FORMAN BASEMENT
Hyde: Does it bother anybody else that these women live in Hooterville?
Eric: Technically, Petticoat Junction is down the track from Hooterville.
Hyde: Okay does it bother anybody else they live down the track from Hooterville?
Donna: It bothers me that they bathe in the town water tank.
Kelso: With the dog...
Jackie: It isn't the drinking water. It is the water for the train.
Donna: It's still three naked women with a dog.
Fez: I want to be the Hooterville dog!
Kitty enters, coming down the stairs.
Kitty: Youhou... Coming down... Now don't mind me. I'm just putting some clothes in. Eric, honey, I thought you could wear this on your birthday. It's nice, you look so handsome in it.
Eric: Why would I wanna dress nice on my birthday?
Kelso: It's your birthday?
Kitty: Oh, you never know what's going to happen on your birthday...
Eric: Mom. Mom! Do not throw a party for me.
Kitty: Oh well, listen to Mr. Popularity. Like I have time to plan you a party. Oh, um, by the way, your sister Laurie is coming home from college for the weekend. No special reason, she just is.
Kitty exits, going upstairs.
Donna: Well, you're getting a party and best of all it's a surprise!
Kelso: I just realized Donna's older than you.
Donna: Only by a month.
Fez: Good for you Eric!
Eric: Good for me what?
Fez: In my country, it is good luck to fall in love with an older woman.
Eric: Fez.. Fez!
Fez: No, they come with life-stock.
FORMAN KITCHEN
Eric: Morning.
Red: Morning.
Eric is about to open the fridge when Kitty slams it shut.
Kitty: Uhn,uhn. I'll get it!
She gives him a bottle of milk. She turns around to give him a bowl while Eric starts opening a cupboard. As before, Kitty violently closes it.
Kitty: Uhn uhn, I'll get it.
She gives him a box of cereal.
Eric: Did I just see about seven bags of potato chips in there?
Kitty: They were on sale.
Eric: Please don't throw me a party!
Kitty: I'm not throwing a party.
Red: Don't give him one.
Kitty: I'm not.
Red: He's too old for a surprise party.
Kitty : I'm agreeing with you.
Red: Then stop yelling.
Kitty: I'm not yelling.
Eric: Look, I know money is tight so, I don't want a big birthday.
Red: I'll decide when money is tight. Now, what kinda gift do you want? Don't worry about the cost... As long as it's reasonable.
Eric: Okay, I would like a cassette player for the car. A cassette, not an eight-track. No eight-track, okay?
Kitty: You know, I don't know why they just don't put record players in cars.
Eric: The point is I don't want an eight-track tape player.
Red: Then you won't get one.
Kitty: Oh, but honey he wants one.
Eric: No, I want a tape player, just not an eight-track.
Red: You'll get a Delco. A genuine GM part for your genuine GM car.
Eric: Doesn't have to be a Delco. It's just for music.
Red: Oh now, see now, there's your first mistake. Parts have to be compatible Eric. You're not burning cheap gas in that car, are ya?
Eric: No sir. He pauses. Well I'm going out.
Kitty: Oh, oh, good. I want you to run to the store for me. Get a large can of frosting and fifteen small bags of M&Ms, plain not peanuts." She pauses. "They're for your sister.
Eric exits, hitting his head on the door.
Kitty, laughing: "That was close!"
DRIVEWAY
Guys are playing basketball.
Jackie: So?
Donna: What?
Jackie: What are you gonna get Eric for his birthday?
Donna: I don't know. Nothing seems right. I want to give him something special.
Jackie: He kissed you!
Donna: Shh! Shh!
Jackie: Get in the car! Donna, get in the car so we can talk.
Girls get in the car.
Jackie: Okay, what happened?
Donna: Jackie, I'm not gonna talk to you about this!
Jackie: And who are you gonna talk to?
They look at the guys who are making farting noises with their armpits.
Donna: Okay. We get home from the Rundgren concert and I'm sitting on the hood of the car... And I kissed him!
Jackie: French or American?
Donna:I can't believe I'm talking to you about this.
The both look again at the guys who are carrying Fez in a bungie.
Fez: Guys, No!
Donna: Okay! So. Look, I've lived next door to Eric my entire life and we talk about everything together. We love the same music, we love the Packers. Then I kissed him and everything changed. And now I don't know if he's my boyfriend, or if he's my best-friend . If he's my boyfriend, I lose my boyfriend. If I screw it up, I lose my best-friend and my boyfriend. Now I have to give him this gift and I don't…"
Jackie: Donna. Donna! I've solved it. Get him a scented candle.
