(The camera pans down the starlit sky, and suddenly the bottom of the Vista Cruiser comes into view. The car "flies" over the camera.)
Fez: I am so excited about Star Whores.
Hyde: Fezzy, man, Star Wars.
Fez: Screw that.
Hyde: Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs I'm gonna be super pissed.
Eric: I dunno, guys. I hear it's okay.
Kelso: Well, there's no way it's better than the planet of the apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.
** ** **
(At the theater. The camera pans past the guy's faces. Hyde sits smugly, clearly trying to be unimpressed. Eric looks fascinated and awed. Fez is laughing. There's a flash of light, and Kelso stares, stunned.)
Kelso: Whoa.
** ** **
(Eric, Kitty, and Laurie are sitting at the table in the Forman's kitchen, eating.)
Eric: And then, they go into this bar, and there are all these space creatures, and then, someone makes the mistake of picking on Obi Wan Kenobi, and then, he takes out his light saber, and goes WOOSH and he chops this guard's arm right off! Cause it's a saber that's made out of light.
Kitty: Well, you know, this, this doesn't sound like a nice movie. Now. "The Way We Were." That's a nice movie!
(She gets up.)
Laurie: So Eric, you gonna get yourself some Star Wars pajamas, now?
(Red walks in the house.)
Red: Kitty! I'm going back to work. Full time!
Kitty: Oh, my god, you're kidding!
Red: Nope. I ran into Ron Millbank at the K-mart, and he's moved back to reopen the plant.
Kitty: Oh! Oh, this is a godsend! (They hug) Oh! And to think how close we came to losing the house!
Eric: Losing the-mom, you said we were fine!
Kitty: Oh, Eric, honey, I lied! (To Red) Oh, honey, this is the best news!
Red: Well, I'm, I'm so glad that you're happy.
Laurie: (Stands up and goes over to Red.) Hey, way to go, daddy!
(She hugs him, and Red is holding Kitty with one arm and Laurie with the other.)
Red: Ah, my job, and my little girl!
Eric: Ok, so I'm here too, dad.
Red: Oh, and uh, speaking of you, I told Millbank's son David to come by and see you.
Eric: David Millbank? Dad, I hated that guy.
Red: Yeah, well, I hate his dad! But, I smile like hell whenever I see him! And you'll do the same. Got it?
Eric: (Smiles) Got it!
(Kitty just laughs with relief.)
** ** **
(The gang is in Eric's basement. Donna and Eric are on the couch talking, Jackie is sitting on the back of the couch, and Fez and Kelso are looking at something behind them.)
Donna: David Millbank? Oh, barf. Eric, remember when you beat him up on the playground?
Eric: Yep. I kicked his ass.
Jackie: Wait, wasn't he the kid with scoliosis and asthma?
Eric: Yep. And I kicked his ass!
Kelso: So! Jackie. You wanna go see Star Wars tonight?
Jackie: God, Michael, I told you. I don't like space.
Kelso: Jackie, if we're gonna start our relationship over, you gotta meet me halfway, honey!
Jackie: Well, maybe I wanna do something else tonight.
Kelso: Like what? (He stares at her until realization sinks in.) God, Jackie! We can do that for the rest of our lives! Star Wars is a limited engagement!
Jackie: Fine! Fine, but I want the big popcorn. (They leave.)
Fez: Ah, they have finally left. Now it's just the three of us.
Eric: That's great, Fez.
Fez: Oh, I get it. If I was gone you two would kiss. Ah, life's a bitch, huh?
Kitty: (From upstairs) Eric, David's here!
Fez: The scoliosis asthma freak is here? I cannot wait to see this!
(David comes down the stairs. Everyone stands up to greet him.)
David: Hey, guys! I'm back!
Eric: Yeah, hey! (He shakes David's hand.)
Donna: Wow, David, you've really grown up!
David: Hey, look at you. You have really grown up!
Eric: Yes, in fact we've all grown up.
Fez: Yes, but him much more than you have.
Eric: So! David, hey! (He grabs Donna and puts his arm around her.) Tell us about you! We're dating.
Donna: What was that?
Eric: What? I'm just, sorry! Making conversation, here!
(They all sit.)
David: So! Uh, Donna, are you still writing short stories?
Donna: Yeah! I still write a little.
