting at a table talking. Fez comes in.)
FEZ: Guess what.
JACKIE: (Rolls her eyes.) Nobody guess. It's always about boobs.
FEZ: Oh, come on. Don't you want to know what I have to say?
HYDE: Man, I never know what you want to say. I mean, in your head you're speaking English, but when it comes out its all buzzes and clicks.
FEZ: Oh really? Well I guess I was speaking English to the S.A.T.s because I got 1,000 points. (Sits down.) Oh, and last night on cable I saw four boobs.
(Donna walks over and sits down next to Eric.)
ERIC: Wait, so the S.A.T.s are in? Donna, did you see your scores yet?
DONNA: Yeah, this morning. I got a 1230.
ERIC: What? A 1230? That's great! Why didn't you say something?
DONNA: Well, I didn't want to brag. I mean, yeah I kicked ass, but it's no big deal.
KITTY: (Running in very excited.) Eric, Eric, honey! I got the mail and your S.A.T envelope happened to be open and the letter just sort of slid into my hand, and I accidentally put on my reading glasses and I saw your score. (She begins to jump up and down.) You got an 800!
(Everyone tries not to give Eric pitying looks.)
ERIC: I got an 800? That's it?
KITTY: "That's it?" If 100's an A, 8 of them's an A-plus-plus!
JACKIE: No, no, Mrs. Forman, an 800's not good. I mean, a pigeon can peck a better score than that.
KITTY: Really?
JACKIE: Donna did better. Fez did, too. And his whole country's made of bamboo.
KITTY: This is awkward. I'll just, um, I'll go home and take down the streamers.
HYDE: Forman, the S.A.T.s prove nothing. I mean, I got a 950 and I don't even have any textbooks. Or a locker.
JACKIE: Wait, wait. A 950? Steven, I knew it. You do have potential!
HYDE: Yeah. Imagine what I could do if I only applied myself. Oh, well. Guess we'll never know.
ERIC: I just-I can't believe I got the lowest score here.
FEZ: Oh, Eric, someone had to come in last. There is no shame in that. Well, there is a little shame. Shame on you.
DONNA: Hey! (Smacks Fez.) You know, who cares what anyone got? It's just a stupid test.
ERIC: You know what? You're right, I don't care.
(Kelso runs in screaming.)
KELSO: I got a 1030!
(Eric begins to sob.)
KELSO: Yeah! Ha ha ha! I did good on a test, man! Something's happened to me. I'm blooming like a flower. Whoo-hoo!
FORMAN KITCHEN
(Kitty is cooking and Red and Bob are getting beer.)
BOB: So the S.A.T.s proved it. Donna's the smart one. Eric, on the other hand-well, I don't want to say there's a dumb one, but he ain't the smart one.
RED: That's where you're wrong, Bob. Eric got an A-Plus-Plus.
KITTY: Oh, um…no, see, um, Red, it turns out Eric still did very well, it's just some other people did better.
RED: Donna?
KITTY: Yes.
RED: Steven?
KITTY: Yes.
RED: Not the foreign kid.
KITTY: Yes.
RED: Kelso?
KITTY: Yes.
RED: He did worse than Kelso? (Kitty nods.) I watched that kid glue his hand to his face! (Eric enters.) You! What happened on the S.A.T.s?
KITTY: Okay, you know he's not good under pressure. He can't pee in a public restroom because there's an audience!
BOB: You know what? This is a family thing. I'll leave you to it. (He leaves.)
RED: What's wrong with you?
ERIC: I don't know. Maybe I'm not smart.
RED: Who said you're not smart?
ERIC: You!
RED: When?
ERIC: Always.
RED: Your problem is you've got your head up your ass.
KITTY: Your father's afraid you're spending a little too much time on a high school romance.
RED: That's right. Donna gums up the works.
ERIC: It's not her fault. I was prepared for that test. I had 3 sharp pencils, that's one more than recommended, by the way. I remember sitting there, filling out the little bubbles.
(Memory sequence: Classroom. Eric is sitting next to Donna, taking the test. Donna scratches her thigh and launches Eric into a fantasy sequence where he is James Bond and she's one of the Bond Girls and they're driving a very expensive car.)
ERIC BOND: (After throwing a grenade out of the window and blowing up a following car) Well, that was a blast.
DONNA: Sure was. Now why don't you point this thing toward my villa and park this thing in my garage.
