Épisode La nouvelle de Donna S04E08 - That '70s Show Saison 4

Landes

Éric et Donna sont grimés en personnages du XIXè siècle et s'appellent Derrick et Wonda. Ils s'avouent mutuellement leur amour puis Wonda le quitte pour aller tenter de nouvelles aventures. Derrick devient alors menaçant et lui avoue qu'il a tué son chat. Elle doit l'épouser ou il fera du mal à d'autres chats en les arrosant.

« The Hub »

Éric est en fait en train de lire la lettre que Donna a écrite pour le journal du lycée. Il est estomaqué. Fez est avec lui et ne comprend pas grand-chose.

Plus tard, Hyde et Kelso les rejoignent. Tout de suite, Hyde se moque de la situation d'Éric. Il a compris, comme tout le monde, que Donna avait raconté sa rupture avec Éric et l'a rendue publique. Fez ne comprend pas en quoi cela parle d'Éric, malgré les nombreuses coïncidences. Kelso semble absorbé par autre chose et veut que ses amis jouent avec le flipper dans lequel il compte bien investir 50$. Quand Hyde lui demande où il s'est procuré tant d'argent, Kelso lui apprend que Jackie lui a donné. Cette dernière arrive et il lui demande la somme ; pour la convaincre, il dit qu'il va utiliser l'argent pour lui acheter une jolie robe. Pendant ce temps, Fez n'arrive toujours pas à comprendre en quoi le texte parle d'Éric.

Allée des Forman

Les Forman s'apprêtent à aller rencontrer la nouvelle copine de Bob. Comme à son habitude, Red râle car il doute qu'elle soit intéressante. Sa femme le force quand même à venir.

Jardin des Pinciotti

Bob leur présente Joan, qu'il a rencontré à l'épicerie. Red voit tout de suite qu'elle a de l'esprit et cela semble lui plaire. Mais il déchante lorsque Joan affirme qu'elle va s'occuper du barbecue alors qu'il souhaitait le faire. Pire ; elle veut que les deux hommes préparent la salade. Red trouve que c'est une tâche de femme et refuse mais Kitty accepte d'aller s'occuper du barbecue avec Joan. Bob est bien décidé à faire la salade, il demande à Red de se taire car il apprécie la jeune femme. Red comprend qu'elle a en plus appris à Bob à affirmer ses opinions. Son voisin lui propose un tablier pour que la tâche soit moins difficile, Red finit par céder.

Sous-sol des Forman

Donna rejoint les garçons. Éric exprime tout son mécontentement mais son ex-petite amie assure que ce n'est pas leur histoire. Le jeune homme lui parle alors de l'épisode des revues pornographiques. On retrouve alors une scène dans les landes où Wonda a trouvé des parchemins osés sous le lit de Derrick. De retour dans la réalité, Donna admet qu'il y a quelques similitudes. Seulement c'est grave pour Éric qui n'apprécie pas d'avoir le rôle de méchant dans l'histoire. Elle lui explique alors qu'elle a exagéré, lui rappelant qu'elle écrit pour des lycéennes stupides. Jackie surgit, euphorique. Elle adore l'histoire de Donna.

The « Hub »

Hyde a avoué à Jackie la manière dont Kelso avait utilisé son argent. Ce dernier tente de s'en sortir avec une pirouette mais ça ne fonctionne pas. Il finit par expliquer qu'il a investi dans un flipper et que cela va lui rapporter de l'argent. Fez essaie de lui faire comprendre que ça va lui en faire perdre mais son ami le prend de haut et se moque de ses origines. Vexé, Fez l'envoie balader. Donna rejoint la bande et retrouve un Éric toujours furieux. Il voudrait raconter sa version pour que tout le monde sache qui est le méchant. Deux filles arrivent et l'insultent. C'en est trop pour Éric qui décide d'écrire sa propre version de leur histoire. Donna se moque de lui, doutant de ses capacités littéraires.

