KELSO's VAN
Kelso is driving, Donna is sitting next to him, Eric's in the back
KELSO: Well [Chuckles] Okay. Now that we're all in the van and you guys can't change your mind, I just want you to know that we're not exactly on the way to my uncle's fabulous cabin in the woods. It's really more of an ice shack.
DONNA: Did you say ice shack?
KELSO: Hmm? Yeah. Oh, and, uh, the hot tub [Chuckles] It's really more of a garbage can. Oh, but it's also the bathroom, so-
DONNA: Kelso, turn this van around!
ERIC: No, Donna, wait. Is there beer?
KELSO: Tons. Hey, and we don't even need a refrigerator... 'cause it's so freakin' cold.
ERIC: Paradise.
KELSO: Yeah. Oh, and, uh, before we pick up Jackie... I just want to make sure everybody knows what this trip is about.
DONNA: The fabulous hot-tub toilet?
KELSO: No. Eric, tell her about my master plan.
ERIC: Oh. Yeah. See, Kelso, when you start a sentence with the words "master plan," I just kind of know it's gonna be stupid, so I just naturally tune out.
KELSO: Okay, well, my master plan is...Eric! Pay attention! This is about a romantic double date. It's you and Donna and me and Jackie.
DONNA: Kelso, you do know you're not actually dating Jackie, right?
KELSO: That's why it's a secret double date. See, I told Jackie that the whole
gang was coming but then, I didn't invite Hyde, especially not Fez. He's all over
Jackie.
DONNA: Look. I'm not doing this. Turn this van around!
KELSO: No! I need you guys. See, if you're there...You guys are, like, the perfect
couple. And-And if you're there then, I can just copy all the sissy, loser things that Eric does for you.
ERIC: I really do enjoy your sissy, loser things. Yeah, like when I had first dibs on that seat, but I took the hump. It's a small price to pay to keep my lady happy.
KELSO: Exactly. I want to be that dork.
ERIC: Hmm. Kelso, why are you speeding up?
KELSO: I gotta beat this light.
DONNA: Why?
KELSO: I just- I gotta! [Brakes Squeal] Damn it!
The door opens and Fez jumps in, on Donna's lap
FEZ (panting): What are you doing? I've been chasing you for six blocks.
KELSO: I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't see you.
FEZ: Yeah, nice try. I know all about your master plan. Now, drive, you sneaky
son of a bitch.
OPENING CREDITS
AT THE ICE SHACK
JACKIE: You brought me to an outhouse?
ERIC: Actually, Jackie...[Bangs On Can] That's the outhouse.
KELSO: No! No, it's an ice shack, for fishing. I...This is gonna be a blast. I me- It is so beautiful out here. Plus, I brought lotion.
DONNA: Ooh, it's kinda cold.
ERIC: Here, take my jacket.
DONNA: I love you.
ERIC: God, we are such the... perfect couple.
JACKIE: I'm cold too.
KELSO: Well, damn, Jackie. I can't control the weather!
FEZ: Here, Jackie, take my coat.
JACKIE: Ohh, thanks, Fez (she walks inside)
ERIC: So, sweetie, what do you want to do?
DONNA: Whatever you want to do, honey.
ERIC: I want to go inside.
DONNA: That's what I want to do too.
ERIC: Oh, my God! Let's go! (they walk inside)
KELSO: Hey, what the hell was that jacket business, man? Uh, you're making me look bad.
FEZ: Look, Kelso, you are my good, good friend but I will stop at nothing to win Jackie and if you're in my way, I will destroy you.
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red and Kitty are having lunch
RED: This is nice, you coming home for lunch.
RED: Yeah.
Laurie comes into the kitchen, still in her dressing gown
KITTY: Good afternoon, sunshine. So, what have you got planned for today?
LAURIE: Same as every day. Lie on the couch, do my nails, avoid talking to you.
It's not going that well, so far (she leaves)
KITTY: Red, that girl does nothing but party all night and sleep all day. She's gonna end up like Aunt Martha. Remember the beer gut on her?