ERIC: Oh, I'm planning on that, but what should I do with the car?
DONNA: We better hurry. We only have five minutes.
ERIC: That's four more than I need, baby.
(Eric comes out of the fantasy.)
WOMAN: I repeat, there's only five minutes left in this section of the test.
(Eric begins to hurriedly finish the test. Donna stretches and Eric goes back into fantasy mode. End Memory sequence.)
ERIC: Oh my god. Donna does gum up the works.
RED: See? Now use what little brains you got and hit the books, dumbass!
FORMAN BASEMENT
(Kelso is sitting on the couch reading a book. Fez and Hyde come out of Hyde's room.)
HYDE: Kelso, what are you doing with a book?
KELSO: Reading.
(Hyde and Fez laugh.)
KELSO: I am reading. 'Cause what good is having a brain if you have nothing up here? (He points to his head.)
(Jackie comes down the stairs.)
JACKIE: Hey. (She and Hyde kiss then she sits in his chair and he sits on the couch.) So, I saw my dad in prison today.
HYDE: Oh. How was it?
JACKIE: Well, first it was a real downer, then I realized that I'll be okay without my dad. Because the S.A.T.s proved that there's another man who could take care of me.
HYDE: You better be talking about Santa Claus.
JACKIE: No, Steven, I'm talking about you, because you have potential.
KELSO: He doesn't have potential. I have potential. Like, I'm reading "Moby Dick." And I'm not even halfway through and I can already tell you the ending. The whale is a robot.
JACKIE: Steven, just imagine what your life would be like with the love and support of a good woman.
(Fantasy Sequence. A large, posh looking room, almost like something out of the Victorian Era, though more…embellished. A person is playing the piano in the corner with a harp player next to him, and Jackie is listening to them while Hyde stands by the fireplace.)
JACKIE: Thank God for your strong S.A.T.s. Now we don't have to be poor.
HYDE: Not poor, indeed. Basic math and verbal skills are the ticket to great wealth, and, therefore, great happiness.
JACKIE: Poor Person, bring me a fancy cocktail!
(The poor person turns around and reveals himself to be Fez. He hands Jackie the cocktail on a silver platter.)
FEZ: It is my privilege to wait on you, madam.
JACKIE: Ohh, quite so, quite so. Okay, enough with the idle chatter, go be poor.
(End fantasy sequence.)
HYDE: Wait, someone's playing a harp in the corner? 'Cause if I'm rich, I'm hiring, like, Jethro Tull.
FEZ: Who cares? It's the same thing every time. I'm a butler, I'm a bellhop, I'm a stableboy. Well, I've had enough! I will not wait on you people any more. Got it? (He receives no answer.) Good. Now who wants a Popsicle? (Hyde raises his hand.)
KELSO: Wow. Here's something I did not know. They number every page.
(Eric enters.)
ERIC: Hey. You guys, you know how Red's always telling me to "buckle down"? Well, t turns out he's right. I do have to buckle down.
FEZ: You sure do. He's got an 800. There's your butler.
ERIC: Man, how can I ever marry Donna? I mean, I'm an idiot around her now, and we're only engaged. (The guys look at him with stern looks.)
JACKIE/HYDE/FEZ/KELSO: What?!
ERIC: Oops.
KELSO: You're engaged?
ERIC: (Laughs with a smile on his face.) No.
HYDE: How could you give her that ring? You're in high school, man. And according to the S.A.T.s that's about as far as you're gonna go.
ERIC: Look, just don't tell Donna I told you, okay? She'd kill me. It's supposed to be a secret.
FEZ: Of course she wants it a secret. "I'm marrying dumb guy." Who wants that spread around?
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Kitty and Red are sitting on the couch watching TV and eating popcorn.)
KITTY: You know, maybe Eric's bad score is a blessing. It'll be a good story when he's a senator.
RED: Senator? The word you're looking for is "Janitor."
KITTY: Okay, see? That's why Eric did so poorly on that test. It's because you're too hard on him.
RED: I have to be hard on him 'cause you always baby him.
KITTY: Because you're so hard on him.
RED: You babied him before I was hard on him.
KITTY: You were hard on him when he was a baby.
(Eric rushes in.)
ERIC: Hey, I just found out I can take the S.A.T.s again. I'm gonna take it again and I'm gonna nail it. I'm gonna buckle down. I'm gonna kick a little S.A.T. butt.
RED: Attaboy.
