FORMAN KITCHEN
Red is reading the paper. Donna walks in. Kitty is ironing
DONNA: Hey, Mrs. Forman. My dad's making a cheese sandwich, but he's missing some stuff. So, can I borrow bread and cheese?
KITTY: Oh, your dad's having a hard time without your mom, isn't he?
RED: Midge was the brains of that outfit? (laughs) Oh, I'm- I'm sorry, Donna.
ERIC (comes in): Sorry about what?
RED: You, get Donna bread and cheese.
ERIC: Okay.
DONNA: Wow. This is a really nice dress.
KITTY: I know. Isn't it fancy? Ahahahaha! It's for the Price Mart Ball tomorrow night.
ERIC: Oh, right, the Price Mart Ball.
KITTY: So who you takin'? Who's the lucky lady?
ERIC: Oh, well, I decided not to go. Personal choice.
RED: You don't have a date, do you?
ERIC: Okay. You know what? It's not about, ''Can I get a date?'' It's about this great book that I'm, like, halfway through. Plus, you know, I could get a date (Red laughs) I've got numbers, buddy.
KITTY: Sure you do, honey. You're number one with me.
RED: You're going tomorrow night. And you'd better not go stag, Eric. There's nothing worse than an 80-pound boy dancing with his mommy all night.
DONNA: You know what? (clears throat) I'll go. I told you I would,like, months ago.
ERIC: But that was before the... ugliness.
DONNA: Eric, I'm over it. Hey, I'm over it. Oh, I'm- I'm over it. Plus, I mean, last year they had all-you-can-eat shrimp.
ERIC: Well, I mean, you know, I'm over it. Hey, I'm over it. Yeah, I'm over it. I was just worried that you might think it was weird, us going out on a date. So, I mean, you know, the concern laid with you.
DONNA: Eric, it's not a date.
ERIC: It's not... I know. I know it's not a date. It's not a date. It's a shrimp fest. A festival of shrimp, if you will.
DONA: Exactly.
ERIC: Okay.
DONNA: I'll see you tomorrow night.
ERIC: 'Kay.
KITTY: See, now, look. My little prince is going to the ball.
OPENING CREDITS
FORMAN BASEMENT
The guys are hanging out in the basement
HYDE: So, Forman, you break up with Donna but you still get to have sex and go on dates with her? Ride the big red wave, dude.
FEZ: I should break up with Donna. ''Donna, we are through. Let the sex and dating begin.''
ERIC: Oh, no. It's not a date. We're just friends now, because she's over it. Well, guess who else is over it?
HYDE: I am.
KELSO: Me too.
FEZ: So over it.
KELSO: Look, man, breaking up sucks, okay? When Jackie dumped me, you know what she said? ''Somethin' somethin'. Never wanna see you again. Blah, blah, blah.'' Hey, you think that didn't hurt?
ERIC: Okay. You know what? I'm done talking about this.
HYDE: Good.
ERIC: But I will say this. If she doesn't want it to be a date, then it won't be a date. I am so cool with that, because as we all know I am very mature. Now, if you would all please excuse me my mommy has to iron my corduroys (he leaves)
FEZ: Ah, women. Am I right, guys? Ah, who am I kidding? There's no woman for Fez. What must Fez do to get a woman?
HYDE: Well, for one thing, he's gotta cut out that third-person crap. It's weird. You are Fez. You know somethin' else? Shoes say a lot about a man. In your case, your chukka boots are screaming ''virgin.''
FEZ: Damn you, boots. What else have you told them?
KELSO: Hey, Fez... seeing you wear those chukkas makes me wanna up-chukka.
HYDE: Nice.
KELSO: Yeah. It's like I ate too many ''chukkalate'' chip cookies. Okay. Yeah, how much wood could a ''woodchukka'' chukka...
HYDE: Hey. Shut the chukka up.
FEZ: How am I supposed to afford new boots? My Bible-thumping host parents won't give me an allowance because I am a pagan.
HYDE: You know, Leo's looking for help down at the Fotohut.
FEZ: The Fotohut, huh? I can really ''picture'' myself there. That job and I will really ''click.'' Oh, I am on a ''roll''... of film (Hyde hits him) Ow. Don't be so... ''negative.'' I am the king.
