(Forman Basement: Hyde in his usual chair, Eric sitting on top of the couch, Kelso by the Radio, Fez beside Kelso, holding a soda and a popsicle)
Fez:(upset) Ugh! My last American popsicle washed down by my last American grape soda
Hyde:Fez, Its sad your getting deported, but this last American crap is getting really annoying
Fez:(Still upset) Ugh! My last American chance to annoy you
Eric: Hey, come on Fez, look on the bright side . . . I mean, we graduate tomorrow. You go to your country with a high school diploma, they'll probably make you like . . . Head medicine man or something
Fez: Eric, there is no bright side about going back to a place where people are out numbered by lizards.
Kelso: (Behind Fez thinking) I’m going to miss you man (Fez turns slightly to look at Kelso) when you get there can you mail me a lizard.
(Donna walks in, from basement door, with a packaged envelope)
Donna: Eric, guess what came for you? (reaches into package)
Eric: (nervous/quickly) Hey! They just send those to me, ok! I don't even (laughs) I don't even find those girls attractive.
Donna: No you perv (Pulls out a Key) its the Key to our new apartment in Madison.
(Hands key to Eric while he grabs it and sits next to Donna by the couch)
Eric: Wow!
Donna: Now we can leave tomorrow after graduation like we wanted.
(Eric still looking at the keys)
Eric: Great, By this time next week our new neighbors will be hearing your cries of love through our paper thin walls
Hyde: Cries of love . . . or cries of disappointment (smiles)
(Kelso walking across to get popsicle by dryer, then walks across to sit in chair by door)
Fez: Ugh! I don't want to go (sits on arm of couch)
Eric: Come on Fez, Its not like where never going to see you again. I’m sure in a couple of months you'll be like . . . on the cover of National Geograpic’s.
Fez: (angry) yeah, those bastards are always so intrusive
Donna: Fez, look, at least were going camping tonight and well all be together for our last big blow-out
(Donna pats Fez on the back while he smiles)
Hyde: Actually, it won't be all of us. Kelso can't make it on account of he's got a broken face.
(Kelso looks at everyone, confused, popsicle by mouth)
Kelso: I don't got a broken face
Hyde: Well you will if you keep on interfering with me gettin' Jackie back
(Hyde stands up from his chair)
Kelso: (Points popsicle at Hyde) Your the one who's interfering (stands up) You know what, I’m going and Jackie’s going and your staying home
(Hyde and Kelso standing up from there chairs, across from each other, angry)
Hyde: (angry) No! You are!
Kelso:(angry) No! You are!
Hyde:Fine! Stay home then!
Kelso: Du- I will (pauses to realize what he just said)
(Hyde smiling while Fez stands up)
Fez: (upset) Hey! Stop it. Would you please put aside your differences and go camping with me, we only have a few hours left together
Hyde: (upset) Fine! I'll go for you (sits back down)
Fez: (smiles) Good! Now, I’m off to spend the rest of my American money on candy and porno.
(Behind Fez, Kelso eating his popsicle)
Donna: But Fez . . .
Fez: (Excited) I said CANDY AND PORNO! (Exits basement door))
(In Forman Kitchen: sitting at the table are Fez, in Red‘s usual spot, and Jackie, Kitty‘s usual spot, Donna on the stool reading a magazine, Eric unpacking groceries by the sink, Hyde playing with an apple next to Eric, Kelso walking towards Jackie with boxes of cookies and weenies in hand)
Kelso: Hey Jackie! Your going to love these cookies on the camping trip there sweet and tasty just like me (laughs)
(Hyde walks across to stand behind Jackie)
Hyde: Kelso, this apple is kind of like you too.
(Hyde shows Kelso apple)
Kelso: You mean juicy and delicious (snatches apple from Hyde and takes a bite)
Hyde: No, red and bruised
(Hyde punches Kelso in the arm, Kelso groans while Hyde exits from sliding door, Kelso picks up weenies from the table and quickly walks to sliding door and looks outside)
Kelso: Yeah! Well these hot dogs are like you too Hyde, there . . . ugh? (turns to look at Erik)
Eric: Kosher
(Kelso turns back to look at screen door)
Kelso: (yells) Yeah! Kosher!