KITTY: Good for you! (Eric leaves.) Think he'll do any better?
RED: Eh.
KITTY: Yeah.
FORMAN KITCHEN
(Eric is studying. Donna enters.)
DONNA: Hey, what are you doing?
ERIC: Studying. I'd love to hang out but I really gotta buckle down.
DONNA: Okay. Can I raid the fridge? My dad wrote "Save for Bob" on all the food at our house.
(Donna gets something out of the fridge then bends down to pick something up. Eric notices it and goes back into his Eric Bond fantasy.)
(Fantasy sequence. They're still driving in the car. Donna drops a tub of margarine.)
DONNA: Oops. I dropped the margarine.
ERIC: Butterfingers.
(Donna leans over and reaches between Eric's legs where she dropped it.)
DONNA: It's so slippery; I can barely get my hand around it.
(End fantasy sequence.)
ERIC: Uh…I gotta go. (He runs out of the kitchen and into to the living room where Red is sitting on the couch reading the paper.) Ground me.
RED: What?
ERIC: I'm not strong enough. If I am gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.
RED: You got it, Pal. You're grounded!
ERIC: One more thing-Donna's in the kitchen. I need you to get rid of her for me.
RED: Do I have to be nice about it?
ERIC: No.
RED: This is the happiest day of my life.
FORMAN KITCHEN
(Red, Hyde, and Kitty are eating supper. Jackie walks in.)
JACKIE: Hey, Steven, great news. I found a couple savings bonds, and I can cash them in to help you pay for college.
HYDE: Jackie-
KITTY: College? I am so happy. You were an orphan, we took you in, and now look at you.
RED: I'm proud of you. And that money you've been paying in rent? I put it in a bank account for college…or bail. But this is better.
HYDE: Okay, enough. Jackie-college is a waste of time and I'm not going, okay? So just butt the hell out.
JACKIE: No, Steven, I won't butt out, because you need to be pushed, and we need to think about our future together.
HYDE: Look, even if we have a future, it's not gonna be what you wanted. It'll be more like…
(Fantasy sequence. Forman basement. Hyde and Jackie in their late forties/early fifties are sitting on the couch watching TV. Jackie is fat and Hyde has a beer gut.)
JACKIE: Steven, do you think I'm fat?
HYDE: I know you're fat. Go get me a beer.
(Jackie grunts and gets up. As she walks behind him she smacks him on the back of his neck. End fantasy sequence.)
JACKIE: Oh my god.
HYDE: Yeah, it ain't pretty.
(The two leave for the basement.)
RED: Please tell me they won't be living in our basement.
KITTY: Well, we'll be dead by then.
RED: Oh, good.
ERIC'S ROOM
(Eric's studying. Donna barges in.)
DONNA: You grounded yourself?
ERIC: What? Why would I do that?
DONNA: Well, apparently, I "gum up the works."
ERIC: Oh, good, someone filled you in.
DONNA: Yeah, Red. When he kicked me out of your kitchen. And then he locked the sliding door and stood there laughing and waving. Eric, why are you freaking out about this test?
ERIC: I'm not. I'm gonna take it again, and I'm gonna nail it. Anything less than a 1240 is unacceptable.
DONNA: A 1240? That's ten more points than I got.
ERIC: Really, that's weird.
DONNA: You're threatened because I got a better score than you.
ERIC: I just, I have to do better than you.
DONNA: Why?
ERIC: Because I'm the man, and the man's the man, and that's just the way it is.
DONNA: (looking at him kind of pissed.) What did you say?
ERIC: Um…I'm grounded. Dad, Donna's up here!
(Donna sighs and leaves.)
FORMAN KITCHEN
(Kitty is putting dishes away, Eric is sitting at the table studying, and Kelso is reading a book.
KELSO: That's it. (He slams the book shut and puts it on the table.)
ERIC: What's it?
KELSO: This chapter just helped me figure out the answer to you and Donna's problem, vis-à-vis your crappy score.
ERIC: Vis-à-vis?
KELSO: It's a PBS word, Eric. Stay with me here. I liken your situation to that of Pavlov's Dog. You see, Pavlov was this science guy. And every time his dog would ring a bell, Pavlov would eat.
ERIC: Are you sure it was the dog who rang the bell?
KELSO: Yeah, I mean, who else would it be?
ERIC: Pavlov?
KELSO: Well, that wouldn't be a trick, Eric. What man can't ring a bell? Anyway, every time that dog would ring that bell, old Pavlov would eat, and then he would drool.
