ERIC FORMAN"S DRIVEWAY
The guys and Donna are playing Horse in the driveway. Donna passes the ball to Kelso and he shoots. He misses.
Kelso: Damn!
Hyde: Oh, Kelso misses another one. I believe that's H-O-R.
Fez: Oh, you are a whore.
Kelso: No, the game is horse.
Fez: Oh
Fez gets farther away and Hyde gives him the ball.
Jackie: Okay, you know what Michael? I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna do my homework.
Eric: You do your homework on a Saturday night?
Jackie: Yeah!
Eric: Look, I mean look at me, I've got a thousand-word term paper due Monday but you don’t see me sweating. I've got a whole crappy Sunday to do it.
Kelso: Jackie, don't go home. I mean Steve Martin hosts this Saturday Night.
Jackie: I hate that show. Okay, they have these commercials that you think are real, but they're not real! And then you wanna buy the stuff. Okay, see you Michael!
Jackie leaves.
Hyde, Donna and Eric: Bye, bye bye!
Jackie: Shut up!
Hyde: Kelso, Jackie does her homework on Saturday night. That's so hip !
Kelso:Guess I don’t have to worry about Jackie anymore 'cause I'm breaking up with her.
Eric: We are so tired of hearing you say that !
Kelso: No, I am, I'm breaking up with her.
Hyde: Yeah, when
Kelso: I'm picking my moment.
Eric: Hey, where's Fez?
Fez is in the backyard. He shoots and scores.
Fez: Make that shot whore!
OPENING CREDITS
FORMAN KITCHEN
Kitty: Well now, aren't the waffles extra-delicious this wonderful morning?
Eric: Did you quit smoking again?
Kitty: And why do you ask little one?
Eric: Well, you're kinda talking like Snow White so I figured...
Red: Eric!
Eric: Which is great. I really want you to quit.
Kitty: Well, I should've quit a long time ago. I'm a nurse, I know better. More sausage
The phone rings.
Red: I'll get it.
Red answers.
Red: Hello, oh, oh, that's too bad. Well sure, we'd be glad to. Yeah, see you soon. Bye.
Red hangs up.
Kitty: Who is that dear?
Red: My mother. Seems like Uncle Paul broke his, his ankle and she's going to church with us today.
Kitty: No, she's not. It's Paul's turn to take her.
Red: Well, like I said, he broke his ankle.
Kitty: Broken ankle, whatever, it's his turn.
Red: Kitty, the man is injured!
She goes to the freezer and takes out a chicken. Then she goes to the oven and takes out the ham that was cooking.
Kitty: Okay, that is just great. I will just take a chicken out of the freezer. Because we know Bernice doesn't like ham.
Red: Okay, okay look, I'll just call her and tell her that we can't make it.
Kitty: Oh, Red, Red, Red, Red, Red. You know who'll get blamed for that.
Red: Oh, why should she blame you? She's my mother.
Kitty: Something she never lets me forget!
Eric: Look, uh, you could tell her I'm sick or something.
Kitty: Eric, go upstairs and put on that shirt your grandmother gave you.
Red: Eric, just stay there. Your mother is just being ridiculous.
Kitty: You know what's ridiculous is giving your mother our phone number.
Red: What's being ridiculous is the fact that...
Eric: Hold it! Hold it! Ho - hold it. Now look, let's just stay calm. Mom, if it'll help you out, I'll hang out with Grandma so she'll leave you alone. What do you say?
Red: Well, first of all Eric, I'm the one who says hold it. When you pay the bills, you get to say hold it. Now get in the car. 'Cause we're going to church and we're gonna have a damn nice Sunday
Red gets out.
Kitty: Well, you're damn right. Just try and stop me.
Kitty gets out.
Eric: Damn.
Eric gets out.
GRANDMA'S DRIVEWAY
Kitty and Red are waiting for Eric and Grandma in the Toyota.
Kitty: Here she comes. Oh God Red, I don't think I can do this.
Red: Kitty, do us all a favor and light up.
Kitty: I’m fine.
Eric walks Grandma to the car.