(Exits from screen door, 4 seconds later enters back into the kitchen)
Kelso: (confused) Wait, what’s a Kosher?
Eric: It means blessed by a Rabbi
Kelso: (Excited/ yells out) BURN!!
(Kelso exits sliding door once more, Donna stands up from stool to sit at the table next to Jackie just as Laurie is walking in)
Donna: Jackie? Are you sure you want to go camping, these idiots are going to be competing for you the whole time
Jackie: Well I’m glad Donna, they both jerked me around so much, I cannot wait to watch them fight over me
Fez: You know if you really want to mess with them you should do it with me (Grins happily)
(Jackie looks uncomfortably at Donna)
Fez: Hey talk about humiliating (laughs)
(Laurie leaning by stove holding sandwich)
Laurie: So, you guys are going to the big lake, huh? It is real fun up there. My senior year, I set the record for most topless rides on the rope swing (giggles silently then gets upset) I wish I was going.
Eric: Yeah, don't even think about it Laurie . . . there enough scary things in the woods already.
Fez: Eric, I'm being deported and she's loose with the boobs, she goes
(Hyde re-enters with Kelso behind him from sliding door while Laurie exits to living room)
Hyde: Hey Forman? Your mom just got back from the looney Doctor
Kelso: She got real depressed when she heard you guys where moving to Madison, huh?
Eric: Yeah your telling me. Last night she was making sounds that where giving my dad war flashbacks
(Hyde and Kelso exit to living room while Kitty and Red enter from sliding door)
Kitty: (dazed) What a beautiful day! I feel like a rainbow (waves right arm across) anyone else feel like a rainbow (waves right arm across once more)
Eric: (weird look to Kitty) What happened to her?
(Red holds prescription pills up and shakes them)
(In campfire, [night] from left to right: Eric, Donna sitting under him, Laurie, Fez, Kelso [with guitar] Jackie, and Hyde. Everyone sitting by campfire listening to Kelso play guitar and sings Don McLean‘s "American Pie" only with his own personal lyrics)
Kelso: (singing) Something touched me deep inside the day that Hyde . . . lied
(Hyde giving Kelso a look)
Kelso: (still singing) So bye, bye Mr. Steven Hyde I’m a hottie and your nottie Jackie's gonna be mine She likes my brunette locks not your curly ass twine Oh, Jackie Burkhardt you are so fiiiiine (not singing) Wrote that just for you, Jackie
Hyde: You didn't write that, you just ripped it off of American Pie
Kelso: The American Pie guy ripped me off
Hyde: (angry) Shut up, man!
Kelso: You, shut up!
(Jackie rolls eyes)
Donna: (quietly to Eric) Ok, I’m going to freak everyone out, so go hide in the woods and jumped out when I get to the end
Eric: (accent) Your as wicked as you are gorgeous
(Eric exits to forest, Donna takes Eric‘s place on log)
Donna: You know, It really creeps me out being up here after what happened to those kids
Kelso: (afraid) What kids?
Donna: Well a bunch of kids, just like us, where camping out up here (turns on flashlight, holds it beneath her while it hits her face) and they disappeared. And all the police could find ,where these bloody drag marks that led down to the lake
(Kelso gulps and looks around)
Donna: It was like . . . it was like something killed them and then pulled them in
Fez: (confused) Maybe it was the Loch ness monster?
Laurie: (patting fez on the thigh) No Fez, the Loch ness monster is in Africa
Donna: (continues) So the police, like, searched the lake with there, like, sonar and stuff and when they played back the tapes, all they could hear in the background was, like, a whisper
Kelso: (whispering) What did it say?
Donna: (ghost voice) I am the lady of the lake (pointing the flashlight to Kelso [scared] and to Jackie) I am the lady of the lake (normal voice) yeah, and you'll know when she is coming because she screams before she kills. Lets see if we can hear her
(all silent)
Donna: I said . . . lets see if we can HEAR HER!
