Teaser
(Eric and Donna are in the Vista Cruiser kissing)
Eric: I had a great time on our date tonight.
Donna: Yeah. When do you think Red's gonna give you back the keys to the Cruiser? You know. So we could actually... leave the property.
(The camera zooms out the Vista Cruiser is parked in the Forman's driveway)
Eric: I dunno, maybe never. In fact, your my only contact with the outside world now, Donna. Do.. people still laugh out there? I miss the laughter.
Donna: *laughs* Well, Eric, its your own stupid fault. I mean, before you opened your big mouth Red actually believed that smell was incense.
Eric: Well, yeah, I know, it's just... he was gonna kick Hyde out, and I wanted to help and... oh, helping never helps.
Donna: Alright, look, let's not waste time talking about this. How long 'til curfew?
Eric: Uh... about one minute. Now Donna, I'm not bragging, but if you're properly motivated, I can actually do it in that amount of time.
Donna: You don't have to tell me.
Eric: OK! So! Buckle up, Donna, 'cause the next ...(Looks at watch) twelve seconds are all about you, babe!
(They start to make out, but Red comes out and spoils at the fun)
Red: Five, four, three, two, one...
Eric: (trying to speak while Red counts) No, wait...but I... Damn.
Red: (Opens the car door) Curfew, hophead.
CREDITS
Act One
Scene One
(Forman's Kitchen. Kitty is at the stove preparing food. Laurie is sitting at the table, and Hyde is at the counter reading. Red and Eric enter)
Red: Jeez, I wish I had a quarter for every time I caught you making out with the neighbor girl!
Eric: I wish I had a quarter for every time you embarrassed me.
Red: I wish you did too. 'Cause then you'd be a millionaire and you could find someplace else to live.
Eric: What, and... (looks around the room) leave all this?
Kitty: (pushing a plate of brownies between them) Alright Fellas, who wants brownies and a nice glass of milk?
Red: Aw, jeeze. (Sits down at table)
Laurie: Daddy, I think it's great you gave Eric and Hyde a curfew. Theses boys, they need structure. (Stands up) Well, I'll see ya.
Kitty: Well, where do you think you're going?
Laurie:(caught off guard) Too... (thinks a bit) night church?
(Kitty walks away angrily)
Red: Sorry honey, curfew's for everyone.
Laurie: But Daddy! It's me!
Red: Look, what they did was bad. But you sneaking around with Kelso that's just... unpleasant.
Laurie: But Daddy, I'm not seeing Kelso.
Hyde: Untrue!
Eric: A damnable lie!
Laurie: A curfew? (walking to the door to the living room) I'm stuck in this house with you people all night? This sucks! (exits)
Kitty: Well, we're just thrilled about it!
Eric: (To Hyde) So, alright, there's an upside to all of this. I took her down with me.
Hyde: Nice job. (He and Eric exit)
Kitty: Well, isn't this a happy house?
Red: (smiles) Yeah.
Kitty: (walks over by Red) This is not a happy house!
Red: Well, you just said this was a happy house.
Kitty: Well that's not what I meant, it was sarcasm!
Red: Look Kitty, I'm not gonna let our kids go down the wrong path. But if you have a better idea, I'm all ears.
Kitty: (sits) Okay. Maybe you could be a little less strict and a little more loving.
Red: Okay Kitty, enough with the sarcasm.
Scene Two
(In the Forman's Basment. Hyde is sitting in his normal chair, Jackie sits at the far end of the couch nearest to Hyde, Donna next to her, Eric on the other side of Donna. Kelso is on the arm rest of the couch next to Eric. Red is sitting in a chair next to Kelso and Fez is on the floor. The are all watching T.V. The camera zooms into each of them and hear their thoughts.)
Hyde's thoughts: Stop looking at me! Stop looking at me! Stop looking at me!
(Pans to Jackie, she's staring at Hyde lustfully)
Jackie's thoughts: Please look at me! Hey Psst. I love you, Steven! I have secret love powers. Look at me.
(Pans over to Donna)
Donna's thoughts: Hm. I have twenty nine teeth. No, that can't be right. One, Two, three..
(Pans up to Fez)
Fez's thoughts: Jackie's in love with Hyde and I have nothing. Oh look, I found an M & M!
(Picks up something off the ground and begins to eat it) Oh no. (spits it out)
Eric's thoughts: My life sucks. (looks around) Okay, I really hope no one smelled that.
Kelso: All right! I'm the best looking person in this room. No, in this whole town. No! No, in this whole state. No!