Eric: Well, not every-(he turns to her) You, um, you still write?
David: I mean, I'd love to read your stuff.
Donna: Yeah?
Eric: Well enough about us, tell us about you! David, you still got that big old curve in your spine?
(They laugh)
Fez: Can I see it?
** ** **
(The Forman's kitchen. Kelso is digging around in their refrigerator, and Laurie comes over.)
Laurie: Hey, Kelso!
(Kelso jumps, hits his head on a refrigerator shelf, and stands up straight.)
Kelso: Laurie.
Laurie: I'm bored.
Kelso: If you're bored, you should go see Star Wars.
Laurie: No, I was thinking of doing something else, and…
Kelso: Laurie? What's going on? You're acting like you're liking me, and, and that's weird.
Laurie: Like I told you, Kelso, I'm bored.
Kelso: Heh. Well that's very flattering. But, uh, you know, Jackie and I are back together.
Laurie: Oh. I understand. Do you wanna see my appendix scar?
(She pulls up her shirt exposing her stomach.)
Kelso: Once again…(He looks at it) What's her name and I are back together!
** ** **
(David is at Donna's house, sitting at the table in the kitchen and reading a story.)
Donna: Well, it's not my best story, but it's…
David: Wow! I love it. Do you have any more?
Donna: Yeah! Oh my god, yeah, I totally have more! I just have to- (She turns and knocks a glass of soda on David.) Oh my god! Oh my god, I am so, so sorry! I'm so sorry.
David: Yeah, that's ok.
(Eric peeks through the blinds on the door, then barges in.)
Eric: Hey, what the hell's going on here?
Donna: I spilled soda on him.
Eric: Oh!
David: I should leave. I'll see you later.
Donna: Ok.
David: Hey, Donna, great writing. (He leaves)
Donna: What is it with you?
Eric: Me? Donna, he's hitting on you!
Donna: He is not! We're just friends! He talks to me, listens to me, shares ideas with me!
Eric: Oh my god, Donna, you are so naïve.
Donna: Eric, just cause a guy pays attention to me, does not mean he wants to get me naked!
Eric: Oh, grow up!
Donna: Is that why you pay attention to me?
Eric: Of course!
(Donna glares at him. It dawns on him that he has just shoved his foot about three feet down his throat.)
Eric: Not, of course not! I love your mind. That's the thing I love.
** ** **
(Eric's basement. Eric, Kelso, Hyde, and Fez are getting high. Eric lights some incense.)
Eric: So Donna says David and her are just good friends. And if I don't believe that, um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her.
Fez: Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together.
Hyde: See, this is why your country lost the war.
Fez: My country never fought a war.
Hyde: Yeah, big surprise. You know, Forman, I'm a romantic. So I say you choke him 'til his eyes pop out!
Kelso: Yeah. Hittin' people's cool.
Eric: I dunno. If I hit this guy, Donna's just gonna be pissed.
Kelso: No, man. Chicks dig that stuff! I mean, Leia, right, she acted like she was mad at Han. But I could tell she liked him.
Hyde: Kelso, man, what are you, an idiot? Leia likes Luke, I mean she kissed him on that bridge!
Kelso: Uh! Just for luck!
(Eric stares at them for a few seconds.)
Eric: Guys, I have a real problem, here!
Fez: Oh, I got it. Maybe you should let David have Donna, because I mean they look so nice together. (Eric hits Fez.) Ai.
(Hyde laughs and hits his fist in his hand.)
** ** **
(The camera shows Eric asleep on the couch. In his head, he is dreaming that he hears Red talking.)
Red: Now remember. A Jedi is his own master…his own master…his own master…
(The camera cuts to a dream sequence in which Red is dressed like Obi Wan Kenobi. Eric is Luke Skywalker, and he is holding a light saber which he is beating on trying to get it to work.)
Red as Obi: A Jedi's power lies within his own mi- are you even listening to me?
Eric as Luke: What? Yes. Um, you were saying, may the force be with me?
Red as Obi: No, I did not. Jedi knight. Jedi dumbass!
(Hyde runs in as Han Solo along with Chewbacca.)
Hyde as Han: Luke, man! I don't mean to bum you out, but I just saw Princess Leia cruising around with Darth Vader and his Tie Fighter. Right Chewy?
Chewbacca: Unnnnn!