Jardin des Pinciotti

Les Forman, Joan et Bob mangent. Ce dernier complimente Joan sur son poulet mais Red le trouve sec. Kitty assure qu'il est très moelleux. Bob et Joan préfèrent les laisser seuls. Red commence tout de suite à critiquer Joan et sa femme lui demande de se taire à son tour.

Landes

Wonda est en sorcière et Derrick est attaché à un arbre avec une corde. Puis elle enlève sa tenue et apparaît en tenue sexy pour le séduire.

Sous-sol des Forman

Éric a tenté de développer une première ébauche d'histoire mais il sent que c'est ridicule. Pourtant, Fez adore !

The « Hub »

Kelso s'apprête à montrer à Jackie et Fez tous les profits qu'il a fait. Mais lorsqu'il ouvre la réserve du flipper, il découvre une seule misérable pièce. Kelso pense qu'il doit faire de la publicité pour attirer les gens, il demande à Jackie de poser en bikini devant la machine. La jeune fille refuse mais accepte un compromis, elle veut bien qu'il mettre une photo d'elle en bikini. Alors que Kelso lui demande d'en apporter une, Fez lui tend une photo de Jackie en bikini qu'il avait dans son porte-feuille. Il lui dit même de la garder car il en a d'autres !

Sous-sol des Forman

Éric a enfin écrit sa version de l'histoire et veut savoir ce que Hyde et Fez en pensent. Il en a même distribué quelques exemplaires au lycée. Donna arrive, furieuse. On se retrouve une fois de plus dans le passé. Wonda promet à Derrick de coucher avec lui puis ne cesse de se défiler alors qu'il la supplie. A la place, elle veut qu'il lui masse ses pieds énormes. De retour dans le présent, Donna reproche à Éric d'avoir voulu faire du mal. Le jeune homme lui rétorque que c'est qu'elle a fait également. Elle s'en va. Fez est complètement perdu, Hyde lui explique qu' Éric a fait n'importe quoi, une fois de plus.

Cuisine des Forman

Red et Kitty ont invité Joan et Bob à dîner. Cette fois-ci, Red s'est occupé de la viande et tient à ce que Joan fasse la salade. Sentant la tension venir, Bob se lève mais Joan et Red lui ordonnent de s'asseoir. Joan refuse de faire la salade car elle considère qu'il lui donne un ordre. Red essaie d'expliquer que ce sont les hommes qui s'occupent de la viande et ce, depuis des années. Soudain, Bob sent que quelque chose brûle. Red court voir sa viande. Quelques secondes plus tard, il revient la poser sur la table, elle a brûlé. De mauvaise foi, il est le seul à apprécier la cuisson.

The « Hub »

Le flipper a disparu et un autre jeu a pris sa place, au grand dam de Kelso. On comprend vite que c'est Fez qui en est responsable car il n'a pas apprécié la manière dont il lui avait parlé. Éric et Hyde arrivent. Aussitôt, les deux filles qui l'avaient insulté viennent s'excuser auprès d' Éric. Il croit que c'est à cause de ce qu'il a écrit mais elles lui apprennent que la seconde partie de l'histoire de Donna a été publiée. Éric y jette un œil et Wonda dit qu'elle aimera toujours Derrick.

Cuisine des Pinciotti

Éric vient présenter ses excuses à Donna. Il ne savait pas que son histoire n'était pas achevée. Donna lui explique que le journal du lycée l'a divisée en deux parties. Le jeune homme avoue qu'il a écrit sa version sous le coup de la colère et Donna fait de même, elle reconnaît que cela lui a fait du bien et l'ai aidée à gérer leur rupture. Éric se demande ce qu'il va advenir de Derrick et Wonda. Donna lui répond qu'ils vont prendre des chemins différents mais que tout ira bien.

The « Hub »

Fez arrive. Jackie et Donna lui sautent dessus, suivies par les deux autres filles qui ont parlé à Éric.

Sous-sol des Forman

Fez s'est lui aussi mis à l'écriture et semble satisfait de sa prose.