RED: She's not gonna end up like Fat Martha.
KITTY: Poor woman got so large she couldn't play putt-putt.
RED: Geez, don't remind me. That par two was the longest three hours of my life.
KITTY: Red, your daughter is drifting. So what are you gonna do?
RED: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna start eating my lunch at the office.
FOTO HUT
Hyde is working, Leo comes in
HYDE: Leo, man, glad you're here. I've been really busy.
LEO: Oh, yeah? I guess my "buy one, get one free" flyer is really bringing in the business.
HYDE: That's 'cause you forgot the "buy one" part.
LEO: Oh, no. Well, good thing we're closing early, man 'cause I need you to give me a ride over to my Cousin Larry's.
HYDE: I don't have a car, man.
LEO: You can drive mine, man. I can't drive since my license got suspended.
HYDE: Why? What'd you do?
LEO: Well, I dropped it in some soda, you know? And it just hung there,
suspended. And then when I was looking at it, I ran a red light.
INSIDE THE ICE SHACK
Donna, Eric, Jackie, Kelso and Fez are ice-fishing
ERIC: Boy, ice fishing's fun.
KELSO: I like this place, out here in the middle of a frozen lake. It's cozy, don't you think, Jackie?
JACKIE: If by "cozy," you mean "small and smelly," then, yes!
KELSO: Good one, Jackie. That's funny.
FEZ: Well, she needs a sense of humor with an unfaithful ex-boyfriend who brings her to a dump like this.
KELSO: Ow. Nice.
FEZ: Thank you. I mean, Eric would never take Donna to a place like this.
DONNA: Fez, it wouldn't matter where we were. Just being together makes it fun.
ERIC: Aw. But I would never bring you to a place like this because I know that you don't like such small, smelly places.
DONNA: You know me so well.
ERIC: Eskimo kiss.
FEZ: Too bad Kelso doesn't know anything about Jackie.
KELSO: Whoa. That is not true. I know everything about her. In fact, I'll bet I
know more about Jackie than Eric knows about Donna.
ERIC: Whoa, Kelso. Walk before you run, baby.
JACKIE: You think you know me, Michael? Then prove it.
FEZ: Oh, I have an idea. Let's play The Newlywed Game. Eric and Donna versus
Kelso and Jackie. And I will be the impartial judge who gets Jackie in the end.
KELSO: What?
FEZ: I mean, uh, good...good luck to everyone.
THE CAR
Hyde is driving, Leo is sitting next to him with a big brown bag on his lap
HYDE: Hey, Leo, what's in the bag, man?
LEO: How can I put this? Let's just say in this bag are illegal drugs.
HYDE: What? Come on, man. You know I'm on probation!
LEO: Nah, it's cool, man. All you have to do is just not get pulled over [Sirens Wail] What did I just tell you, man?
ICE SHACK
The game is about to start
FEZ: Gentlemen, our ladies have already written down the answers to their questions. First up, Eric. Eric, what is Donna's favorite Pizza topping?
ERIC: Pepperoni.
FEZ: Donna?
DONNA: Pepperoni!
ERIC: We're such the perfect couple!
DONNA: I know!
FEZ: Now, Kelso...
KELSO: Mushrooms!
FEZ: No, no, no, no, no. That is not your question. And minus two for interrupting the host.
KELSO: Oh.
FEZ: Minus two.
KELSO: Okay, sorry.
FEZ: It's okay. Minus two. Now, Kelso, last summer you "accidentally" bounced
Jackie off a trampoline. When she woke up in the hospital, what were her first words?
KELSO: Oh, uh, you..."Michael, you idiot."
Jackie (gasping): Michael, you remembered!
FEZ: Wow, he remembered. Okay, Eric, according to Donna what is Donna's last name?
ERIC: Pinciotti.
DONNA (shrieking): Oh, my God!
ERIC: Yes!
FEZ: Correct. Now, Kelso, Jackie has distant relatives in the Cook Islands. In the early 1900s, what species of turtle did they save from extinction? Take your time.