Eric: Careful Grandma.
Eric shuts the car door. Bernice screams.
Bernice: Ahh!! Ahh!!
Eric opens the car door.
Bernice: Just my dress
Eric shuts the car door very carefully.
Kitty:Well, it's nice to see you Bernice.
Bernice: I hate this car. You know I just hate this car. Your brother Jerry has a beautiful car. A Lincoln. But then he makes more money, a lot more money than you do.
Red: Alrighty then.
Bernice: So, Kitty, Eric tells me that you quit smoking.
Kitty: Yes, yes I did quit. And I just, I feel great.
Bernice light a cigarette.
Bernice:Well, good for you dear.
She turns around and blows smoke on Kitty.
THE CHURCH
Pastor: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, Amen. Please stand for a moment of silent meditation.
Everybody stands up and silently meditate. We hear the Forman's thoughts.
Kitty: Dear God. Thank you so much for helping me quit such a filthy, disgusting, soothing, delicious habit, oh god I can't do this, no no! I'm fine! Amen.
Bernice: Dear God, what's with all the poor folks?
Eric: Dear God, I don't mean to bother you on your day off, but, I promised to help out with Grandma, and I have a term paper due tomorrow, so if you could either, get her to leave early today, or burn down the school tomorrow... I mean, either or! God's choice. It'd really help me out, man. God. Lord. Uh, amen.
Red: Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Amen. Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah, blah, blah...
THE BASEMENT
Hyde is sitting in his chair, Donna and Kelso are on the couch, Jackie is on the back of the couch and Fez is on a tricycle, moving back and forth.
T.V.: Welcome to Worship for shut-ins.
Kelso: Change it.
Fez changes the channel.
The channel is broadcasting bowling.
Hyde: Alright, change that.
Fez changes the channel.
Donna: How did we change channels before Fez?
Kelso: I don’t think we did.
Eric comes down the stairs.
Eric: Oh you guys! I gotta work on my term paper.
Donna: Where's Grandma?
Donna imitates a wild beast, making her fingers into claws.
Eric: Oh, she's in the bathroom, so I've got, like, twenty minutes, half hour tops.
Donna: What's the assignment?
Eric: Alright. In a thousand words, describe the three branches of the United States government and their functions. I'll never make it.
Donna: Well, go up and tell them you've got homework to do.
Eric: No, I, I wanna keep peace in the family.
Hyde: Yeah Donna. Forman wants the Hallmark card family.
Eric: The what?
Hyde: You know, Grandma comes over...
Kitty, Bernice and Red are in a "Just For You" card. They're all sitting on the couch and Hyde is speaking for them.
Kitty: To my mother in law this beautiful Sunday. Your smiling face, your kind embrace, have made my home a happy place.
Bernice: And I'm so happy you're the one to whom I gave my loving son.
Red: And I'm so happy you're both happy, 'cause otherwise life would be crappy.
Back the basement.
Eric: I don't want that.
Hyde: Yeah you do. I can see it in those wide, hopeful eyes. But the reality is this.
Back to the card.
Bernice: To my daughter in law. You took my son.
Kitty: You wrecked my life.
Bernice: You stole my youth.
Red: You hate my wife.
Kitty: I do my best.
Bernice: Well, that's a joke.
Red: I’m going out.
Kitty: I need a smoke.
Back to the basement. Red comes downstairs.
Red: Damn it Eric, quit hiding from your grandmother. She's old, she could die, now move it.
Eric: I thought she was in the bathroom!
Red: False alarm.
He goes back upstairs.
Donna: Look. Go take care of your grandmother, we can do this.
She takes his binder.
Eric: Thanks.
He goes back upstairs.
Kelso: Alright, how many words does he have?
Donna: His name, the date, the class. Seven.
Hyde: He's screwed.
Donna: Yeah.
Kelso: Use his middle name.
Jackie: See, this would never happen to me. That is why I do my homework on Saturday.
Hyde: This is a moment Kelso. Pick it!
Jackie: I think you all could learn something from me right now.
Hyde: Moment number two.