ERIC: You just read that chapter two seconds ago.
KELSO: Do you even want my help?
ERIC: No!
KELSO: Your loss! (He grabs the book and storms off.)
KITTY: Okay, so what's wrong with you and Donna?
ERIC: She did better than me on that test. I'm sorry, but that is just not gonna fly. I'm the man, and the man's the man, and that's just the way it is!
KITTY: Well, honey, everybody has different skills. I do better on tests than your father, but he's the one brave enough to kill spiders. And since we've been married, how many tests have I taken? None. How many spiders has your father killed? Hundreds.
ERIC: But mom, spiders freak me out!
KITTY: We all have different qualities. But the thing to remember is, how you do on some silly test is much less important than how you behave in real life. I'll take a dummy over a jackass any day.
ERIC: So am I a dummy or a jackass?
KITTY: Well, honey, right now you're both.
FORMAN BASEMENT
(Hyde is sitting in his chair watching TV. Kelso is sitting in the other chair reading. Jackie enters.)
JACKIE: Okay, Steven, about your vision of our future with you swilling beer and me being fat? Well, that's not gonna happen, because I'm not gonna be fat. It's genetic.
KELSO: That's true. Her mother drinks two bottles of wine a day and she looks damn good. I've seen her vacuum in her underwear.
HYDE: So what's your point?
KELSO: My point is she's fricken hot!
HYDE: Not you.
JACKIE: Steven, all I'm saying is that I've become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. And if you would just live up to your potential…
KELSO: I don't know why you're talking to 950-guy over there. I got a 130 and I got 80 more potential.
JACKIE: Yeah, but Steven has my heart. Which is why I want him to be rich. I mean, think about all the stuff you could buy for me.
HYDE: Jackie, why don't you earn your own money, and buy those things yourself?
JACKIE: Myself? (She nods, considering it.)
HYDE: And I'm not like Forman. I have no problem mooching off your success. You know, you leave the room, I steal some money out of your purse. You pretend I didn't, but we both know I did. That's the future I see for us.
JACKIE: Oh, Steven, that's beautiful. (She gives him a kiss.)
KELSO: Oh, wait. So you don't even care that I did better than him?
JACKIE: Not really.
KELSO: Well…if being smart isn't gonna help me impress the chicks, then I want no part of it. I'm gonna go back to coasting through life on my good looks. And hey, my brains will always be there, so if I ever need 'em, I'll just whip 'em out, and use 'em like a secret emergency rocket pack.
HYDE: It's a good plan, man.
KELSO: Hey, it beats the hell out of reading.
THE HUB
(Donna is sitting at a table reading the comics. Eric enters.)
ERIC: Okay, Donna, look--
DONNA: Don't worry Eric, I'm only reading the funnies. Business section's for the man, right?
ERIC: Look, Donna, the thing is, I'm a jackass, and I know it.
DONNA: Well, I know it, too.
ERIC: Look, the only reason I said what I said is you agreed to marry me before the facts were in. Right? So now I'm thinking that maybe…you know, you might want to trade up.
DONNA: That's so stupid.
ERIC: Okay, I swear to God, if one more person calls me stupid today-
DONNA: Eric…Eric, my entire life, everywhere I've gone and everything I've done has been better because you've been there with me, and no test score is gonna change that.
ERIC: Wow. That was amazing. Did you come up with that yourself?
DONNA: Well, I saw Mr. Ingalls say it to Mary on "Little House on the Prairie." I just made it a test score instead of blindness. But I still think it's true.
ERIC: So, you're still glad we're engaged?
DONNA: Of course.
ERIC: Good. Hey, speaking of "Little House," did you ever see that one where Laura accidentally told Kelso, Hyde, Fez, and Jackie that she was engaged to Donna?
DONNA: Eric, are you kidding me? God! You can't even keep a secret?
ERIC: Hey, Donna, I got an 800! We're lucky I can wash myself, okay?
TAG
(Jackie's fantasy future. She and Hyde are sitting on the couch. Fez is standing near them.)
JACKIE: Poor person, where's my drink?
FEZ: Where's your drink? What about my drink? Next time you ask where your drink is, it will be in your ass. (He walks over to a statue and throws it on the ground, breaking it. Then he leaves.)
HYDE: It's so hard to get good poor people these days.
(Jackie nods in agreement.)
THE END.