THE FOTO HUT
Hyde, Leo and Fez are standing around
LEO: You sure you wanna get in the Fotohut game? It can chew you up and spit you out like a stick of gum. Or something that seemed edible till you put it in your mouth... and then you realized it's not. Or a stick of gum.
FEZ: What kind of gum?
LEO: Big Red.
FEZ: Oh, that's fine.
LEO: Okay, you're hired. But you're on probation. No, wait. I'm on probation. Oh, wow. I gotta go see my probation officer (he leaves)
FEZ: So he's my new boss?
HYDE: Welcome to paradise.
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
Eric and Donna are standing near the car. Kitty and Red walk out
KITTY: Oh, Red. Don't the kids look nice for their date?
RED: Yeah. Nice as hell.
DONNA: Oh, well, thanks, Mrs. Forman.
ERIC: Actually, Mom as Donna so thoughtfully pointed out earlier, this isn't a date.
KITTY: Well, I just… I like seeing you together. You just-You look so natural.
ERIC: But we're not together.
KITTY: Well, sure you are. I'm looking right at you.
RED: Let's spend the night in the driveway looking at the kids. That's what I wanna do.
ERIC (opens the car door. Waits for Donna to try and get in and then gets in himself): Oh, hang on one sec. Oh, hey, Donna? Why don't you make like a circle and go round, okay? That's right. Like a circle.
RED: Slide over or I'll hit you in the head.
ERIC: All right.
DONNA (singsong voice): You got yelled at .
ERIC: Shut up.
PRICE MART BALL
They walk in
ERIC (finding their table): Oh, okay, this is us.
DONNA: See? This is great. Being out together, not on a date, just friends. I feel, like, virtually nothing for you.
ERIC: Me too. Here. Let's have a seat. Here you go. Oh, whoops. Not a date (he pulls the chair from under her, Donna falls on the floor)
DONNA: Eric!
ERIC: I'm sorry. Okay, uh, minor glitch. Let's let the good times roll.
KITTY: Isn't this nice?
RED: Okay, Kitty. Enough jawin'. Drinks are only free for the first two hours.
KITTY: Oh, do you think they have peach schnapps? Peach is my favorite schnapp.
LYLE: Hi. I'm Lyle, Housewares manager in Oshkosh.
ERIC: Hi. Eric, stock boy, Point Place. And this is my friend...(he slaps her on the back) Donna. We're not on a date, even though, I mean... even though I did pay for her. But what can you do? Tell me, Lyle. Are you here on a real date?
LYLE: Uh- Hey, that's Stewie. Stewie! (walks off)
DONNA: Nice going. Scared off Lyle. Now we'll never meet Stewie. Eric, what is wrong with you?
MAN: Hey, guy. Put your arm around your date.
ERIC: Oh, no, she's not my date...
DONNA: Oh,just shut up and take the picture.
Eric grabs her arm likes he's wrestling her
THE FOTOHUT
Hyde is sleeping. Fez is working
FEZ: Ta-da!
HYDE (waking up): Quittin' time, chief?
FEZ: No. I devised a system to streamline our operations. From now on, all orders will be filed alphabetically.
HYDE: So the size of a customer's boobs?
FEZ: No longer a factor. You see, it saves time. And time, my friend, is money.
PRICE MART BALL
Donna brings back a huge plate of shrimp
ERIC: Hey, Moby Dick called. He wants his shrimp back.
DONNA: It's those hilarious jokes that I miss so much since we broke up.
ERIC: So, uh... should I get us some punch or.. Wait. Do you get the punch? Oh, no. How do we get the punch?
DONNA: Eric, stop it. You're being an ass.
ERIC: Well, why don't you just, you know, get over it?
DONNA: I only said that because I wanna be friends again. I mean, I wish we could pretend that we were never boyfriend and girlfriend... and just, you know, be friends.
ERIC: Donna, it's hard. It's not like being friends with Hyde, okay? I haven't, you know... touched his fun parts... well, on purpose.
DONNA: We used to have a lot fun together.
ERIC: Yeah. Just like there used to be shrimp in the world. Okay.
