THE BASEMENT
Jackie, Kelso, Eric and Hyde are sitting in the basement.
Jackie: I'm waiting.
Eric: Forget it.
Hyde: Just say it and she'll go home.
Eric: Fine. You're right Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee.
Jackie: Thank you. Now Michael, call me tonight at eight o'clock.
Kelso: But that's when 'Chico and the Man' is on.
Jackie: I know, but I like it when you describe it to me. Oh, do your Chico impersonation!
Kelso: I don't think these guys really wanna hear my Chico…
Guys, cutting him off: "Sure, we'd love it. By all means please.
Kelso: Alright. Looking goood!
Jackie screams.
Jackie: I love it, I love it.
Jackie leaves.
Eric: Hey Kelso, quick question: why can't you date someone a little less annoying?
Kelso: Like who?
Eric: What about Barbara Vanson?
Kelso: Nah, she's just as annoying as Jackie.
Hyde: Yeah, but her boobs are huge!
Kelso: So ?
Hyde: Do you find that annoying?
Eric and Kelso stare at the magazine Hyde is showing them.
Kelso: Pam Macy! Now she's got some knockers baby!
Hyde: True, but they're not bigger than Barbara's.
Kelso: Yeah they are.
Eric: Oh, you're dreaming, it's like comparing…
Red comes in.
Eric continues: Exodus and Duderotomy both of which have taught us very valuable lessons. Oh, hi dad!
Red: Damn dryer is broke, oh nuts, I need my vice-grips.
Red goes out.
Kelso: Have you seen Pam in a two-top? It's like you're looking at the Grand Tetons! In a two-top!
Hyde: Look, the issue isn't are Pam's big right, the issue is are they bigger than Barbara's. Because Barbara's are bigger then…
Kitty comes down the stairs.
Hyde: The walls of Jerrico which as we all know, came tumbling down right! Hello Mrs. Forman.
Kitty: Hi, uh, Eric, did your father come down here?
Eric: Yeah, he's fixing the dryer.
Kitty:Oh dear, you know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he spent all his time fixing things. Things that don't need fixing. Things I need, things I use, things I love. I gotta go hide the crock pot.
Kitty goes back the stairs.
Hyde: Sounds like your dad is loosing it.
Kelso: Jeez, he's like this now, he's gonna be a total head case when they shut down the plant. Just gonna be this pathetic guy …
Red comes in.
Kelso: With breasts the size of watermelons! Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.
Red: Kelso, go home!
Kelso leaves.
OPENING CREDITS
DRIVEWAY
Eric: Forman has the ball, he fakes left, he fakes right, the crowd is on their feet. They're chanting Forman Forman!
Kelso steals the ball and scores.
Donna: I got winners.
Kelso: No, I gotta go, it's almost eight, I gotta call Jackie.
E/D: Looking goood!
Kelso: Shut up!
Eric: Pinciotti has the ball, Forman guards her closely. She tries to shake him, but she can't!
Donna shakes him and scores.
Eric: Pinciotti actually scores! Hell freezes over, a monkey types Hamlet!
Donna: One nothing. Losers out!
LATER
Donna: Pinciotti the underdog! Up by five. She fakes right, she fakes left, she fakes right then left, she fakes faking right and fakes left. Now she actually fakes…
Eric: Donna! What are you doing?
Donna: Running out the clock.
Eric: There is no clock!
Donna shoots over him and scores.
Donna: Sucker!
LATER
Donna scores again.
Donna: And that's game! Man what a slaughter! I just wiped the court with you from one side to the other!
Eric: I gotta go inside, but I'll leave a light on. I don't want you to gloat in the dark.
He starts going in.
Donna: Well, hey Eric, don't you want your balls back?
He comes back.
Eric: Okay, now look, that's a little uncalled for.
Donna shows him his two basketballs.
Eric: Uh yeah. Thanks.
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red: Is this table wobbling?
Kitty: I, I don't think so.
Red: No no, no no, it's definitely wobbling.
Kitty: Honey, anything will wobble if you shake it hard enough.
Red: Gimme a hand Eric, we're gonna flip this table over.