Eric: (offstage) Do-Donna I’m stuck in a thorn bush
Kelso: (nervous/scared) I heard her, she's stuck in a thorn bush
(Donna stands up to exit)
Donna: Ugh!
Jackie: (rubbing hands together) I’m kind of cold, I'll reward whoever gets more firewood by (thinks) letting them feed me marshmallows
Hyde: I’m not going to go running around the woods trying to impress you
Kelso: I will (exits)
Hyde: Damn it! (exits behind him)
Laurie: I’m going to go take a walk down to the lake (exits)
Fez: (thinking to himself) She's going to the lake old boy, that means topless rope swinging, Now, do you want to spend your last hours in America eating smores or watching her glorious breast swinging in the chilly night air (out loud/Jackie listening) I choose boobs!
(Jackie watching Fez exit with a look of disgust on her face)
(In campfire, [night] Eric and Donna sitting alone together)
Eric: This is so strange you know, It's, like, our last night all together
Donna: Yeah, it's to weird to think about, lets, like, do something to get our minds off it
Eric: Well, here’s the tent (pointing behind him) So I'll tell you what, I'll go inside strip down and just lay there
Donna: Lets go skinny dipping! Meet me down by the lake in 5 min (stands up to exit, stops when Eric speaks)
Eric: Wait! So, I have to walk all the way down to the lake by myself
Donna: Yeah!
Eric: That’s cool
(In Forman kitchen, Red sitting at table, usual chair, eating and reading, Joann enters through sliding door pushing Kitty inside with Bob behind them)
Joann: Here you go Kitty, Home sweet home
(Kitty sits next to Red, Joann and Bob stand on each side of her)
Bob: I went into my closet to get a jacket, I found Kitty standin' in there
Kitty: I like the way the coats felt on my arms
(In forest [dark], Eric stops when he finds a pair of underwear and a bra by a rock)
Eric: Oh, yes!
(Eric starts undressing, Naked, walks forward calm and cool)
Eric: Why, there you are my little sex muffin (chuckles)
Laurie: (turns/ shocked) Little brother?
(Eric realizes its Laurie starts screams and runs off)
(In campfire [night], sitting from left to right: Hyde, Jackie and Kelso listening as the hear high pitched screams, which are Eric‘s)
Jackie: What the hell was that?
(Kelso jumps up, frightened)
Kelso: (scared) It's the lady of the lake, she screams and then she kills!
(runs to hide in tent behind him)
(In forest [dark], Fez walking in search of Laurie)
Fez:(thinking) there's Laurie. Ok, time to turn on the charm (out loud) Hey Laurie! Are you naked or are you just happy to see me?!
Donna: (turns/shocked) Oh My God! Fez!
Fez: (out loud) Oh My God! Donna! (thinking) Steady old boy, say something smooth (out loud) Nice honkers!
Donna: Get out of here! (throwing rocks at Fez)
Fez: (dodging rocks) Hey! You like the rough stuff, eh.
(In campfire [night], 'the circle' Donna and Eric together, Jackie, Kelso and Hyde)
Eric: It was awful (shaking head) I saw Laurie . . . and everything just went blank and I just ran Donna, I just ran away (crying) And then I heard these high pitched screams . . . And it was me
Donna: Yeah? well I've got bigger problems. Fez is a good artist. He's going to paint me into a nudie poster and sell it to every gaucho in Argentina or wherever the hell he's from, I’m going to be Miss Nude Argentina
Jackie: You know? Being here under the stars sitting on the grass, makes me really glad I’m not poor
Kelso: (smiling) Check out the fire baby, yeah, if there's one thing I’m good at it's turning a small fire into a big fire. Man, that one guitar shaped log is ROARIN’ (smile for moment/smile fades) (looks around) Is that my guitar?
Hyde: (smiling) Yep, Nice warm sound
Kelso: Your dead! (jumps on Hyde)
(Kelso and Hyde stand up from the circle and start to physically fight)
Hyde: Back off man, Jackie doesn't want you!
