(The Forman’s kitchen. Laurie, Hyde, and Eric are eating breakfast. Kitty comes to sit and eat.)
Kitty: Eric? You’ve hardly touched your breakfast.
Eric: That’s because I don’t know what it is.
Kitty: Well, it’s just, it’s eggs and hash and some…surprises!
Eric: Mom, why aren’t you eating it?
Kitty: Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.
Hyde: Is this rabbit?
Kitty: No!
Laurie: Mom, if daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?
Kitty: Laurie, it is not dog food. And god, I hope so.
(Red walks in dressed in a nice suit and tie.)
Red: So. (They all turn to look at him.) Would you hire me?
Laurie: I’d hire you, daddy! Especially if the position was world’s best father!
(Red smiles at her and goes to sit down.)
Eric: Oh, you make me sick!
Hyde: Is it horse?
Kitty: No, it is not horse! (She directs her attention to Red.) Honey? Now, I know, I know you’ve been just a little bit blue since the plant closed, so, I got you a present! (She stands up and gets a book from the shelf behind Red. She holds it in front of him.) Ta-da!
Red: (Reading from the book.) “You’re Hired. The essential guide for job hunting.” Kitty! I don’t need that! I’ve been working since I was sixteen. I fought in two wars! Hell, I killed people! I-I’m not saying that I didn’t enjoy it.
Kitty: No, no, no, no. I just, you know, I just, thought I’d give you a little edge.
Red: I don’t need an edge. I’m Red Forman. I’m experienced! Loyal! Hardworking!
Laurie: That’s the trifecta of employability!
(Eric gets a pained look on his face.)
Red: Well, thanks, sweetie!
(Red stands up, kisses Laurie’s head, and goes out the door.)
Kitty: Good luck, honey.
Laurie: Bye, daddy.
Hyde: Oh, I got it, it’s tongue!
(Kitty gawks at him in disbelief.)
Hyde: (Whispering to Eric.) It’s tongue!
(He takes a bite.)
(“That 70’s Show” Theme song plays.)
** ** **
(Eric’s basement. The gang is playing Monopoly. Hyde is in his chair. Eric, Kelso, and Jackie are sitting on the couch. Fez is sitting in the other chair, dressed in only his underwear. Donna bursts in the door.)
Donna: All right, it’s official! My parents are freaks! Which one of you’s my boyfriend again? (Eric raises his hand.) Right. It’s you. (She walks over to him.) You’re taking me outta this stinking town, tonight!
Hyde: Wait, wait, wait, Donna, don’t you wanna know why Fez is in his undies?
(Fez smiles.)
Donna: No.
Fez: It is a really crazy story.
Donna: Oh! Oh, you know what? I’ll tell you a crazy story! It all started, like, four minutes ago. I’m walking through…
(Donna’s voice fades as the camera fades into a flashback of four minutes ago at Donna’s house. Donna’s parents are sitting on the floor in exercise clothes.)
Bob and Midge: Ohmmmm!
(Donna walks in.)
Donna: Oh, good god. What are you guys doing, now?
Midge: Yoga. I’m trying to align your father’s shockers.
Bob: I didn’t even know the damn things were out of whack!
Donna: Why can’t you guys be normal?
Midge: Donna, your negativity is bruising our auras! Please leave.
Donna: Gladly!
Bob: Oh, and honey, we’re also exploring tantric sex, so if you hear any strange noises coming from mommy and daddy’s bedroom—
Donna: Eeeew! Why must you guys freak me out on a daily basis? I don’t wanna picture you naked. And I’m leaving now. Forever.
(Donna walks out of the room. Bob and Midge just shrug and get back to what they were doing before.)
Bob and Midge: Ohmmm!
(The flashback ends and the camera cuts back to the basement.)
Eric: Ouch. Ok, Donna. I think we need to take you out for some dirty bad fun.
Donna: Thank you, Eric!
Fez: Oh, you want dirty bad fun? Listen to this. I came here fully clothed…
Kelso: Oh! No, no. I know! There, there’s this new club that opened in Chicago. It’s supposed to be like, like, the hottest spot this side of Studio 54.
Donna: My god, you guys, that’s perfect!
Jackie: No, no, no, Michael, we can’t go. My parents are gonna be out late tonight, and…we have to study.
(She stares at him, hoping he’ll get the hint.)
Kelso: Study? No, what a gyp! I’m going to the club.
Jackie: No! No, no, Michael, you’re coming over to my house tonight. And we’re gonna…(She looks around, trying not to be too obvious about what she’s suggesting.) “study”.
Kelso: (Throwing down his Monopoly money.) Fine! God. I never get to do anything fun.
Hyde: God, you’re dumb.
Kelso: I guess that’s why I gotta go study.
** ** **
(Red is about to enter the waiting room for the job interview. He goes over his pitch in his head.)