Kitty: Honey, Honey, we're eating, we're eating.
Eric: Yeah, just put a sugar packet under it.
Red: Sugar packet? That's what's wrong with this country Eric. Nobody wants to roll up their sleeves and work. They're all looking for their sugar packet solution. Well, not me. I'm getting a saw!
He gets up.
Eric: Mom, has dad gone crazy?
Kitty: I'm afraid so dear.
BASEMENT aka THE CIRCLE
Kelso: Oh, Donna beat you at basketball?
Fez: It is true Eric?
Eric: Yeah. Why, is that a big deal?
Hyde: Of course not, unless Donna happens to be, you know, a girl.
Kelso: Especially a girl you love!
Fez: You know, in my country, if a woman beats you it makes it want you!
Eric: Really?
Fez: Yes. But this is America, wuss!
Kelso chanting: Wuss wuss wuss wuss, wuss wuss wuss wus.
Hyde: Kelso, Kelso, would you stop that? Wuss wuss wuss wuss, wuss wuss!
Eric: Wait, wait wait wait, what about Kelso, I mean Jackie has him totally whipped!
Fez: Whipped like the family pig.
Kelso: I am not pig-whipped. Where do you even get that stuff?
Hyde: Are you kidding? Michael, call me at eight!
Eric: Michael, do your Chico impression.
Fez: Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you!
The guys are shocked.
Fez: Please, some one else talk now.
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red: I think we got it!
Kitty: That's lovely Red!
Red: Solid as a rock!
Kitty: It sure is! Thank you!
The table is tilted. Kitty puts a pitcher of lemonade and a glass carefully on the table.
Kitty: Now, um, why don't you go watch TV while I get lunch ready?
Kitty puts a cantaloupe on the table and holds it there while she reaches with her other hand for the knife.
Red: Kitty, take your hand off of that melon.
Kitty: You know, you haven't gone fishing…
Red: Kitty, take your hand of that melon.
Kitty takes her hand of the melon and it rolls off the table.
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
Bob: Well, I gotta get back to work. Midge, this table is a little wobbly stick some sugar packets under it, will ya?
The phone rings. Midge answers.
Midge: Hello?
Jackie: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Midge: Donna, it's for you!
Donna: Hello?
Jackie: You beat Eric at basketball, how could that happen?
Donna: So, I beat Eric at basketball, what's the big deal?
Jackie: Eric will never be your boyfriend if you keep beating him at stuff! Okay it is like in 'West Side Story', now, if Maria beat Tony at one-on-one, they would never have fallen in love.
Donna: Yeah, and Tony never would've been killed in that knife fight.
Jackie: And neither will Eric if you're not careful!
Donna: No, don't worry about it, someone will stab Eric. BYE!
Donna hangs up.
Midge: Honey, I think your annoying friend is right.
Donna: What?
Midge: Certain things change.
Donna: Eric and I have been playing games our whole lives. Now sometimes he wins and sometimes I win.
Midge: No, I mean the rules change. Women have to pretend to be weak and fragile so that men can feel superior.
Donna: That's insane! If women don't wanna stand up for themselves, men will always control the world.
Midge: Oh, honey, men don't control the world.
Bob: Okay, I'll see ya later.
Midge: Honey, could you open this jar for me?
Bob: Sure thing pudding.
After putting more strength in it, he opens it.
Midge: Oh, I'm so lucky to have my big strong grizzly bear around.
Bob roars and they kiss goodbye.
Donna: First of all, yuck! Second, things don't even work like that anymore. That's what the equal right amendment is for.
Midge: That's good to your use and your principles. And forty years from now, you can tell all your cats how you won a basketball game.
JACKIE'S ROOM and THE HUB
Jackie is chatting on the phone
Kelso: Uhuh.
Hyde: Man, are you still on the phone? Come on let's go.
Kelso: I can't.
Hyde: Hey! The movie starts in five minutes. Let's go.
Kelso: I can't.
Hyde: Wuss!
Kelso, into phone: Jackie, hold on.
Kelso puts his hand over the upper part of the receiver instead of the lower part.
