THE BASEMENT
Hyde and Fez are standing in the doorway, Kelso is in front of them.
Kelso: Push, push, come on you gotta push it!
Hyde: How much longer?
Kelso: Ten seconds. You gotta push harder, it's not gonna work!
Hyde: This is so stupid!
Kelso: It's not stupid, you're gonna love it!
Hyde: I’m not, not gona love it.
Kelso: Okay, that's time. Step away from the door!
Fez and Hyde step away, with their arms up, as if they were gonna fly.
Fez: Kelso, you're a genius!
Kelso: Yeah, well, it's magic.
Eric comes down the stairs with two sodas in his hands
Jackie: Oh my god, finally, I am so dehydrated!
Eric: Oh here, Piggly-wiggly diet cream soda.
He hands her a can.
Jackie: I told you my top three choices were Tab, Fresco or Diet Rite.
Eric: Again, you get Piggly-Wiggly diet cream soda.
Jackie:Then, I'll just have water.
Donna: You know, there's a hose in the back yard.
Kelso: I've noticed that the pop selection has really went downhill since your dad got laid-off.
Eric: He's not laid-off, he's just part-time. And shut-up!
Kitty comes down the stairs in a hurry.
Kitty: Kids, kids, kids, kids kids kids kids kids kids, the President's coming!
Eric: What President?
Kitty: The President of the United States, Gerald R. Ford. The thirty-sixth, eighth, fortieth, I don't know, he's the President!
She runs to the back room.
Eric: Why would Ford come to Point Place?
Jackie: Because. We are a whistle-stop along his Wisconsin campaign trail. My dad organized it!
Kitty is running back to the stairs holding small US flags, but stops and turns to Jackie.
Kitty: Dear, the next time you know a President is coming to town, please give me a little more notice. I need to vacuum. Eric, you tidy up this basement! A pie! I gotta make a pie!
She runs back upstairs.
Eric: Wow, the President's coming.
Kelso: You know what we should do. That door thing again!
The guys: Yeah!
The guys run back to the doorway of the back room.
OPENING CREDITS
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red: So, how's the car?
Eric: Real good
Red: By real good you mean you rotated those tires like I asked you to?
Eric: Dad, don't they rotate every time I drive?
Red: You're being a smartmouth?
Eric: Yes, and I'm sorry.
Kitty puts a dish on the table and she sits down
Red: Tuna casserole again?
Kitty: Well, okay, how about we don't pay the car insurance and we'll all have steak!
Red: Alright.
Kitty: Well, just imagine, President Ford is coming here. Red, we need to get rid of the oil stains in the driveway.
Red: It's not like he's coming to our house. And if he did, I'd kick him in the kiester.
Kitty:Stop it, how can you say that? You voted for Gerald Ford.
Red: Kitty, no one voted for Gerald Ford.
Kitty: But, he still is our President.
Red: Oh, the boy's old enough to hear that kinda talk. Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in what-the-hell-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?
Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.
Red: Eric, we're waiting.
Eric: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.
Red: Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're on for Miss America.
THE SCHOOL GYM
Speaker: Settle down and we'll start the assembly. Now, concerning the canned goods drive, motor oil is not a food. I'm sorry it's not and all your booing isn't gonna make it one. Now, as you all know, President Ford will be visiting our fair city. And I know there's some of you near-to-wells out there that might be planning some sort of quote unquote social statement type protest.
Hyde: I can't believe this, who cares if Ford is coming.
Eric: It's better than when the Oscar Meyers weenie mobile drove through.
Donna: They didn't even stop! They just slowed down and threw a bunch of hotdog whistles at us.
HYDE: Two girls in a phallic RV, driving around handing out things you blow… What a great country.
(Each time the speaker says a sentence or so, a light lights up above one of they guy's heads. First Hyde, then Eric, Kelso and finally Fez. U will know it when I put three periods.)
Speaker: So let me tell you another thing, mister or misses, punk. Protesting accomplishes is nothing… Oh sure, you might see a chance to prove your manhood or show you're cool… But this is our President, our President darn it! So no shenanigans, you hear me?… If that's your kind of attitude, you might just go home right now!