KELSO: Ladder-back.
Jackie holds up her card and screams
JACKIE: Michael, you're amazing! (they hug) Oh.
FEZ: No, no, no, no. No hugging!
JACKIE: I'm sorry, all right? I forgot.
FEZ: That's right, and let's try to remember that, little lady.
A little later
FEZ: Well, the score is horribly close.
JACKIE: I'm very impressed, Michael.
KELSO: Yeah, well, I guess you just remember things about those you care about.
FEZ: Oh, please. I'm gonna puke. Let's get this nightmare over with. Okay,
Donna if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
DONNA: Um, well, there's stuff I'd change but I know Eric, and he'd say "Nothing."
ERIC: No, but, wait. But that's not the question.
DONNA: Wh-Why? What'd you answer?
ERIC: It doesn't matter what I answered, because you answered wrong and I
don't...I don't...I don't want to play anymore.
DONNA (taking the card from him): "Huge Wile E. Coyote feet"? What the hell does that mean?
FEZ: It means you have enormous feet. Jackie...
DONNA: Whoa, whoa, Fez. Eric, you think I have enormous feet?
ERIC: No. No, no. You think that. Last week, you said you hated your "huge Wile E. Coyote feet."
DONNA: Eric, I only said that so you'd say they're not big.
ERIC: And they're not big.
KELSO: I'm sorry, but, dude, that's a lie.
DONNA: Oh, my God, I don't believe this.
ERIC: No, Donna, no, you're looking at this all wrong. Big feet make you, like,
really stable. You know? Really hard to... knock over.
DONNA: Get bent (she gives him a push that lands him on Michael's lap, then
leaves)
ERIC: See? I have small feet.
ERIC That's where- Donna? Are you going somewhere, honey? (he follows her)
FEZ: Okay, this is it. For all the marbles. Jackie. What was your answer?
JACKIE: Um, hmm... well if I had to change one thing about me it would have to be that I'm too cute and all other girls are jealous.
FEZ: Kelso?
Kelso looks at Jackie in slow-motion, he holds up his card and it says: Too cute – all other girls jealous. He screams and Jackie shrieks
JACKIE: Oh, my God, Michael! That's amazing! Oh! Oh, my God, I almos... Oh,
my God. I gotta go talk to Donna (she runs outside)
FEZ: Who would know that you would win a battle of wits?
KELSO: Yeah. Turns out that the key to winning Jackie's heart was in the last place I thought to look my own brain.
OUTSIDE THE ICE SHACK
Donna is staring at her feet, Jackie is talking to her
JACKIE: Donna, I think I'm actually feeling something for Michael, you know? Donna, would you please stop looking at your feet and listen to me?
DONNA: A boyfriend is supposed to tell you the things you don't like about yourself are fine. Like last week, I told Eric his pecks were getting bigger. But I mean, come on. If you lie him on his back, you could fill up his chest with water.
JACKIE: Maybe I'm just lonely. Or I need a sign from, like, God. Or, I don't know. Maybe I just need someone to tell me if I'm crazy.
DONNA: Jackie, you're crazy.
JACKIE: Not you, Bigfoot.
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red comes in, Kitty is sulking at the kitchen counter
RED: Hi, honey. How was...Oh, not over yet.
KITTY: No, it's not, Red. Go make Laurie do something with her life (Red laughs) I mean it. Now!
RED: Oh. You know, when a guy comes home from work he just wants to sit down and have a nice quiet beer.
KITTY: Well, she drank your beer because she doesn't have a future.
RED: Fine, Kitty. I'm going!
He walks into the living room
RED: Okay, honey. First of all always save one beer for Daddy.
LAURIE: Okay.
RED: Second of all we feel that you need to get some direction in your life. And by "we," I mean your mother. See, honey. I'm not really worried. 'Cause I know you're gonna find a nice guy and get married.
LAURIE: Exactly.