Donna: A scented candle?
Jackie: It's practical and romantic. Oh yeah!
BASEMENT
Laurie is in the basement folding clothes in a sweat-shirt only when KELSO and Fez get in, arguing over the ball.
Fez: I had the ball last, I win!
Kelso: No, you didn't win.
Fez: Yes, had the ball last and...
The guys look at Laurie which is bent over, getting something out of the dryer.
Fez: Holy Mother!
Kelso: Hello Laurie.
Laurie: Hello Kelso, Hyde.
Fez: Who is the goddess?
Kelso: The goddess is Eric's sister.
Hyde: She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type which works for me.
Eric: Laurie.
Laurie: Eric.
Eric: Shouldn't you put some clothes on?
Laurie: Why?
Eric: Aren't you a little cold?
Laurie: "No, in fact I'm hot.
Eric: Oh, well then why don't you go upstairs?
Laurie: I am waiting for my jeans to come out of the dryer. And I want you to stay off my case. It'll only take me a minute.
Eric: I don't think Kelso is gonna last that long!
Laurie: Too bad. It's not like I'm completely naked under this. I'm wearing underwear, see?
She pulls up her sweat-shirt while all boys but Eric groan in desire.
Laurie: If we were at the beach, you wouldn't even notice me.
Hyde: If we were at the beach, Kelso would be in the water right now.
Laurie: So I understand you have the wagon now. I want to borrow it tomorrow night. I need it.
Eric: Okay, but I need a favor.
Laurie: For you? I don't think so.
Eric: Come on. Look, just tell mom I'm too old for surprise parties.
Laurie: But you're the baby and Momma loves her baby.
Eric: If you do it, you can borrow the VistaCruiser.
Laurie: All night.
Eric: All night?! Fine!
Laurie: Then it's a deal. Baby.
Laurie exits going up the stairs.
Kelso, laughing: Wouhouhouhouhou! Oh! Yeah! Your sister wants me! I mean you saw her coming on to me right?
Fez is about to talk but Hyde keeps him back.
Hyde: Let him go !
Kelso: Remember? I said 'Hello Laurie' and Laurie said:
Laurie: Hello Kelso. I'm waiting and I want you baby, to take me now. I need it bad, I need it all night. And Momma loves her baby. I'm completely naked under this and I'm hot for you Kelso!
Kelso: What? You didn't see it?
DINING ROOM
Red: Get out of the yard!
He sits down.
Red: So, how's your friend Janice?
Laurie: Pregnant.
Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?
Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall…
Red: Eric, for God's Sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!
Laurie: It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think mom does too.
Kitty: Well, I just don't like my little boy banding those words about. You're still my baby!
She wipes his mouth with a napkin.
Eric:Thanks mom! Laurie!
Red: Quit staring at your sister and eat your carrots.
Laurie: Oh yeah, Eric wanted me to tell you that he thinks he's too old for a party. Keys.
Kitty: There's no party! Laurie, loose lips!
Eric: Oh Laurie, I just remembered, I can't loan you the VistaCruiser on account of I hate you.
Red: Laurie, you're not driving the VistaCruiser. It's old and undependable. It could break down and you'd be at the mercy of any maniac who came along. That's okay for Eric. But you're taking the Toyota. Oh and here's a twenty.
Laurie: Will that cover gas?
Kitty: Oh well, it should. Honey, honey, give her another ten just in case.
Eric: I could probably use some gas money.
Red: Yeah. And if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hops.
LIVING ROOM
Doorbell chimes, stair-lights go on.
Eric: Coming. I'm coming!
Eric opens the door to find Donna.
Eric: Donna, Donna, it's three am! Are you crazy?
Donna: Crazy? Crazy in love with you! What is it about you that drives me wild with desire?
Eric: Well, I am seventeen now.
Donna: Shut up and sit down!
They sit down.
Donna: I have to give you your birthday present. It can't wait any longer. Close your eyes!
He closes his eyes. She puts in his hands he nightgown.
Eric: This is my birthday present?
Donna: No, that's my nightgown. I'm your present. Open your eyes birthday boy!
He opens his eyes to find a platter with two fried eggs on it.
HIS FAMILY: Surprise!
He is in his BEDROOM.
He screams.
Kitty: Birthday breakfast! And this is it young man! A few gifts tonight the end! And it is too late to change your mind about a party now so don't think you're getting one or you will be sorely disappointed!
Kitty exits, laughing all the way.