The EXIT light lights above Fez's head and he leaves.
BURKHARDT'S LIVING ROOM
The men are all smoking cigars.
Mr. B.: So President Ford should be arriving at noon.
Kelso and Jackie come in.
Kelso: Oh man, doubled-eggs. Are these for anybody?
Jackie: Hi daddy, hi Mister Pinciotti.
She gives her father a kiss hello.
Mr. B.: Hi kitten, now look, we're talking about adult stuff here. Why don't you and your friend head up to your room?
Jackie and Kelso look at each other and go out of the room running.
Mr. B.: Now, the most important part of our presidential rally is the town's people Q&A section.
Bob: Just so everyone's clear, the Q stand for question, the A for answer. All your Jeb.
Mr. B.: This is when normal folks step up to the microphone and ask the President questions, now you the important thing is to chose the right person. A working class guy, your average Joe. I guess someone you and I would call loser.
A light goes up over BOB's head.
FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY
Bob: So of course I thought of you. We'd like you to ask President Ford a question. So, what do you say to that?
Red: I say no thank you and I want my crescent wrench back.
Kitty: I'll do it.
Bob: No, no, you keep working on your pies.
Kitty goes inside.
Bob: Just imagine Red, you the little guy get to have your opinions heard by the most powerful man in America. Take advantage of this opportunity!
A light goes on above Red's head.
Red: Turn that light off!
Eric: Sorry.
THE BASEMENT
Hyde: Look guys, we gotta do something that says we will not pay an homage to a corrupt electoral system.
Fez: I know, a bloody coo!
Hyde: That's good, but we're looking for something great. Something that will make our founding fathers proud man, ya know?
Kelso: Let's streak!
Hyde: Bingo!
Kelso: I've always wanted to do that. Just run butt naked through a sea of people. Be free and shake it around! Alright, who's in?
Fez: Will people be chasing us with tortures and pointy sticks?
Kelso: No.
Fez: Then, I am in!
Kelso: Great! Eric are you in?
Eric: Streaking, don't get me wrong, I'm completely pro nudity, but I think my dad might kill me and I'm anti being killed.
Hyde: Hey, if there wasn't some huge downside to doing something this stupid, it wouldn't be worth doing, ya know?
Donna: Good point.
Hyde: Oh, and I could write some really great slogan like 'I hate the fuzz!' on my ass!
Fez: If you hate the fuzz on your ass, well then you just shave it off.
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
Bob is wearing a striped jumpsuit.
Bob: Pretty snazzy, uh?
Donna: Looking good dad.
Bob: I got one for you too.
Midge: We're gonna wear them to meet the President!
Donna:No, no way!
Bob: Honey, you're missing the big picture. Let me get the other jumpsuits, you'll see.
He goes to the living room.
Donna: Mom, why are you doing this?
Midge: Honey, there are lots of things I do to make your father happy that I don't really like.
Donna: MOM, eww!
Midge: No, not that. I love that. I meant like fishing.
The look on DONNA's face says everything. BOB comes back.
Bob: See, when we stand together, we're the American flag.
Donna: I'm not wearing a stripped jumpsuit
Midge: Oh.
Bob: No honey, you're the field of blue.
Donna: Bye now.
Donna puts the jumpsuit on the kitchen table and leaves.
Bob: But Donna, you're part of the family! Oh, my this hurts.
The phone rings. Bob picks it up.
Bob:Yello.
Red: Good news Bob, I've been thinking about it and I've decided I will ask Ford a question.
Bob: Oh geez Red, this is good news. And I could sure use it right about now.
Red: Yeah, well, glad I could help.
Red hangs up. Kitty is cleaning the kitchen counter.
Red: Oh, I'm gonna ask him a question alright. And it's gonna be a damn good one.
Kitty: Red.
Red: Now don't worry, I'm simply gonna ask him how the hell he's gonna fix this economy!
Kitty: Oh, honey, he wouldn't know that, he's the President!
SCHOOL CAFETERIA
Donna and Eric are sitting at a table. Fez joins them.