Kelso: She still has feelings for me and you know it!
(Jackie trying to break up fight)
Jackie: Ok, ok, ok you guys stop it! This isn't fun for me anymore!
Hyde: What? What do you mean, fun for you?
Jackie: I didn't say that
Kelso: Yeah, you did. What are you trying to do?
Hyde: Your getting your kicks off of watching us jump through hoops for you?
Kelso: We didn't jump through hoops, I’m good at that I would have won that
Hyde: All right, I’m done with this crap, Jackie, you chose right now, me or him
Kelso: Yeah, who is it gonna be?
(Jackie looks at both Hyde and Kelso)
Jackie: Wait . . . what, no I . . .
Hyde: What’s the matter? You don't know?
Jackie: (yells) No I don't Know!
(Jackie exits, Kelso and Hyde are left standing there, then they too exit)
Donna: Wow (sings) Dramaaaa
Eric: Yeah, for a second there I almost forgot about my sisters wet naked ass. (disgusted) Oh, God
Donna: Yeah, Where is Laurie? (Both look around) And where's Fez?
(In Kelso's van [dark], Laurie and Fez are lying in the back with no cloths on only a blanket, Laurie has covering up to her chest and Fez has it to his waist)
Fez: That was incredible, huh?
Laurie: (no emotion) It was okay
Fez: (smiles) Okay is good enough for me
(In Campsite [next morning] ‘Graduation day 10:23 A.M’ All but Laurie and Fez there, Donna and Eric get out of tent)
Eric: Wow, You know I don't know if it's the mountain air or the poison from that thorn bush but I slept great
(Donna looks at her watch)
Donna: Oh My God its almost 10:30! Where late for graduation!
(Fast pace motion of picking up campsite accompanied by music. Donna uncovers Kelso to reveal him sleeping in his underwear hugging a teddy bear, he stands and pulls his pants up. Everyone cleaning up, but Jackie, Who’s pouring herself a drink from a thermos. Eric takes thermos and throws Jackie the tent causing her to fall. Hyde grabs Kelso's burnt guitar and throws it in guitar case while Kelso, folding his sleeping bag, closes it. All gather the remaining things running to Kelso's car, exiting the camp area leaving it empty except for a teddy bear. Kelso returns to campsite to get his teddy bear then exits)
(In forest where van use to be parked ,in order of entering the scene: Erik, Jackie, Hyde, Kelso and Donna. All carrying there things)
Jackie: Wait, wait . . . guys . . . guys where's the van?
Kelso: (angry) I think it's obvious, Jackie! The lady of the lake stole it
Hyde: (to Kelso) Why would a ghost need a van?
Kelso:What's she gonna do, hitch a ride? (Still holding bear/angry) Who's gonna pick up a ghost?!
Hyde: (to Jackie) And your telling me you can't decide between us?!
Donna: Oh my God . . . Fez and Laurie. They probably took it to mess with us.