DONNA: Hmm. Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. When I get back, we're gonna have a lot of fun together.
ERIC: Okay.
DONNA: Okay (she leaves)
ERIC (seeing a girl is watching him): Hello.
CONNIE: Hi, I'm Connie. Pet Supplies, Sheboygan. You, uh, wanna dance?
ERIC: Oh, uh.. Yeah, I'm kind of here with someone so...
CONNIEL kay. Well, um, maybe I'll see you around.
ERIC: Okay.
He tries to sit down but Red grabs him
RED: What the hell is wrong with you?
ERIC: Okay, you hurt my arm.
RED: She was a real looker. And for some reason she talked to you. Now go get her.
ERIC: What? No. Dad, Donna's here.
RED: Well, Donna's off having fun while you're sittin' here being a big lump.
ERIC: Okay, first of all... you are way too involved with my life, okay? And second of all, Donna's not having fun. She's in the bathroom (Red points behind him. Donna is talking to a LOT of guys) That's not the bathroom.
RED: Now, go talk to that girl before she comes to her senses... and wants nothing to do with you. Oh, God. Your mother's doing shots with Gladys from Housewares. Kitty, put it down.
GROCERY STORE
Bob is grabbing a lot of meals from the freezer. A woman looks at him
BOB: My wife left me. I don't cook. I don't shop. I'm hungry. This place scares me, and I like Salisbury steak.
JOANNE: So you don't cook or shop, and your idea of a nice meal is gristly hamburger smothered in goo? What woman could let all that go?
BOB: Hey, I've got an upside.
JOANNE: I know. You're a good guy.. a good, old-fashioned, out-of-touch, Stone Age guy. But, you know, there's nothing wrong with you that changing yourself completely couldn't fix.
BOB: Thank you.
JOANNE: Here. In the meantime, have a pretzel. I can tell you haven't eaten anything.
BOB: I am pretty hungry.
JOANNE: Oh, never shop when you're hungry 'cause you'll end up at home with 15 Salisbury steaks. Give me those.
BOB: See, the problem is I have a daughter at home. I think I'm gonna have to start feeding her. I don't think I can do this.
JOANNE: Of course you can't. Lucky for you, I'm here. Now we just gotta find everything you need to make a meat loaf.
BOB: Wow. You're gonna make me a meat loaf?
JOANNE: No. You're gonna make me a meat loaf.
BOB: Okay, but sometimes I burn myself on the oven. I'm, uh- I'm Bob.
JOANNE: Joanne. Now haul ass, Bob.
PRICE MART BALL
Donna comes out the bathroom. Kitty walks into er
DONNA: Oh.
KITTY: Oop. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Oh, Donna. Oh, oh. So, are you having fun at the big ball?
DONNA: Um, yeah. You know, at first I wasn't. Eric was being really jerky and weird.
ERIC: Uh-huh. Well, he does that.
DONNA: I mean if he gets me a glass of punch, it's not like we have to sleep together.
KITTY: Well, it would have to be pretty good punch. Ahahahaha! They have an open bar.
DONNA: Uh! I just wish Eric could relax.
ERIC: Well, um, I think he can (she points to Eric dancing with Connie)
DONNA: Oh. Oh. Oh, good for him. I'm... I'm glad. He's dancing with a beautiful... skank!
The ball is ending
KITTY: Well, I will say this about Price Mart: They have wonderful balls. Red, grab that centerpiece. Oh, hey. Here's another. Ahahahaha! Donna, honey, grab that centerpiece.
RED: Kitty, how many centerpieces do we need?
KITTY: Red, they are center pieces.!
CONNIE: Okay, so don't lose my number, all right?
ERIC: All right (he kisses her and she walks off)
DONNA: Eric, what the hell?
ERIC: What?
DONNA: Why are you kissing her? You're on a date with me.
ERIC: It wasn't a date.
DONNA: Well, it is now, you bastard! Now come open my car door for me before I kick your ass!
THE FOTO HUT – THE CIRCLE
KELSO: The Fotohut's cool. Hyde, your job kicks ass.
HYDE: Yeah. I never thought I'd be a workingman, man. But, man, here I am... working for the man. And you know what, man? I like the man.