Red: (thinking) Hi. Red Forman. Experienced, loyal, hardworking. Yeah.
(He opens the door to see his coworkers from the plant.)
Everyone: Hey!
Red: It’s all you guys…from the plant, huh? So! We’re all going after the same job. Well! That’s uh…that’s terrific!
(he sits down next to someone.)
Person: Well, I wish I had your confidence, Red. I got nothing.
Red: Hm.
Person: All I could think to do was tell this guy I’m experienced, loyal, and hardworking.
Red: (Thinking) Son of a bitch.
** ** **
(Jackie’s room. Kelso walks in carrying his books.)
Kelso: So I brought my books.
Jackie: Michael, we’re not gonna study.
Kelso: We’re not?
Jackie: No. (She takes his books from him.) My parents are gonna be gone for hours.
Kelso: (Finally understanding.) So…what do you wanna do?
(He leans over and kisses her. They fall back on the bed, and the camera moves to the clock. We see it change from 6:48 to 6:49 to 6:50. The camera moves back to the bed, and Jackie is lying there fully clothed reading a magazine. Kelso is pulling on his shirt. He leans over her and sees what she’s reading.)
Kelso: Oh! Check it out. Bowie. Man, he’s cool.
Jackie: Yeah. Androgynous guys are so manly! (She stares at Michael, then gets an idea.) Michael? Do you know who would look totally, totally sexy glammed up like Bowie?
Kelso: Who?
Jackie: You, Michael!
Kelso: You’re crazy! (She just smiles at him.) No, I’m not glam!
Jackie: No, no, come on, Michael! You have such pretty eyes!
Kelso: Oh, my lashes do go out like, a mile.
Jackie: Yeah, yeah, yeah! And with this, (She grabs an eyelash curler) I can flip ‘em up!
Kelso: No way!
Jackie: Yeah, yeah!
(Michael leans over to get his eyelashes curled.)
** ** **
(Eric’s living room. Eric comes down the stairs dressed up for a night of dancing fun. The song playing is “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees. He shoots the camera a look and struts out to the center of the room. He spins around and pulls out a comb to fix his hair. Donna calls to him.)
Donna: Eric, you here?
Eric: Yeah, I’m in the living room, baby.
(He puts the comb away. Donna walks in the room. The song switches to “Brick House” by the Commodores. Donna’s dressed in a red dress that Eric obviously thinks is hot, because he can only stare.)
Donna: What are you staring at?
Eric: You’re really…brick house.
Donna: Thanks! You wanna…
Eric: Shhh! Lemme just…stare at you for a second.
Donna: Can we just—
Eric: (Interrupting her) Ah! (He stares for a second.) Ok, I’m good.
** ** **
(Jackie’s bedroom. She’s making up Michael’s eyes.)
Kelso: This is stupid.
Jackie: Shut up, Michael! I’m almost done.
Kelso: I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.
Jackie: Ok. Here. Take a look.
(She holds up the mirror for him to see.)
Kelso: Ok, yeah, my eyes are gorgeous.
Jackie: See! See, I told you! Michael, do you know what you need now? Some blush!
Kelso: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, Jackie. All right, glam is one thing, but I think we’re crossing over into weird.
Jackie: No, no, trust me, Michael, we’re not. With cheek bones like that? Blush is your best friend!
Kelso: Yeah, I do have bitchin’ cheek bones. Ok, let’s blush!
** ** **
(In front of the club. Donna, Hyde, Eric, and Fez walk up.)
Fez: People are so friendly around here! Two women on the corner just offered to have sex with me!
Hyde: Yeah, for money, Fez.
Fez: I could not ask them for money! (His eyes grow round) Or could I?
Eric: Wow, guys, check out this crowd!
Donna: I know! This is gonna be so great. Let’s go see how long the wait is. (She walks up to the bouncer.) ‘Scuse me, how long…
Bouncer: You’re in!
(He lifts up the rope to let her in.)
Donna: Oh, man, I’m so up with that!
(She heads in.)
Bouncer: (To Eric, Hyde, and Fez) Not you.
(Donna walks back to them.)
Donna: Well, that’s fine, I’ll just wait with you guys.
Eric: No, we’re next. Go in!
Donna: Yeah? All right, I’ll see you guys inside!
(She turns around and goes in the club.)
Eric: You know what? This is probably just some kind of fire code thing.
(The bouncer lets in three other guys.)
Eric: Yeah, ok, wait, what’s going on? We’re next!
Bouncer: No, you’re not.
Eric: What are you talking about?
Bouncer: Well, Archie, I’m here to let the cool people in, and keep the geeks out.
Fez: Those poor stupid geeks! (Coming to realization.) Oh my god, we are geeks!
** ** **
(Later in the night. Eric is walking back to Hyde and Fez from the bouncer.)
Hyde: Hey! Did slipping the bouncer a ten work?