(Chewbacca takes off his mask and we see that it's Kelso.)
Kelso as Chewy: Man, this totally sucks. I should be Han.
Hyde as Han: Hey, quit whining! (He hits Kelso/Chewy.)
Kelso as Chewy: Unn!
(The doorbell rings. Kitty walks onto the scene, vacuuming with R2D2.)
Kitty: Will somebody answer that?
(The doorbell rings again.)
Kitty: You know what? Why don't I just get it myself? Ha ha ha ha! (She turns off the R2D2 vacuum and walks over to the door. She pushes a button and it slides open revealing Darth Vader and two storm troopers.) Honey, it's Darth Vader.
Eric as Luke: Thanks, mom!
(The storm troopers take off their helmets and we see that they are Jackie and Fez.)
Jackie as a storm trooper: Oh my god, you guys just gotta come over to the dark side.
Fez as a storm trooper: They have free food!
Eric as Luke: (Holds up his broken light saber) Alright. What have you done with Princess Leia?
(Donna walks in dressed up as Princess Leia, goes over to Darth Vader and links arms with him.)
Donna as Leia: Hey guys!
Eric as Luke: Leia, what are you doing with Darth Vader?
Donna as Leia: Oh, we're um, just friends, Luke. He's nice, I think you'd really like him.
Eric as Luke: No, I wouldn't.
Darth Vader: Give me a chance, Luke. (He raises his hand and Eric/Luke begins to choke.)
Eric as Luke: Look! Hello, he's choking me with his mind, here. That's, like, yeah. Evil.
(Everybody starts laughing at him. The camera cuts back to Eric on the couch, and he wakes up with a start.)
** ** **
(Jackie and Donna are sitting in Donna's kitchen talking.)
Jackie: When Michael and I were apart, he realized how much he missed me. I'm telling you, Donna, breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did.
Donna: I thought you said that getting a pedicure was the best thing you ever did.
Jackie: That was last week, Donna.
Donna: I don't know, I don't know. I don't know what to do about Eric. He's acting like this possessive macho jerk.
Jackie: Oh, I am so happy for you Donna!
Donna: No, Jackie, I'm with him because I thought he wasn't like that!
(Midge walks into the kitchen.)
Jackie: Mrs. Pinsciotti, can you please tell Donna I'm right? Isn't it cool when men act like they own you?
Midge: Oh, yeah!
Donna: Mom, what about all those feminist classes you took?
Midge: Oh, right. No.
** ** **
(Eric walks outside into his backyard. Bob and Red are clipping hedges.)
Eric: Hey, Mr. Pinsciotti. Hey, Dad.
Bob: Hey there, Eric.
Eric: Hey, dad, um, I was wondering if you'd show me like, a few fighting moves.
Red: Who are you planning to fight?
Eric: David Millbank.
Bob: David Millbank? He's got scoliosis and asthma. You could take him.
Red: Come on, now Eric. Why don't you, uh, beat up Kelso. I don't work for his dad.
Eric: He's making a move on Donna.
Bob: Oh, no no no. Donna's not going near that pretzel boy. No no. You gotta nip this in the bud, Eric.
Red: Alright, alright. The bridge of the nose is very vulnerable.
Bob: Oh, oh! And hit him with a banjo.
Red: A banjo, Bob?
Bob: What, I'm helping.
Red: Where is he gonna get a banjo?
Bob: I don't know! But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once. And he went down.
Red: Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. You wanna knee him in the groin.
Bob: You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.
** ** **
(Kelso and Jackie are sitting in Eric's basement talking. Laurie is behind them, doing laundry and listening.)
Jackie: So. What do you wanna do tonight? Oh, and if you say see Star Wars again, I'm leaving.
Kelso: (In a spaced out voice, waving a finger at Jackie.) You don't want to leave. You want to see Star Wars.
Jackie: (Stares at Kelso's hand for a while, then she starts smacking him.) Stop it! I have had it with you! You are weird, and I'm going home.
(She gets up and leaves.)
Kelso: (Stands) Jackie!
Laurie: Oh, boy. That's terrible the way she treats you.
Kelso: Right!
Laurie: You know, I saw Star Wars and, I'm not a movie expert but I think it's safe to say it was the greatest film of all time.
Kelso: Finally! Someone who understands.