(The camera pans to Red)
Red's thoughts: Dumbasses.
(Kitty enters with a box)
Kitty: So, how's it going?
Red: Real good. The foreign kid just ate something off the floor.
(Fez looks embarrassed)
Kitty: Okay, well, um, your father's gonna drive me to work.
Red: That's right. And if you do anything wrong, I'll know. Because one of you is a snitch. (The camera zooms out to the group) You just think about that while I'm gone.
(Kitty exits, Red goes to leave)
Fez: Ooh, a model airplane. And glue!
(Red turns around grabs the glue and exits)
Act three
Scene one
(In the Forman's basement. Kitty enters to find Fez the only one left)
Kitty: Where's Steven and Eric?
Fez: Umm…your hair is very pretty.
Kitty: Oh, they can't leave the house, they're grounded.
Fez: Oh, don't worry about them. They're at the Hub. (He realizes what he's said.) Oh no, I am a snitch.
Kitty: Oh, Red is gonna be furious!
Fez: Mrs. Forman? May I tell you a little story about oppression?
Kitty: okay. (sits down)
Fez: Once, I had an ant farm. And they would not build their tunnels. I was furious, so I became very strict and stern with my
ants. First they feared me and everything was fine. But eventually, the ants broke out and attacked me. So I had to kill them.
Kitty: So, um, you think we're being too hard on the kids.
Fez: Well, I don't know about that. I just wanted to let you know that I'm really sad because my ants are dead.
Kitty: (Stands) Okay. Well, Fez, thanks. (Kisses the top of his head) You're a good boy. (exits)
Fez: Oh, the ladies want a piece of Fez!
Scene Two
(The Forman's living room. Hyde, Eric and Laurie are sitting on the couch, Kitty enters with a cake and sees Red hanging up bells)
Kitty: What are you doing?
Red: Oh, just a little security measure. In case anybody tries to escape.
Kitty: Red, no, those are my Christmas bells, those are happy bells!
Red: Well, then they're doing their job. Because I'm happy. Let's have some cake. (sits in his chair reaches for cakes)
Kitty: Okay. And, let's watch some TV because that makes us all happy. (Looking at TV Guide.) Okay, here we go, The Brady Bunch Variety Hour's on.
Red: Oh, who the hell gave those people an entire hour?
Kitty: Well, I think this program is fun for the whole family. They've got, they've got Charo, and, and the rock band, Kiss.
(turns on tv and begins to watch it) Ok, see, now this is nice. A nice family who gets along, and sings, and dances.
Eric: Yeah, I love the Bradys. (Turns to Hyde) Oh, remember that episode where Mr. Brady went completely insane and put bells on all the doors?
Hyde: (laughs)
Red: Hey, did you see the one where Greg was a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Laurie: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here? (exits.)
Hyde: That one's my favorite.
Red: Well, I hope you're happy because now you've upset your sister.
Eric: (Points to himself, he can't believe Red said what he did) Oh, you know what? Forget it, dad. (going up the stairs.) Get your shots in now. Because when I'm gone, oh, I'm gonna be long gone!
(Red and Kitty turn to find Hyde still sitting on the couch twisting his hair)
Hyde: I got no place to go, so…I'm gonna stay here. But the tension's nice. Reminds me of home.
(Red glares at him. He exits)
Red: Finally. Now I can enjoy the show in peace. (stares at the tv for a minute) Aw, this show is crap. (exits)
(Kitty stares at the tv and begins to imagine her and her family in The Forman Bunch. They are all singing and dancing)
Kitty: (Singing) Feel funky, feel good.
Gonna tell you, I'm in the neighborhood.
Gonna fly like a bird on the wing,
hold onto your hat, now-
All: (Singing) Sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!
I got the music in me,
I got the music in me,
I got the music in me!
I got the music in me,
I got the music in me,
I got the music in me!
Yeah!
(Crowd goes wild and everyone exits but Kitty and Red)
Kitty: Thank you! Thank you! And welcome to the Forman Bunch Variety Hour! And boy, do we have a great show for you tonight.
(Eric and Hyde re-enter)
Eric: Sorry, mom. We can't stay for the show.
Crowd: No! No!
Kitty: Why not?
Eric: Well, living at home is unbearable, so we've decided to…run away. (stick thumb out along with hyde like a hitch hiker)
Red: Hey! (claps and exits)
Hyde: So thanks for everything, Mrs. F!
Kitty: Well, you boys can't run away! Who's gonna do the square dance with Shields and Yarnell?