Eric: Yes, it did, Hyde. That’s why I’m inside the club.
(Donna walks out of the club.)
Donna: There you are! This place is awesome! Why aren’t you inside?
Eric: Oh, we were in. Uh, we were on the inside.
Donna: I didn’t see you.
Eric: Oh, yeah, we waved at you. But you were, uh…
Hyde: Dancing.
Eric: (Pointing to Hyde) Excellent! Uh, you were dancing. And then we went through this…
Fez: Door.
Eric: (Pointing to Fez) Yes! We went through this door. And, we were locked out, uh, and then we had to get in the back of the line! So…
Donna: All right, well, when you get back inside, find me!
Eric: Go! Yeah!
Hyde, Fez and Eric: Yeah, go, yeah!
Hyde: We’ll see you on the inside!
Donna: Ok.
(She goes back inside the club.)
Bouncer: That was really smooth.
Hyde: Smooth enough to get us in?
Bouncer: No.
Fez: Okay, that's it! You must let me in!
Bouncer: Why?
Fez: Because I feel the hot rhythm of disco burning in my loins. Watch.
(Fez dances a short bit of disco. The bouncer is obviously impressed, as is everyone else. He is applauded.)
Bouncer: Ok, you’re in.
(He lifts the rope to let in Fez.)
Fez: So long, losers!
** ** **
(Jackie’s room. Jackie is doing Kelso’s hair. Kelso is completely made up and looking in the mirror.)
Kelso: You’re saying that, that this stuff won’t come off? Like, even if I cry? Man, that’s great!
Jackie: (Hugging him) Oh, Michael, you’re the best doll I have ever had! (She hops off the bed.) You know what? I have the perfect gown for you.
Kelso: All right, Jackie, slow down. Ok, wearing lipstick is one thing, but a gown? That’s kinda fruity.
Jackie: No, no it’s not, Michael! Bowie wears dresses! Joe Nemeth wears panty hose!
Kelso: Jackie, no!
Jackie: I’ll be right back.
(She runs out the door.)
Kelso: (Calling after her) Jackie, I said no! All right. Nothing too girlie, and I mean it!
(He puts on some more lipstick.)
** ** **
(The club. Eric and Hyde are being dragged by the bouncer from the door.)
Eric: Well, so much for your he-can’t-stop-both-of-us theory.
Hyde: This bites, man. He can’t keep us outta there. I mean, what, did we wake up in Russia this morning?
Eric: No. We did not, in fact, wake up in Russia this morning.
Hyde: I didn’t think so. (He walks up to the bouncer and Eric follows.) Hey, lemme tell you something, pal! You’re propping up a dying system, man! ‘Cause, see, someday soon, people are gonna wake up, and they’re gonna realize that most of us don’t fit into your Hollywood, Madison Avenue, candy coated ideal of what’s cool. And when we do, we’re gonna rise up! We’re gonna put you on a trial! Then prance through the street with your head on a stick!
Bouncer: Righteous political outrage. You’re in.
(He lifts the rope and lets Hyde in.)
Hyde: All right! I’ll see you later, Forman.
(He goes in.)
Eric: Yeah, well…when the revolution comes, man…you’re back’s gonna be up against the wall…damn it! Let me in! My girlfriend’s in there!
Bouncer: The foxy redhead? (Eric nods) Thought that was your sister! What does she see in you?
Eric: You know what she sees? Buddy, you know what she sees? (He stops to think.) Well, let me tell you something, if she was the bouncer, I’d be in that stupid club right now, you big ass! Yeah! I said it.
** ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen. Red is at the table, drinking. Kitty walks in.)
Kitty: Hi honey. (Red doesn’t respond.) Uh-oh!
Red: I didn’t get the job.
Kitty: (Sits down next to him) Ok, well, you will get them next time.
Red: Ah, Kitty. The world’s changing. Things aren’t turning out the way I expected.
Kitty: Well, Red, what did you expect?
Red: Well, I don’t know…
(The camera waves as Red begins to imagine his life as an old black and white documentary film. A bomb goes off as a generic narrator speaks.)
Narrator: Take that, Hirohito! And that! Yes, with America’s victory overseas now complete, (the words “Red Forman Presents: My American Dream” appear on the screen.) our fighting boys return home, where the American working man takes his rightful place on the throne.
(The narrator speaks for every member of the family in the same, over exaggerated narrator voice.)
Narrator as Kitty: Hi honey! How was your day?
Narrator as Red: They gave me another raise.
(He pulls out two money bags.)
Narrator as Kitty: Oh, honey. With all the money you make, it’s no wonder I don’t have to work.
Narrator: Daughter Laurie has a question.
Narrator as Laurie: Daddy, why is the American economy the envy of the world?
Narrator as Red: Well,
Narrator: Says Dad.