Laurie: Yeah. You know, Kelso, I always thought you were kinda dumb.
Kelso: Uh-huh.
Laurie: But I don't care. (She kisses him.)
Kelso: You know, I don't either.
(He leaps at her, and they make out.)
** ** **
(Kitty and Red are sitting on the living room couch.)
Kitty: Where's Eric?
Red: Uh, I don't know. (He smiles and continues watching TV.)
Kitty: I think you do know, Red.
Red: (He turns off the TV.) Alright, Kitty. Some kid's been hitting on Donna, so he went to fight him, but it's no big deal!
Kitty: No big deal, you men are such Neanderthals. Fighting over a woman it's ridiculous. It's like that time at that beach when that lifeguard pinched my fanny, you just had to lay him out, didn't you.
Red: Well, yeah!
Kitty: Well, how do you think I felt, Red? Watching you stand over that poor man, your, your eyes burning with intensity, your, your sun-tanned muscles gleaming, like a, like a bronze god.
(They sit thinking for a while, then they jump up and run up the stairs.)
** ** **
(Donna and David are sitting on a swingset talking. Eric comes up to them.)
Eric: Ok, you and me, right now!
Donna: Eric, what are you doing?
Eric: This isn't about you, Donna. (He shoves David.)
Donna: Eric, stop it! (She pushes him away from David.)
Eric: Yeah, that's right, hold me back.
Donna: Stop it! Eric. For the last time. David has no interest in me whatsoever!
David: Yeah, I do.
Donna: What?
David: Why do you think we've been spending so much time together?
Donna: Cause we're friends?
David: Oh, come on, Donna! I mean, I've talked to you, I've listened to you, I've shared ideas with you! What's that about?
Eric: I had the exact same problem with…(He points to Donna behind her back.)…yeah.
(Donna whirls around.)
Donna: What?
David: I don't know what it takes with women. I mean, you put in all this time and effort and they…
David and Eric: …wanna be just friends!
Eric: I know! I hate that! Man, and to think I was gonna kick your ass!
David: Hey, you had every reason.
Eric: Did you hear that, Donna? "Every reason."
Donna: You know what, Eric? You don't trust me, and you don't respect me.
(She leaves.)
Eric: No. No, Donna, I was just trying…
Donna: Get away from me!
(Eric stands helpless and watches her go.)
David: Well! It wouldn't have worked out with her and me anyway. I mean, I'm not supposed to say anything, but we're just here until my dad closes down the plant.
Eric: Wait, close…your dad was opening the plant full time.
David: Yeah, well, they're burning off the inventory and then, that's all she wrote.
Eric: My dad's depending on that job.
David: Yeah, well I guess he should've thought ahead. Like my dad.
(He turns to leave. Eric taps him on the shoulder.)
Eric: Hey.
(David turns around and Eric punches him as hard as he can in the face. David falls down.)
David: You bastard! You broke my nose!
Eric: That's…good!
(David stands up, his breathing sounding unusually like Darth Vader's.)
David: You'll pay for this, Forman! Before I leave, Donna will be mine!
(He leaves.)
** ** **
(Eric walks into the kitchen. His dad is standing there.)
Eric: Hey, dad. Hey, dad, can I talk to you?
Red: Absolutely!
(Kitty walks into the kitchen, all dressed up.)
Kitty: Eric? I am very, very disappointed in you for fighting.
Eric: I'm sorry.
Kitty: It's ok. (She walks by Red and pats his backside.) See you in the car.
(She goes outside.)
Eric: Where are you guys going?
Red: Oh, taking your mother out for dinner and a movie. A little celebration. You know, son, sometimes life gives you a good bounce. So, what'd you wanna talk about?
Eric: Um, have a good time.
Red: Oh, yeah! (He walks by Eric and throws him a fake punch, Eric laughs, and then Red leaves. Eric walks into the living room. Laurie is sitting on the couch reading a magazine.)
Laurie: Hey, little brother! I made out with Kelso.
Eric: Shut up!
Laurie: What is wrong with you?
Eric: Everything's wrong. Donna's mad at me, and the plant's closing. Dad's out of a job.
Laurie: Oh, wow. Guess this is a bad time to tell him I flunked outta college.
Eric: You know what, Laurie? I cannot believe that you're the favorite.
Laurie: Yeah. Doesn't it kick ass?
End