Red: Happy birthday. You know, the lawn's not gonna cut itself!
Red exits.
Eric: Thanks mom, dad.
Laurie: Hey little brother, nice tent!
BASEMENT
The whole gang is reunited and they're all sitting properly, well dressed.
Eric: Look, I know what you're all doing here.
Kelso: What are you talking about man? We're just hanging out like always except we're dressed nice but that doesn't mean anything.
Kitty goes down a couple of steps.
Kitty: Hi kids. Um, I need your help with something. Jackie, Donna, Michael, Steven , young man with an accent could you give me a hand? Not you Eric!
They all go upstairs. Eric sits alone in the basement.
Eric: God, I can't take it!
He wants to exit by the basement door only to find Red standing guard there.
Eric: But I...
Red: No.
Eric: No, I...
Red: No!
Kitty enters again by the stairs.
Eric: Eric, honey, honey, could you come up here for a second.
She starts up the stairs
Kitty (voice OS): Shut up he's coming!
VOICES (OS): SURPRISE!
LIVING ROOM
Eric tears open a package.
Eric: Wow, I mean yeah!
Kitty: It's an eight-track tape player!
Eric: I see that!
Red: Just what you asked for!
Kitty: You made such a big deal about it, I wrote it down!
Another package is torn open.
Eric: Cassettes! Great, thanks Hyde.
Hyde: You're welcome!
Kitty: Oh! Let's put them in the eight-track and play'em!
Another package.
Eric: Hey! It's a hot shave dispenser!
Kitty: Oh! He won't need that for a long time! A long, long time!
Midge: Of course he will! He's almost like a man!
Kitty starts crying.
Donna: I got you something.
Jackie: No! Donna help me find my purse. NOW!
Jackie drags Donna to the kitchen.
Donna: Jackie, you didn't even bring a purse!
Jackie: Duh! You can't give him your present in front of his guy friends!
Donna:I am one of his guy friends!
Jackie: Look Donna, I have put a lot of thought into this gift. Please do not wreck this for me!
Donna: I'm sorry. I guess I was being selfish!
Jackie: It's okay.
LIVING ROOM
Red: Okay, it's time we disappeared.
Kitty: What? Honey, honey, the party just started.
Red: I know, that's why we're going over to Bob's.
Kitty: Well, I wanted to give Eric a party.
Red: And you did.
Red pulls Kitty up and says to the gang:
Red: "You make a mess, you're all grounded.
Bob: You darn kids.
Kitty: You know, what if they run out of ketchup or something?
Red:Let's go!
Kitty struggling not to go with Red
Kitty: Well, we have more buns and sweet pickles if you don't like the dills.
THe parents exit
Laurie: Okay, I'd love to stay but I'm leaving.
Eric: Hey, buy us some beers, we'll pay double.
Laurie: Do you really think that beer will make your little party better?
Guys: Yeah.
Laurie: I admit it, it would give you young people a sense of maturity, but it would be a false maturity and that would be wrong.
Eric: So you're not gonna do it?
Laurie: Of course not. Now I'm going off to join my legal friends at a party, with a keg. Bye.
Laurie waves and is going for the door. KELSO runs to the door and stands beside the stairs ramp.
Kelso: So, Laurie, where is the party, you know, maybe we'll cruise by later.
Laurie: In your dreams you idiot.
Kelso: Okay, you guys had to see that!
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
THE PARENTS are sitting at the table.
Bob: Three fours! I need them.
Midge: Bob is very good at Yatzi!
Kitty: The liquor cabinet!
Red: It's locked!
Kitty: What if there's an emergency?
Red:They'll call.
Kitty: What if they run out of chips?
Red: They'll starve!
Bob: I'm gonna fix myself a Tom Collins. Red?
Red: No, Kitty needs one.
Kitty: I am just so worried. Oh My Lord! Laurie's leaving!
Red: Oh Honey, she's in college, she doesn't wanna hang around with them!
Kitty: Well, maybe I should make a call, just in case!
Red leaps up and takes the phone.
Red: Kitty, what could happen?
Kitty: What could happen? Well, plenty could happen! Oh, Plenty!
Kitty imaginates the whole scene:
FORMAN'S LIVING ROOM
Donna and Jackie are dressed up as prostitutes, with big afros. Kelso and Hyde as pimps and Fez is dressed up as a gangster. (All the dialogues are said by Kitty.)
Donna: Now that the adults are gone, we can be as bad as we want!
Jackie: Who wants to give Eric a venereal disease?
Kelso jumps over the couch.