Fairgirl

DEREK & WANDA

The cover of a book : Ye Olde 70s Show. The book opens, on the first page it says "Bleak English Moor: A long time ago... " . Then we see Derek (Eric) and Wanda (Donna), dressed in medieval clothes.

DEREK: Oh, Wanda.

WANDA: Oh, Derek.

DEREK: Oh, Wanda.

WANDA: Yes, Derek?

DEREK: You're not just my next-door neighbor. You're also the love of my life.

WANDA: Derek, I, too, have strong feelings of love for you but I have to give back this promise ball and chain. I must leave Point Upon the Place and explore the world with my trusty cat named Sir Bonkers.

DEREK: No. I'll never let you go.

(Thunderclap)

WANDA: You can't make me stay.

DEREK: Oh, no? What if I told you that I've run over the cat named Sir Bonkers and the cat named Sir Bonkers is no more? Now submit and be my wife!

(Thunderclap)

WANDA: Derek, once you were a kind, peaceful man... but love has made you wicked.

DEREK: Oh, I am wicked. And until you agree to be my wife I will scour the earth in search of cats named ''Sir Bonkers'' and I will kill them all! Or at very least, spray them with water which every

THE HUB

Fez and Eric are sitting at a table. Eric is reading

ERIC: I can't believe Donna would publish this in the school paper.

FEZ: I know. This could be in Reader's Digest. It's that good.

ERIC: Oh, this is the worst short story by an ex-girlfriend in a school newspaper ever.

OPENING CREDITS

THE HUB

Hyde walks in, with a copy of the paper

HYDE: Well, if it isn't Playboy reading, panty-loving, cat-killing Derek.

ERIC: I know. How could Donna write this?

FEZ: Why are you upset? It's this Derek guy who really gets the shaft.

ERIC: Fez, I am Derek.

FEZ: Everything always has to be about you.

HYDE: Fez, man, think about it. Eric killed Donna's cat. Derek killed Wanda's cat.

Donna found panties in Eric's Vista Cruiser. Wanda found a chastity belt in Derek's Vista Carriage.

KELSO (walking up to them): Hey, you guys, you know what goes really good with a bad short story? Pinball!

ERIC: No. I hate pinball.

KELSO: Hate it or love it?

ERIC: Hate it.

KELSO: Or love it? Come on, guys. I'm gonna buy a 50 dollar stake in this machine so let's play so I can make some money.

HYDE: Where'd you get 50 dollars?

KELSO: From Jackie.

JACKIE: Hey.

KELSO: Oh hey, Jackie. Can I borrow 50 dollars?

JACKIE: For what?

KELSO: To buy a dress for you.

JACKIE: Okay (they walk off together)

FEZ: Wait a minute. Eric, Derek. Panties, chastity belt. Dead cat, dead cat. Oh-ho-ho! I still got nothing.

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

Kitty and Red walk out the kitchen door

KITTY: Come on, Red. Bob really wants us to meet his new lady friend.

RED: Now, think about it, Kitty. She likes Bob. I have a hard time believing this woman even exists. We're gonna get over there, Bob's gonna be sittin' in a rocker with a lady's wig on. ''You look lovely tonight, Bob.'' ''So do you, Bob.''

KITTY: You've been working on that all day, haven't you?

RED: Yeah.

PINCIOTTI’s BACK YARD

Red and Kitty walk into the Pinciotti's back yard

BOB: Red, Kitty, I'd like you to meet a very special lady… Joanne.

KITTY: Well, Joanne, it is so nice to meet you. Right, Red?

RED: We can't stay long.

JOANNE: Ah, Red. Bob warned me you can be a pain in the ass.

Kitty laughs really hard, Red look angry

JOANNE: Well, I'll tell you what. We'll just have dinner and if it turns out you don't like me, we'll never invite you over again.

RED: Really? I like you already.

RED: Well, let's get this barbecue started. Bob, grab that meat.

JOANNE: Oh, I got it, Red. Why don't you fellas make a salad?