Eric: Aw man, it's . . . I’m gonna kill 'em
Kelso: (hugging teddy bear) Eric, if I’m write about the lady of the lake, and I think I am, they might already be dead
(In Forman living room, enter: Red, Joann, Bob, and Kitty. Red sits in his chair. Joann, Bob, and Kitty stay standing by couch)
Red: I can't believe those morons missed there own graduation
Bob: My whole life I've waited to hear the Pinciotti name called at graduation (looks at Kitty) When they skipped from Olindorf to Stevens . . . a little part of me died (cries)
(Joann patting Bob for comfort then grabs his hand)
Joann: Come on, let's get you a hoagie
(Joann and Bob exit through the kitchen door while Kitty is searching through her purse for her pills while Red stands up walking to her)
Red: Kitty, we've got to have a little conversation about those pills your taking
Kitty: (looking at pill bottle) These things? I think they're working wonders. You know I didn't cry once when Erik got his diploma. I just smiled and took his picture
Red: That wasn't Eric, that was some skinny girl with a Dorothy Hamill haircut
Kitty: (upset) But it's not fair Red, you -you-you teach your children how to- how to walk, to-to use a fork, to-to look both ways before crossing the street. And then one day you realize that all your doing is teaching them how to leave. We should never have potty trained him
Red: Listen, Kitty, We did the kid thing and it was . . . great. But now I'm lookin' forward to it being the two of us again. This is our time, let's enjoy it
(Kitty smiles and hands pills to Red)
Kitty: Your right, Red, I don't need those (laughs) Whenever I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous break down, I'll just come talk to you
Red: (laughs) And I'll just gave you one of these
(Red shows Kitty pills and she laughs)
(Forman Kitchen, enter: Jackie, Kelso, Hyde, Eric and Donna. Jack walks to counter, Kelso stands by stool chair, Hyde walks by sink, Donna sits on table, Red’s usual chair, and Eric stands next to Donna)
Eric: Wow, what a great day . . . Not only did we get to miss our own graduation but we got to ride home in the back of a pig truck
Donna: Yeah, When we went around a corner, one of those pigs almost went to third base of me
Jackie: You know what? I need a shower
(Jackie goes to exit to sliding door but Hyde stops her)
Hyde: Hang on, Your not going anywhere. You haven't given us an answer yet
(Kelso gets up to stand next to Hyde)
Kelso: Yeah. Who's it going to be?
Jackie: You know what? I can't talk about love right now, the bottom of my jeans have something BROWN ON THEM!
(Jackie walks across to stand by sliding door as Kitty and Red enter through kitchen door)
Red: (to everyone) Where the hell have you been?
Kitty: I have waited 18 years for my graduation picture. I want you all back here at 5 o'clock sharp in your caps and gowns ready to say cheese IS THAT CLEAR?!
Eric, Donna, Jackie, and Kelso: Fine!
(Donna and Jackie exit through sliding door. Kelso exiting but Erik stops him)
Eric: Hey, What kind of a moron leaves the keys in the ignition?
Kelso: (angry) When I put the keys in my pocket it distracts from my natural bulge. GOD!
(Kelso exits through sliding door)
(In Forman basement, Donna and Eric packing things in boxes, Jackie enters from basement door)
Jackie: You guys, I've been thinking about Steven and Michael all day and I don't know who to pick
Eric: Face facts, Jackie. There's only one good man in this town . . . and well he's leaving (laughs)
(Jackie sits on chair by radio)
Jackie: Eric, this is really hard. I mean, ok, I know I love Steven because he's smart and he's deep and when we have conversations he makes me think. . . which use to give me a headache, but now I really like
Donna: So . . . go with Hyde
Jackie: Yeah but Michael? Oh! Michael is so beautiful, and you spend a lot more time looking at someone then you do talking to them
Donna: Again . . . go with Hyde
Jackie: No, But Donna, you don't understand. Look, I know in a lot of ways I need Steven but Michael needs me and it's nice to be needed
(Eric gets up from leg of couch to sit at table to look at Jackie)
Eric: You know what Jackie? In order to help you . . . well just to speed this thing up, I, ugh . . . I think you should just take everything and toss it aside and ask yourself . . . Who do I love the most?
Jackie: Your right, Your right, that’s what I should do because I --
Eric: No, no, not here, not here (laughs)
(Eric stands up with Jackie holding her hand and pushes her out the basement door)
Eric: Yeah!
(Donna looks at box labeled 'Dishes')
Donna: More dishes? I thought we already loaded these
(Donna opens box, upset she pulls out one of Eric’s space ships he built)
Donna: You had to bring the Millennium Falcon!
(Eric mouthing silently trying to find an excuse but doesn't speak)
(Outside at Forman garage: Donna and Eric in cap and gown packing up Vista Cruiser, Hyde and Kelso in cap and gown leaning against Vista Cruiser. Red comes out from sliding door)
Red: (walking towards Eric) Son, Here's 10 bucks for gas
Eric: No way! thanks
Red: Well, I just want to make sure that you get out . . . I mean (laughs) that you get all the way there
(Jackie enters walking up to Kelso and Hyde)
Jackie: Ok guys, I made a decision
Kelso: So who's it going to be, tall and hot or short and Kosher
Hyde: Would you shut the hell up and let her talk
Jackie:Ok look, I had to ask myself a really hard question. Who do I love the most? And I mean theanswer was so obvious, it was staring me in the face the whole time. The person I love most . . .is me, I love me most
Hyde: You choose you?