Kelso: Okay, I'll tell her there's an emergency and I gotta go. She'll buy that, right?
Hyde: Yeah, except for one thing.
Hyde removes Kelso's hand and places it correctly over the lower part of the receiver.
Jackie hangs up.
Kelso: Jackie, Jackie?
Kelso looks for change in his pockets.
Fez: Don't be her whipped pig!
Hyde: Yeah, look, she hung up on you, let's go, you'll call her later, okay?
Kelso: Yeah, she hung up on me! Let's go!
They leave.
Donna: Do you wanna play a hockey?
Eric: With you? Oh, I'd love to but I'm kinda tired and my wrist hurts and I think I'm coming down with the flu.
Donna: Well, it's just as well, I'm pretty bad at it.
Eric: You know, one game isn't gonna kill me.
They get up.
Eric: Right, you serve first.
She serves and it backfires.
Eric: Wow, no way you could stop that! That was going so fast you couldn't even see that!
She serves again.
Donna: I saw that!
Sequence with most of the goals Eric takes.
Donna: Well, that's game.
Eric is dressed as a woman, in a yellow dress.
Eric: Oh it's, it's great.
Donna: Are you okay with that?
Eric: Sure.
His chest inflates into two big boobs and he leaves.
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red: Bingo!
Red pulls the chair and sits in front of the table which is now too short…
Red: Oh crap!
Kitty: No, no no no! Now, look, we'll get rid of these chairs and we will sit on the floor like those nice Japanese people in "Flower Drum Song"!
Red: I'll have to make new legs for that damn thing. I'll be in the garage if you need me.
Kitty: Okay, well now, you take your time and you do a good job. You call me if you need anything!
Red: Shh!
Kitty: I mean if you…
Red: Shh Shh! Is it me or is that refrigerator too loud?
Kitty: What refrigerator? Red, there is no noise. There is no noise.
Red goes to the fridge and Kitty starts singing.
Kitty: You'll be swell, you'll be great. Gonna have the whole word on a …
DRIVEWAY
Eric is shooting some hoops, Donna comes over.
Donna: Hey nice shot.
Eric: Thanks.
Donna: You wanna play ?
Eric: I don't know.
He shoots the basketball and it goes in directly, not even touching the rim.
Eric: Okay, why not. Alright games to twenty one, I'll take it out first.
Eric dribbles past her and scores.
Donna: Have you been practicing?
Eric: Well, a little…
Donna starts dribbling, but she does it really awkwardly. Eric steals the ball and scores.
Donna: My goodness, what a super shot!
Eric: Donna, what are you doing?
Donna: I'm loosing to you, you big strong grizzly bear.
She roars and looks like she shouldn't have done it.
Eric: Donna, you're intentionally throwing the game.
Donna: I'm throwing the game?
Eric: Donna!
Donna: I didn't want you to feel bad about loosing to a girl again!
Eric: Well, thanks, 'cause being pitied is so much better.
Donna: God! I can't believe you care about this! All I did was beat you at a few lousy games!
Kitty comes out of the Kitchen and hears most of the conversation.
Eric: A few? No two, try two lousy games. Not a few, two. And I don't care so please leave my propriety.
Donna: As long as you don't care.
Eric: God!
Eric throws the basketball at the garage. He sees Kitty.
Eric: Have you been standing there the whole time?
Kitty: No, I came out to get one of your father's tools. He's in there working on my refrigerator! So I gather you and Donna are going through a rough patch.
Eric: No mom, we're in a school play about two people who hate each other.
Kitty: Oh, okay, okay Mr. Smartmouth! But when you get older, you are going to realize that it's pretty silly to get upset about losing a game to your girlfriend.
Eric: You know what? I don't wanna talk to you about this.
Kitty: Oh, you know what? I don't wanna talk to you about this, but I will tell you one thing. Your father and I have played many, many games over the years and we never kept score and we always had fun. Now, what did I come out here for? Oh, your father's fixing my refrigerator.
Kitty takes a sledgehammer and hits some pipes with it.
Kitty: Red, honey, forget the refrigerator. There's something wrong with the garage door.