RED (laughing): Salad. Oh, you're serious. No, see, Bob and I do the grilling.

JOANNE: Not this time. Kitty, you wanna give me a hand?

KITTY: Well, I'd love to.

RED: Oh, I don't think… But, Kitty, you might set your lovely hair on fire.

KITTY: Well, it can't be that hard. You do it.

RED: Bob, what the hell's goin' on here?

BOB: Look, Red, I really like this woman so please, for today, just shut it.

RED: Shut it? Good God, Bob! Is she teaching you to stand up for yourself?

BOB: Yes.

RED: Well, cut it out!

BOB: I want to have a nice time. Come on. I'll give you first dibs on the aprons. You want the fake tuxedo or the fake hairy chest?

RED: Oh, damn it. Give me the tuxedo!

BOB: Whoo-hoo! Hairy chest is Joanne's favorite.

RED: It's probably 'cause she's got one.

FORMAN BASEMENT

The gang is in the basement. Donna comes in

ERIC: Oh! Well, if it isn't the wielder of the poison pen.

DONNA: Didn't you like my story?

ERIC: No. No, I didn't. That's why I said ''poison pen'' not ''marshmallow pen.''

DONNA: What?

ERIC: This story is about us.

DONNA: No, it's not.

ERIC: You took stuff from our life and put 'em in your story (lowers voice) Like the time you found those Playboys under my bed...

Flashback to Derek & Wanda. Thunderclap. Derek throws water behind him. A cat screeches

DEREK: Begone, Sir Bonkers.

WANDA: Derek, look what I found under your bed. Lewd renderings of naked serving wenches. Did you commission these?

ERIC: So what if I did? I have needs, woman. Now, ready thyself. On this night we fornicate.

Back in the basement

DONNA: Okay, well, maybe there are some similarities. But that's what writers do. I mean, we take stuff from our lives.

ERIC: Yeah, but you made me mean all the time and that's mean.

DONNA: Okay, maybe I exaggerated some stuff 'cause, you know, I'm writing this for stupid high school girls.

JACKIE (coming in with the paper): Oh, my God! Great story!

THE HUB

Kelso, Hyde and Eric are sitting at a table. Jackie walks up to them

JACKIE: Michael, Steven just told me that instead of buying me a dress you spent my 50 dollars on this stupid machine.

HYDE: Jackie, I did not. Oh, yeah, I did.

KELSO: Jackie, listen. There's an old saying: You buy a girl a dress, and she looks pretty for one night. But you buy her boyfriend a pinball machine, and she looks pretty for life.

JACKIE: Okay, there's another old saying, Michael: You're dumb as dirt.

ERIC: That's true. That was in the yearbook.

KELSO: Okay, okay. All right. Listen, listen. So, I bought a half stake in this machine, all right? So that means for every quarter I put into it, I get half back. That's a 50% profit!

FEZ: Uh, actually, Kelso, I think that's a 50% loss.

KELSO: Fez, I know it's hard for a foreigner to understand our complicated capitalist system. But we're dealing with quarters here, not frogs or chickens.

FEZ: Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response because I can't think of one. But when I do, a good day to you.

KELSO: All right, Fez. Y...

FEZ: I said, kiss my ass.

DONNA (coming in): So, you still mad?

ERIC: No. No reason to be mad. Your story is just a pathetic attempt to rewrite history and make yourself look good. I'm pretty sure everyone's gonna know who the dill-hole is here.

DONNA: Eric, it's just a story. No one's gonna think anybody's a dill-hole.

GIRLS: Cat killer! Bastard! Porn freak!

DONNA: Okay, they could be talking about anybody.

HYDE: Hey, we're all porn-freak bastards but he's the only one who killed a cat.

ERIC: Okay, okay. This school obviously needs to hear the Eric Forman version of things a.k.a. the truth. So I'm gonna write my own story. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I'm throwing down the gauntlet, baby.

DONNA: Really? Okay, smarty, what's a gauntlet?