Jackie: Look, if I could run across the beach into my own arms I would
Kelso: Wait - Wait! So where does that leave us?
Jackie: I'll figure that out after I spend the summer by the pool . . . I feel this'll be a lot clearer when I'm much tanner
(Jackie exits both of them to walk over to Eric and Donna)
Hyde: What a bunch of crap, man!
Kelso: You know freakin' girls, yeah, if it wasn't for the soft skin, the legs, the eyes, the long fingernails, the butts, and the boobs, I wouldn't even talk to them
(Kitty enters from sliding door with a camera)
Kitty: All right, all right picture time everybody get in front of the car
Hyde: Hey Forman, I got you a plant for your new apartment But, um, I can't give it to you in front of your parents (smiles)
(Eric and Hyde laugh and hug)
Kitty: Ok! Here we go!
(All gather for picture in front of Vista Cruiser, from left to right: Hyde, Erik, Kelso, Donna, Jackie, Fez and Laurie approaching from back of garage, Red by sliding door sitting down next to box)
Kitty: One . . . two . . .
Fez: Guys . . . I have something to tell you
Kitty: Talk while you pose
(Hyde moves in between Kelso and Donna and Fez and Laurie stand next to Eric while Red gets up with a box walking towards Vista Cruiser)
Red: Kitty? Be sure to get me in the background loading the last bunch of Eric’s crap
Kitty: Ok? Here we go! smile?
(photo still of the picture)
Fez: Ok, tell them Laurie
Laurie: I married Fez so he could stay in the country!
(2nd photo still but this time all in shock staring at Fez and Laurie, Fez is cheering [like if he’s saying ‘yes’ ]while Laurie is smiling. 3rd photo still of a close up of Red, angry, and a Jackie and Donna, shocked, 4th photo still of a Laurie, happy, fez, excited [making his ’yes’ expression] and a Eric, shocked)
Red: (furious) You did what?!
(Laurie running towards Red)
Laurie: Don't worry daddy, I don't love him, I was just bored
Fez: (to Red) Yeah, but we will be sleeping together
Red: (angry) You! . . . (holds left arm in pain) oh
Eric: Dad, are you all right?
Red: Ugh? Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just . . . Um, my arm hurts (clears throat)
(Kitty puts her hand on Red's forehead)
Kitty: Red . . . Red, your all clammy. Red, I . . . I think you having a heart attack
(Kelso walks over trying to grab Reds arm)
Kelso: No! Open your eyes he's having an arm attack!
Kitty: Michael? (Red pushing Kelso's had away) Michael get a chair? Laurie call an ambulance?
(Laurie exits from sliding door while Kelso pulls up a chair for Red to sit on and Fez walks next to him and bends down)
Fez: Hang in there dad
(At the sound of those words Red holds on to Kitty scared and angry)
Red: (looking at Fez) Kitty?
Kitty: Yes, Red
Red: If I don't make it . . . kill the foreigner
(Fez shakes his head ‘yes’)
(In Forest somewhere: Hyde with arms folded, Fez in middle licking envelope, Kelso on right, hands in pockets, all looking down on a river)
Kelso: So, Red’s gonna be okay, huh?
Hyde: Yeah, he’s doing better (Fez buts envelope in bottle) but he’s gonna be at the hospital for a while (to Fez) Hey, you got the letter for your folks?
Fez: Yes, I told them I’m married and I’m not coming home and that people have landed on the great white head (points)(three of them look up at sky)
(Fez throws the bottle into the river, and a splash is heard, as all three of them watch it for a moment)
Kelso: Yeah, That’ll get there
End