THE HUB
Jackie comes in.
Jackie: Michael we need to talk. And I'm over here!
Kelso: Oh god, what am I going to do?
Hyde: Well, you could, and I know this is a radical suggestion, but be a man!
Kelso: You're right Hyde. No more excuses.
Fez:She will crush him, yes?
Hyde: Like the spirit of your Mayan forefathers.
Fez: My forefathers were not Mayan.
Hyde: Like anyone cares.
Jackie: So Michael?
Kelso: So, Jackie? I didn't mean to make you hang up on me! I'm, I'm sorry, it will never happen again.
Jackie: That's okay, you were obviously under a bad influence.
Kelso: Yeah.
Jackie: I'm thirsty, Michael, get me a pop.
Hyde: I'm sorry, I remember saying be a man, not be a wuss.
Fez: I am ashamed to know you.
Kelso: Uh uh, uh uh. All those who are getting some, hands up. Anybody else? Getting some? Hyde? Fez? Yeah.
DRIVEWAY
Donna is shooting some hoops.
Eric: What are you doing?
Donna: Just shooting some hoops, waiting for an apology.
Eric: Well, when you think of one, I'll be glad to hear it.
Donna: Okay look, we are both acting like jerks. I'm sorry.
Eric: Yeah, I'm sorry too.
Donna: You know, maybe we shouldn't play basketball anymore. Or any games for that matter.
Eric: Yeah, maybe. End of an era, huh?
Donna: Hey, remember when we were eight and I beat you at wrestling? That was fun.
Eric: Donna, you sat on my chest and made me eat a clump of dirt.
Donna Alright, screw it, you wanna just play?
Eric: Yeah, yeah, I do. Hey, you're not gonna make me eat a clump of dirt again, are you?
Donna: We'll see.
LATER
Eric: Forman has the ball, he fakes left, he blows by Pinciotti.
Donna: Pinciotti leaps on his back!
She leaps on his back and They both fall to the ground.
Eric:What do you want?
Donna: Gimme the ball!
They continue to wrestle.
Eric: Okay, foul!
Donna: So now suddenly, we're calling every little thing?
She starts crawling.
Eric: Hey, what are you doing?
Donna: Reaching for a clump of dirt.
Eric: Don't!
Donna: Must reach clump of dirt!
Eric: Not while I still breathe!
They start wrestling since they've reached a pretty awkward position with Eric on top of her.
Donna: What?
Eric: Nothing.
Bob, (O.S.) : Donna!
Eric: Wait, you gotta go!
Donna: That's my dad!
Eric: Right.
Donna gets up and leaves.
Donna: See ya!
Eric: Bye. Hey wait, who won?
Donna, (O.S.): "I wasn't keeping score!
Eric: Cool, me neither.
Suddenly, the garage door opens and out comes Red.
Red: Well, that was pretty sad Eric.
Eric: What?
Red: Come on, I'm gonna teach you how to play basketball. We've got four hours 'til your bed time. And we're gonna drill, drill, drill.
Eric: But I thought that mom needed your help.
Kitty, (O.S.): "I can't hear you Eric, I'm ironing. Lalalalala.
Red: We'll start you off with a hundred squat-thrusts.
Eric: Dad, we don't even know who won.
Red: She did. Now hit it!
Eric starts doing them.
Red: One, two, three, four…ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred.
Eric falls down in exhaustion.
Red: Okay, let's play!
THE HUB and JACKIE'S BEDROOM
Jackie is chatting on the phone.
Jackie; Barbara Streisand becomes this huge star, right? But Chris Christopherson could not take it anymore. So he drink and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?
Fez is the one listening.
Fez: Say yes it is.
Kelso: Yes, it is.
Jackie: Oh, I just love romantic moves, don't you?
Fez: Yes I do.
Kelso: Yes, I do.
Jackie: You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had by the reservoir, when we went skinny-dipping… Remember?
Fez: No, describe it to me.
Kelso: No, describe it to me.
Jackie: Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold. So, when I dove in, well you know!
Fez: No, I don't know!
Jackie: "MICHAEL!
Her scream breaks the TV scene.
THE END