ERIC: A gauntlet? What's a gauntlet? What's a gauntlet? I don't know, but it's down, lady.

PINCIOTTI BACKYARD

Bob, Joanne, Kitty an Red are eating their bbq food

BOB: Boy, this chicken's delish. What a chef. You really know your way around a grill, Joanne.

RED: Mine's dry.

KITTY: No, it isn't. It's tender and delicious.

RED: Maybe if I chewed it with some water.

JOANNE: Well, there's the hose.

RED: I don't like her anymore.

KITTY: Well, I do.

RED: Kitty, I'm chopping vegetables, Bob's telling me to shut it, you're over there grilling with Susan B. damn Anthony.

KITTY: Well, fine, Red. If it bothers you we can invite them over, and you can do the grilling. But for now, I'd really appreciate it if you'd just shut it.

RED: If one more person tells me to shut it…

KITTY: What? You might actually shut it?

DEREK & WANDA

Wanda is dressed as a witch and stirring a cauldron. Derek is tied up with ropes

DEREK: Please, Wanda, you don't have to boil me alive. Killing your cat was just a horrible accident.

WANDA: I know, but I'm a witch.

Thunderclap

DEREK: Dear God, why is a nice, sensitive guy like me dating a lying, manipulative witch like you?

WANDA: Well, maybe it's because even witches have itches.

She throws off her clothes and show a lacy gown

DEREK: All is forgiven!

FORMAN BASEMENT

Fez and Eric are sitting on the couch. Eric crumbles a piece of paper

ERIC: God, why do all my stories end like that?

FEZ: Don't stop. I like where you were going.

THE HUB

Kelso is standing near his pinball machine

KELSO: All right, guys. It is time to make a withdrawal from the First National Bank of Pinball (he opens it up, no money) Oh, man. No one's playing.

FEZ: Well, I would've played, but my frogs and chickens wouldn't fit into the slot.

KELSO: All right. I know what the problem is here. This thing has been here for so long that people have forgotten about it. I just need to advertise. So, Jackie, put on a bikini and stand in front of the machine.

JACKIE: Michael, I am not wearing a bikini in here. It would cause a riot.

KELSO: Okay, what if I just put up flyers with a picture of you in a bikini?

JACKIE: Yeah, okay. I mean, it'll still draw a crowd but at least they'll remain orderly.

KELSO: Okay, so I just need some Magic Markers and a picture of you in a bikini.

FEZ: Oh. I have one. Keep it. I have plenty.

FORMAN BASEMENT

Eric is passing out copies

ERIC: So, guys, check out my story. I passed out a bunch of copies at lunch today.

HYDE: Oh, Forman, this kind of thing always blows up in your face. Don't ever stop doing it.

DONNA: (coming in): What the hell is this?

ERIC: Oh, you…. you didn't like my story?

DONNA: Oh, yeah, I loved it. Especially this part...

Flashback to Wanda and Derek

DEREK: Wanda, I have performed every task thou hath asketh of me. Please, can we finally consummate our love? I beseech you.

WANDA: Well, I said I would. So I won't.

DEREK: But... I beseeched you.

WANDA: Okay, let's consummate.

DEREK: Really?

WANDA: No.

DEREK: Please. I beseech you.

WANDA: Okay.

DEREK: Really?

WANDA: No. Now rub my enormous feet.

Back in the basement

FEZ: Um, guys, I don't understand. What does ''consummate''mean?

HYDE: It means to have sex.

FEZ: Really? Now I have two words for that.

DONNA: Eric, you just wrote this to hurt me.

ERIC: What? I did not! And hey, so did you.

DONNA: Look, when I wrote my story, I just sat down, and that's what came out. I didn't, like, plan it or anything. And besides… No, you know what? I don't have to explain myself to you (she leaves)

FEZ: Okay, I'd like someone to explain it to me.

HYDE: Uh, well, that's easy, Fez. See, Donna, as an artist wrote her story to get some perspective on her life. Forman, as a vindictive ass wrote his story to be a vindictive ass.