Eric: Well, let Laurie do it. She's been making out with Shields all day!
(Laurie re-enters with white makeup all over her face)
Laurie: That's a lie! (wipes face)
Kitty: Well, when will I see you again?
(Shirley Jones enters)
Shirley Jones: Don't worry, Kitty, I'll take care of them.
Kitty: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, star of stage and screen, Shirley Jones!
Hyde and Eric: Hi, mom!
Kitty: Mom?
Shirley Jones: That's right, Kitty.
Eric: We're Partridges now.
Hyde: This is gonna be great. I'm pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey.
Kitty: No! Partridges? You can't live in a bus! There's no toilet.
Shirley Jones: Well, it may be inconvenient, Kitty, but we do get to spend a lot of time together.
Eric: That's right. Mrs. Partridge quit her job to form a family band.
Shirley Jones: Yep, it's all a matter of choices, Kitty. I guess you just chose to be a bad mother!
(Laurie comes up to them all)
Laurie: Hey, Shirley, can I come? I play the tambourine.
Shirley Jones: Oh, I'm sorry, Laurie. No whores on my show.
Laurie: Oh, fine. Hey, Shields, wait up! (She exits)
(Shirley Jones , Hyde, and Eric exit. Charo enters and goes over to Kitty.)
Charo: AAAAHHHHHH!! Cuchi, cuchi, cuchi! Waoh, waoh, wah!!!
Kitty: Can it, Charo.
(The daydream ends, and she dusts off her hands)
Kitty: Well, I am not gonna let that happen. (bites into the cake) Oh, no. This is crap. (She turns off the TV.)
Scene 3
(Eric is hanging off the side of the house. He's dressed in a black turtleneck and black jeans. He spins around and finds himself face to face with Red. The men enter in the kitchen.)
Kitty: Oh, no, honey!
Red: Yep, he thought he could sneak out.
Eric: So. What now, Ho Chi Minh?
Red: Well, I'll tell you one thing, play time is over. Your friends are no longer allowed in the house.
Eric: Wait, what?
Kitty: No, no, we'll talk about it in the morning.
Red: Fine, we'll talk about it in the morning. (Eric walks madly toward the door.) We'll talk about how your friends are no
longer allowed in the house! (Eric raises up his hands angrly and exits)
Kitty: You know, I have an interesting idea. Why don't we not punish him? Why don't we try a little of that forgiveness that Jesus was always talking about?
Red: No, no. This is for his own good. Look, in order for Eric to be a happy, well adjusted adult, he has to be miserable now. That's just good parenting. If I was to be Mr. Nice Guy now, do you know what would happen to Eric in a few years? Do you?
(Camera fades into Red's daydream. He and Kitty are sitting at the table.)
Red: Oh, Eric! Breakfast!
(Gene Simmons enters the kitchen in his Kiss get up and appears as Eric in Red's daydream.)
Kitty: Well, there's my sweet little baby boy.
(Gene/Eric smiles at Kitty.)
Red: Why, oh, why didn't I discipline you?
Gene Simmons/ Eric: Shut up and eat your Cornflakes. (Sticks his long tongue out and the camera pans to Red.)
(Daydream ends)
Red: That's what. Never surrender, Kitty. Never retreat. We're winning! The fact that Eric was desperate enough to climb out his window, shows that everything is working.
Act Four
Scene 1
(Eric enters his room to find Donna on his bed.)
Donna: Surprise!
Eric: This is so great! I didn't know you delivered.
(They start to make out but break apart because of the knock on the door.)
Red: Bed check, dumbass.
Eric: Holy crap! (Donna and Eric slide of the bed. Donna looks for a place to hide as Kitty and Red enter and she jumps behind the door as they do. Eric tries to appear like nothing happened.)
Kitty: No, it is not a bed check! We just wanna say good night, and we love you very, very much! (Turns to Red after seeing him with the hammer.) What are you doing?
Red: Oh, just nailing his window shut. For his own good!
Eric: What if there's a fire?
Red: Well, then I guess you can just light your dope with it, dopehead!
(Donna exits Eric's room and looks around scared and enters Lauries room. She finds them making out. Laurie and Kelso
break apart.)
Laurie: Donna! Get out!
(Kelso grabs Donna by the arm.)
Kelso: Whoa! Not so fast, Laurie.
(Donna and Laurie hit him.)
Donna: Idiot! Red's doing bed checks.
(There's a knock on the door.)
Red: Bed check!