Kelso: Alright Jackie, we need to talk.
He gets up and stands in front of her.
Hyde does a little Hawaiian dance with his hands.
Hyde: Neero neero neero..
Jackie: You know what? I did the same paper last year in history. I think I got an A. You want me to go home and get it
Donna stands up.
Donna: Lemme think. Yeah!
Kelso: Hold on Donna. Jackie, we need to talk about this whole situ...
He moans in pain as Donna twists his arm.
Donna: Jackie, why don't you go ahead?
Jackie: Okay.
Jackie leaves.
Donna: Do not break up with her yet. Do you understand me?
She grabs his face.
Donna: Say you understand me!
Kelso: All this time I thought you didn't like Jackie!
Donna pulls him down by the ears.
Donna: Just don't break up with her yet.
Kelso: Okay, okay, okay.
Donna: Alright.
She lets him go and he leaves too.
Hyde: Hey, what do we need Jackie for, man? I know more about this stuff than she does. The three true branches of the government are military, corporate and Hollywood. I need a pencil, I've got it, I've got it!
Donna opens the door and finds Kelso and Jackie making out.
Donna: Jackie, run!
FORMAN KITCHEN
Bernice is smoking a cigarette.
Kitty: I hope you're hungry as the chicken will be done soon.
Bernice: I can't eat chicken. You know I have an irritable bowel.
She takes a long drag off the cigarette and Kitty looks at her, tempted.
Bernice: You should've made a ham.
Eric: Oh boy Grandma, that was a great service this morning, don't you think?
Bernice: Well, I think the pastor talked too much about forgiveness. Some people shouldn't be forgiven.
Eric: That is why theology is such a rich...
Kitty: You know Bernice, some people don't need forgiveness. They just need a little understanding.
Eric: Oh to true. Have you seen God spell?
Bernice: You know what I don't understand is how in hell a brilliant young man like my
Red could've thrown away everything...
Kitty stands up and throws Eric a pleading look.
Eric: Grandma, why don't we go into the living room and I'll rub your feet!
Grandma gets up and hugs Eric.
Kitty mouths: Thank you.
Bernice: Wonderful boy! Oh, look at how thin you are. Is your mother feeding you enough? You should come and live with me.
Eric: Ha, ha, ha. NO.
LIVING ROOM
Red is on the couch watching the game. When Eric and BERNICE come in, HE leaps up.
Red: Hi! I was just on my way to the garage to fix this!
Red holds up a bunch of grapes made out of glass.
Eric: Dad, just watch your game.
Red: No, no. It's just the Packers.
Red turns off the television and leaves while BERNICE is already taking off her shoes.
Bernice: Eric, where have you been hiding?
Eric: Well, I've been doing some homework
Bernice: Oh, that's important.
Eric: Yeah, you know, actually it's a really interesting...
Bernice: Eric, a little less talk and a little more rubbing.
She puts her feet on the table and Eric gets down on his knees.
Bernice: You're the only one who's not afraid of my bunion.
Eric: Oh! Oh dear!
Eric starts rubbing her feet and Grandma moans with delight. Fez comes into the room.
Fez: Goodbye Eric, I am going home now.
Eric leaps up and chases after him.
Eric: No, wait Fez, you haven't met Grandma!
Fez: Oh, Hello Grandma!
He stares at her feet.
Fez: Oh, in my village, we worship feet. And these dogs are a holy treasure.
Bernice: You wanna rub 'em
Fez, to Eric: May I?
Eric: Knock yourself out!
Eric leaves. Fez starts rubbing Grandma’s feet and she moans with delight. Fez is pleased.
FORMAN GARAGE
Red is sitting listening to the game on the radio.
Eric: Hey dad.
Red leaps up and starts hammering a paint can.
Red: Damn it Eric! Don't sneak up on a person like that when they're doing this.
Red hammers the can some more.
Red: How's it going in there
Eric: I rubbed her feet.
Red: Well, you're a brave one. Better get back in there.
Eric: Hey dad? You're coming back inside
Red: Eric, I love your grandmother very, very much. I just can"t talk to her or spend any time with her!