LEO: Hey, thanks, man. So, my probation officer was sure happy I came by. He even wants to see me for some additional years. He's a good guy.
JACKIE (flipping through pictures)Ugly, fat, whorey, old... whorey, old, four-eyes, ugly, fat.
KELSO: Oh, this one's kinda cute (Jackie pinches him) I mean, for a fatty (she hits him again) OW I mean, for a whore? (PINCH) OWW, damn,Jackie! What do you want me to say?
FEZ: That's it. I cannot work like this. Anyone who doesn't have to be here must leave.
KELSO: Fez..
FEZ: I said, leave (he knocks Kelso over)
HYDE: Damn, Fez. You've only been here one day and you're already trying to change everything.
LEO: Yeah. It's like we crossed into some different dimension... where we're in some kind of... Fotohut. It's eerie, man.
IN THE CAR
Kitty, Red, Eric and Donna are in the car. Centerpieces all around
KITTY: And then you encourage him and what happens? He ends up kissing a girl while he's on a date with another girl.
RED: Once again, an open bar spells disaster for the Forman family.
KITTY: Red, I am not drunk. I am upset... and drunk. All I know is that is not the way to behave on a date.
ERIC & RED: It wasn't a date.
KITTY & DONNA: Oh, please.
THE FOTO HUT
Hyde comes in
HYDE: Good morning.
FEZ: No. It was morning when I got here, on time. Now, put this on (he shows
Hyde a sweater with "Fotohut, it's phabulous" on it) Clever, huh? Yes, very.
HYDE: Fez... Working here is about goofing off... you know, creating a model of inefficiency. You're ruining the Fotohut, man. And if you think I'm gonna stand idly by... you're right, 'cause that's what I do here.
LEO (coming in): Oh, Hyde, you're here early. Oh, slick uniform, man. Is that how you spell Fotohut?
FEZ: Yes, but Hyde won't wear it.
LEO: Something's gotta change around here, man.
FEZ: Amen.
Fez leaves
LEO: I don't like what's goin' on here, man. That little dude's making us all look bad. I'm afraid the boss is gonna fire me.
HYDE: Leo, you are the boss.
FEZ (from outside): Did you fire him yet? I'll take his shifts.
LEO: Hey, dude, man. I think we decided that you're fired.
FEZ: Oh. Well, that's a cold slap in the groin. How am I supposed to afford my new boots?
LEO: Here. Just do what I do, man. Just get some money out of the register when the boss isn't lookin'.
HYDE: Once again, Leo, you are the boss.
LEO: And I'm not lookin'.
Hyde gives Fez some money, then slams the glass door
FORMAN KITCHEN
Donna comes in. Eric is making a sandwhick between the centerpieces
DONNA: Hey, kissy-face.
ERIC: Ah, well. If it isn't Kooky McShrimplover, who doesn't know how she feels. Comin' over here like everything's normal and nothin' happened last night. Yep. That's my Kooky McShrimplover.
DONNA: I know. I freaked out. I'm sorry.
ERIC: Well, that's a first.
DONNA: Well, this is complicated, okay? I mean, we do wanna be friends, right?
ERIC: Yeah. I don't wanna be nothing.
DONNA: Okay. Well, then, maybe some rules will help. Like, when we're out on a date that's not a date... we can't make out with slutty girls.
ERIC: Uh-huh. Or that could just be a rule for me. Yeah, I mean, Donna, feel free... No. Feel encouraged to make out with all the slutty girls you want.
DONNA (taking his hand): What is this? Is this (kissing sounds) kissy girl's phone number?
ERIC: Uh-huh.
DONNA (licks his hand): Okay, see ya! (she leaves)
ERIC: Ewww (whipes his hand on his pants) Ahhh!
END CREDITS
FORMAN BASEMENT
Kelso is looking at Eric's hand
KELSO: I got it. Her phone number is 72936.
ERIC: I think there are a couple more numbers than that.
KELSO: Really? Oh, yeah. It's 72936... ampersand?
ERIC: Maybe, but I just don't really know how to dial that.
KELSO: Just.. Oh, yeah. That'd be hard.
THE END.