(Donna and Kelso dash under Lauries bed while Laurie goes to the foot of the bed to pretend to pray. Kitty and Red enter)
Laurie: And bless mommy, and bless daddy, and bless grandma….(Turns to the door) Oh, hi daddy!
Red: (Smiles at Laurie.) Sorry to bother you, kitten. (He and Kitty exits. Laurie gets up to lock the door.)
Donna: Kelso, get your hand off my ass.
Kelso: It was an accident.
Laurie: Shhh!
Donna: It's still there!
Kelso: It's still an accident!
Donna: Kelso, it's still there!
Kelso: Yeah.
Donna: Well…
(Donna slaps Kelso once again.)
Scene 2
(The Forman's basement. Hyde is sitting in his chair. Fez is watching t.v. and Jackie is annoying Hyde.)
Jackie: You know, Steven. This hatred thing you have for me, is just you protecting yourself.
Hyde: Okay.
Jackie: It's true. You're afraid to reach the peaks of love, for fear of being dropped off a cliff. Well, I'm your safety line,
Steven. So grab me.
Hyde: Go grab yourself, freak.
Kitty: (Calls down) Okay, bed check! Here we come!
(Hyde, Fez, and Jackie jump and Fez and Jackie go to the back room.)
Red: (Calls) Don't yell, Kitty! You're warning them!
Kitty: I'm not warning anybody. Getting closer! (enter down the stairs.) Okay, um, we just, we wanted to say goodnight, and,
um…(Red locks the door.) that you're a good boy, and…even though you do some things that we don't like, we still love you.
Red: And I'm watching you. (exits)
Kitty: And I'm cherishing you. ( follows Red.)
Fez: (Looks out to Hyde.) Oh, no, Jackie, they're still out there. (cups his ear) What was that? Oh, and they want our pants.
(Thumbs up to Hyde. Hyde laughs.)
Scene 3
(The Forman's kitchen. Red and Kitty sit at the counter.)
Red: You hear that?
Kitty: (listening) I don't hear anything.
Red: That's right. Nothing. That's the sound of discipline.
Kitty: No, that's the sound of jail. This house used to be fun until you made it miserable!
Red: Well, I'm sorry, Kitty, but I think it's working.
(camera pans to door to see the gang pushing the car.)
Kitty: Oh, you do.
Red: Yes, I do.
Kitty: (gets up and walks towards door.) Oh, you do.
Red: I just said I did.
Kitty: ( opens up the door.) Red.
Red: (looks out the door.) Oh, hell's bells! (Jumps up and exits outside.)
Kelso: It's Red! Run for it! (exits.)
Red: Freeze!
Laurie: Daddy! Thank god you came! They were kidnapping me!
Red: Oh, shut up, that's it, I have had it! You know what this means? More discipline!
Kitty: No, no…
Red: Oh, yes. Play time is over.
Kitty: Oh, stop saying that! Your cracking down is not working.
Eric: Hell, I could've told him that a week ago.
Kitty: Now is not the time to be a porky mouth. Red, I want my house back.
Fez: I once had an ant farm…
Kitty: Oh, honey, no, not now. Okay, okay, here's what we're gonna do. You (points to Red) are going to remember that he's
a good son. And you (points to Eric) are going to remember that he's a good father, because I am not happy with the way this house is running.
Red: (To Eric) Oh! Now you see what you've done? You've made your mother unhappy!
Kitty: No, he didn't! I'm not happy with everything! I'm not…I'm not happy with windows being nailed shut, and I'm not, I'm
not happy with people sneaking around, and, and, I'm not happy with my Christmas bells on the front door!
Red: Well, Kitty, what do you, what do you want me to do? Pretend that nothing happened?
Kitty: Yes.
Red: No!
Kitty: Fine. Then, then that's it. Then I'm staying home. I'm staying home full time and I am…I am taking back my house and, and that's the way it is. Now. You (To Red) get upstairs and take those nails out of the window, and you, (to Eric) stop being such a sneaky smart mouth, and, and you! (To Fez) Honey, you gotta stop eating stuff off the floor! Now. Everyone, let's just, let's go back to happy! (Exits)
Eric: So, I guess…play time is over! (Laughs as Red glares.) I'm sorry, I…
TAG
Kitty: (singing) I don't remember growing older.
Gene and Charo: (singing) When did they?
Gene: Sunrise.
Kitty: Sunset.
Charo: Sunrise.
Kitty: Sunset.
All: Swiftly through the years. One season following another. Laden with happiness and tears.
Charo: (Yells) Give it to me one more time! Cuchi! Ah, I love it!!
THE END