Fez: All this food for 45 cents. It is unbelievable.
Fez takes a bite of the content of the plate. And he puts down his fork. He pushes away his platter.
Fez: Oh, I see.
Hyde and Kelso join them. They are all on one side of the table.
Hyde: So Forman, the rally's tonight man, what's your decision?
Kelso: Yeah, are you gonna streak or not?
Donna: Don't pressure him.
Eric: No, I've been doing some thinking, and I'm in.
Hyde: Alright.
Donna: Well, you're gonna look like a bunch of idiots.
Kelso: A bunch of naked idiots.
Eric: Thanks Kelso. (He puts his hands in Front of him, as if in prayer.) Look, we must keep this quiet, it can't go beyond this table. If my father finds out what we plan, he will nail me to the wall.
The scene changes. Lights r on the guys heads. Jackie comes.
Jackie: Why are you all sitting on one set of the table? Huh?
The scene changes to 'The last supper’
THE FORMAN KITCHEN
Kitty is taking a pie to the counter.
Kitty: "Okay now, make way for my presidential pies. See, cherry, mock-apple, blueberry. See that, red, white and blue. It's like the beginning to "Love American style" in pie! Look, look at it. See, honey, you're not looking.
Red: Yeah, pie.
Eric: Hey dad, mister Pinciotti wanted me to give you this.
Red: What is it?
Eric: That's your question for President Ford.
Red: But I'm working on my question for President Ford.
Eric: Right, well, this is the one the comity made up for you.
Red: What has been your favorite parade? This is ass-night!
Kitty: Macy's.
Eric: Oh, no contest.
Kitty: Right.
Eric: Can I borrow your trench coat?
Red: I can ask the President any damn thing I want. It's my right! I'm not gonna be a puppet for Bob's comity.
Eric: Right, I'll take good care of it and I'll bring it back as soon as I possibly can.
Kitty: Honey, just take the coat and leave.
Red: No, Eric, a man has to stand up, and be heard. I will not sit quietly by while every thing is taken away from me. They took my job, my stability, now they wanna take away my right of free-speech.
Kitty: You still have the Toyota, it gets great mileage.
Red: Where's the America that I knew as a boy? Where? You tell me dear God, where?
Eric: Okay, I really hate being in this room right now.
Eric leaves running.
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
The guys are dressed in trench coats and Donna is looking at them.
Hyde: Okay, when the President starts his speech here, I'll blow my Oscar Meyer whistle, and we go.
Eric: Did you write I hate the fuzz on your butt?
Hyde: Yeah. Donna, uh, here's your lipstick back.
Donna: Keep it.
Eric: Hey, you've got the masks?
Hyde:Yeah, I've got three Snoopies and one Nixon.
Fez, Hyde and Kelso: "Not it!"
Eric: Damn, Fez, how did you know how to do that?
Fez: My country invented not it.
Kelso: Right, so, can we ogo already? I'm itching to release the hound here!
Hyde: It's go time.
The 4 guys put their hands together when Kitty comes out of the house with a pie.
Kitty: Oh, now well look at you guys. What is it with you young people and Colombo?
Eric: Bye.
They go. Kitty puts the pie in the trunk of the car.
Kitty: Bye. Aren't you going Donna?
Donna: No, my dad's gonna make me wear this really queer jumpsuit. I don't know if I can do it. It's just too embarrassing.
Kitty: You know Donna, my grandmother came from Sweden, and she had this thick thick accent and it embarrassed me to no end. Well, I asked her not to come to my high-school graduation 'cause I didn't want my friends to hear her talk. And she didn't come. Sixteen years later, she got the gout and died. You see?
Donna: No.
Kitty: All families are embarrassing. And if they're not embarrassing, then they're dead.
SCHOOL HALLWAY
Hyde: Alright, try to blend in, huh.
A Guy is talking to Jackie. Kelso spots them and goes to them.
Kelso: Hey, you're hitting on my girlfriend?
Jackie: Michael, he's not.
Kelso: Hey man.
Kelso pushes the guy. The guy starts taking his jacket off.
Guy: Fine, you wanna go?