FEZ: Oef, Eric, I think you just consummated yourself. See what I did there? Looks easy, but it's not.

FORMAN KITCHEN

Joanne,. Bob and Kitty are sitting at the table. Red comes in

RED: Well, steaks are a-cookin'. Ah, what should we have to go with dinner? Oh, I know. How about a salad? Say Joanne, why don't you make the salad?

JOANNE: No, thanks.

RED: Oh. Aww. Make the salad. Unless you don't like to do lady jobs.

KITTY: Red, put this in your mouth.

BOB: Okay, you know what? I'll make the salad. Heh!

RED & JOANNE: Sit down, Bob.

JOANNE: I'd love to make a salad.

RED: Great!

JOANNE: As soon as Red admits he's not asking me to make a salad... he's trying to put me in my place.

RED: You are woman. I hear you roar.

JOANNE: I can't believe you're so threatened by something as trivial as me grilling chicken.

RED: It's not trivial. Men grill. It's been that way since the first caveman bonked a woolly mammoth on the head and threw it on the barbecue. And his cave wife made the salad.

BOB: I smell something burning.

RED: Oh, damn!

A plate of burned steaks is on the table

RED: Well, if you didn't want it well done, you should've said something.

THE HUB

Kelso walks in and sees a Space Invaders machine

KELSO: What the hell! Where's my pinball machine?

FEZ: Oh, where, indeed? Oohoho... I remember. I convinced the owner that pinball was out, and Space Invaders was in.

KELSO: Fez, why would you stab me in the back like that?

FEZ: Well, rest assured, Kelso, your frogs and chickens comment had nothing to do with it.

KELSO: Well, why then?

GIRLS: Hey, Eric, we're sorry we called you a cat-killer bastard porn freak.

ERIC: Oh, so, you read my story, huh?

GIRLS: No, we read part two of Donna's story. The ending is so beautiful.

ERIC (looking at the paper the girls gave him): Part- Huh? Beauti-What? (he reads) ''And as Wanda walked away, she knew in her heart she would never stop loving Derek.''

HYDE: Wow, that's good writing. It's emotional, and it screws you.

PINCIOTTI KITCHEN

Eric walks in. Donna is standing near the counter

ERIC: Hey. Hey, so, uh, funny thing. Um, your story had a second part, huh?

DONNA: Yeah, the paper broke it in half, 'cause it was too long.

ERIC: Oh. Well, uh, you know, maybe my story has a second part too.

DONNA: Eric, your story ended with: ''And he never saw that crazy bitch again.''

ERIC: Well, you know, that was just a prequel to a story entitled ''He Did See That Crazy Bitch Again and She Was a Delight.'' Okay, I was… I was pretty mad when I wrote that.

DONNA: Eric, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings but I guess I was mad when I wrote mine too. At least when I started. But once I got all that stuff off my chest, I mean, I felt better about us… more like the second half of my story.

ERIC: So, uh... So what happens to Derek and Wanda?

DONNA: Well, in the story, they went off on their own adventures.

ERIC: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's probably good for them.

DONNA: Yeah, it's probably time they moved on.

ERIC: Sure. Derek's gonna be fine. He's a smart guy. The wenches love him.

DONNA: Yeah, well, Wanda's gonna do great too.

ERIC: Oh, yeah, sure. She'll get all the wenches she wants. Oh, my God, Donna, there's your story. ''Wanda and the Dirty Wenches.''

DONNA: Shut up.

ERIC: I know. I know. That's a movie.

END CREDITS

THE HUB

Fez walks into the Hub. Donna and Jackie jump onto him

DONNA: Uh! Oh, Fez, I can't hold my feelings inside any longer.

JACKIE: Yes, we must finally tell you how much we desire you. And it's not just us, Fez.

Two other girls jump him

FEZ: Oh, I knew it all along. Now let's consummate me.

FORMAN BASEMENT

FEZ: Ahh, old boy. This is the best story ever.

 

THE END.