Kelso: Hey look, coasters!
Hyde: Forget coasters!
They throw them.
Eric: Please fellas, my mom put out coasters for a reason!
Hyde: I think I'm gonna put my drink directly on the furniture. That way, it will leave a ring!
Hyde puts his glass down and turns it a few times.
Eric: Noooo! Why, oh why, didn't I beg my mother to stay?
Fez: Quiet you silly American! I am making a long-distance call on your parent's phone!
Eric: But that's immoral!
Fez: Hah! In my country, of where ever it is I am from, I can never tell, morals get in the way of a good dirty time. But first, I need to eat some chips.
Fez goes to the Chips bowl.
Fez: What? Out of chips? Now I am mad! I must shoot something!
Fez takes out a gun.
Eric: Not the littlest hobo!!!!
Fez shoots it.
Eric: WHY???!!!
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
Red: You're overreacting!
Bob hands her the drink.
Midge gets up, holding a little book.
Midge: Oh Kitty, when Valerie went off to school, I felt the same way. But this little book of poems helped me. It's called "Verses From An Empty Nest
Bob: Read her that one about the little bird that lost it's way.
Midge: Oh Yeah.
Midge opens the book.
Midge: The little bird that once did sing, Is now alone with broken wing.
Bob: Oh God!
Kitty empties her drink in one swallow.
Kitty: Yup, that sounds nice. I need a refill.
Red: But honey, usually you only drink one.
Kitty: Well, tonight I'm having two.
Kitty looks at Bob and he refills her glass.
b]FORMAN KITCHEN[/b)
Jackie is giving Donna pointers on how to act with Eric.
Jackie: Wait on the porch and I'll get Eric.
Donna: It's dark out there.
Jackie: And you're giving him a candle. Yeah! Here, matches.
Jackie gives Donna the matches.
Donna: He might not want to light it.
Jackie: Don't say that! Don't even think it! Now, when he opens it, he'll say cool, or something and then you give him a look, like this.
Jackie tilts her head and bats her eyes. Donna looks bewildered.
FORMAN LIVINGROOM
Fez: So, what did you get from Donna?
Eric:Nothing yet.
Kelso: Ohh! Maybe it's the big gift! You know, the really big gift! You guys know what I'm saying when I say the big gift, right?
Hyde: Yeah, we got it. And we got it.
Fez: I'm not even from here and I got it!
Jackie enters.
Jackie: Oh Eric, Donna's on the porch.
Kelso: He's getting the big gift!
FORMAN 'S BACK PORCH
Eric unwraps the gift.
Eric: Oh, a scent candle! This is very cool
Donna: Oh, it's nothing.
Donna does the move Jackie told her to do.
Eric: Are you okay?
Donna: Oh, I'm fine! Yeah.
Eric: Cause you, you had a look like you might be sick or something.
Donna: I am just being completely stupid.
Eric: Hey, that's my job!
Donna: I was worried about the gift.
Eric: Why? This is a very cool gift. I'd light it if I had matches.
Donna: Oh, here.
Donna puts the matches on the candle.
ERIC: You thought of everything.
ERIC puts the candle on the railing.
Donna: Well, Happy Birthday.
Their hands are on the railing and slowly he puts his hand over hers. They look at each other. Suddenly, a crash is heard and they pull back their hands.
Kitty and Red are back and Kitty is drunk.
Kitty: Ooohhhhh! Look at this! oohhh, We never thought to put a candle out here. Ohh, it is just so romantic!
Red: Let's. Let's keep moving, there's nothing to see out here.
Kitty and Red go in.
Eric: Thanks, thanks dad.
Kitty (O.S): Oh, we have candles in the bedroom, don't we?
Kitty and Red laugh Off Screen.
Eric and Donna are turned off.
PORCH AND A VIEW ON THE KITCHEN
Eric and Donna are now sitting, the candle is lit and is on Eric's knees. The rest of the gang is spying on them from over the kitchen counter.
Jackie: This is it, he's going for it!
Kelso: Uh uh. It's his birthday, she should kiss him first.
Jackie: She did it last time!
Hyde, Fez and Kelso: What?
Jackie: Nothing! Shut up and watch.
Hyde: Come on Forman, go for it!
Eric: The door is open, we can hear you. We can see you!
Jackie, Fez, Kelso and Hyde duck behind the counter.
Fez (O.S): Is he kissing her?
Hyde (O.S): "None of us can see them Fez.
Fez: Eric, are you kissing her?
Donna shuts the kitchen door and Eric blows the candle.
The END