Kelso starts wiggling out of his trench coat. And they start pushing each other. The guys keep him from taking his coat off and pull him away.
Kelso: You are so lucky I'm naked pal!
ASSEMBLY ROOM
Bob and Midge are standing in front of the audience.
Midge: There's supposed to be a blue field of stars there.
Donna comes in wearing her jumpsuit.
Midge: Oh honey.
Donna takes her place.
Bob: Now if we just start to say back and forth, it'll look like the flag is waving in the wind.
Donna: Oh God!
The Guys come in.
Kelso: Hey guys, there's another guy in a trench coat.
Fez:I bet he's a streaker too.
Eric: No Fez, he's with secret service.
Fez: How about that man?
Eric: Yeah, Secret service.
Fez: And that man.
Kelso and Eric: Yeah.
Fez: And that man with the dog?
Guys: Yeah.
Fez: Oh, the dog is looking at us. Come here boy.
Eric: No Fez!
Hyde: Oh! Man, I just thought of something.
Guys: What?
Hyde: What are we gonna do with our trench coats? I mean after we rip them off, we can't come back here and get 'em.
Guys: Oh, shucks!
Hyde: Oh God, this is all my fault! You know what? I'll hold the coats, you guys streak.
Guys: Thanks.
Kelso: I just thought of something too. We're naked, and there's a lot of dogs here! Maybe we should just sit down.
Hyde: I'm in.
Eric: Me too.
Fez: Me too.
Hyde: Okay.
Mr. B.: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States of America, Gerald R. Ford!
Ford comes in. He falls. The audience starts applauding again as he gets up… and falls again… and again, and again.
LATER
Donna is kind of hiding and listening at the speech. Eric comes to her.
Eric: Hey, what are you doing hiding over… Ookay.
Donna: Back off. I am a flag. Are you gonna streak?
Eric:No, we took a vote and it's unanimous. We're all very chicken.
Donna: That's too bad. It's been a while since I've seen you naked.
Eric:You've never seen me naked.
Donna: Like a zillion times! We were kids and you were always running around the neighborhood naked screaming Wee-Wee Pee-Pee!
Mr. B.: Now it's time for the Q&A portion of our program. First up, I'd like to introduce Red Forman. Red is the father of two wonderful children and how he's managed to keep them clothed and fed while being cut back to part time at the plant is beyond me. Now he doesn't blame the President for his misfortune, no sir, he only blames himself. I give you Red Forman.
Red gets up and goes to the microphone.
Red: Um… Mr. President…
The camera goes to Eric and back to Red.
Red:I uh…
The camera goes to Kitty and back.
Red: I uh…
The camera goes to Mr.B.
Mr.B (slowmo): Come on Red.
Then it goes to Kelso.
Kelso (slowmo): Your dad is bummy.
The camera goes to Eric, then to Red to Eric and back to Red. Now it goes to the audience. To the dog. And Back to Eric who puts his mask on, throws his coat on Donna's face and goes into the room.
Eric: Wee-wee Pee-pee, Wee-wee Pee-pee!
He screams and runs to the other door, followed by the secret services agents.
Red: Hey Jerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?
The audience applauds Red. MR. B. is disgusted.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Red is sitting on the couch, reading the paper. ERIC comes in, fully clothed this time.
Red: Hey son.
Eric: Hi dad. Hey um, good job at the rally today.
Red: Not bad… I kinda stumbled there at the start, but I think I nailed him with a good one.
Eric: Anyway it was, it was pretty cool.
Red: Yeah well, sometimes a man's gotta do what he thinks is right.
Eric: Yeah, I'm, I'm gonna call it a night.
Red: Alright son. Goodnight.
Eric: Goodnight dad.
Eric starts going up the stairs.
Red: Oh, and next time, don't wear black socks. You look like an ass.
TAG
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
Donna: How could they not catch you?
Eric: I guess no one wants to tackle a naked guy.
Donna: So true.
Eric: Hey you didn't, you didn't see anything, did you?
Donna: No, well, maybe just a bit. But not, not the bit.
Eric: Wait, what do you mean bit?"
THE END