Eric: Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?
Red: You know son, sometimes, you've just gotta play through the pain.
Eric: What?
Red:I don’t know, just get back in there!
Eric: Right.
THE BASEMENT
Hyde is talking and Donna is listening, trying to write down what he's saying.
Hyde: With their sugar coated ideals designed to anesthetize the ignorant masses. Why? So that the military slash corporate branches can carry out world domination. Alright, read that back to me.
He sits. Donna clears her throat.
Donna: Okay. Woun woun woun woun, woun.
Hyde: You didn't get that?
Donna: Alright, let’s just use the encyclopedia.
Hyde: Oh, oh, you just wanna vomit up fact from an encyclopedia?
Donna: Yes.
Hyde: Okay, fine. You know what? Vomit away, I will not be a part of this!
Kitty comes down the stairs.
Kitty: Eric, are you down here
Donna: He's not in here Mrs. Forman.
Kitty: Donna, good. Why don't you come up and eat with us, I need all the help I can get.
Hyde gets up.
Kitty: Not you Steven. Grandma doesn't like you.
Kitty starts going up.
Donna: You lucky bastard
Hyde: Well, what am I supposed to eat?
Kitty: Um, you know, help yourself to the deep freeze.
She and Donna go upstairs.
Hyde: But everything's frozen! And I have a dryer!
THE DINNING ROOM
Red: Honey, these cheesy potatoes are delicious. Mmm!
Kitty: Thank you honey.
Donna: They really are great Mrs. Forman.
Eric: We have them whenever Grandma comes over, 'cause mom knows how much she loves them, right Grandma?
Bernice: They make me sick. I'm allergic to dairy.
Fez: Oh, how sad.
Red: Ma, this is Wisconsin, you're not allergic to dairy.
Kitty: Well maybe she's just allergic to my dairy.
Donna: If you're allergic to dairy, you shouldn't be putting cream in your coffee. I mean, cream is dairy...
Eric: Donna, I just, no, no! Ok?
Bernice: You shut up, Eric. Who the hell are you?
Eric: Grandma, that's Donna. You've known her for sixteen years.
Bernice: I have not. Anyway, I like your new friend better.
Fez: The feeling is mutual.
Red talks in between bites.
Red: Darn! I hears a noise in the garage! Raccoons! Bye!
Red gets up.
Kitty: Well, um, I couldn't eat another bite. I've had enough.
Kitty gets up.
Donna: I'm going back downstairs. Excuse me.
Donna gets up.
Eric: So, what say we watch Laurence Welk, uh, Grandma?
Bernice: No, I'm going to watch Laurence Welk with my new friend. You up for another foot rub, Desi?
Eric stares at her, shocked.
THE BASEMENT
Hyde is sitting on the dryer. It rings and he gets off.
Hyde: Oh! Fry time!
Eric and Donna come downstairs while Hyde opens the dryer and takes out the fries.
Hyde: Ooh! Hot! Hot!
Eric: What are you doing?
Hyde: Um, just working on your report here and having some fries.
Eric: You put French fries in my mother's dryer?
Hyde: Yeah well, the fish sticks are too flakey, so I... nah.
Jackie and Kelso come back in the basement. Kelso’s hair is ruffled and his shirt is inside out.
Donna: Finally! Where have you guys been?
Kelso: Um, we had to look for the paper, and eat and then some stuff happened, you know.
Eric: You shirt's inside out.
Kelso: Yeah, that's the stuff!
Donna: Where's the paper.?
Jackie: Right, ok, see, it wasn't on the three branches of the government, it was on the four food groups!
Donna: Ok, look. My dad's got the world books, I'll just run next door and get G.
Jackie: Ohh, I'll go with you.
Jackie runs out the door.
Donna: You can break up with her now.
Donna goes out.
Kelso: You know, I'm tired of everyone trying to tear me and Jackie apart!
Hyde: Moron! Everyday you say you're breaking up with her!
Kelso takes off his shirt to turn it inside out. He has a big purple hickey on his chest.