Narrator as Red: It’s because the American worker is experienced, loyal, and hardworking.
(The words “Experienced”, “Loyal”, and “Hardworking” appear on screen. Just then Eric comes down the stairs dressed in a football uniform. He strikes a quick pose.)
Narrator: Looks like Junior has some good news.
Narrator as Eric: Say, dad. You can stop giving me money now. I just got a football scholarship to Notre Dame! I guess experience, loyalty, and hard work, really do pay off!
Narrator: Daughter Laurie has another question.
Narrator as Laurie: Daddy, can you tell me why Germany and Japan’s economies never recovered?
Narrator as Red: It’s simple. They are not experienced. They are not hard working. They are not loyal. And they do not speak English.
Narrator: Speaking of work, mom has to go grocery shopping.
Narrator as Kitty: Can I have the keys to the Cadillac?
Narrator as Red: Ha ha! Forget the Cadillac! Take the hovercraft!
Narrator as Kitty: Red? The hovercraft?
(The dream-film ends here with the movie seeming to melt up. We’re back in the kitchen with Red and Kitty.)
Kitty: Hovercraft?
Red: What? They promised us hovercrafts. Just another damn broken promise.
** ** **
(The club. Eric is carrying a cup of coffee to the bouncer.)
Eric: Ok! Cream, two sugars! (He hands the cup to the bouncer.) Well, you just drink up, and I’ll just…I don’t know, head inside.
Bouncer: (He starts to lift the rope.) Yeah. (He stops.) No.
Eric: Oh, come on! You suck! Mr. Big-shot bouncer! Mr. I-open-and-close-the-rope. Mr. Boat on the River Styx! Just, god! I bet you’ve never been excluded from anything in your whole life!
Bouncer: Hey! That’s not fair, I’ve been excluded from lots of things.
Eric: Yeah, like what?
(The bouncer thinks. After a few seconds of nothing, Eric rolls his eyes.)
Bouncer: Oh no, ok, uh, when I was in kindergarten, we used to play Duck, Duck, Goose, and nobody ever picked me to be the goose.
Eric: (Sarcastically) Oh, wow, that must’ve really hurt.
Bouncer: I didn’t care.
Eric: You didn’t care. Uh-huh. So you’re just sitting there, watching this kid go around the circle, duck, duck, duck, he’d get closer and closer, duck, you’d be shaking with anticipation, duck, maybe he’ll pick me, duck, maybe I’ll get to run and laugh with the joy of being a goose, and then he’d come to you, place his hand on your head and say duck and you’re telling me you didn’t care?
Bouncer: Uh, yeah, it hurts.
Eric: Yes! It-thank you! That’s what I’m saying! And now you…have made me…the duck!
Bouncer: Wow…oh man, I didn’t realize…(He lifts up the rope.) Dance goose. Dance!
(Eric nods, and walks into the club.)
** ** **
(Jackie’s room. She and Kelso are dancing. By this time, Kelso is dressed up in a long green dress and totally made up.)
Jackie: Oh god, Michael, in that dress, you are way prettier than Bowie!
Kelso: Hell, I’m prettier than you!
(Jackie stops dancing and glares at him.)
Jackie: That’s not funny, Michael. (She pauses) Did you just hear a car pull up?
Kelso: Relax, Jackie. Your parents aren’t supposed to be home for like, another hour. Spin me.
(The camera cuts to a first person view from Jackie’s dad. He opens Jackie’s door. Jackie and Kelso are dancing. Jackie sees him and stops Kelso.)
Jackie: Hi, daddy.
(Kelso grabs a book off the table.)
Kelso: We’re studying!
(Jackie’s dad grabs Kelso by the throat and forces him onto the bed.)
Jackie: No, no, no, daddy, no, daddy, I love him!
** ** **
(Eric’s driveway. Donna and Eric are sitting on the car.)
Donna: Wow, what a night, right?
Eric: Oh, exactly! (He pauses.) Donna, why are you with me? Um, the bouncer wanted to know.
Donna: What’d you tell him?
Eric: You know, I couldn’t think of a reason.
Donna: Hm. You know, come to think of it, I can’t either! What I need to do is find a guy who’s like, totally different from you. Maybe big, and dumb, and…you know, not nice to me. Oh, and, no sense of humor so when I tell a joke he doesn’t get it. I mean, that’s a real turn on.
Eric: (Smiling) Ok, ok.
Donna: No! No, no, no, seriously! Thank you. I mean, if you hadn’t pointed this out to me I might’ve wasted years with you. I mean, I almost had sex with you! Whoo! Thank you!
Eric: Ok, I think the question has become why am I with you?
(She leans over and kisses him.)
Eric: Oh, right! Ok.
Donna: I had a great time. Goodnight.
(She goes home. Eric slides off the car. “Stayin’ Alive” starts playing again. Eric struts back into the house.)
END