RED: Right. Someone who can take care of you, who's rich, who's... not Kelso. And I think this is a plan that might just work out for you.
LAURIE: Okay. But, Daddy, I mean, if I wanted to have a career of my own, I
could, right?
RED: Well, sure....I just don't want you to set yourself up for...Like what happened at the college...lf you set the bar too high, the fall might be...You see, you're just...so pretty. Here's five dollars (he leaves)
THE CAR
Leo and Hyde are pulled over by a cop
COP: Good evening, gentlemen.
LEO: Is there a problem, "ossifer?"
COP: Did you just say "ossifer?"
HYDE: Uh, no sir, I'm sorry. I distinctly heard him say officer, sir.
COP: Uh-huh. I pulled you over because your left brake light is out. I'm gonna have to write you up a warning.
LEO: Close one, man. I thought for sure he was gonna ask what's in the bag.
COP: I'm still right here.
LEO: Uh-oh (he gives the bag to the cop)
COP: Dog food?
HYDE: We were framed! I mean...pffrrt...Of course it's dog food. What'd you think it was? Illegal drugs?
COP: All right, weirdo’s. Drive safe.
HYDE (to Leo): Dog food?
LEO: Yeah. I mean...Oh, wait, man. If the dog food's in this bag, then
where's....Oh, wow. I gotta check on my dog, man!
ICE SHACK
Jackie walks in, Kelso gets up
KELSO: Jackie, l-
JACKIE: Don't speak, Michael. I am very close to letting myself experience strong
feelings of not hating you. I just need a sign.
KELSO: I brought the lotion.
JACKIE: No, okay. I want you to guess a number between one and ten.
KELSO: Seven.
JACKIE: Guess again.
KELSO: Three.
JACKIE: Close enough. Let's go.
FEZ: Jackie, if you go out that door with him whatever we might have had between us is over forever (she leaves without hesitating)
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red and Kitty are reading, Laurie comes in
LAURIE: Look! The reason I haven't done anything with my life is because I didn't know what I wanted to do.
KITTY: Well, the post office has a dental plan that's supposed...
LAURIE: Shh! But, Daddy, you forced me to sit down and think about it and now, I have found my passion! Hair!
KITTY: The musical?
LAURIE: No! Hair! I'm going to beauty school!
KITTY: This isn't something you do through the mail, is it?
LAURIE: No! It's a real school.
KITTY: Oh, well, yaayyy! Ahahaha!
RED: Congratulations, sweetheart (Laurie leaves) So, Kitty, what do you think?
KITTY: Eh.
RED: Yeah.
ICE SHACK
Eric looks at the van shaking
ERIC: Well, looks like Jackie and Kelso are back together.
Inside the van, Kelso is doing a victory dance which makes the van shake...
KELSO: I won and Fez lost I won and Fez lost
A cracking sound, Kelso and Jackie jump out the van
ERIC: You guys, what happened?
KELSO: I don't know. All of a sudden the van just started shakin'.
DONNA: Uh, guys.
The van is slowly sinking through the ice
KELSO: Quick! Everyone give me your belts. Together we can pull it out.
The van sinks deeper and the gang move aside
KELSO: Come on! Gi-
JACKIE: Michael, this is it! This is the sign I was looking for! God doesn't want us
to be together!
KELSO: Who cares? I'm losing my van!
JACKIE: See? That was always the problem with us, Michael. It was always about
you.
KELSO: Jackie, are you losing your van?
JACKIE: No!
KELSO: Then shut up!
DONNA: Wow, watching Kelso's van sink makes the size of my feet seem unimportant.
ERIC: See, Donna? Size doesn't matter.
DONNA: Oh, you don't have to tell me.
ERIC: That's-Yeah. That's..There's my sweet girl.
JACKIE: Fez, I'm cold.
FEZ: Frankly my dear...I don't give a rat's ass (he goes inside)
END CREDITS
LEO: Dr. Zhivago, I'm home! I brought your food.!
[Fanfare]
[Barking]
[Barking Continues]
THE END