Kelso: Well, you guys don't know her like I do!
Kelso looks down and sees the hickey. He puts his hand over it to hide it.
Kelso: I mean, it's not just about fooling around! She buys me stuff!
Hyde: She hovered your chest man!
Eric: You know what? I don't care anymore. All I wanted was a little help with my paper and you've done nothing.
Hyde: We put your middle name in.
Eric leans over to see it.
Eric: Jean-Claude??
Hyde: Yeah, that's two words.
Eric: You guys suck. Just thank God for Donna.
Jackie and Donna come back in.
Donna: Ok, bad news. My mom sold some at a garage sale, but we have B, X, and R.
Kitty comes downstairs.
Kitty:Alright, alright, now you listen up. I have had an extremely stressful day. And I am not proud of what I'm about to say, but someone give me a cigarette. Now!
Eric: But mom, we don't smoke...
Kitty: Cut the crap, Eric! I am a nurse. I know that one in five teenagers smoke. One, two, three, four, five! Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them there had better be a cigarette between these two fingers! Come on people, hop to!
One hand puts a cigarette between her fingers.
Kitty: Thank you! Light!
Five lighters offer her light.
Red: Kitty, kitty, kitty.
Kitty gives Eric the cigarette and he puts it in the freezer.
Kitty: Well, there you are Red!
Red: Ma said the cat bit her, so I'm down here looking for it.
Eric: Dad, we don't have a cat.
Red: That's what I thought
Red sits down to the game and everyone is still.
Kitty: Well, you know we really, we shouldn't leave your poor little foreign friend up there alone with Grandma.
Kitty sits down.
Kitty: Really, it's, it's kinda nice down here.
Hyde sits down and offers her the fry bag. Kitty takes one.
THE FORMAN DRIVEWAY
Red, Kitty and Eric are ushering Bernice to the car.
Bernice: Oh, thank you for a wonderful dinner.
Kitty: Well, you are so very welcome.
Bernice: Well, now, I hope I wasn't any bother.
Red: No, Ma, you're no bother. You're as welcome as flowers in May.
Eric looks shocked.
Kitty: Oh, here Bernice, I wrapped up some chicken for you to take home.
Bernice: Oh, thank you dear. And I hope you put some of those cheesy potatoes in there. You know how much I love them.
Eric: What? I thought you made such a big deal about how you were allergic to..
Red: Eric! It's been a perfectly nice Sunday. Let's not spoil it.
Red and Bernice get in the car.
Bernice: Sweetheart, I hope I didn't make too big a deal about my allergies.
Red: Oh, no Ma. He's a kid! He, uh, overreacts.
Bernice: You know, this is the cutest little car! I just love it!
THE BASEMENT
Eric is working on his paper. Kitty comes downstairs.
Eric: Eight hundred twenty-five, Eight hundred twenty-six...
Kitty: Eric, what are you doing? It's one o'clock in the morning.
Eric: I'm just finishing up some homework. What are you doing down here?
Kitty: Oh, well, Snow White came down to gun a stick.
Kitty pulls out a cigarette and lights it.
Eric: Look mom, I wish you wouldn't smoke.
Kitty: I know, I know, this is my last one, I promise. By the way, thanks for your help with your Grandma today.
Eric: Can I ask you a question?
Kitty: Mmm-hmm.
Eric: What does she have against you, mom.
Kitty:Well, about twenty-five years ago your father was dating this very attractive well-to-do woman that your grandma liked, and he married me instead. And she never forgave me.
Eric: That bitch!
Kitty starts laughing. Eric joins her.
THE TAG
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Grandma and Fez are watching Laurence Welk.
Fez: Now, who is the lady with cotton-candy dress
Bernice: That's Norma Zimmer, the Champagne Lady!
Fez: She’s very talented.
Bernice: And see those two dancing? That's Bobby and Cecile. I like his tight pants. Oh, she's a slut.
Fez: You know, I have seen this show before but the band leader was much more masculine.
Fez says something in Spanish and Grandma looks at him.
Fez: Oh, bubbles!
THE END
